REVIEW: Gammera the Invincible

Well, this could be an interesting experience. Writing a review while watching a movie that's being streamed through cyberspace from a site called Clashtv.com. It truely is a small word these days. Let's just hope my broadband is broad enough.



Gammera The Invincible(1966)


Surf Guitars!: Whoa, who knew there was a Japanese Beach Boys?

Captain Scarlett?: We open with a shot of VERY puppety-looking jet planes flying through a painted skyscape. Destiny Angels, SIG! Cutting from there to a toy boat.. sorry, impressive naval vessel, we learn that an expedition is underway to find a shipping route though the fabled Northwest Passage (Ooo-er!). Meanwhile, Dr. A.G Hidaka drives his Tonka Humvee through the snow to a small Eski..Inuit village, proving that mid-60's igloos were made of moulded plastic. Very rescourceful people, the Inuits.

Mr. Iagi, photographer!: "I hope my camers don't freeze!". Good exposition, Iagi-san. Joing him are Dr Hidaki and the nearly-dispensable Science Chick. (She gets some dialogue here, then stands around and looks interested in future scenes.) Iagi takes a photo of the low-flying jets, which are Strange and Mysterious, it seems. The navy boys spot them too, making me wonder how far inland this village is. About eight feet, at a guess. They notify...

Arctic Air Defence, Alaska: Where everyone is in proper uniform, rather than bundled up to the nines. Must be a bitch to heat that place. A group of decidely non-Asian personell banter a little, including one with a brillianly over-the-top Wild West accent. Private Cisco Kid, stop harrasing the WACs, please. Is this the Americanised version, I wonder?

General Peter Pan!: Whoever told the General to stand in that pose should be beaten. It's a tad fruity, especially when you're yelling orders to your men. Anyhoo, the U.F.O's are headed for the "missile base', which apparently is on the Artic iceflow. Yeah, I can just see guys volunteering for that assignment.

Reds Overhead!: Great, it's the Godless Commies. I see a Diplomatic Incident and a shitload of paperwork coming up. General Arnold (Brian Donlevy) takes a call from "Washington, The White House.. the President...". Thanks for the heads-up, Corporal. If I get a call from "My house, the living room, my wife..." just put her on hold, okay?

We've struck Oil!: Oh wait, its just Heroic Army Guys' head. Man, he must have been responsible for the Great Brylcreem Shortage of '67.

Red Alert!: And I love how he puts the emphasis on "Red'. A shot of persuing U.S jets seems to indicate they're chasing the bogeys with the Space Shuttle Columbia. There's a tragedy in the making. The Ruskies fire off their secret weapon.

Inverted Missiles?: Who knew you could fire an air-to-air missile BACKWARDS? (I hope it's not heat-seeking, otherwise you've got an excellent chnance of instantly shooting yourself down.)The Yanks repsond with Doug Henning missiles, which fire, then magically re-appear so you can shoot them again. One bogey gets hit.

Goin' Down in a Blaze of.. BOOM!: Whoops, shouldn't have shot the plane carrying the nuclear weapon. (I don't think that's quite how they detonate, but let's not split hairs.) Iagi-san comes to the brilliant idea of actually using his camera, slight too late to get the money-making action shot. Lucky everyone was coindently facing away from the explosion, too. Flash-blindness would have made his job even more difficult.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Slightly-Wooden Afro-American Sarge reports in on the "4 megaton" blast... which is a pretty accurate assessment for about ten minutes work. Somebody promote that man. Everyone's safe from the fallout, though... the only cancer risk being the General himself, who's puffing away on a ciggy while being briefed. Gotta love the 50's and 60's. The only characters not to smoke on screen were the Giant Monsters and children under 10. Okay, 7.

The pavlovas done!: Okay, that's probably the ice-shelf cracking open, but I call it like I see it. Light comes spilling out, either from lava (probably not) or because a Giant Monster just turned on a really big torch. (Even less likely.) And...

Heeeeeeres Gammera! Out come the big-ass Turtle in a blast of snow! And with his arrival.. the Opening Credits! (Along with our first taste of the Gammera Roar... think Godzillas' classic roar, after a big mouthful of helium. The credits indicate this is the Americanised version, with Brian Donleavy second-billed. Well, I've watched Raymond Burr frigging around in Tokyo AND reviewed the Frankensteins' Monster of King Kong vs. Godzilla, so I can handle this. There's lots of close-ups of Gammera, which indicate he's made of fruits and vegetables. (Prune for a head, artichoke-scaled back, etc.)

There's that diplomatic incident I mentioned: Well, the Ruskies are claiming the planes were off course. Of course. But it's the height of the cold War, so it's probably unlikely. Meanwhile, we can't reach the other movie... I mean, the Japanese ship due to unknown radio interference. Presumable round, pissed-off chelonian interference. Typically, the General orders the menfolk to gather more info, scramble more interceptors and other military stuff. Sarah, our one American female cast member, gets to make him his coffee. (Black, 2 sugars. I'm just glad he didn't give her a tushy tap on the way out.)

Eski-moromoto: That is the most Japanese-looking Inuit I've ever seen. Iagi and co. pack up and ship out, leaving the natives to hope the wind doesn't suddenly change, showering them in radioactive particles. Before they go, the chief gifts them an ancient carving of a... dramatic chord... primative turle! (In the Arctic? I'll be right back, I have to Google this piece of proto-palentology.)

I'll be damned, they DID find turtle fossils in Arctic Canada! Score one for scientific accuracy! (Although I get the feeling the final score will be about 1-250 in favour of big-moster sillyness.) Gammera gets named here, as an ancient legend of death. Well, at least they didn't need the Japanese Ministry of Giant Monster Names to form a comittee. "Chelmosto!" "No, I like "Shellzilla!" "Are you trying to get us sued, Asoka-san?"

Gammera breaks the ice: Literally and figuraitively, introducing himself by busting through an ice-shelf next to the Japanese ship. Everyone panics, and for one glorious second I thought one of the crew was taking a cell-phone photo of the beastie. (It was of course a radio handpiece, what with it being about 35 years too early, even for Japan.) The crew abandons ship, as gammera unleashes his strangely Big-G-like power.

Flame On!: Burn, baby burn! He's got flamethrower breath! Then again, he just woke up after a million-year doze, so that's not too unusual. Amusingly, Gammera waddles along on his back legs, meaning that if someone devises a way to make him fall over backwards, the big guy is screwed. The Yanks get a report from their flyboys, letting them know a 150-foot tall turlte just ate their allies. It's met with mild scepticism, of course.

Non-Spinning Newspapers? Guess they had budget restrictions. Interestingly, the papers are all from different countries, yet all the headlines are in English. Like I said, it's a small world after all. The "Corriere Della Sera' has the headline "Giant Turtle? Baloney Says Scientists". Now I'm imagining a film about a 150-foot pissed-off baloney. I can dream, I guess. Le Monde goes with "Giant Turtle Controversy". Great, Japan probably wants to scientifically harpoon it. Cut to...

Oh, Dear Lord: Severe King Kong vs. Godzilla flashbacks as we join the TV talkshow of "Mr Standish", recalling the interminable discussions about Godzillas brain capacity. The set is hilarious... three chairs set up apparently in a basement, with a ladder and what seems to be (In the tiny box I was watching it on) a fire hose attachment. One of he shows guests resembles a young Ronnie Barker, and is of course sparking himself a smoke. The other guest is already puffing away. "Chordata Weekly was brought to you by Winston Cigarettes! Now with extra tar! Healthy, life-giving tar!" Eye-popping overacting and rampant smugness happen, along with the usual smattering of interestingly plot-padding facts.Dr Contraire brings up the Giant Prehistoric Turles of India, while smoking a David Copperfield cigarette. ("It's long, it's short, it's long again! Magic!")

X-Files '66!: Doc Contrare also speculates that there's a HUGE GOVERNMENT COVER-UP in place! I have no idea who the actor is playing the good doctor, but he's camping it up to the extreme, and appears to be having a really good time. I like him VERY MUCH! (Sorry, wrong Japanese sci-fi flick.) Checking the IMDB, it turns out he's Alan Oppenheimer, voice of Mighty Mouse in the 1940's and character actor in everything from four episodes of Hogans Heroes to Bonaza to The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. 60 years in the industry and still going strong. Way to go, dude!

And it all ends in tears: Well, a flaming argument, anyway. Cut to Stock Footage of a Pan-Am jet. (I remember those. Vaugely.) Our Japanse heroes are on board. Iagi accepts his complimentary Plot-Advancing newspaper, turning instantly to a story about mysterious flying saucers being spotted. Complete with a photo of an upside down aerial pie-plate. Deep-dish apple spotted at 2000 feet, sir! If that's supposed to be Gamera, he's a Master of Disguise. Everyone is this half of the movie is convinced Gammera's the real deal... but what's happening in Mis-Matched Stock Footage Washington?

Gentlemen, welcome to another long, cheap dialogue scene: Well, it's just a guess, but... come on , make with the Giant Turtle already! The General begins his report, suddenly speak...ing... like.. William Shat..ner for reasons unexplained. One guys gives him a long stare presumably so we can make joke about his dead-on resembleance to Larry King. Senator Larry King Guy also speaks in a weird... stop-start.. kind of.. manner. Maybe they should have chanced their arm and hired some, I don't know... actors, for this film. Not the guys from the local bowling alley after they promised to supply their own cigarettes. The senator gets right over the top, prompting me to check HIM in the IMDB too. Ahh, a writer/producer with just two acting credits to his name. Probably a wise choice, that. Wait, he produces Revenge of the Nerds II and IV. I take that back.

The Upshot: Gammeras on his way to Tokyo. That's my summation of five minutes of dialogue, anyway. Bring it on, Shellhead!

Comedy Drunk Guy! Man, UFO's only apear for winos and rednecks, huh? After a few aerobatics, we head to the coastline. Look, a lighthouse! I hope Gammera gets to destroy is before the Beast from 20,000 Fathoms beats him to it.

Oh Good Lord, Part II: Uh-oh. They're introducing a plotline about a schoolboy who's "obsessed with turtles". I was hoping the Americanized version might have trimmed this bit... but no. We have a Orange on the 'Kenny Alert" meter! It turns out the kid lives in the lighthouse, and is facing the first ever reptile-based expulsion from a Japanese school. (His name is "Toshio", incidently, but "Kenny" is easier to type, so there.)

"Are you going to feed your turtle...: "...To your snake?". Okay, I admit, I added that line. Kennys Dad and oddly-older sister are trying to persaude the kid to release his turtle, because if you love something... I'm going to stop that sentance, otherwise Sting could show up and start singing. And this ain't a horror flick. Cue the mornful saxaphones. This is a weird soap opera plot, folks. Keeny releases his pet, apparently from the top of a cliff. (Evil kid.) Kenny lies down to mourn his loss, and several HOURS later (It's night all of a sudden.) Gammera literally sneaks up on him, appearing over the clifftop like the worlds largest Stealth Reptile. He then manages to make one of the quickest sideways movements I've ever seen, so that Kenny can look over an unoccupied cliff, then find the mammoth critter to his right in the mother of all double-takes. (He needed a mouthful of water for full effect, too. *spray*) Gammera gets a nice full-face shot, revealling his mammoth underbite. If those tusks curved the other way, they'd be going straight up his own nostrils, methinks.

The illusons of Penn and Gammera: Man, that creature can MOVE! One moment he's there, then POOF, Just as Kenny sister Noboyo arrives, he's outta here! He does cause an bit of an earth tremor, before revealling himself for the THIRD time. Nobody likes a show-off, man. His huge googly eyes wobble back and forth, making me think there's an optometrist somewhere about to make a FORTUNE creating his corrective lenses. Mild panic ensues and Kenny runs back to the lighthouse. Probably after a net and a frickin' enormous jar with holes in the lid. Gammera rips the roof off the lighthouse, instantly killing Kenny. Oh, damn, he survived. Kenny hangs onto a rail for a few seconds, then loses his grip and plummets to his death. Nuts, no he doesn't...

Gammera makes the catch!: Dude, if you eat him, I'll give you all the lettuce leaves I can find.

Japanese First Aid: After diching Kenny on the ground, his family immediatly pick him up and shake him like a margarita. Yep, that should help any broken bones to heal. Good work folks. Interstingly, when he wakes up, there's a quick blast of the ol' Porno Sax. Interesting choice of music, Japan. Meanwhile, Dr. Hidaka FINALLY arrives at Tokyo Airport. But that's not very interesting, so we head right back to the Lightouse Family. (I'd make a joke about the band, but I honestly can't remember the name of any of their songs, so let's move on.)

Gammera Come Home!: Man, Kenny takes a licking and keeps on ticking, huh? And where's the Big guy? creeping slowly toward a nuclear power plant, of course. This cold get ugly fast. A company man inside feels the first Gammera-induced tremors. His boss tells him not to worry as "We have them all the time here". Great place to build a nuclear power plant, then. Okay, my mistake, it's a "Geothermal Plant". Take that with as many grains of salt as you like. A pilot spots Gammera and radios in, but gets nothing but "a high-frequency noise". Having just watched a segment of MST3K's Alien From L.A episode, I assume he's hearing Kathy Ireland talking.

Meanwhile... somewhere else.: Doc Hidaka, Iagi-san and the Science Chick arrive at some sort of army base. They've been tracking Gammera, who's able to cross a pretty decent distance in ten minutes. The first Gammera-cacking scheme is rolled out, using the 350, 000-kilowatt output of the power plant to take him down. (Allowing Doc Hidaka to use the expression "It might just work." Cliches are in position, sir!") Also rolled out is the the Stock Footage of WWII tanks. (The Japanese military can deploy itself damn fast, I tell you. Hidaki and co. pile into a jeep (off-screen) and drive.. somewhere.

"Red Scout Calling Red Leader!": Dude, the Cold War is on. Bad choice of callsigns, yeah? A stock shot shows they're driving through the Araizona A-Bomb site, apparently. Buy a tree, Japan! Arriving at the geothermal station, they get ready to crank up the Juice on ol' Shelly. Hidaka orders Full Discharge, which just sounds filthy if you're... well, me. The electricity works about as well as throwing pillows at a supertanker, so it's time for...

Stock Footage Attack!: About here I learned a harsh lesson. Watch where you click during a streaming movie. Otherwise, you might accidently close the page and have to re-download the flick. I think I'm busting my 5 Gig allowance this month, for sure. Oh well, time to spellcheck my work so far.

Man, my spelling sucks. Onwards!

So Gammera gets busy on the Powerstation, which explodes a lot. ("Some like it hot, and some sweat when the heat is on...") There's an interesting shot of Gammera blowing flame in reverse. "Doctor, it looks like he's eating it!" someone shouts. Well, the special effects eat it, anyway.

Professor Bleachdome: Hey, a blonde Japanese guy. I assume he's supposed to be a grey-haired old scientist. He chats with Hikada about his acient Pet Rock, while the Air force continues to ineffectually bomb Gammera. (Who hasn't moved from the spot in the time it's taken Hikada and crew to travel to wherever the scientist guy is. Continuity is not this movie strong suit.)

Back in Washington...: More guys in a room, more arguing, more bad acting. The Japanese want a few Yankee missiles to blow Gammera up real good. Meanwhil in Japan, night has fallen, but gammera's still standing. Professor Morasi (Pronounced "More-ASS-y"? Tee hee.) shows up as the Yanks get set to fire nukes at the big guy. Hikada nixes the idea, so the military immediately caves in. Man, this is one wussbag army.

On the other hand...: Once Hikada speculates that Gammera might be vulnverable to cold, the Military guys immediately tell them they own a "Cold Bomb", which lasts for ten minutes. Whew, that was handy. Gammera wanders off, leaving the power plants as an area ripe for redeveloment. The Freezing Bombs are deployed pretty much instanteously. I'm now thinking Japan uses ACME to deliver its military ordinance. It appears to work because Gammera.. well, slows down. He IS a turtle, so I'm hardly expecting him to run the 100 in 9.9, but I'll go with it. The Good Guys plant a butt-load of dynamite in six minutes (Now THAT'S Japanese efficiency!) and clear the area.

BOOM! And he's down!: They've done it! he's on his back and helpless! With nearly half the movie to go, too! Hmmm... I sense a plot-twist.

Holy Flaming Frisbees, Batman!: And suddenly, Gammera ignites four flaming gas jets(?) from his shell(??) and flies away upside down.(!!!!!) Y'know, I've read about this ability, but it's still a mind-fucker of a scene. And with that, Hidaka finally works out the Rogammera Stones meaning... It's a flying giant turtle. Goofy monster movie logic at it's finest!

The United Nitwits: General Arnold gets the chance to address yet another rather cramped room of stuffy white guys. (And one African guy for colour. Wait, I badly phrased that. Oh, never mind.) He once again goes into his usual halting.. trying to.. rememeber.. the technical.. details.. delivery. Also in the room is a fez-wearing man. Either he's the Morrocan delegate, or the Shriners have double-booked the room. Internatinal co-operation is pedged to defeat the creature, which is a lot easier than today, due to the fact that only ten nations seem to be represented at best.

The Yanks and Reds go at it!: And it suddenly breaks down with the U.S and Soviet ambassadors shouting at each other. Well, at least these American scenes are consistent. Eventually a joint command is agreed on. Phew, that was a minor crisis averted. Plan Z is raised as the best way of destroying Gammera. I assume that means the first 25 plans just plain sucked, huh?

Back in the Original Film: Stuff happens. Kenny and family move to Tokyo while the lighthouse gets rebuilt. Kennys now preaching love and tolerance to turtles. Man, that kid needs therapy. An odd edit later, it's night tme. Good, dream of turtles and shut up, kid.

Stock Mayhem!: Gammeras' frigging around with the tides, causing oil tankers to collide and the footage to get all old and grainy. Also stock footage of planes arriving make the main headlines. Slow news day. Gammeras' back in town and he's ready to PARTY! Plan Z gets almost-revealled, and we're shown the island with attached dormant volcano and research facility it'll hopefully happen at. As the research facility is a Gerry Anderson-esque model, I think the chances of Beakface showing up are pretty good.

Gammera buzzes the tower!: Man, he could lose his pilots liscene for that stunt! Oops, misjudged the height. RIP air traffic control! He then appears to spontaneously explode, although a shot later indicates he's fine. Just loves to make an entrance, that guy. And we cut to...

Gammmmmmera!: Oh, dear. Gameras' got his own theme song. Sung by a bunch of 60's Japanese beatniks. It's a total knock-off of the Batman theme, but the kids seem to dig it. Groovy, man. Gammera breaks up the party. Literally.

And it's ON!: Tokyo is under attack! Again! And just like all Giant Monsters, he follows standard operating proceedure and makes a beeline for the nearest tourist attraction. In this case, the Tokyo Tower. As Mothras' lawyers quickly prepare the copyright infringement lawsuit, Gammera files a deed poll to drop an "M" from his name. Oh, and kicks ass on various cardboard and balsa wood skyscrapers. We cut between unconvincing special effects and unconvincing model work as the populace run and flee. Kenny abrubtly goes missing thanks to a jumpy edit, and we cut to a...

Loaded fuel train?: Y'know, keeping the trains running on time is the sign of a good city, but this is just tempting fate. Kenny folows it to the refinery, where Mr Leatheryback is rearranging the buildings. It turns out the train is actually part of Plan Z. Bags not being the driver of that one. Plan Z's main aim seems to be "Wait until Gammera sits directly on a train line." Which he obligingly does. VERY polite society, Japan. The train trundles in, blows up and we... cut to a ringing telphone.

What IS this plan?: I'm losing the already rather tenuous plaot here. Apparently they're going to keep rolling fuel tanks at Gammera until he... I don't know, gets tired? Kenny, moron that he is, hitches a lift on a train. The foreman tries to rescue the little idiot, and...

Cliffhanger Explosion!: The train blows up. Three times. YES! And no. Yep, they've leapt off at the last second, and weren't killed by the force of the explosion. Stop taunting me movie!

Fun With Accents: Back at the U.N, the American movie goes out of it's way to insult the Japanese movie, with the Japanese Ambassador uttering lines like "Our fuel surplise dangeloury low.". This after the perfect-English dubbing of the original is pretty cringe-inducing. Doubly so after he assures the Soviets they're working "around the crock" while not putting enough emphasis on the 'r'. They have twenty-four hours to get the Plan in action. No kidding, it's ALWAYS twenty-four hours.

Ahh, Science Chick spoke!: Well, one line, anyway. Plus "Goodbye". What a rewarding role. Gammera's still at the refinery, in the water now. (And apparently showing off his genitalia to the dockworkers. How rude.) Kenny sneaks on board a ship inside a cargo container. Well, hopefully there'll be trigger-happy armed guards on board.

VERY efficient country: Y'know, a Giant Turtle is attacking your country. When did you have time to have the "The Plan Z Headquarters" sign made? Oy.

Follow the boats, Gammera!: Well, they found Kenny. Apparently he stowed away from the dock to.. the dock again. The ship never left. Fun Fact: There's no Japanese word for 'continuity'. Oh no, he's on the island, apparently. So maybe the word "editor" is what I meant.Finally, the plan rolls into action.

This is the Plan?: Apparently the plan is to sailt miles out to sea and shoot oil barrels, making them explode to draw Gammera to the island. Because he'll instinctivly travel miles to a tiny oil fire, abandoning the blazing refinery and the huge, combustable city he's mere feet from? Ooooo-kay. Sure, the six oil barrels manage to set the entire sea of Japan aflame, but still...

I see a problem: He'll have to cross a time zone or two. It's midnight where Gammera is, yet daylight on Oshima Island. And then...

YES!: That's the sound I made after the filmakers went "Giant Turtle? Not enough.. let's throw a typhoon in there as well!". Yes, there's the Worlds' Fastest-Forming Typhoon on the way! And it's going to cause... volcanic activity? That's brilliant. Even I didn't see that twist coming. Because I'm not clincally insane.

Plot spinning off into the void!: So the typhoon winds show up thirty seconds later and start to blow the fire out. In ten seconds, the fire's out. Gammera turns back, as Iagi takes matters into his own hands, setting fire to a small hut. This seems like a logical course of action, so Hidaki orders the fire lit. And helpfully, someone must have already laid a gas trail to the fuel dump. Five seconds later (No fat in this script) an explosion draws Gammera back to the island. He waddles ashore as the rain starts. And begins to put out the fire. God hates these people.

And then...: The volcano explodes. So does my head. Everyone gets happy, rather than dies in the volcanic fury. And suddenly a strange edit takes us to... the next day? Later that afternoon? A year from Tuesday? And... we're at the research base, looking at a matte painting of.. things. Big Things. I have no idea what's going on. Sorry. Okay, they're setting flares alight, attracting Gammera, who appears to have survived the (brief) eruption. He steps onto a trap so obvious Wile E. Cyote would reject it, and is encased in a geodesic dome.They energise the Big Thingees and... blast him into space. You think I'm kidding? Somehow or other they built a Gammera-sized rocket in 24 hours and blasted him to Mars.

Um. The end, I guess. I need to go lie down.

Oh, the film? Pretty fun. Stupid, but pretty fun. Now, maybe I'll check out those sequels.

Oh, and HUGE thumbs up to clashtv.com. They rock. If I had an iPod, THIS is what I'd be downloading to it.