REVIEW: Spiders

Nu Image: Laughably Cheap CGI Our Speciality.

I picked up this flick from the same shelf at the Video Shop that stocked other quality Nu Image fare, such as Blood Surf and Octopus... so I knew right off the bat what I was in for. And while I took copius notes, (Including one that simply read "Oh, get the fuck out of here!") I really feel this movie only deserves the bullet-point treatment. So, here we go.

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND THINGS I LEARNT ("TIL") FROM:

SPIDERS (2000)

("TIL" Concept stolen from Sgt. Andrew B.)

Preview Time... wait, these are the same previews as on "Octopus!". I feel cheated.

Nu Image Presents: There's words to make a sane person flip the channel.

Ooh, they used the Hairy Font™ for the title. Fuzzy.

Wow, it's a calvacade of nobodies in this one. Guess George Takai was busy.

SCIENCE! Or the cheapest equivalent, really.

The way she's holding that tarantula reminds me of something. Is the "Kingdom of the Spiders...IN SPAAAACE!"?

STOCK FOOTAGE! Thanks for the space shuttle footage, NASA!

Man, either there's a BUNCH of Space Shuttles up there, or this editing is just really confusing.

Hey, knock off the gratutious Canada-bashing, Space-Dink!

The Shuttle "Solaris", huh? Where's George Clooney when you need him?

TIL: NASA has invented "Gravity-On-Demand", allowing astronauts to uses eye-droppers in space.

TIL: NASA like to name it's top-secret science experiments things like "Project Mother-In-Law". Next month "Project Saucpan and Cup".

Are you injecting the spider, or attempting to stab it to death? Could we get a smaller syringe, please?

Attack of the 80's Music Video Effects! (okay, it was a 'solar flare", but it still looked like a bad A-Ha clip to me...)

The pilot's Mother-In-Law is loose! Panic! (See, THAT'S why you have to think carefully about when naming things.)

Dude, that's the worst pimple I've ever seen.

TIL: You can actually land an entire Space Shuttle on "Autopilot" these days.

Enter our Heroine, the Conspiricy Chick.

Oops, she spent so long reading her "Big Book O' Aliens", she's late for something. Quick, run through the campus... and try not to trigger a musical number. (I was getting Grease 2 flashbacks...)

If "Hampden College" is a real university, they must be SO proud to be associated with this masterpiece of cinema.

TIL: Newspaper Editors always yell at their staff, even if they're overweight nerdy guys in glasses.

TIL: Varsity newspapers have a staff larger than the "New York Times".

I've got five bucks that says the uber-nerd will use his computer skills sometime later in the flick.

TIL: Decorating your desk with 4,000 inflatable aliens and a poster of UFO's makes a real staement. The staement is "I'm an Idiot".

Boy, this scene where Conspiricy Chick interviews a pair of "Aliens" is really advancing the plot, huh?

The Aliens are conversing in Sweedish Chef-ese!

So the Conspiricy Chick is "Marci", Nerdy Longhair is "Jake" and the Too-Cool-For-School Guy Who Hangs Out With Them is "Slick". They're really only missing Velma and a dog to complete the set.(Although Marci wears glasses, so she's kind of a cross between Daphne and Velma. Chadzilla is probably breaking out in a cold sweat at THAT image,)

"Area 21"? Was the other place booked out?

Y'know, people shouldn't complain about not getting "hard stories", mere minutes after interview a wierdo who drinks non-dairy creamer.

Marci doesn't want to do a piece on the shuttle launch, because she's chasing her conspiricy theories. Oh, the irony is so... lazily written.

Hey, it's the Mystery Jeep! (Could we have found one in a BRIGHTER shade of red? They'll see that coming from the next state...)

So she's heading out to Area 21 after all. Lucky that, or the whole 'Spider' Plotline would have been wasted.

Yes, it's fascinating watching Jake and Slick bicker, movie. Could we get back to the story now?

Please?

Slick electrocuted himself! YAY!

Damn. Stop playing cruel tricks on me, Slick... I want to see you fry.

Oh no, Marcis' in trouble because she missed a "breaking story"! I thought she worked for a varsity paper, not CNN!

Space Shuttle Crash! Suddenly we're watching Armageddon! NOOOO... oh, wait, this crash was done with really CHEAP CGI. Nope, it's still Spiders.

Hmm, the shuttle has a gaping hole in it's side with "SOLA" on one side, and "RIS" on the other. Guess it's the Space Shuttle "SOLAAAAARIS", then.

TIL: Getting killed by a genetically-modified spider causes your rip-cage to explode outwards.

Either that or the shuttle was carrying an Alien, too.

Howdy, Pilot Latex-Face!

Men in Black, incoming! (Well, with this films budget, it's more like Men in Charcoal.)

That spider just hid a Tic-Tac in Pilot Lumpyfaces' belly-button.

Quick, Scooby Gang... escape in full view of everyone, that'll work!

Holy shit, it worked.

Oh, nice going, Agent Clumsy. That spider will NEVER come off your boot.

TIL: Government Sp00ks are entitled to shoot their own medical personel when they can't get their own way. Good negotiation tactics, Agent Grey.

I guess we'll take the "Shoot the Quack" scene as a "Sledgehammer of Evil" scene. (Term courtesy of the Agony Booth forums.)

TIL: One smoke grenade can blow up an entire Space Shuttle, provided you do the "Right Stuff" slow-mo walk away from it. ("Bay on a Budget", according to my notes. Very fake CGI explosion, too.)

Apparently the shuttle crews bodies turned into foam rubber on re-entry, the way those guys are tossing them about.

Well, you're in Area 21, Marci. Happy now? Sure, there's a dead guy lying on top on you, but you'll get your big story, right?

Whoa, a Turbo-Lift! (This would be the ONLY time that lift would travel that fast, however.)

TIL: Medical teams unload dead bodies using their sense of touch only.

Note to the set decorator: Placing the same three Biohazard buckets in every set is economical, though slightly silly at times. (Like when all three were in a corridor, for instance. Awaiting the Biohazrd Trash Collector, maybe?)

Who's snoring? The movie isn't THAT boring! Just.

Oh, it was Pilot Prune-Face. So why could they hear his breathing when they were three rooms away?

Incidently, the pilot is now starting to resemble the big guy in The Goonies.

So, you find a barely-alive man with a face like a bowl of congealed oatmel hooked to a life-support machine, and your first reaction is "Let's get him out of here!". You're a fucking idiot, Slick.

Hey, this pilot must be Linda Blairs old man. Hope that washes off, Marci.

TIL: A two-foot long spider can crawl out of a mans' mouth.

Don't go in there, dcotor! You're an Ethnic Minority! Aww, crap, I warned you.

TIL: Giant Spider venom makes you vomit toothpaste.

COTTON CANDY ATTACK!

This film is pretty consistent, really. After all, the practical effects are just as crappy as the CGI effects.

Damn, it decided to chase the Nurse, while leaving Slick un-eaten. Stupid spider.

I had to pause the tape here, in order to stop laughing at the "Rubber Spider on a Stick" attack technique.

Enter the Disposable Miltary Guys!

Okay, Agent Clumsy gets to be the first to split off from the main group. (I noted "Split Up..and DIE!) no less than three times in my notes.) Yep, good strategy, Sarge. (Note: Agent Clumsy doesn't get killed. Phew.)

Oops, the Scoobies ran down one flight of stairs and got lost. How'd they even find their car today?

Oh, good, more bickering. "The Blair Witch Project... OF THE SPIDERS!"

Jake: "Let's see, we took three rights...". Really? Maybe that's in the deleted scenes. Or Jake's just a moron.

"All right gentlemen, let's divide our forces AGAIN! Johnson, go that way and scream if something eats you."

That is one EFFICIENT spider... alive for five minutes, and yet managed to cover the entire base in giant spiderwebs.

Yes, eat the Nerd! He's low-fat.

Good, you punched the spider in the mouth, Slick. Thanks for asserting your manliness.

TIL: People in Creature-Features ALWAYS assume the monster is dead, but never go to check.

Wait, I already knew that.

Ooh, Easy-Peel spider.

Hey, they found Astronaut-sicles! (Corpses from "Apollo 18". This possibly could have been an interesting plot twist. Too bad they used it as a meaningless time-filler scene, with no bearing on the story whatsoever.)

Oh look, it's the Laboratory of Plot Exposition Research!

TIL: Specimens are sometimes preserved in neon multi-coloured liquids these days.

TIL: When in need of insight, open the first dossier you see. There's ALWAYS something useful in it.

TIL: Top-Secret Government computer files can be hacked into by Nerdy varsity geeks in three minutes or less.

Okay, so Dairy-Creamer Guy WAS an Alien! That should impact on the plot! (NOTE: No, it doesn't. In fact, he's never mentioned again directly. This script needs to be taken out and flogged. Especially for an earlier line "It's like bad Sci-Fi!". Don't shoot yourself in the foot, movie.)

Admittedly, there's a mention of "Alien DNA", later on. But it's still desn't mean I needed to sit through that stupid "Interview" scene.

Aww, Jake just realised he's been poisoned and there's no cure. Bummer, dude. (His sudden outburst of colourful profanity was fairly amusing, though.)

Jake's Hulking up! Go get her, Jake-bo!

Wait a minute, why is he swelling up like a balloon? The Doctor didn't do that...

Something-in-Shot! (On rewinding three times, I decided it was a stray piece of "web". Either that or the boom is made of Silly String.)

Death by POV Shot!

Splitting up again, sir... ARGGGGH!

Hey, how many spiders are in this base, anyway? That critter's all OVER the place.

Although it is a plural-ised title, so maybe that's the secret. (Nice try, Skeeter, it's just the way they edited it.)

Where would low-budget film-makers be without power-plants for their actors to run around in?

Marci and Slick spend more time in a lift-shaft than the average Schindlers employee during this film.

That is one of the fakest-looking CGI lift shafts in cinematic history,

SPRING-LOADED GIANT VOLKSWAGEN-SIZED PLASTIC SPIDER!

And THAT is the single-worst CGI "falling down a fake-looking CGI lift shaft" effect in cinematic history. Yes, I know that's a fairly narrow field.

Okay, this needs some explaining. Marci and Slick leave a stalled elevator car, climb a ladder up to a door, open it to find the Giant Spider waiting for them. Startled, they fall backwards into the lift shaft, plummeting down for dozens of floors until they land... in a giant spider web. So, as best I can figure it, the spider waited until they started the climb, removed the entire elevator car, spun a huge web, then climbed out of the shaft and ran up ten flights of stairs to meet the pair. It's the Ernst Bloefeld of arachnids, folks.

Retrospectivly, I can't help but think that the CGI elevator shaft had NO CABLES! Some sort of clever anti-grav system, perhaps?

After the fall, Marci landed directly on Slick. Probably should have broken BOTH their spines, methinks.

And in between cuts, Marci has instantly turned 90 degrees from where we just saw her land. Good continuity, guys.

TIL: Spider webs are Selectivly Sticky. (Slick can't move a muscle, Marci crawls all over it. Weird.)

Bye, bye Slick. I'll miss... well, whatever it was you were in the movie for.

Who the hell is Marci listening to? (On re-winding an upping the volume, it was just her hearing Jake and Slicks dialogue in her head. Thus allowing us to watch Marci do bugger all for a few minutes. Padding, thy name is Nu Image.)

Area 21 really needs to get matinence to look at those pipes, or someone's going to get a severe steam-burn.

Actuualy, why exactly does this huge (CGI) base have no-one working in it? You'd think we'd at least see a cleaner or something.

Uhh, Agent Clumsy ust had your ass handed to you by a chick.

Twice!

Agent Grey on finding Sgt. Spiderchow lying in a corridor, bleeding from multiple wounds: "What are you doing?" Geez, he's Riverdancing, what does it look like?

Umm, Agent Grey. Could you stop shooting your own men, please? We've figured out how evil you are.

In fact, why did the U.S Government hire this insane, gun-happy lunatic... and NOT make him a Postal Worker?

Man, during the middle third of this film, Marci just turns into Whiny Hell-Bitch Girl...

Okay, what did that pipe do to deserve getting shot?

What the hell did Agent Clumsy and Marci just land in, the Area 21 Industriual-Sized Jacuzzi? (And if so, I think they need to add some chlorine to that water, it's turning green.)

Wet T-Shirt Rumble!

Just call him David Cop-a-Feel. Did Vince Russo write this movie while working for WCW?

Great, now Agent Pyscho has teleportational powers.

Oh, and he's been keeping tabs on Marci, because of her "accurate" reporting on UFO's. So I take it he spends every day going throuigh every student newspaper in the country , then?

Worst. CGI Effect. Ever. I mean it. I mean, I KNOW it's supposed to be webbing looping around Agent Grey, but there's no way in HELL you can make that effect any less believable, unless you got a stoned orangatan to act it out, whilst simultaneously holding up a sign saying "THIS IS WEBBING' behind him.

I mean it, it's that bad.

Seriously.

The spider's BEHIND! In FRONT! BEHIND! ("Plan 9... OF THE SPIDERS!")

Oh God, tell me it's not humping him to death.

"Okay, we have a lift and a giant creature charging us. Which one of us is Michael Biehn, again?"

TIL: Elevators in secret government facilities have floors made of balsa wood.

Hey, even the spider knows Kens' Rule of Guns!

"Bargin Basement! Mens underwear, books and splattered spider guts!"

Man, the movie appears to be over, and we're only at the 75 minute mark. Something smells fishy... (Although that just may be Buzz, our cat. Stupid sardine-flavoured cat-food.)

TIL: There are no classes at university in Southern California, as they just disrupt the students from sitting outside in the sun all day.

TIL: Even if there were, being on the staff of a varisty newspaper excludes you from having to attend classes anyway.

Oh, good, Agent Grey is still alive. And he had time to dryclean his suit, too.

So he shot the Shouty Editor, without a silencer and a room full of people never saw him enter, nor heard a thing. The future of news-reporting is in safe hands, folks.

It ain't Bad Sci-Fi without the "They'd make perfect weapons!" speech.

Wow, those legs sprouting out of his back remind me of the post-nookie scene in Species. Except these look REALLY fake.

Pop goes the Agent!

I think HERE was where I wrote "Oh, get the fuck out of here!". Either from the bloodless CGI Agent Explody, or the fact he hatched a spider the size of a Sherman tank from his sub-six foot frame.

TIL: Hampden College students panic like dorks.

TIL: Hampden College only has 25 students. Oops, make that 24. Ooh, that must hurt... 23.

Y'know, looking at this shiny, apperently weightless CGI Spider, I'm kind of yearning for a Fuzzy Volkswagen with Legs.

Not-Bad Car Stunt, runined by the Inclusion of a Crappy CGI Spider.

TIL: The U.S Government is now buying its armaments from Playskool.

NEON PLASTIC ROCKET ATTACK!

Great, the Spider is the size of two cross-town buses, and Agent Doofus missed it from thirty feet away. Our Hero, folks.

TIL: Parking an Evil Black Helicopter in the middle of a varsity carpark attracts ZERO attention from the students.

Well, the Spider's okay at smashing things, although I think Godzilla has more flair.

Although he's got the classics down pat... FRUIT CART!

There's good times to pad the running time and bad times. Watching Marci struggle with her seatbelt during the Dramatic Finale would be an example of BAD padding.

NEON PLASTIC ROCKET ATTAC... How could you MISS?

Oh, it's carapace is "Too strong" for the rocket, huh? Yeah, sure. (Incidently, it's really lucky the convention center the Spider is on wasn't damaged by the "blast", huh?)

Hey, using Marci as bait and going Archno-Fishing! I like these tactics.

Lame Bad-Ass Chick line? Check. Bad CGI Spider Explody? Check. Said explody shown four times from different angles? Check. Lame final line? Check. 50's Doo-Wop Music over the end credits? Unexpected.

Final TIL: If your the female lead and break your glasses half-way through the film, your vision automatically becomes 20/20 for the rest of the film.

And we be done. Adequate time-waster, with sub-par CGI. Worth a look if it's on cable, worth a rental if you're in the right mood. Better than Octopus, though. For whatever that's worth.