REVIEW: Friday the 13th

Okay, let's get this show on the road...

This is in fact the first attempt at a Bad Movie review from a (then) 28-year old New Zealander with too much time on his hands. I was contemplating setting up my own site, designed to rival the likes of Stomptokyo.com, but as my review expanded, becoming almost... Beggsian... I thought it might be easier to send it on to the man himself at B-Movie Mecca, jabootu.com. Two weeks later, I decided he wasn't going to reply to my "probably-posted-too-close-to-New-Years" e-mail. Either that, or the film just wasn't bad enough.

And so, it was first posted on the Stomptokyo Reader Review Board... and finally, in the fullness of time... here in the Lair! (The format has changed substantially over time, with this being the "Joe Bob Briggs-esque" era. My preferred format came into being with a review of King Kong vs. Godzilla, which will be posted sooner or later.)

As it was my debut review, I thought I'd begin with a "classic". One that seems "good" when compared to it's legion of demented, twisted offspring, the Sequels. One that will have some screaming "Bad? It's not THAT bad!" (I will of course, beg to differ. My opinion isn't much, but it's all I've got!)

Yes, it's time to fold, spindle, mutilate and bury in a shallow grave,

FRIDAY THE 13TH

Now, prior to this (Admittly high-grossing) clunkers release, there were several examples of the "Stalk-and-slash" genre already out there, most notably John Carpenters' "Halloween" and just about any Dario Argento picture you could name. But for many, Friday the 13th set the narrow parameters of the Slasher in blood-stained concrete. No cliche' is left unturned. Screaming women who can't run three steps without falling over, wisecracking nerds with "Kill Me" practically tatooed on their foreheads and the oversexed couple who take the term "dying for a shag" to it's extreme. (*Rimshot* Thank you, I'll be here all week!)

Everything except a mindless killer in a hockey mask, that is.

We open at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A group of happy, horny camp counsellers are sitting around a campfire, making S'mores and celebrating their geekiness. (And the fact that their hairstyles will be fashionable in 30 years time... I mean, would a few period styles have busted this production? Well, probably, but that's beside the point...) After a rousing chorus of some song I don't recognise, we roll into "Michael, Row The Boat Ashore". Now, in my opinon, singing that little ditty for any reason constitutes ample grounds for a slaughter... We cut away to an EVIL POV shot as someone tiptoes through a cabin-full of slumbering pre-teens. (Well, this movie is getting creepy early!) The soon-to-be-famous "Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha" music is heard for the first time, less than a minute into the flick. The rest of the music is also famous in a way... mainly because it's a fairly blatant reworking of Bernard Hermann's "Pyscho" themes...

Back at Geek-Fest '58, the song finishes, and Horny 50's Boy and Horny 50's Girl (Who have making goo-goo eys at each other during the singalong) leave for a quick grunt-and-grope session in the hayloft. (Or perhaps they just didn't want to sit through "John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt" one more time.) They exchange some banal dialogue, then walk past the EVIL POV shot. Like, three feet from the soon-to-be killer. Love is blind, and lust is obviously braindead. Their nocturnal mating ritual is interupted by the EVIL POV shot, accompanied high-pitched violins. (And for the keen-eared, the faint sound of Mr Hermann rolling in his grave.) Horny 50's Guy is promptly shown the colour of his intestines by the knife-wielding EVIL POV shot. Horny 50's Girl ducks and dodges for 30 seconds or so, but her fate is left to our own imaginations, with the camera freezing on her screaming face and cutting to the opening titles. I'm guessing it wasn't a stern lecture on safe sex she received...

Y'know, so far, this has been better than I remembered. Oh, well, onwards and downwards!

Post-credits, we cut to the present day (Or at least, 1980 or thereabouts.) and meet Annie (Robbi Morgan), a perky hitch-hiker. She arrives at Hicksville, USA. (Population, bugger all and a dog named "Sparky".) She stops to ask directions to Camp Crystal Lake from the aforesaid canine. Fido has no information to pass on, although he does turn out to be the second-most talented actor in the flick. So, Annie heads to the local grocery store/diner and tries asking a few humans. The mere mention of the camp causes the kind of instant silence usually only seen in Westerns when the bad guy enters the saloon. (Minus the piano player with the fondness for minor chords, natch.) The locals mutter darkly about "Camp Blood" but eventually a ride is offered by a local truck driver. (Whom we shall dub "Earl", because he looks like one. His name was spoken, but I couldnt be bothered going back to check for sure.) Annie accepts, therefore breaking the "Don't accept rides from strangers" rule we were all taught as children. Guess who just became Designated Victim #1?

Stepping outside they encounter Big Red Herring #1, Crazy Ugly Old Ralph. He's the local nut, spouting prophecies of doom, although his hearing is impeccable. (Seeing as how he knows exactly where Annie is off to, despite not being in the diner or in sight during Annies tender moment with Fido.) Ralph proceeds to spout the usual drivel about "Death Curses", sprinkled liberally with "You're gonna die" cliches.

Earl (Faint Red Herring #2... note his lecherous glances at Annie, and the double ass-grab he makes as he helps her into his rig.) chases off Ralph, and on the way to Camp Blood gives us a little exposition of the camps history. Drowned boy in '57, dead counsellers in '58, a fire or two, bad water. Screw the death curse, think of the plummeting property values! Steve, the new owner has apparently spent $250, 000 on the camp already. Sadly, there will be little evidence of this expenditure when we actually see the place.

While Annie is being dropped off by a graveyard, (Hey, someone just hit us with the Symbolism Stick!) we are introduced to a few more DV's. A pickup is seen, along with blaring bluegrass music. (Okay, these guys must DIE!) Inside are Ned, The Wisecracking Virgin (Mark Nelson), Marcie, the Oversexed Girl (Jeannine Taylor), and the Strong, Silent Oversexed Guy.

Now, here's where the casting director really fell asleep at the switch. You see, playing Mr Strong and Silent was none other than a very young Kevin Bacon. Did the film-makers recognize his fledgling talent and give him the role of the male hero? Nope, Kevin gets about eleven lines of dialogue and a gratuitous ass-shot before a grisly demise awaits his character. At one stage, he gives a glimpse of what will be as he gazes across a lake and remarks on a coming storm. The cinematic world must have held it's collective breath, before letting out an exasperated sigh, as the script then required him to look interested and grunt while his girlfriend, the Oversexed Girl (Who ties for the "Film's Worst Actor" award) rambles monotonically about her recurring nightmare about the rain turning to blood. Incidentally, I never caught Kevs' characters name until he had been mutilated, so I'll just call him Big Kev from here on in, okay? Good.

Eventually the Designated Victims arrive at the camp and meet the Steve, the Buff Camp Owner With The Porno Star Moustache (Peter Brouwer) and Alice, the Simpering Female Heroine (Adrienne King). Steve is playing Alpha Male by chopping wood, Alice is just kind of wandering around. Some dialogue quickly mentions the other two DV's, Brenda and Bill, The Ineffectual Niceguy. We get some padding as Alice fixes a gutter, with help from Steve. (She needs it, not even being capable of holding a hammer correctly!) Steve pauses to look through Alices' sketch book. Why she has it with her is anyones' guess... He seems surprised that she can draw, despite dialogue that makes it clear they have had some sort of relationship in the past. (Obviously, not a close relationship, though...)

In the next scene, Alice (Jeez, she's all over the place!) is seen headed down to the lake to talk to Bill. She passes the EVIL POV camera on the way. Twice. Once within eighteen inches or so. Meaning she's either a tad under-observant, or was a pointless FALSE POV shot. Steve takes this opportunity to leave on an vaguely-defined errand.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... uh, camp... Marcie is setting up a beat-to-hell archery target, (Steve, you spent $250K on the place... a new target would have been, what, fifty bucks or so? Cheap prick.) This allows Ned to play one of his hilarious practical jokes by firing an arrow at the target whiles she's still holding it.(!!) Oversexed Girl gets mildly upset at having a lethal weapon fired at her, of course. For about three seconds, before she chases him around giggling like a schoolgirl on Nitrous Oxide. Okay, would YOU trust this guy to work with children? I would have fired him just for the bad impression of Humphrey Bogart he does after his act of attempted murder...

Finally, we get back to Annie as she accepts a second lift... this time from the EVIL POV shot! She babbles (perkily) away at the driver, saying she hates when people call children "Kids", because "It sounds like they're talking about little goats!".... this is after she told Earl she would be "cooking for fifty kids and ten staff." Ahh, I love continuity in scripts. The EVIL POV driver bypasses Camp Crystal lake and speeds up to about 95mph. (Or so it appears...) Annie freaks (perkily) and leaps out, rolling to an abrubt halt. (As if she simply did a forward roll into the shot... momentum? She don't need no stinkin' momentum!) She suffers a slight limp afterwards. Tough girl! Predictably, she runs into the woods. Her escape attempt is hampered by her insistance on looking behind her or falling over every third step while the Insane Killer walks slowly behind her. On one occasion she does both! Despite this, she loses the pursuer. Who then appears IN FRONT OF Annie and kills her. So either Annie ran in a VERY tight circle, or the Killer has access to a Star Trek-like teleporter. You choose. (Regular viewers of Bad Movies will note this as the first appearance of the Voorhees Unreality Engine! Or "VUE") Nice throat-slash effect from Tom Savini, though...

Returning to the camp, we spend a pointless 20 minutes or so padding the film. The DV's decide to goof off now the boss is away. Cue some frolicing in the lake! This serves to give us the unforgettable. (And not in a good way) sight of Big Kev in a overly-tight pair of Speedos. (Psst, Kev... you're displaying more than six degrees of seperation, dude!)

Slightly off the subject, by the way...

My first name is Steven
My fiancees' last name is Miners
The Executive Producer of Friday The 13th is Stephen Miners
Friday The 13th starred Kevin Bacon

That's a not-too damn bad Four Degrees of Kevin Bacon for yours truly!

*Ahem* Back to the padding... sorry, the plot. The lakeside shenanagins continues unabated, as the group is spied on by an EVIL POV shot! (Yes, the VUE is working fine... from Annie's murder to lakeside in, what, ten seconds?) The cast is earnestly spewing Oscar-calibre lines like "If you were ice-cream, what flavour would you be?" by now. (Brenda says "Rocky Road"... I disagree... with her somewhat wooden acting style, she's a plain bowl of vanilla at best!) Ned suddenly gets into difficulties in the lake. Personally, after his trick with the bow and arrow, I'd just let the little bastard drown! However, the gang proceeds to play Baywatch (sans slo-mo, sadly...) to rescue the Virginial Prankster. Alice proves to be a fairly pathetic heroine by throwing a rubber life preserver at Ned's head when he's about a foot from the dock. No-one so much as looks at it, so she just pulls it back out again. Yep, nice work, Alice... couldn't have done it without you. Ned, is of course faking, and has a quick grope as Brenda begins to administer CPR. Okay, we've now got Attempted Murder and Sexual Harrasment of a Co-Worker from Ned. Not bad for 90 minutes work.

Returning to her cabin, Alice discovers a large snake under her bed. (Director Sean S. Cunningham shows admirable restraint by not giving us an EVIL SNAKE POV here...) She calls for Bill, who does a manly charge into the room. Whereupon he asks "What do I do?" Uh, dude... you're carrying a machete... make the connection! Everyone else piles into the room, giving Brenda the only intelligent thought of the film... Marcie: "A snake's in here!" Brenda: "So why are WE in here?" Big Kev leaps to attack, practically destroying the room in the process. Eventually, Ineffectual Hero Bill realises his machete has sharp edges and causes some severe contusions to an innocent length of garden hose. He becomes Red Herring #3 as he stands over the corpse and poses EVILy, machete in hand.

To waste even more time, we abrubtly introduce Red Herring #4 and Equal-Worst Actor In The Film! He is of course, the Dipshit Deputy with the Unexplainable Accent. He arrives as Ned decides to do a spontaneous Native American wardance, clad only in his underwear and a feather headdress. (Where the hell did the headdress come from? Are they standard issue at summer camps? Someone from the U.S might have to help out this confused little Kiwi....) He gets all embarassed when he notices the Deputy is watching, although what reaction (Except pity) he was expecting to get from ANYONE is a mystery to me... The Dipshit Deputy acts tough(ish) by doing a horrible impression of Jack Nicholson, implying that the group may be (Bum bum bum!) possessing weed! Or as he puts it, "Columbian Gold, man, grass, hash, the weed, ya dig it?". Is he meant to be The Man, or a drug dealer in a great disguise? Ned wittily replies "Hey, I'm as dumb as they come!" Thank you, Ned, that sums your character up better than I ever could.

Dipshit Deputy is also looking for Crazy, Ugly Ralph, who's off an a God-bothering trip, apparently. Ned continues to horse around, adding Disrespect of an Authority Figure to his list of horror movie crimes. Yup, he's a goner! The deputy peels out after his dispatcher calls. (And I swear his name was "Deputy Dork"... He's credited as "Dorf", although Dork is so much more appropriate...) This is fortunately his last appearance in the film.

Hmm, bad acting and a part that did nothing to advance the plot. Anyone else visualising a friend of the filmaker saying "Hey, I have a motorcycle! Got a part for me?"

So, Ralph is out there somewhere... can you feel the suspense building? Me neither, as Ralph is revealled to be hiding in the camps' walk-in pantry exactly one scene later! Ralph delivers his Oscar Clip Moment, spouting "You're all DOOM-ed! You're cursed! And you're out of pickles in there!" (Okay, the last one is mine...) He then proceeds to peddle away on his bicycle. (Which is cunningly hidden by being leaned against a tree three feet from the cabin. The observational skills of these camp counsellers-to-be is phenomenal! Probably wouldn't notice a bear if it ate half the kids during archery practise!) The score has diverged from the "Psycho" rip-off to a three-note piano motif that sounds like a bored composer is musically doodling as Ralph departs, never to be seen on-camera again. (If we're lucky, that is!)

The Moron Brigade shrug off Ralphs warning and prepare some chow. Ned continues to goof off, even going so far to mock Big Kev's masculinity. (Okay, he must DIE!) Big Kev starts up the generator, as the town power supply is unreliable. Bill recognises the generator as being "Just like my uncles cabin in Maine!". File that away, it could be a plot point! Or not...

After dinner we get the "Horrible Actress Discusses Dream With Soon-To-Be Famous Actor" scene described above. Ned also adds voyuerism to his list of crimes, by spying on the couple as they canoodle a little. He spots someone in the boathouse, however, and goes to investigate. Buh-bye, Ned, thanks for stopping by to irritate us for the last forty minutes or so! Minutes later, the "storm" breaks (Tonight the part of the storm will be played by a calm, serene shot of a lake with the sound of thunder rumbling Foleyed in.) and the Oversexed Couple sneak off to the boathouse and begin making the Beast With Two Backs. One teeny-tiny Plot Hole, here. (Well, big enough to drive a Kenworth through, actually...) Kevin takes off his shirt standing eye level with the top of a set of bunkbeds... on which is lying the slaughted body of the Virginal Prankster. In plain view. Like, not covered up or nothing. Now, I know love (and as mentioned earlier, lust) are blind, but jeez, Kev! Not exactly Mr Obseverant, are we?) The storm sound effects are now supplemented with cheap "flickering lights" lightning effects. (Which often occur AFTER the thunder FX. Nice one, guys...) The rest of the gang are indulging in some Slasher Movie Sins in the meantime. (A little grass, some beer and a quick game of Strip Monopoly!)

Much grunting, whimpering and bedspring-torturing later, Oversexed Girl heads for the ladies room, leaving Big Kev (in one of the most effective, if not believable, scenes in the entire series) to cop an arrow through the throat, courtesy of the Deranged Killer Hiding Under The Bed. (Does this mean whoever shows up with bedspring imprints on their forehead is the killer?) Now, I may be missing something, but the amount of pressure required to manually shove an arrow through a matress AND some schmucks spine might just make the murder of Big Kev fall slightly into the "Yeah, right" category. But let's continue with that whole "suspension of belief" thing, yeah? (Despite the fact that the ventilated-throat corpse of Ned above him only contained enough blood for one "dramatic" drop to fall onto Big Kev before he gets the terminal piercing.)

Oversexed Girl reaches the bathroom, where the EVIL POV killer has used the VUE to teleport into a shower stall. (Yes, with "Psycho" music!) After some more lousy impersonations, Brenda is eventually dispatched, via an axe to the head. (Which leaves no blood on the floor, walls or ceiling for anyone to discover... now that's a clinical axe-shot!)

Back at the main campsite, the strip monopoly game is called off, with Alice practically still fully dressed. (Yup, she's our heroine, all right!) Meanwhile, Steve is seen, chatting with a waitress in a small diner. Her acting is ten times worse than either Deputy Dork or Marcies, but I get the feeling she's an actual waitress, and is therefore exempt from the "Worst Actor" award... Back at band camp... sorry, wrong flick... back at Crystal Lake, Brenda brushes her teeth at the scene of Marcies' slaying. Despite the "tense" music, and the "tense" shots, nothing happens. Back to Steve, who's broken down. He's picked up by a policeman. (Luckily, not the Dipshit Deputy) Back to camp, where Brendas' getting ready for bed. (I think the editor had ADD or something!) Finally, something remotely interesting happens! Brenda hears a childs voice outside, calling for help. Her maternal instincts kick in, sending her dashing out into the "storm". (Think, a lawnsprinkler on "High" and some strobe lights...) At the archery range, EVIL POV Killer switches on the lights. Despite the "inadequate" town power supply, and the medium-sized generator, the archery range is supplied with more than a dozen lights bright enough to land aeroplanes with! Brenda freezes like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck, and checks out with an off-screen scream. (Oddly accompianed by a new musical influence... specifically a re-hash of the "Jaws" theme.)

And so we return to Alice. We watch her twiddle with a guitar, prod the fire, wander around a little. (DO SOMETHING!) Finally Bill returns from checking the generator. Oddly, Alice heard Brendas' scream from inside the cabin, while Bill never heard a thing while running around outside. Together, they go looking for Brenda, finding a blood-stained axe in her bed. (Beats the hell out of a teddy bear, I suppose!) Annie, having a rare moment of clarity, realises this is a Bad Thing. She suggests they call in the cops. (This would be the last time in the series that happened...) The VUE is still in effect, of course, as the EVIL KILLER has slashed the phone line at some undetermined point in her (oops, gave it away!) rampage. The car is also non-functional, but it's a Slasher Movie, so that was a foregone conclusion. (The killer probably never had to touch it, as cars NEVER work once the first person bites it...)

Back to Steve. The cop he's with is suddenly called to a motor vehicle accident, and has to drop him off before reaching the camp. (Well, isn't that ironic... don't ya think?) Steve jogs into the camp, Thanks to the wonder of the VUE, the killer is waiting to meet him. Steve promptly exits with a knife in the gut. (Later, we see his body with a wound in the chest. Just being picky...) Re-activating the VUE, the killer teleports to the generator and kills the lights. Bill tries to play Alpha Male By default by running out to fix the generator. By himself. Smooth move, dude! Annie takes a quick nap(??) then wakes, puts the kettle on, prepares a cup of tea (GET ON WITH IT!) and finally thinks to check on Bill. We get a wierd combination of both Jaws and Pyscho as the score really cranks up. Incidently, the storm has abrubtly stopped, probably because there was no more money for the rainmaker and strobelights. (No-one leaves wet footprints at any stage, either. Even the killer, who was out and about the entire time, arrives bone-dry.) At the generator hut she finds Bill, attached to the door with arrows. Hope the arrow in the crotch didn't hurt too much, Bill... (The poor bastard looked like he was bonked to death by a porcupine.)

And so, we are left with our Wimpy Heroine. And, as is traditional, the bodies start showing up at long last. After a lengthy scene in which Alice barricades herself in the main cabin. (This takes a long time, as it appears she's reconstructing the Great Wall of China.) She arms herself with a baseball bat (Where the hell did THAT come from?) and a barbeque fork.(!) Brenda decides to make a cameo, entering by being thrown through a window no less. Good God, she can't even act DEAD convincingly! (Tom Savini actually took the stunt fall.) Alice expresses her shock at this by crawling around the kitchen floor like she's doing an interpretive dance. I should point out that the kettle hasn't boiled yet, despite sitting on the range for at least ten minutes or so.

Outside, a car pulls up. Alice decides "Car=Steve!" and dismantles her barricade in 5 seconds flat. (Did she borrow the VUE?) It's not Steve, however. It's a strange woman. Vorheees. Crazy Mrs Voorhees. Yes, after tossing a couple of suspects at us, let's introduce a vaguely mentioned character as the killer. She wraps things up for us by relating the story of her drowned son (Old what's-his-name... James? Jerry? Something like that, anyway.) and goes to "Loony" mode in about 20 seconds. She proceeds to talk to herself, (Her voice in no way matches the "child" voice that lured Brenda out, but we'll assume it was meant to be her...) chase the Wimpy Heroine around for a while, and basically run through all the "Hey, I'm psychotic!" cliches. Alice, meanwhile, displays her acting ability by forgoing dialogue and whimpering like a tied-up puppy dog for the final fifteen minutes or so.

Mrs Voorhees gets knocked down, but gets up again (you're never gonna keep her down) several times. Wimpy Heroine obligingly obeys the rules of Stupid Slasher Characters, viz

1) Never pick up a fallen killers weapon, even if it's better than yours. (Alice uses an unloaded rifle, a roll of duct tape(!) and a cast-iron frying pan to defend herself with...)

2) Always assume the killer is dead after hitting them.

3) Always run directly to where the killer stashed the body so they can fall out at you in as amusing manner as possible.

Mrs Voohees is nice enough to allow Alice to use her Heroines Death Exemption, though. She corners her in a shed, then simply slaps her around instead of gutting her like everyone else. After stringing out the running time for as long as possible, the Whimpering, Wimpy Heroine (Who couldn't use a hammer right, remember?) finally grabs the Big-Ass Machete and lops off Mrs. Voorhees head in one fell swoop. (Deceptivly strong, our heroine...)

And so we fade... to the Obviously Tacked-On Finale(TM). The next morning, Wimpy Heroine is floating on Crystal Lake in a canoe. (Always my first choice of recreational activity, post-massacre) She's obviously been there awhile, as all the trees are suddenly in the blooms of autumn (Or fall for the Americanos reading this.) And who should pop from the water like a satanic Jack-in-the-box but the long-drowned Jason? And he's still a child. Alice wakes in hospital, and is told no-one found a boy. This leads to the "Prepare For The Parade of Roman Numerals" Sequel Set-up line, "But that means he's still out there!" One last , lingering view of the lake and we fade out. The End.

Say it with me people.... "Uh... What the hell was that mutant kid all about?"

The "false ending" has been done many times... (Most notably in the jump-out-of-your-seat finale to "Carrie") but I am yet to see a worse example than this one... although the final scene of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came pretty damn close. The sequels that followed were all bad in their own way, but a Friday The 13th II in which the killer was a mutant eleven-year old would have been something so bad it would have punched a hole in the very fabric of reality. I would have lined up to see it, anyway.

To sum up;

The Highs

Kevin Bacon: Yes, I know, he's only a minor character in an uninteresting role... but, come on.. It's KEVIN BACON, people!! (I wonder if he shows this movie to his Hollywood friends for laughs from time to time? The "Kevin Bacon Does Baywatch In His Tight Trunks" scene alone is comedy gold these days!)

Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha: The score does a number on poor Benard Hermann, by dismebering his classic music for "Pyscho", but the instantly-recognisable "Stalking" theme was a nice touch.

The Lows:

You Call This Acting?: You were just itching for several characters to be bumped off in this movie, just to shut them up!! (Or was that just me?) And the worst of it was... the REALLY bad actors survived!! Crazy Ralph? Not even a scratch! Dipshit Deputy? Lived stupidly ever after. D'oh! Still, Mark Nelson (Ned) went on to play a therapist in Spin City and guest on "Law And Order". Deputy Dorf's next film was "A Return to Salems Lot"! 'Nuff said!

Do Something!: As this movie rolled on, I suddenly remembered it's intrinsic flaw. It's so incredibly DULL! Pointless scenes go on forever, and each death scene is followed by five-to-ten minutes of nothing! Watching Alice make coffee might stretch the running time, but the constant padding just made the thing drag. The sequels would of course deal with this problem by simply having NO plot to burden things between increasingly conoluted murders...

Stop Waving That Thing At Me!: One Hyphenated word. Unsteady-Cam... not quite "Blair Witch" proportions, but tons of handy-cam-like waggles nonetheless... fine for Point-Of-View shots, but just plain annoying during the attempted "tense" scenes.

The Statistics:

Body Count: 10 Body Bags(inc. Mrs Voorhees)
Nudity: 1 pair breasts, Kevin Bacons ass
Blood: 2-3 Litres or so... (And, no, I'm not converting that to gallons...)
Memorable Lines: What, are you kidding? None!

The Final Thought: Well, I apologise... This was not as crappy as I remembered... but still pretty bad! Oh well, next time I'll review something truly awful... I think "The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave" is on TV this month... Forget, Stomptokyo... That sounds like a Jabootu-calibre pic!