REVIEW: Independence Day

Okay, The Kiwi is getting things posted. Again. *sigh* I'm living in HTML Groundhog Day...

A shorter review this time round as this was originally destined for my very first (And quickly aborted-before-it-started) Bad Movie Review site.

Since this was to have been my Inagural review, (pre-empted by Ft13th, as it turned out) I decided to head to my "Big-Bookcase-O'-Videos" and choose a stinker from the films I own. But lo, there was nothing but cinematic greatness before me! My eye roved over The Matrix, The Big Sleep, Aliens, Poltergeist and The Shawshank Redemption. All classics! I contemplated "Robin Hood: Prince of Theives" briefly, but Alan Rickmans brilliant Sherrif of Nottingham dragged that one clear of Turkeydom, despite the efforts of Kevin "Accent? What Accent" Costner. Braveheart, Toy Story, Ghostbusters, The Rock... Nope, nothing wrong there! I was thwarted. And then I saw it. The one video purchase I regret to this day. The one that I look at and think "What the HELL was I on the day I spent my hard-earned cash on that?" And so, for your enjoyment, I present Skeeters Turkey Shoot of

INDEPENDENCE DAY(1996)

First off: An explanation of why in the blue hell I purchased this movie. I was tricked, dammit! Tricked, I say!! When I first saw this flick, I was in a brand-new, state-of-the-art, DTS-stereo-equipped movie theatre. The seats were comfy, the popcorn was fresh, and the bass from the speakers was so powerful, it made toilet paper vibrate off the rolls in the bathrooms of the adjoining buildings. The experience blinded me to the fact that ID4 is NOT as good as it's makers would like us to believe. Not by a long shot. Repeated viewings have exposed it for the gigantic Space Turkey that it is. But, for the good of humanity, I sat down to watch this Big-Budget Stinker one last time. And then, my friend... it's off to the second-hand video store for you!

Pre-Show Festivities: An advert for the (then) upcoming Star Wars: Special Edition Movies! (Perhaps there is a reason to keep this tape after all.)
Followed by an advertisement for the ID4 Computer Game. (And then again...)
A roll of drums, the 20th Century Fox logo appears and we're off!

And Now: THE PLOT!

After some brief, though expensive-looking opening titles, we open on the moon, just as a titanic Big-Mother-of-a-Mother Ship flys past. To symbolicly foreshadow the destruction to come, the vibrations of the ships passage, despite the absence of, well, an atmosphere to carry them, erase the footprints of the Apollo astronauts. Now if only they could have done the same to that plaque up there. You know, the one with RICHARD NIXON's signature on it?

A quick cut sends us to the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) project, where a lonely techno-geek is playing REM's "It's The End Of The World As We Know It"... personally, I would have used "Shiny, Happy People"... the only song that actually made me want to destroy something... namely my stereo. The SETI guys are as surprised as hell to find that after spending billions of dollars of taxpayers money, they've acvtually achieved their stated goal. (A first for the US Government!) However, as they somehow missed spotting this gigantic, 1/4 the mass of the moon, radio-wave emitting ship until it was only 35,000 kilometers from Earth, I guess the giant asteroids from 'Armageddon' are going to catch us totally by surprise! "Holy, crap, an aster..." SPLAT!!

As the alien spaceship sets up shop in close orbit, we waste some time meeting the Heros, Heroines and Designated Victims (DV's). President Doogie Howser (Bill Pullman), Mr Genius Techno-Geek (Jeff Goldblum), His Ex-Who's-Now-A-Presidential-Aide, Mr Afro-American Fighter Jock (Will Smith), His Stripper Girlfriend (w/Son and Dog) and a parade of minor characters and DV's (The Unfunny Gay Guy, The Zany White Fighter Pilot, The Stereotypical Trailer Park Family (w/Crazy, Drunken, Previously-Abducted-by-Aliens Father), The Goofy Stripper and the Very Jewish Father.)

By this time, the Mother Ship has sent 3 dozen Offspring Ships down to the surface to kick a little Homo Sapien Booty, causing the usual running/screaming/looting evrything that's not nailed down combo. Except for President Doogie, natch. Giant alien spaceships simply cause him to talk in a kind of Jack Nicholson-esque growl and make long-winded speeches. Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum has worked out the entire alien plan in about 6 seconds, and is heading for Washington with Wise Jewish Dad in tow. Once there, he demonstrates how the aliens are using our communication satelites (Having stupidly forgotten a ship-to-ship communications relay), and convinces the Prez to evacuate. (From White House, to Air Force One, to safety in 9 minutes!) And we finally get what we came for. The BIG SPECIAL EFFECTS SEQUENCE as the aliens blow nine colors of shit out of Washington, New York and Los Angeles. (And, thankfully, reduce several of the stupid minor characters to small greasy spots. Except for Will Smiths' Stripper girlfriend, who survived the giant fireball by hiding in a passing hole in the plot.)

However, this five minutes of awesome-looking destruction is followed by another 90 minutes or so of mind-numbing plot, which I have no intention of torturing myself by watching at this time. Suffice it to say, everything bar the kitchen sink is tossed into the mix, including those wacky folks at Area 51, A Top Gun-like Aliens vs F-18's air battle (Hang on, they simply shoot down the helicopters during the "Welcome Wagon" scene, and let satellites smash heedlessly into the Mother Ship, but then send out fighter ships when ineffectualy attacked by F-18's? How did these morons even make it INTO space?) and a desperate attempt at pathos with the tragic "Death of The First Lady" scene. (Even though the fact that the Prez is a loving, devoted family man has already dragged this film into Sci-Fi before the first laser blast was fired.)

At last, we reach the heights of stupidity, as Jeff Goldblum (So drunk he is able to pour a drink from a whiskey bottle BEFORE removing the cap.) has a "Eureka" moment. (Which, naturally, makes him stone-cold sober in one second. Impressive.) Realising he can disable the aliens with a computer virus, The Techno Geek and The Fighter Jock blast off in a convieniently-captured alien fighter ship. (No training required, as it has no controls bar a video-game-like joystick!) Once in the Mother Ship, Mr Techno Geek effortlessly links with the aliens CPU and uploads a virus. (Alien commander: "What the hell! Windows 95 has crashed again! Damn you Bill Gates! How am I supposed to hit Ctrl/Alt/Del with these huge fricking fingers!")

So, as alien IT guys try to reboot their systems, President Opie and his gallant Crop-duster Air Force take to the skies (After an over-the-top, long-winded speech, of course.) and boot a little ass. The alien fleet, untouchable for three days, capitulate in a little under four minutes. The Techno Geek and the Fighter Jock make a daring, last second escape from the Exploding Mother ship , plummet into the Earth atmosphere, and arrive back on earth before their cigars burn out. (Will Smiths stogie actually gets longer!) Without burning up themselves, apparently.

So: How good is this film? Honestly? Well, let's just say that I sat down in front of my VCR meaning to do an in-depth, scene-by-painful-scene review of the flick. As you can tell, 30 minutes later, with the prospect of just under 2 hours of this drivel to watch, I flipped the screen the bird and switched off. So instead, I'll just run down the highs and lows of this one;

Highs:

-Great special effects.
-Excellent musical score.
-That's about it.

Lows:

-Glaring Logic Lapses: (If the aliens are here to steal our planets resources, what the hell was wrong with the SIX FREAKING PLANETS they passed to get here? Alien Commander: "Screw strip-mining Mars! Let's go to that planet with all the warlike humanoids on it!") And honestly, are F-18's so easy to fly that a stumbling alcoholic can pilot one with three hours of training? And.. well, too many to name really... check the GIGANTIC list at the Internet Movie database for more...)

-Bill Pullman's Prez. (I like B.P, but his "Macho-Fighter-Pilot-But-still-A-Sensitive-Family-Man" never rang true for a second. Trivia Note: He used the memory of having an infected tooth extracted to summon up his horrified expression during the alien "mind link" scene. Now he could just think of this movie for the same reaction.)

-Patriotic Fervor: Yes, God bless the good Old US of A, they'll save us all! (Anyone notice how the first Offspring Ship heads straight for Bhagdad?)

-The "Virus" plot twist: Sure, it was an attempt at updating the "War of The worlds" bacteria plot, but pleeeeasse! Does the entire universe run on Windows? It would explain Bill's Billions... (And yes, I know he used a Mac, but even I can't make Apple funnier than it already is. There's no way I can play computer games on something you could mistake for an oversized desk lamp!)


Skeeters Summary: Buy the Soundtrack CD, but avoid this movie like an interstellar plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be watching "A Bugs Life" over and over. Hopefully, that might erase the painful memories of "Independance day" from my pysche once and for all.

Skeeters postscript: Some months after my review, I packed up the tape along with some old CD's and headed for Aucklands largest second-hand store, Real Groovy Records. I eventually binned the videotape... as they own WAY too many copies of the film to take it off my hands! I think there's a message in that...