SPECIAL EVENT: The 2003 V Movie Marathon

We few, we happy few... we sleep-deprived, butt-chafed few. Yes, once more we charge unto the breach that is the "V" Movie Marathon... did it reach the giddy heights of last years B-movie insanity? Read on and find out, won't you?

Compared to last year, my day leading up to the show was fairly sedate. I spent most of the afternoon creating virtual mayhem at "Furious George's Cross-Country Crime Spree", then lost hundreds of virtual golf balls practising the 14th hole of the Skeleton Coast course in Links 2003. (I swear that stupid lake is the golfing equivalent of Charlie Browns kite-eating tree!) Rick had pulled out of attending a few days ago, as his new job as a sous chef is a social-life destroyer of the highest magnitude. Maybe next year, dude. I packed even lighter than last year, deciding a pillow was only going to slow the onset of Civic Theatre Butt Agony Syndrome rather than prevent it. My supplies: Two packs of munchies, one of which I ate on the bus into town. A pair of comfortably slobby sweatpants. (I don't own a pair of PJ's, and trust me, you DON'T want to see me in my usual sleeping attire in public.) Notepad and pen. And my father-in-laws digital camera, borrowed for the occasion. (More on that later.)

I had been invited to a birthday dinner for a friend of a friend before the show, so I set out around 6pm. I arrived at the Mexican Cafe fashionably late, after an insanely slow trip along K Road. (I swear our bus was overtaken by an old lady on a mobility scooter at one stage...) After a cheap and cheerful meal and some shouted conversation, (noisy resturant) most of the crew headed to the 8:10 showing of Old Men in New Cars. (Including several who were marathoning that night as well... ballsy!) I decided to conserve my rapidly-dwindling cash supplies for the week by heading to the Classic Comedy Club instead. (As a performer, I get freebie tickets to the shows... cool, huh?) On the way I stopped for a quick game of Simpons pinball, which turned into a 40-minute period of thumb-abuse after my dollar coin somehow gave me three credits instead of one. I love it when I have good karma. I eventually made it to the club in time to catch performances by Andrew Clay, Raybon Kan, Vaughn King and P-Funk Chainsaw. Good laughs all round, although Raybon did discover that taking a good-natured potshot at Sir Edmund Hilary was not exactly a crowd-pleaser. Can't win 'em all, I guess.

Afterwards, I did a quick sweep through Borders to confirm that yes, there IS a lot of things I want, but can't afford. (Not least, the new Live album and the DVD Special Edition of The Day the Earth Stood Still.) With another hour still to go, I shot into another video arcade... and was soon brought to a standstill by the funniest thing I've seen in MONTHS!

The Japanese "Virtual Maraca Player" Game.

You read that right... There they were. Two young Asian students, standing in front of a large screen, shaking plastic maracas in time to some Latin-styled J-pop. And not just shaking them... the game actually forces you to wave them in certain ways at certain times for maximum points. Over your head, side-to-side, up and down. What the hell happened to video games I could actually understand? From "Galaxians" to virtual versions of "Simon" in such a short space of time. And so, shaking my head at todays youth, I skirted the dancing stages and DJ simulators and paid one buck to ride my virtual skateboard to a B-class rating. Gnarly.

Finally, I headed to the London Bar for a coke and some good jazz. And ran into my fellow marathoners, fresh from Old Men in New Cars. (Which my friend and former drinking-buddy Mandos assures me is "fucking excellent", unquote.) That's all I can tell you, as I was soon re-discovering the pointlessness of attempting to converse during a jazz drummers solo. Eventually, we crossed the road to the Mighty Civic and caught up with the rest of the group. (Which comprised of myself, an old workmate Ben, Greg, Chay, Alister, Stacy and Debs... who informed me that should I call her "Debbie", she would be forced to "disembowel me with a spoon"... All righty-then!) I managed to meet up with fest organiser Ant Timpson, who graciously comped me a ticket after last years "One for the price of two" incident. You da man, Ant! I tried to get some photos of the Civics interior, only to have the cameras' battery go flat after about six shots. (Most of which looked to be pitch-black, anyway. Back to stealing pictures off the internet to jazz up my web-page, I guess.) We staked out a row about halfway back, with Greg to the left of me and Stacy to the right. (I did warn them about my propensity to fire off bad puns in advance, of course. I'm nothing if not courteous.)

The first big cheer of the night came with the first emergence of the sponsers product. Within minutes, cans of V were being passed, lobbed and quite literally hurled into the crowd. (No major concussions to report, luckily.) A few V beanies awere also tossed to the crowd, with one practically landing in Stacys lap. Ant emerged soon after to welcome us, promising us some "tough movies", as well as a classic Japanese monster flick and some "adult entertainment". (Wacka-chicka, wacka-chicka..) He also inferred that we would be seeing Street Wars II... a funny line, but one that had people asking "Are we REALLY going to see Street Wars II?" six hours later. There's no such film, of course. (Because if there WAS, I'd have Jamaa Fanakas' head mounted on a bloody pike by now.) And so, the lights dimmed, the curtain opened... and we're off! And to get us going was...

Evils of the Night

Ahh, a Seventies Soft-core Sci-Fi Gore Slasher film! Kind of. It was actually made in 1985(!!), according to the IMDB. (We're keeping up the trend from last years' opener, Revenge of the Cheerleaders, I see... the first nudity is DURING the opening credits!) I nearly fled the theatre right off the bat, as the sight of an ET-like alien spceship had me convinced me we were about to watch Nukie or Mac and Me. Fortunately, we quickly cut to a couple watching another couple boinking like bunnies in the woods. NOT a family film, then? Good. Trying to piece together the plot today is tricky... Then again, trying to work out the plot while WATCHING it was hard enough! Let's give it a try, though.

Okay, so we spot an alien spaceship en route to Earth. Once entering our atmosphere, it chages from a plastic-looking Battlestar Galactica Reject into an Intergalactic Disco Ball. Before we can wonder about its amazing Stock-Footage-Enabled-Transformation abilities, we meet some Generic Oversexed Teens. One couple heads into the woods for some.. uh, quality time, the other two take to the lake. The Woodland Duo proceed to have a Stupid Face-Pulling Contest. (He as she performs a close personal favour on him... through his jeans. I think she's new at this.) She gets one-upped though by the Underwater CPF being attempted in the lake. Now that's NOT what I call safe sex. Back in the woods, we get an interesting new postion for the Karma Sutra... the Congress of the Completely Concealed Dinky. I had no desire to see the guys butt in the slightest, but fair's fair... If she's bareass naked, he shouldn't be wussing out by keeping his pants on the whole time. (Not to mention the logistics of HOW he's getting his freak on!) Of course, since sex+woods=death, someone sneaks up on the two and garottes the guy. The kicker is, SHE DOESN'T REALISE THIS! Boy, was that a scene only Micheal Hutchence could have appreciated fully... auto-erotc asphyxia by proxy! Our unknown assailant then picks off the couple in the lake... so far, so Friday the 13th. And then it all went horribly, wonderfully wrong!

From the next scene, as two women we could only describe as the Alien Lesbian Roller Disco Twins were seen for the first time, insanity reigned. To sum things up in a nutshell, aliens led by an aging John Carrindine (In a fetching outfit aparently made of aluminium foil.) syphon off the blood of humans. Specifically, humans between the ages of 16-25 who are willing to flash their boobs at the camera. This one had a ton of riff-mking situations... Let's list some:

Gratuitous nudity and lipstick lesbianism: Right after we meet our Aliens, we head back to the lake in daylight. And boy howdy, those two suntan-oil applying girls are REAL close friends, huh? Oddly the movie... *ahem*.. blows its' load in the first half-hour, then gives us not an inch of skin for the rest of the flick.

The Heroic(?) Core Cast: I loved these guys... The soon-to-be-tragically seperated engaged couple, the Bleach-Blond-Bimbo who reminded me of the drummer from "Josie and the Pussycats", former "Gilligans Island" star Tina Louise as Cora, the Good Girl.. and my personal favourite, David Hawk as "Bryan". (Coras boyfriend who spends the entire flick bemoaning his lack of getting any.) Oddly, Bryan is supposedly our "hero", despite being as useful as Michael Jackson in a streetfight.

The Aliens Henchmen: The Evil Aliens prove to be intergalactic morons with their choice of teenage-kidnappers... two inbred-looking rednecks I simply dubbed "Cletus and Earl". Six billion people on Earth, and they pick the dumbest guys in eight states to carry out their evil plans.

Things I'll Remember About This Film and "Th' Hell?" Moments

(in vaguely chronolgical order)

Lego-based Starship approaching, captain!

Hey, they arrived in a Christmas ornament!

Chh-chh-chh-ha-ha-ha...

Dope smoking? You're dead.

Whoa, has the dude got an air-hose down there, too? You're gonna drown, girl!

Umm, could we get this lady a mirror and let her work on a more natural facial expression?

Scream, splash, jump-cut to a hospital. I'm confused already and it's only been eight minutes!

Now, were the weird alien nurses actually supposed to leave that guy ungaurded in the corridor while they make out?

Yep, they're sucking the blood out of your girlfriend... MIGHT want to go get help now.

Ooh, zapped him with the Green Pinky Ring of Death!

Geez, he's taking a long time to die? Did she have that thing set on "Torture", or something?

Hey, two pornstars oiling each other up! That never happens on the beaches I go to...

Okay, the blond girl fell for the "Covering you in weeds is good for the skin" line. Oh, the hilarity of a sterotyped bimbo!

So, this guy turns down sex from his girlfriend, but wants to do it that night in the haunted cabin. Hello, Dead Meat!

Is that a close-up of John Carrindines face, or the surface of Mars?

Man, this campfire scene reminds me of I Know What You Did Last Summer! Bad campfire scene, BAD! I'm still trying to forget I paid to see that flick!

SHUT UP, BRYAN! Hey, it's a catchphrase from the gals! (And our first running gag of the night.. I made sure to use it at least once per movie.)

The Haunted boathouse/cabin sure has a lot of furniture left in it... including a bed! (Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka!)

Dude, what are you doing? Don't lick her! That's disgusting!

Yes, you two... you're going to be married in a month! Now head off into the woods and fornicate to celebrate!

Dude, I said STOP licking her! What are you, a cocker spaniel?

Okay, once again, she's naked, he's got his pants on...how are they having sex again?

Whoa, a romantic ballad while you're getting some in the woods, huh? Pine needles in the butt, mud, voyeuristic squirrels... yup, that's romance all right!

Oops, the couple in the haunted house just heard something! And look, Licky-Guy didn't notice that massive butchers knife during his exhaustive serach! Schmuck.

They're being attacked by snow-boarders! Run!

Okay, who are these Ugly Rednecks? What's going on? Are we in a different movie now?

Julie Newmar as the Alien Woman with the Pointy Face!

She's paid off Earl and Cletus with a handful of dimes? Cheapest labour north of the border!

Oh, sorry... they're "gold coins'. Like Cletus would know the difference.

Okay, the Pre-Honeymooners have been captured, but their friends CAN'T be buying Earls "They went to Reno, yeah, that's right, Reno!" story.

There's also a throw-away bit as Cletus and Earl bump off a guy whos car is being worked on... after a close call with a hydraulic lft. (Foreshadowing, foreshadowing...)

Yep, good idea, pointy-faced Alien Lady... leave your prisioner in an unlocked room, six feet from a prominently-marked Exit.

Hang on, why are we back at the lake again? Guess Earl was more convincing than I thought...

The long-winded exposition scene we've been waiting for! Ahh, the plot is so much clearer now! No, wait... it isn't. Damn.

Yes, Bryan we HAVE established that you couldn't get lucky on a desert island populated entirely by sex-starved nymphs. Shut up.

Okay, so the girls are sleeping in the car, but aren't having an unexpected lesbian encounter. I feel cheated.

GRATUITOUS SENSUAL EATING OF A BANANA! (And the entire audience saw it coming a mile off... first-ever round of applause for soft fruit.)

Look out girls, the flabby, sweat-stained militia are coming!

Great plan, Earl. Carjack them, get bitchslapped a lot, then let then get out and run away. Mensa called, they rejected your application.

Fine, let's watch every last second of Cletus and Earls fumbling attempts to tie up and gag the Blondie.

This would be one of the MANY instances of someone hiding in plain sight, I presume?

No, don't talk to that pointy-faced woman! Her jagged features project evil and menace! Ooh, that looked like it hurt!

Incidently, why WAS Pointy-faced Womans' house adorned with a big "H" on the living room wall?

Jeez, Bryan... you fight like a girl!

Back at the hospital, Pre-nuptial girl checks the corridor. Empty. So she goes back into her room and gets ready to ambush the next person through the door. What, "running away" was too difficult a concept to grasp?

Plus, she uses two large glass jars in a sheet as a weapon. Even so, that wussed-out swing isn't knocking ANYONE out!

Why are you walking THAT way? (For those there on the night, you may have heard my exasperated cry of "USE! The EXIT!")

Oh, it was so you could Hide in Plain Sight in the morgue. Fine, fine, so long as there's a valid reason.

Great, Bryan and the girls are tied to pillars in the back of the Auto Shop. (I took one look and said "Bring out the Gimp!" Stacy pointed at Cletus and replied "He's already here!")

I'm not sure which is worse, Blondies' over-acting or the fact Cletus is getting horny.

"Oh, My Wisdom"? What in the blue hell does THAT mean, Ms. Newmar?

The Grooms' dead. Smell the pathos. Or is that just Cletus?

Incidently, did Blondie just have her hotpants painted on? I think she'll have to have them removed with a paint-stripper.

Wait, the girl with the room-temperature IQ is the only one who can slip out of Earls granny-knots? You're looking worse by the second, Bryan

Nice, that guy in the audience called "Hide in the truck" just before Sudden Widow girl did so. Not that the plot is predictable, or anything. Since there isn't a plot.

Cletus picks out his piece of ass. (For those that were there on the night, that was me who shouted "Pick Bryan!". You're welcome.)

Iron pipe to the head! And Cletus is down! No he's not! Better get another weapon, Blondie!

Or alternatively, just hide behind the still-helpless Bryan and fling mediumly heavy things at Cletus.

POWER DRILL!

Ooh, bet that hurt!

Or did it? Cletus, she just put a spinning drill bit in your side. Care to say "Ouch", or something?

Bye bye, Blondie. I'll miss your incessant bubblyness and annoying shrill voice!

Cletus, you just power-drilled a woman to death... you can't STILL be horny?

Ooh, Bryans getting all angry and stuff...

BLOOD SPEW OF DOOM!

Didn't we just do this exact chase scene with Blondie?

Fun Fact: Hydrualic carlift+loose shoelaces=Squidgy Death to rednecks.

Boy, Earl is PISSED! Were he and Cletus having a secret affair?

GAS LINE IN THE EAR!

Hey, he's bleeding from the wrong side! Did she blow his brains completely out? (I can't tell the difference either way.)

Hide and go demented...

At some stage, either Earl or Cletus got hit in the head... I can't remember which, since my notes just read "Tune his head"... I guess they foleyed in an odd sound.

Widowed Chick has the axe... she's right behind him.. she swings... OH, COME ON! Even I could have hit him from that distance!

Heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeee's FLABBY!

He "dis-armed" her! (Well, I did warn them about the punslinging...)

Disco Ball away!

Earl vs Bryan! The Final Showdown!

Bryan is SO getting his ass kicked!

DEUS EX MACHINA! (I guess even the aliens felt sorry for Bryan. Either that or that just plain hated Earl.)

And that was just the first film....

Godzillas' Revenge

Well, don't expect a lengthy plot summation here... To sum it up, I'll say this. Japanese Kid gets bullied, dreams of being on Monster Island with Godzilla and Minya, foils crooks and stands up to bullies. The End. But here's the questions this film raised for me.

Is that kid going to live past forty? He's living in the most polluted part of Japan, by the looks of it.

Would he be on massive amounts of Ritalin if he was alive today?

Is there a "Tight Shorts" motif running through the Marathon? (Who wears short shorts? Practically everybody!)

Why was that sign-painter dressed like a Japanese Gene Autrey?

Is that fat kid in the bullying gang a trainee sumo wrestler? Or did Burger King arrive in Japan earlier than I thought?

Did you think that Japanese daily newspaper had a Hardcore Tentacle Anime lift-out section?

Who cut the legs off Kennys kitchen table?

Was that REALLY a "mini-computer"? I've seen smaller screens mounted abobe the stand at football games?

Even if you are a typical Japanese man working his way to his first stroke, would you really leave your kid with a creepy toymaker who wears a long black robe?

Kennys real name is "Itchy-ro", by the way. I'll call him Kenny, since I don't even know where your "ro" is...

What the HELL are they eating? ("Mmmmm... that's GOOD pork scrotum!")

You are now flying Dream Sequence Airways... but still, would Kenny be able to just walk into the cockpit in this day and age?

Could the fact that Big G's head keeps changing shape be related to the fact that this attack footage is cribbed from earlier Godzilla flicks?

Wouldn't a giant mosquito still be fairly easy to squish?

Did Godzilla have a background in pro-wrestling? That's one hell of a bodyslam!

Hmm, Kenny running around in his tiny little shorts... You think this movie gets played at the Neverland Ranch a lot?

What the hell was that giant red buzzard?

Why is Minya talking?

More importantly, why is he talking like Soupy Sales?

What did the giant spider do to piss Godzilla off so much? That was a pretty uncalled for attack!

Why do my written-in-the-dark notes have "personal service" scrawled on them?

Oh, that's right. Do Japanese policemen REALLY turn up at your house and say "Try not to get your car stolen, sir."? Uhh, thanks officer.

Did Galbra(?) look like Godzilla after some shockingly bad hair implants, or what? Or a massivly deformed cat?

And what's with the lumpy skin? Can we get him some Clerasil, please?

Did his timing engine need adjusting? Every time that giant kitty roared, it kinda wobbled off at the end.

Would the near-invincible Cletus from the first film have kicked ass in this fight or what?

Was Godzilla fighting the giant Crab monster, or merely having a spirited game of volleyball?

Why did both the bank robbers wear sunglasses after dark? (Greg: "John Woo's: Godzillas' Revenge")

Was this jet-fighter footage re-worked for "Pearl Harbour"?

Is Minya dancing, or having a pyschotic episode?

Did the washed-out, sepia-toned print make this film look like one giant flashback to anyone else in the room?

Is it really good fathering to smack your kid around, simply beacuse he can't use his radioactive death-breath yet?

Did they re-write the laws of physics for this movie? Otherwise, the "see-saw" manuever should have sent Minya hurtling to the moon...

Did Minya REALLY have to kick Galbra when he was down? In the face? That's just mean.

How did the bad guys steal fifty million yen, if they're stupid enough to be outsmarted by Kenny?

Were they aiming for a "humorous" accent for the car guy, not realising they dubbed him with "flamboyantly gay" instead?

Was the moral of this movie "Violence solves everything!" or "Don't punish your kids for their bone-headed tricks that nearly paralyze signwriters"?

And was that scene where they got the idea for the ACC advert from?

Still, even the worst Godzilla flick beats a lot of the crap out there today. I vote for "Godzilla vs the Smog Monster" for next year...

Intermission (3am)

Time for a stretch, a call of nature or a cancer stick, depending on your preferences. I tried to secure another "V", but they were holding them back for some reason. It would all become clear later. We spent some time discussing what we had seen, both in our group and with our fellow freaks.. uh, attendees. About here I realised the guy in front of me was wearing home-made orange prison coveralls. A big fan of The Story of Ricky, perhaps? Before the next movie, we had the first of the nights competitions. This was the "Minya Dance-Off"! Fifteen hardy volunteers did their best impersonations of the Talking Turd that Godzilla begat. The winner was the young lady wearing a cow mask for some undisclosed resason. And yes, I'll admit it, I was the one who yelled "Show us your Udders!" at her. Trust me, even I can't believe the stuff that comes out of my mouth some times. Bonus points to the second runner-up of the dance-off, Macerana Boy. Onwards!

Black Gestapo

Blaxploitation time! And this was a doozy! Basic story: White guys run rackets in Watts, black guys form paramiltary group to combat them, paramiltary group becomes as bad as the white racketeers, people get shot, funk music plays. The usual, really. Except this one used the Sledgehammer of Plot with wild abandon, as the whole movie becomes a not-so-subtle Nazi allegory. We're talking guys dressed in full SS regalia giving patriotic speeches in front of large banners, that sort of thing. (They even overdubbed "Seig Heil!" chants over one of them, just in case we hadn't got the hint yet. We became convinced that the head of the Black Gestapo was one of the guys from "Sesame Street"... but the IMDB informs me I was WAY out. He was actually "Mac" on "Night Court". Thus making our Seasame-related riffs slightly less relevant than I thought. ("Operation Snuffleupagus rolls into action!", "Hmm, one of these things is NOT like the other...")

I did love that all the Blaxploitation cliches were dragged out, dusted off and put on display. White characters are sleazy, lying racists? Check. (These guys were so oily, even I was inspired to shout "Up yours, Whitey!" at them.) Innocent black girl gets beaten and/or raped for no apparent reason? Check. Rapist on the receiving end of great vengeance and furious anger? Uh-huh... with knobs on, baby! Or more precisely, with knobs well and truely OFF! (A fairly unpleasant scene involving a white guy in a bath, four angry Afro-Americans.. and a straight-razor. Yowch. (Actually, the most disturbing part was the white guy in the bath... please don't splay, sir!) Hideous fashions that seems to warp time and space with their sheer ugliness? Oh yeah... I dubbed the white guys "The Polyester Mafia" or the "Plaid Syndicate" in my notes. Giant afros? In spades. Wacka-chicka guitars? Uh-huh.

While this one was talky at times, there was plenty of comedic mileage to be had from the film. Take the white female prostitute, for instance. Three scenes in total, all in bed, two of them naked. Now there's a rewarding part for ya... she was even billed as "White Whore" in the end credits. But her shining moment came as the Gestapo guys decided to "unveil" her for us... just minutes after the Neon Orange Reel of Sunshine began... this overexposed, thirty-year-old piece of celluloid had someone in my row exclaiming "I guess she IS a natural red-head!". Speaking of hair, the Main Honky Bad-Guys toupee was a scream. From behind me: "He's wearing a Tribble!". Eyebrows were raised all over after head badguy (And rapist) Vito was refered to as "The Big One". Not after the straight-razor scene, he wasn't. The main henchman also made a habit of turning up at his bosses bedroom(!) in the middle of the night to deliver messages. Or possibly just to ogle his bosses girlfriends hideously silicone-ised breasts. (We see them numerous times... well, just once actually, but they re-use the shot about 5 times. As evidenced by the clock radio next to her bed, permenatly stuck at 3:31am. I figured she was in her own seperate space/time/sillicone dimension). There was also an EXTREMELY androgynous young militant in the early part of the film. I distinctly heard someone yell "They're beating up a woman!" mere seconds before an on-screen character referred to him as "A young brother". Are you QUITE sure that's accurate, General?


Crap, it's 3AM and I'm running on 4 hours sleep. I'll finish up tomorrow. Probably.

Coming up: More on Black Gestapo, the Strangest Film of 1937, the Obligatory Good Film, Donald Pleasance, and more!

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Twenty-Four Hours Later...

Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right... the Seventies. *shudder* Black Gestapo did have the honour of starting a running gag that lasted me the rest of the night. (Or at least until all around me had be sufficiently bludgeoned with the Lead-Loaded Warhammer of Over-Used Comedy.) Early in the flick, the soon-to-be Black Furher recruited his second-in-command. While sitting on a bed in front of him, head at crotch height. This would have been okay, until the now-convinced standing guy looks down at him and says "Let's get it on!". (Wacka-chicka, wacka-chika...) Ans so, for the next three hours, any situation with even a HINT of sexual tension had me singing "Let's get it on..." in my best faux-Barry White. (Considering how bad even my best attempt at singing is, I'd like to thank my fellow film-goers for not punching me around 6am...) Black Gestapo also led to what I consider was one of my better riffs of the night... One that non-New Zealanders may find hard to get. (But for Kiwis out there who see this film... try telling me that old guy waiting for his turn with the "White Whore" wasn't Sir Howard Morrison!)

More Comedy Gold(TM) was scattered throughout the film. The fact that Greg picked the Head Evil Guy, because he was first seen wearing a cravat. (I just figured he was going to join Scooby and Shaggy in the Mystery Machine.) The car that gets driven off the road into a gulch, which proceeds to roll over no less than fifteen times on the way down. ("They've knocked him into the Grand Canyon!") The sex scene that came to an end after two minutes of snuggling. ("So, are they actually going to HAVE sex next time?"... although the Worlds Goofiest Post-Coitial Expression indicates SOMETHING happened.) The line "You're so dumb... almost as dumb as me...". ("Yeah, but they're not as dumb as Bryan!") The Worlds Least-Observant Sentry... who failed to realise his fellow sentry shrunk a foot and grew a moustache between passes. The "Storming the base" sequence, that was SO stolen for Arnies' Commando. The "Tardis Bag", able to hold ten time its volume in explosive devices. The explosives themselves, constructed of welded together metal tubes. ("He's going to play the pan-pipes! Run!") The fact that the Black Gestapo seemed to be hiring Australian Aboriginies.The random women hanging around the Black Gestapos' pool, 24/7. (Part of the "Hire-a'White-Chick" temping agency?) The entire squad of militants who fell for plan that involved sending them on a sponteous cross-country run to nowhere. ("Sarge, we're in Utah! Can we stop running now?") The fact that the Afro-Commandant chose the LEAST attractive white woman to boink with. ("Cover up!" he snarls at her when his lieutenant knocks on the door. "Yeah, cover her FACE!", I replied. Not to be mean, but she really was over-endowed in the face department.) The gut-shot Heroic Brother who's so tough he's up and seeking revenge a few days later. (Must have been a minor gunshot wound that missed every vital organ, huh?)

The ending of the film left me vaugely unsatisfied, however. Sure, there was a knock-down, drag-out fist-fight, an accidental throat-slashing, an underwater fight-scene and a rifle that could fire after being submerged for ten minutes... but something was overlooked. Namely, why the hell did Wig-Wearing Whitey get away scot-free? Did he reform from his evil way? Or become even more evil and trade in that stupid, ribbon-wearing dog of his for a fluffy white cat? I guess we'll never know.

As the funk soundtrack faded out, we headed into the "Cinema Classix" section of the night. A little gem from 1937 called...

Sex Madness!

Now THAT'S one hell of a title! (Especially for '37... there would have been lines around the block, I'm guessing.) It began with a scrolling introduction.. resulting in an eerie murmer as most of the crowd read along. This did give us a few clues as to what the film was about.

Syphaillis. Oh, Good Lord.

What followed was one of the most twisted, plot-mangled and above all CHEAP exploitation/education/flat out titilation films of all times. It set out to warn us of how loose morals could lead to misery, madness and the downfall of decent society. And if they had the show us examples of said loose morals to get the point across, then gosh darn it, they darn well would! I'd like to say they wove two plots together to give multiple points of view on the subject, but if I did, I'd either be insane, or talking about a completely different movie. What was presented on-screen was more like the cinematic equivalent of a head-on collision between two trucks carrying kit-set adult novelties. No-one knows exactly what bit goes where, but you're going to have a lot of fun trying to finding out. Here's my impressions of what we witnessed.

Things I'll Remember From This Film.

One of our two male leads being the dead spit of the guy from Eraserhead

The unexpected lesbian overtones of the "Secretaries in the Office" scene. (Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka.)

The non-stripping strippers at the burlesque show.

The props for the big production number at the burlesque show. Were they trying to land aircraft, or playing a really complicated game of table tennis?

Third Girl From The Left in the chorus line... I think she was inventing an entirely new form of timing and hadn't let the others in on it yet.

Our second male lead. He looks familiar too. Hmm, pale face, slicked-back hair, too much lip gloss for a man... Holy crap, it's Dad from The Fuccon Family!

The creepy guy in the totally unrelated plot-let with the showgirl. After the bizarre newspaper headline reading "Sex Criminal Caught After Baby Murder"(!), he vanishes from the plot. Yes, go! And take your bulgy eyeballs with you!

The window suddenly slamming down in mid-scene, but the actressess still gamely finishing their dialogue. Retakes bad! (Personally, I think even GOD was being a critic in that scene.

The Sleazy Casting-Couch Talent Scout who semed to get turned on at the sight of one of our heroines knees.

The Flamenco Inferno scene... I thought they were still MAKING Stock Footage in '37, but this film proves it was in use already.

The Spanish Waiter... who HAD to be a relative of John Cleese. ("Llamas!") How many future productions were inspired by this film? Lots, by the look of it.

The delightful and inspiring "Let's have a look at some lesions" sequence. This would be the "Educational" part of the film, then?

The doctors brilliant explanation for the mis-matched stock footage. "I'll be along as soon as I've changed my clothes..." Yes, and your hairstyle, your glasses and your nose, apparently.

The character of the Social Reformist. Sexually repressed, irritatingly smug and slightly doddery. I think it's David Lane from the Community Standards Society...

The "medical equipment" in the background of the Quack's office. Is he making moonshine back there?

The "Sinful frolicing at the party" scene. I've seen livelier wakes. (Then again, it's about as rowdy as one of MY parties, so I shouldn't mock.)

The parade of couple heading upstairs... I think there was just one huge bed, filled with writhing bodies up there. But I guess they couldn't get away with showing that, what with that darn Hayes Code and all.

The stock footage that seemed to come from the turn of the century.

The parents, syphallitic or not, who hadn't got around to naming their baby. (Unless the kidgrew up to be the female lead in Dirty Dancing.]

The extra at the factory who kept looking at the camera for no apparent reason. ("Are we still filming? Oh, sorry...")

The "confessing" scene as the Reformers son spills the beans about his social disease. Dad: "But how did this happen?" Gee, maybe the Syphillis Fairy did it, Dad! (Hmm... A heavy-handed moral campaigner who's completely ignorant of what he's fighting against. It IS David Lane!)

Reformer Dads' icky shoulder-massage technique.

The Reformers son talking about his indiscrections to a Stock Footage audience. Bonus points for cutting in the flashback footage, thus making it look like his friends are laughing at their Pox-ridden friend...

The strange homage to "Romeo and Juliet" as our Dippy Heroine decides to posion her Earserhead-ed Husband. (Good call, let's posion only ONE of two identical glasses... bottoms up and best of luck, lady.)

The "uplifting" ending... I guess she'll never be cold and hungry and contagious again.

The main gag of this film simply came from the intrinsically amusing word "Syphillis". Example: Heroine writes a letter... Dear Mom and Dad, how are you? I am fine... Audience member: "PS: I have syphillis.". There was plenty of opprortunities for me to sing "Let's get it on...", of course. Especially in the 30's equivalent of a drug-addled orgy. (Read, the sedate party scene.) I did hear someone later call this film "Worse than Street Wars!", but I think that's a bit harsh. After all, any film worse than Street Wars would have been destroyed by Amnesty International long ago.

Intermission Two (5:30am)

I took a longer walk this time, as the Buttock-Chafe of Death was definately making its' annual appearance. I was headed for a quick game of [I]War of the Monsters[/I] in the lobby, but got beaten to the controllers. Looked like a good game, though. Back inside, more "V" was distrubuted. I chugged a can, then found a second lying un-opened under my seat. Taking it as a gift from the B-movie Gods, I stowed it in my bag for later. More competitions were to follow, with the film critic from [I]Good Morning[/I]being the MC The first was the "Mystery Can of V" contest...Find a marked can and win a prize package. The sound of clinking aluminium filled the theatre as we searched. Then I remembered the can in my bag, and... BINGO! Just as I found it, a guy from the other side also had found one, it seemed. Cue a desperate foot-race to the stage. He beat me, and I, being slightly punch-drunk from Sex Madness, practically crash-tackled him. Sorry about that, man. Also, sorry to the Civics' clening staff... he'd already opened his can.

Which turned out to be un-marked. I'm now the proud owner of a "V" Casio G-shock watch, "V" t-shirt, pen and key-ring. The can turned out to have belonged to the couple behind me, but had rolled under the seat. I gave them the "V" beanie I also won as a consolation prize. (I would never have worn it, anyway.) There were a few more contests to follow, including the "Imitate David Lane" contest, and the "Imitate the Blond Girl from Evils in the Night" contest. The winner of that one imitated the "Blond has an orgasm" scene, which I must have missed. Or it's in the Directors Cut. In any rate, well done, sir. Enjoy your prize. One-and-a-half films to go...

Supernova

Sci-Fi time. Recent sci-fi at that. It was made in the year 2000, starring James Spader and Lou Diamond Phillips. This was definately the Miracle Mile of this years marathon, with nary a riff to be heard. (And like that film, one I'd seen tiny snippets on while surfing Sky Movies.) Actually, for a while a car alarm wouldn't have been heard if it had gone off in the seat behind me... loud, LOUD film! Put it on your home theatre and play the "Dimension Jump" scene sometime... your neighbours will think World War III just started in your living room. As with Miracle Mile, I'm not going to describe the plot, lest I give anything away. (Despite the slightly familiar plot elements and the abject trashing the IMDB herd is giving it (4.2 out of 10? Although by the sound of it, it's been hacked to pieces in post-production. Did we get the restored version, Ant? If so, kudos and big props, whatever they are...) I really enjoyed this one. Although that may be because I'd just seen Sex Madness, but still...) Whoa, brackets in brackets... I'm getting carried away here.

The only query I really had about the film was... What WAS the Zero-G Chamber supposed to be used for? I'm sure it had been installed for some valid reason. (Apart from Zero-G Rumpy-pumpy, that is?)

But all in all, not the Aliens/Event Horizon rip-off I was expecting...

And finally...

Half a Horror Film Compilation Movie

Well, I actually did a little research the next day... Hmm, a film of horror clips with Donald Pleasance and Nancy Allen providing links? Come on down, Terror in the Aisles! The frenetic pace of the clips made it hard to pick all the films involved, but there was plenty from The Exorcist, Rosemarys' Baby, Carrie, The Invasion of the Body Snatchers and tons more. The biggest audience reaction went to Jack Nicholson, rising up into the screen like a crazy-eyed mako shark in The Shining. Second-best reation to the woman who fought off a rapist with the pointy-end of an iron. (In Ms. 45, apparently... AKA Rape Squad.) Also, it was great to hear the reactions frm those people who'd obviously never seen The Thing... the combination of horror and gross-out ickyness produces some interesting sounds from a human being at times.

And all too soon, it was over. The marathon had run an even eight hours this year, confusing many who took the "12-hour" mis-print in the festival guide book as legit. I'll admit, I was hoping for ten... and a re-run of the Fuccon Family's disturbing antics. (In fact, there were no shorts at all this time out. Oh well, maybe next time.) Post-fest, I grabbed a typically nourishing McD's breakfast. (My first attempt since the infamous "I think this McMuffin is made of McRubber" incident of '99. This one wasn't much better...) and headed for home. Two days later, my butt still hasn't forgiven me, my back is joining in in support after hours of review-typing and I have 35 bucks to see out the week. Too bad, body and wallet... We're doing it again next year!

Final Note: I found David Lanes "Christian Apolgetics" website today... and discovered he's trumpteing a "triumph for freedom of expression". why? Because they managed to overturn a ban a video that could be accurately titled "You're gay, and so AIDS is all your fault!". If I ever meet this waste of plasma, I'll go completely Bryan on his homophobic, movie-hating ass.

Final Final Note: A few days after the Marathon, a stray cat appeared on our doorstep. He was loud, demanding, a total wuss, and rather skinny and shaggy. A visit to the vets told us he'd been hit by a car, plus had a hyperactive tyhroid. Needless to say, he came within a whisker (pun intended) of being named "Bryan"...