REVIEW: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Sequel. Rhymes with "equal". And never is.

NOTE: This review may... okay, WILL contain spoilers. But it's a slasher movie sequel, so it's not like I'm leaking nuclear weapons specifications to the Commies, yeah?

Recently, a pay-TV network I subscribe to began running the "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies in sequence. As the first was a better-than-average teen horror, (Albeit, with a criminally stupid ending) I'll spare it my wrath. I neglected to tape part 2, due to my incredibly crap short-term memory. (Coupled with my crap LONG-term memory) However with Part 3 safely captured on video, and no lesser names that "Larry" Fishburne and Patricia Arquette on the bill, I settled in to cast a critical eye over;

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS

Sadly, this film was made in 1987, meaning it missed being called "A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 3-D" by about five years or so. (This gimmick was instead saved for the last ten minutes of "Freddys Dead"... not that you'd know it from the advertising... I still wonder how many people must have worn those stupid glasses throughout the entire film.) In a positive sign, original "Nightmare" director Wes Craven gets three credits here. (Co-story, co-screenplay and co-exectutive producer.) Chuck "Who?" Russel is in the actual directors chair, however. I remain open-minded...

We open with your typical "tense" music as someone is seen making a papier mache' model of the house Nightmare 1 was largely set in. To get over the fact that the model maker is trying to stay awake, she is seen eating dry instant coffee(?) and chugging Diet Coke. (It's also a great opportunity to plug Diet Coke and Maxwell House coffee, but that's by the by.) The girl (Patricia Arquette) abrubtly ruins the tense music by switching on her stereo full blast. (Great. Now I have a bad 80's snyth rock song about falling into a fire in my head. Probabaly forever.) This attracts Sleep-Deprived girls Slutty Mom, who puts her to bed in short order. (We also learn that Patricia is playing "Kristen"... or is she? More on that later.) As Kristen is suffering from bad dreams, she tries to stay awake. For about two seconds before, one eye-flutter later, she's in our first Dream Sequence!

She finds herself in front of the EVIL House, where children are playing in slow-mo and chanting the "Freddy" rhyme. A small girl asks Kristen her name. "Kirsten" she replies. EH? Now I'm confused, and we're only four minutes into the plot! (A personal record for me)

Kristen/Kirsten proves to be a potential Mensa member by chasing the spooky-looking trike-riding tot into the EVIL house, finding her in the basement. The haunting "Freddy" theme plays for the first time as the basement comes to life around her, prompting Kristen to do her Lassie impersonation and try to save the girl. She's chased through the house by Spooky Shilloutte Freddy until she gets caught on an oil-slick(?) that makes her run in place for a while. Fred makes his actual appearance here, chasing her into a room of well-hung teenagers. (I couldn't resist... they're actually hanging victims, but the joke was there and had to be said.) Spooky Girl becomes Moudlering Corpse girl, and Kristen wakes up abrubtly.

Or did she? If you instantly guessed it was a dream-within-a-dream sequence, (like I did) give yourself a cookie. Kristen is attacked in the bathroom by Hot-And-Cold Running Freddy, who slashes her wrists. Kristen wakes for real, with P-O'ed Slutty Mom finding her bleeding from a seemingly self-inflicted suicide attempt.

So far, so-so. Let's move on.

We cut to a pyschiatric hospital, where we meet Orderly Max (Laure... sorry, "Larry" Fishburne) He's listen to a Plot-Advancing Radio. (The kind you switch off after a news report on two teenage suicides. Slow day on the local news front, huh?) Max meets and chats with a Nice-Guy type doctor, who meets Grouchy Mature Female Doctor in turn. The Plot-Advancing PA system kicks in, and we learn their names are Drs Gordon and Sims. They're called to help control Kristen, who has been admitted to said booby-hatch. (And is not too keen on being sedated. Sleep Bad.) Bitchy Slutty Mom is seen, claiming that Kristens self-mutilation was just her "wanting some attention"... Now that's a pretty extreme attention-getter, in my book!

Kristen meanwhile screams a lot, knees Dr Gordon in the pachingas and proves to be handy with a scalpel, cutting Max as he tries to restrain her. Luckily, Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp) makes her return to the series, arriving in time to disarm Kristen with the power of her Former-Freddy Target Empathy. Afterwards, she has a brief expositionary conversation with Dr Gordon. Nancy has come to the hospital as an intern to work with a group of Designated Victims... sorry, patients. After Nancy leaves, (Dropping a bottle of pills... the Sledgehammer of Plot is at work, people...) Gordon spies a Rapidly Vanishing Nun, who vanishes. I'm sure that will be important later.

Later, Max gives Nancy a tour of the facility, which conviently introduces some of the Designated Victims (DV's). Including;

Phillip: A sleepwalker who makes puppets.
Kincaid: Afro-American Overacting With Attitude
Joey: Who doesn't speak, but has a hard-on for one of the nurses, that couldn't be more obvious if he wore a neon sign that flashed "Humina Humina Humina" everytime she walked past.

Nancy interviews Slutty, Bitchy, Smoking Mom. (At home, naturally, because otherwise she wouldn't find the model of her old house...) Kristens mother is so unlikable by now I almost burst into a spontaneous chorus of "Kristen Mom is a Big Fat Bitch"... which proves that South Park IS a bad influence in my life.

Meanwhile, Gordon uses his High-Tech 80's Computer (W/Chunky Prototype Mouse) to check Nancys prescription. (I shouldn't mock... Matthew Broderick almost blew up the world with a TSR-80, so imagine what he could do with Gordons little monster!) Sadly, his low-res screen, coupled with my small-ish TV made his findings illegible to me.

At the hospital, Kristen sketches Nancys house, then closes her eyes for 1/16th of a second. (Dream Sequence: ON) Enter the spooky kids tricycle, which trundles into her room, leaving bloody tire tracks. As Kristen looks at it... it melts. (And so begins the curse of the "Nightmare" sequels... Funky Special FX Sequences!) Kristen tries to escape, but suddenly finds the hospital is being played by the Evil House! This leads to a Roasted-Suckling-Pig-Attack, a Disentergrating-Wall-Attack, an Evil-Carpet-Attack and finally, the Big-Head-Fred Attack as he bursts out of the floor and tries to swallow her. Nancy, meanwhile, hears Kristens screams coming from the house model and... falls into her chair? (The chair is neither wicker or rattan, incindently.)

Nancy quickly appears in Kristens dream and saves her from Slightly Phallic Snake Freddy, then urges her to "Get us back out, right now!". (Dream Sequence: OFF). And the reason Kristen didn't simply wake herself that when she was being attacked by Freddy? Beats me... IITS, I guess... Back in the real world, Kristen tells Nancy she has always been able to pull people into her dreams. I'm guessing that this will also be important later...

The next morning, it's group therapy time. (Thus giving us some more "Getting to Know You" time to intro the remaining DV's)

Will: Geeky wheelchair-bound guy.
Jennifer: Wannabe Actress
and
Taran: Druggie chick.

After some inconsequential dialogue, we jump to lights-out. Will and Joey have agreed to sleep in shifts, in order to wake each other at the first sign of bad dreams. (Wow, sensible behaviour from slasher characters... bonus point right there!) Meanwhile, Gordon has a drink with Nancy, revealling he knows she's on an experimental dream-supressing drug. (I think he called it "Hypnocell".)

Back at the hospital, Phillip is sharing a ward with Kincaid, who hates everything in the universe, so he doesn't have the luxury of a watcher... cue the Dream Sequence! One of Phillips puppets morphs into Killer Klaymation Freddy. (Highlighting the pointlessness of the FX sequence, the killer puppet turns into full-scale fred after two shots.)

This is the perfect time to offer one piece of unsolicited advice to horror movie directors in general. Just because you CAN do something flashy and Special-effect-y, doesn't mean you HAVE to...

Fred slashes away at Phillip, turning him into Sinew Puppet Boy in short order. He walks him through the hospital, in the clasic "Sleepwalkers" arms-out position. Will sees him, and sends Silent Joey to get help. The night nurse is crap at charades, so he instead has to rouse the other DV's. Cue lots (And LOTS) of screaming as they watch Phillip walk to a high window and fall to his death. (What they don't see is the huge form of Pull Der Schtring Freddy, who is looming over Phillip.)

At this point on my tape, the film cut to some commercials... including one for "Beds 'R Us", promising the "Best nights sleep you've ever had!". I love unintentional irony...

We return to more group therapy. Taran cries a lot, while Kincaid puts on the "tough guy" front, then reacts badly to threats of sedation. Gordon decides to trial the Hypnocell as Kincaid is dragged (Yes, kicking AND screaming) to the quiet room. That night, Jennifer watches TV as Taran meets up with Sleazy, Horny Orderly (W/ No First Name). He offers Taran the chance to party in the drug supply room with him. (Wow, this hospital must have great drug control proceedures...) Taran blows him off, but I guess the Sin Factor of her past has been well established by the Sledgehammer of Plot.

Jennifer racks up a sin by smoking as she watches a Zsa Zsa Gabor interview to stay awake. (Or does that qulify as TWO sins? I mean, Zsa Zsa?) Jennifer fails to stay awake, or so we have to presume... After all, she blinked. Once. (Dream Sequence: ON) Zsa Zsa is suddenly attacked by Late Night Talkshow Fred, and the TV goes to static. Jennifer (AKA Miss Thicky 1987) approaches the TV and is quickly dispatched by 14-Inch Sony Trinitron Fred, who makes some lousy puns before ramming her head-first into the screen.

At her funeral, Dr Gordon meets the Rapidly Vanishing Nun again. We get her name, Sister Mary Helena, before he turns to talk to Nancy. Sister Mary does the leprachaun vanishing act again. I'm already betting that she's a figment of Gordons imagination... That night, Nancy convinces Gordon to hold an unofficial group. Gathering the remaining DV's, she explains that they're the last reamining Elm Street kids, and stresses the old "United We Stand" message. I was half expecting telethon numbers to scroll across the screen, but no dice...

Gordon tries some hypnosis, making everyone fall asleep... for about 2 seconds, before they "wake". (You guessed it too, right? I saw them wake, said "Group Dream Sequence", and was proved right 90 seconds later.) Joey spies Marcy and wanders off after her as Gordons executive desk toy suddenly breaks apart, sending those little steel balls airborne. Will realises they're in a dream and walks. (Prompting me to shout "Halleluijah!" in my best televangalist voice.)

He grabs his balls (Oh, grow up, people!) and proceeds to transform one into a butterfly. Turns out, he's a powerful magician in his dreams. (PLOT POINT!) This leads to a sudden talent show as Kristen does gymnastics, Kincaid gets really strong and Taran gets an absurd gravity-defying mohawk/black leather combo. (Can we all see where this "We're superheros in our dreams" schtick might lead? I knew you could.)

Meanwhile, Horny Joey has followed Marcy into another room, unnoticed by the rest of the gang. One RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT later, he's been slipped a foot-long tongue by Transvestite Pun-Slinging Fred. Joey ends up tied to a bed by pieces of Freddys tounge, (Don't ask) while being rosted over the Pit of Heck! Gordon FINALLY notices that Joey's missing, just as their room becomes an Easy-Broil Oven that seats 5. Nurse Grumpy uses the power of co-incidence to wake the group up just in the nick of time, however. Joey is left in a coma. (And requires surgery to take the "I just saw hooters" smile off his face. I'm serious. He has the wierdest expression on a comatose person I've ever seen!)

Gordon and Nancy are subsequently relieved of duty by the head of the hospital, Dr Carver. That night, Gordon wanders around the hospital, and spies the Mysterious Nun again. He follows her into a disused wing of the hospital, and is attacked by no less than four Spring-Loaded Pigeons! Eventually he finds the Nun at an alter. She proceeds to give Gordon a quick Expositionary Brief on Freddy. (He's the son of a woman acidently locked in a ward full of mental patients, apparently. Now THERE'S a malpractise lawsuit for ya...) She tells him to find Freddys remains and bury them in "hallowed ground". She does her vanishing acts soon after, of course. A few pointles FX scenes later, (Words being slashed into Joeys chest), Gordon and Nancy race off to find the only person who knows where Freds' corpse is stashed... Nancys' Drunk-And-In-Denial Dad. (John Saxon!)

Meanwhile, Kristen goes into a high-pitched screaming jag at the hospital, prompting Grumpy Nurse to sedate her. (I would have too... Patricia Arquette could shatter crystal with screams like that!) The DV's page Gordon with the news, and we get the Scooby Twist ("Let's split up, gang!") as Gordon drags Nancys dad off to find Freddys bones, (Stopping to steal some holy water en route... what, Freddys a vampire now?) while Nancy races to the hospital to save Kristen. (Boy, that was the longest run-on sentance I've ever written...) Arriving at the hospital, we get an epic Nacy vs Max confrontation in the hallway. The contrast in acting ability is astonishing, and was almost worth the time I've spent watching this boring movie. Almost. Suffice it to say, Max wins the argument.

Nancy quickly gathers up the remaining DV's for her last-ditch recue plan. Yes, back into hypnosis they go to get all "Dream Warrior"-ish on Freddys ass. This leads to the most effective scene in the film as Freddys claws burst through the padded walls of the quiet room to menace evryone. Bafflingly, though, we quickly cut back to the start of the movie. (Oh, great, an encore of "Walk Into The Fire"!) Thankfully, bitchy, slutty Mom is offed by Dream-Date Freddy in jig time. Kristen fights him off with a little Gymkata, before leaping through a window into the Evil House!

The running time rapidly expiring, we quickly dispatch 2 more DV's. Taran is syringed to death by Hypodermic-Fingered-Pusher Freddy, while Will (Having just avoided the Pointy wheelchair of Death) tries to wizard Freddy to death. Freddy simply stabs him. (Running out of ideas, or money for special effects?) The final trio of Nancy, Kristen and Kincaid get back together as, in the real world, Gordon is lead to Freddy bones. (In the trunk of a junked Caddy... that's riding in style.) Kincaid calls out Freddy, summoning the Stairway to Hell instead. They descend into a low-budget hell and find Joey, still tongue-tied. (*rimshot*) A brief bit of biffo from the Heroic Trio saves Joey, before Freddy buggers off to deal with Nancys' dad and Gordon. (In a scene involving a stop-motion skeleton that proves stop-motion skeletons peaked with Ray Harryhausen thirty-plus years ago! Severe "Sinbad" flashbacks for Skeeter!)

Dad winds up as Dad-On-A-Skewer, (Yes Mr Saxon, you DO have bugger-all to do in this film...) before Skeletal Freddy does a half-assed job of burying Gordon. He heads back to Dream Hell to become Hall Of Mirrors Freddy, dragging Kincaid, Nancy and Kristen to almost-certain doom. Until Joey finds his voice and screams them back to safety, that is. Nancy suddenly joins the realm of Bonehead Slasher victims by surveying the broken mirors and proclaiming, "It's over! He's gone!" Sheayh, right! This one moment of idiocy is enough for her painful stabbing by "It's Me, Dad!" Freddy. Not the usual instantly-fatal stabbing, as Nancy has used her Heroines' Partial Death Exemption, allowing her to fight on long enough for Gordon to bless Freddy to "death". Hooray! No more "Nightmare" movies! I wish...

We wrap things up with not one, but two "Shock" endings. At Nancys funeral, Dr Gordon sees the Rapidly Vanishing Nun again. She leads him to a gravestone. Hers. (Dramatic chord!) She's Freddys mom. Whoopee.

And finally, there's a scene with Kristen (Not Kirsten, it seems) sleeping soundly. Next to the Evil House model. In which someone has just turned on an upstairs light. The end.

Checking the credits, I find the 80's synth rock band ("Dokken") also contributed to the score. Thanks a bunch, guys.

Skeeters Summary: When I mentioned I was reviewing this film, one comment on the B-Movie message board mentioned that they didn't find this to be a scary movie. It isn't. At all. Somewhere along the line, the makers became too obsessed with funky special effects, and any chances of this being a scare-fest vanished, replaced by tons of latex and claymation. Way too predictable, with a complete non-ending. Only worth seeing if you're into spotting early appearance by actors who are far too good for the film. (See, Fishburne, Larry. Or Saxon, John.)