REVIEW: Raptor

Life is full of regrets. My biggest regret recently is that of all the films shown on my 30th birthday, we never got around to this one. I ended up watching it alone a few days later... which took nearly two and a half hours to do so. Not because it's a long film, simply because of all the "What the HELL?" rewinds I had to do. (Along with several pauses to recover from the fits of helpless laughter the flick produced.)

And so, without further ado, I present...

RAPTOR (2002)

Previe...NOPE!: Wow, fast start! Straight from New Concordes logo to the action! And right off the bat we spot some...

Insta-victims!: Look, college students drink-driving in the desert! Wonder how long THEY'LL last? They screech to a halt next to a cliff, (Remember that for later...) giggling like schoolgirls. One pops out to return beer to nature, the other two rack up the sins in the front seat.

Snog of DEATH!: Mmmm.. saliva exchange! However, the young man currently draining the dragon is being spied upon!

Green Jell-o ATTACK! By something wearing lime-green sunglasses, apparently. The Green Filter of Death charges our luckless extra, revealling itself to be... you guessed it... a RAPTOR!

Killer Chicken?: A REAL little one, too. (Although Spielberg reportedly made his raptors bigger and scarier than they really were. This raptor is probably the most accurate thing in the entire film.) Within seconds the pint-sized critters has manged to teleport inside the car, and is quickly playing with Horny Guys entrails. (In a surpisingly gory, though non-frightening scene.) The raptor has a half-hearted attempt at a dramatic pose (And BOY, did that sun go down quick, or what?) and we cut to the credits. I'm not skimming through, it really was THAT fast. Two minutes at the most for the whole sequence. Oh, well... look at those credits! Eric Roberts! Corbin Bersen! And...

Music by James Horner?: I assuming the word "by" should have actually read "stolen from" or "written for another film by".

Sherrif Eric Roberts!: We cut to local sherrif Jim Tanner, tooling along in his parol car. He's on the phone with the power company while heading to the scene of the triple 'hummer-cide". That's exactly how he pronounces it. Maybe he thinks they were run over by one? Arriving at the scene, we discover the raptor has cunningly driven the car into the middle of some open desert. (Nice continuity, guys!) Tanner meets his Token Black Cop buddy and begins his "investigation"...

CSI weeps!: ...By running his hands all over the car. Nice evidence-mangling, sherrif! Also arrving about now is Barbara, Tanner former Life Partner, who's also a cop. (Or a State Trooper, or Marshall, or possibly works in Animal Control. I don't know insignias...) She peers in at...

The Restless Dead!: Note to the extras... how hard is it to play "Dead"? Might I suggest NOT MOVING next time? (Or was this a "post-attack" shot they spliced in?) Barbaras' investigative technique is even better than Tanners. (It involves swooshing the dirt about with a paintbrush.(??) Uh, Barb, that MIGHT destroy any footprints. Oops, too late!) They toss in a "homage" (Read: Blatant Steal) from Jaws as Barbara blurts "This was no grizzly!"... She's now dictating notes onto her cell phone, although it MIGHT be a tape deck. If you look at it in the right way.

Godzilla?: Suddenly, there's a roar off in the distance. Sounded like the Big G with a sore throat. But WHAT MADE THE SOUND? Oh, hang on.. the raptor, right? The one in the title? Yeah, that's probably it...

Jurassic Dork: From here we cut to Corbin Bernsen, playing the EVIL Science guy. He's in his "control room", which looks like it's been decorated with industrial-sized fuse boxes. We join a finger-pointing session as the Angry Scientist tries discern who let his dinosaur loose. I tried to keep up with the complex plot here, but Corbins hat kept distracting me. (He's wearing a beret backwards. According to Ken Begg, he's dressed EXACTLY like Ed Harris in The Truman Show. I never got around to watching that, so I never made the connection.) Anyway, Doctor Evil-ish orders his subordinates to ship out the remaining dino-eggs in a commercial truck. (Keep THAT in mind for later, too...)

More fun that a truckload of chickens!: And so they do. There's some laughs to be had from the "Purex Poultry" trucks logo... a cleaver-wielding rooster. (The plants sign also features dancing eggs with legs.) As the truck (sporting a mysterious bloodstain on its' rear bumper) pulls out, we see the chicken company is a division of... "Eunice Corp". ("EUNICE"? Your evil corporation is named after a nearly obsolete English girls name? We're lucky it wasn't called "Doris Corp."...)

Chicken Explody!: As we wind on down the road, one of the chicken seems to spontaneously pop like a balloon. Bum bum BUM! (Hen Grenade, was that you making a cameo?) The Stubbly Truckie hears this act of Poultry-Related Explosive Decompression and pulls over. I don't think I need to tell you how smart THAT idea is. (But I will anyway.)

Jurassic Nutting!: He checks out the chicks, as inside "something" slowly approaches the rear of the truck. (Something viewing the scene through the requisite Lime-Green Filter.) It then obviously retreats to the back, beacuse when Stubbly Trucker opens the gate we get a Raptor Death Rush! (With the dinos' head down in the approved "Liverpool Kiss" position.) As it does, chicken feather fly up... along with something else.

Hand in shot!: I wonder if the grips hand will get an acting credit fot THAT shot? Well, re-takes are expensive, let's move on... (Although, before we do, can I just ask WHY we saw the raptors escape scene? After all, it had already escaped, as evidenced by the three dead teens, right? Did it forget something and return home? Or is there now TWO dinosaurs out there? Or... am I thinking too hard about this stupid movie?)

Eric to the rescue! Breakout!: The truck is soon discovered by a deputy. He summons Tanner, who's just getting some bad news from the Token Black Cop. Apparently, Carl Joesph, a criminal arrested by Tanner, has escaped and is headed to town for revenge. Oh, the suspense!

Deputy Dessert/Growth Spurt?: Meanwhile, the deputy (Watched by the Green Filter of Death!) manages to uncovincingly spill his coffee on the front seat of his cruiser. He leans in the window to clean up, suffering the little-know Raptor Ass-Attack of Doom! The raptor, which has suddenly expanded to Spielberg-esque proportions, disembowls an innocent ventriloquists dummy. Y'know, after three college kids, a trucker and a butt-load of chickens, isn't this thing full yet? It's packing away the calories like the back row of the All Blacks at a Pizza Hut buffet!

Horny Schmucks vs. the Plastic Muppet of DOOM!: For an encore, we head over to the most laugh-out-loud-inducing sequence of the flick. A young couple are doing a little Backwoods Bonking in a pick-up truck. After a quick Boobie flash (Ahh, she choose the "Basketball" implants, I see...), the couple hear a strange noise. (And we get a shot of the raptor "running". (And that's a VERY loose description of the raptors locomotive skills.) The couple instantly teleport inside the cab of the truck, but Horndog Hank suddenly realises he's left his wallet out there. He pops out to get it... and then it happens. A thirty-second sequence so hilariously-badly executed, I watched it THREE TIMES to make sure I got all the details. Here's a summary of the action;

CHARRGGGGEEE!: Plastic dinosaur wobbles toward the camera.

SPLAT!: And apparently throws red paint on the guy. He smooshes himself on the side window.

Jurassic Hood Ornament?: Implant Girl freaks and screeches off. A Dino claw smashes through the windscreen, meaning the raptor is standing on the hood of the truck.

Railway tracks?: The truck rumbles along a set of railway tracks that seem to have spontaneously generated under its wheels.

Plastic Claw Attack! The raptor gives Implant Girl a playful noogie... having not only teleported to the BACK of the truck, but switched sides it's attacking as well.

Rolling down a bank?: Implant Girl abandons the truck, which was quite cleary on a railway bridge one second ealier, and rolls down a grassy bank.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!: Truck drives off bridge, explodes three times in two seconds. I guess they're the local nitro-glycerin smugglers.

Nipple continuity!: The only upside to this Ode to Cinematic Crapulence is the fact that Implant Girl is still clearly bra-less afterwards. It's about the ONLY continuity of the film, so it's worth noting. This sequence is where the real theme of the piece emerges. (ie. "Hey, if we use all this stock footage from Carnasaur and Humanoids From The Deep we can save a butt-load of money! Who's going to notice if the truck isn't the same one?". Well, everyone, really...)

More evidence brushing/Horny Chick=Sherrifs daughter: Barbara REALLY loves using that paintbrush, huh? We transition to the hospital, although my notes are unreadable as to how. (Constant laughter does that to my handwriting.) There we discover that Implant Girl is Tanners daughter. Is he aware his daughters hobbies include fornicating in the woods? And did he pay for her silicone? We're told she was found "By the side of the road", meaning the raptor was playing "Move the evidence" again. (She was in the woods when we last left her.) She's also suffering trauma-related catatonia. In other matters, Horny Guys severed hand has been discovered. (Leftovers? Can someone get this dinosaur a doggie bag?)

Species confusion?: Back to Corbin we go, now positively identified as "Dr Hyde". That's original. He's still concerned about his... T-Rex? The HELL? Dude, check the title, yeah? T-Rex is the movie they'll make by canablising THIS film for spare scenes.

Jurassic Blue Sea: We now learn Dr Hyde is engineering the dinosaurs brains to make them intelligent. (For use as "shock troops" and "land clearing"(?) among other unlikely uses.) Meanwhile, Lyle, a Sweaty Henchman, has decided enough is enough! People are dead and he's quitting! Right now!

Stupidist Henchman EVER!: But first he agrees to walk down the "Laser corridor" which keeps the T-Rex captured. (And yes, it certainly does look like a T-Rex. Well, a T-Rex puppet, anyway.) Okay, Lyle a scientist of sorts... surely that means he's somewhat intelligent, huh? So why did he fall for a line that's the basic equivalent of "Sure Lyle, you can quit the evil Corporation. But first, how 'bout you help me practise my William Tell act? Here, balance this apple on your head!". *Loads sub-machine gun*)

Big Pipe Corridor/Dance party of DEATH!: Intersting... who knew a "Laser corridor' had huge heating pipes down either side? And that T-Rexes could be contained with the type of laser lights found at the better class of strip club?

Jurassic Xandu?: Lyle walks the corridor, while the T-Rex growls a bit, surrounded by laser lights and steam. Then Lyle freaks and runs, cuts his hand off on the laser grid and gets eaten. Darwinism in action! (And once more, the dinosaur footage seems to belong in an entirely different film.)

No sound-proofing at Eunice?: Back to our Heroic Sherrif, who arrives at Eunice for a snoop about. Dr Hyde manages to avoid any sticky questions with a cunning "Tell him I'm not here." strategy. But, as Tanner is about to leave, he hears... a Raptor Roar! (Seeing as the complex is later shown to extend deep underground, the possibility of hearing the roar from outside the front gate(!!) seems somewhat minor to me...) I did take a second here to note Corbin Bernsens' frown lines... he's getting kinda crinkled these days.

Blink-n-scream: Back to the hospital, where Barbara has had a Lightbulb Moment. Remember an earlier line about Implant.. Sorry, Tanners daughter... needing "Outside Stimulus" to snap out of her coma, she produces her tape-deck. One playback of the Raptor Roar later, Tanners Kid is awake and screaming. (I'd go back and find out her name, but since this is her last appearance in the film, there's not much point.) Anyhoo, she Babbles about the "big lizard", making me note two things. 1) A quick Aliens steal. ("You're going to kill it, right?' "That's the plan...") And 2) The daughters mis-placed accent. (Did Tanner adopt her from Noo Joisey?) Later, Tanner drops off Barbara at home, while making us suffer through some...

REALLY unconvincing romance!: Boy, she's just throwing her lips at Tanner, huh? Too bad they have the sexual chemistry of two rocks. Boring rocks, at that. On different mountains. In different hemispheres. Barbara invites Tanner in, but he (thankfully) decides lizard-hunting comes first. (Blowing her off with "You sure got soft lips"... HUH?)

TEASE! Spring-loaded pooch!: Inside, Barbara prepares for a shower... then hears a noise JUST as she reaches for her bra clasp. So close and yet SO far! She proceeds to do an underwear-clad search of the house, before the obligatory False Scare. (She's jumped on by a golden retriever.) Um, don't most people KNOW they have a dog in the house? And wouldn't a golden retriever (The terminal thickie of the canine world) have done the "Leap-and-Slobber" routine the instant its' mistress entered the house? Stupid movie.

Carl Joeseph, VANDALISER!: Meanwhile, Token Black Cop has gotten word that someone's in town, breaking windows. (The owner of the liquor store made the call... loot me some Jack daniels, Carl!) Assuming it's Mr Joesph, he grabs a shotgun and heads out to effect the arrest.

Police proceedure=shouting.: It's time for Token Black Cop to show us his Oscar(tm) clip scene! He walks around town, (Or, a cheap set-bound fascimilie of a street corner, at least.) waving his shotgun and shouting to Joesph to come on out. Here he finds the pet store window has been busted in. (Which follows, given the raptors Never-Fillable Belly. But why did he break into the liquor store, then? Was he after something to wash down his repast? And should you serve white wine or red with kittens? Maybe a rose', but only with Persians, I think.) Token Black Cop suddenly spots the raptor, standing three feet from him. (Cramped set, you see...) He raises his shotgun and...

38 minutes... Movie's over?: Shoots it in the chest. Well, that was easy. He then walks up to the creature and stands directly over it. Why, you say?

India-rubber dino!: Oh, that's why. So it'll match the footage of the dinosaur impaling some other guy from behind with its claw. (Which would have involved the creature twisting itself into complicated Yoga positions to acheive.) Exunt the Token Black Cop. The dino not only makes a clean getaway afterwards, but is NEVER seen again. Of course, by the end of the film, this minor loose end is buried beneath an avalanche of implausable plot twists, so let's just forget about it, huh? Token Black Cop does make an appearance (kind of) in the next scene, though. Tanner and Barbara find out about his gory death and head to the morgue to I.D him. And proceed to do a...

Spontaneous Autopsy?: In the wierdest moment of the film (So far, that is...) Tanner talks to the morgue attendant, while Barbara pulls on some rubber gloves and fishes around in TBC's chest cavativy. Shouldn't the County Coroner be doing that? Maybe she IS the County Coroner? (Like I said, I don't know isignia... I doubt it, though. For a start, she's in her street clothes, not even bothering to put on a lab coat. Or even take her handbag off her shoulder. It's gone after she finishes, though... I hope she didn't leave in in Token Black Cops torso.) She finds a huge tooth inside the dearly departed, as I noted another(!) steal from Jaws... The "We're gonna need bigger guns..." line.

Dr "No Name" Hyde, Carl "Not Appearing in this Movie" Joesph. The next day, (Possibly, but who can tell?) Tanner uses the power of Stock Footage to call the Pentagon. (EH??) He's investigating Dr Hyde... He's informed they have nothing on him, although the Suit-Wearing Agent he's talking to has Dr Hydes dossier in his lap. (Top Secret Evil Government Conspiricy Alert! In fact, it's so top secret that the file is simply labled "Dr, Hyde". I'm not even sure what the comma is doing there. Maybe it's a puncuation double agent?) The CIA agent (Or is it FBI? I don't know agents...) also tells Tanner that Carl Joesph was arrested in Iowa. (Or possibly Idaho... geez, if you want exacting detail, talk to Ken Begg. Look, I'll go back and check, okay? Talk amongst yourselves.)



(Right, Boise, Idaho. Happy?)

Hang on... How does the Pentagon know where Carl Joesph was arrested? Does the CIA keep track of EVERYTHING that happens in the USA? ("Mr President, here's the report on that bar-fight in Flatulence, North Dakota you wanted...") After Tanner hangs up, the agent calls "Project Blue Book" (Which was a UFO Investigation, if I rememeber correctly.) He asks the secretary to get him "Extension 7B". Wow, you'd think a place the size of the Pentagon would have maybe three or even FOUR digit extension numbers. (Sarcasm Mode OFF) Unless it's an outside organisation... He didn't have to dial "9" for an outside line, though? (In fact he dialed "1223"-something. Interesting number...)

Random button-mashing.: About now, I got the feeling that Eric Roberts heart just wasn't in this project. Note how he picks up the phone and (Off-screen, though obviously) dials by pressing the same button repeatedly. Without looking at the phone. Dude, you're not even trying, are you? (Or are you calling 555-5555?)
He somehow manages to get the power company... Even more miraculously, he gets the EXACT same woman from the opening scenes. (Small world, aint it?) He asks her to shut off the power to Eunice Corp if he doesn't call back by 3PM. She agrees, but only if he asks in writing. So THAT'S the secret to dealing with those guys!

Jurassic Storm: Hey, even the movie's joining in my running gag of "Jurassic *insert word here*". At the Pentagon, a General (Colonel? Rear-Admiral? Did I mention I don't know insignias?) yaks to Agent Guy about Dr Hyde. (Who was in charge of the aforementioned "Jurassic Storm" project.) The Military Man wonders if he could have re-started the project privately. I'm guessing "Yes" from the subtle clues we've seen so far. The Major/Colonel calls Dr. Hyde, who further complicates the rank issue for me by calling him both. (I'm assuming they mean he WAS a general, but was demoted after the "Jurassic Storm" dinos ate a few people. Dr Hyde denies everything, of course. Good enough for me, he's got an honest beret.

Coffee, tea of Overacting?: Tanner and Barbara (Still out of uniform) head to Eunice with a search warrant. Dr Hyde meets them, and we get some "getting to know you" banter. Which informs us that "According to the Internet", Dr Hyde is the "Worlds Top Animal Behaviourist". Well, if it's on the Inernet, it MUST be true! And you notice it's never the "Worlds' Sixteenth Top *Insert Job Description Here* that suddenly says "I know! Lets create Radioactive Killer Hedgehogs/Exploding Dingos/Super-Intelligent Walruses!"... Anyway, Dr Hyde offers refreshments, but Tanner's all business.

Extra Extras?: So it's off to the basement we go. By now I noticed that, while this film skimped on a lot of things, (Say, special effects, a decent script, a script supervisor etc.) it sure had a butt-load of extras! Two guys in the lift, two nameless security guards, pointless cops, you name it, they're there. The lift takes our hereos six floors underground. And yet they still hear the Raptor Roar, just so Corbin can offer a dry quip. Before getting all melodramatic about his research. Mmmm, scenery! It's what's for dinner! (Heck, Corbins been chewing it all day!)

Throw 'em in the brig!: Barbara quickly blurts out an accusation to Dr Hyde about his killer dinosaurs. Just is quickly, she and Tanner are captured by the crack security team... well, security trio. They're frogmarched to a room prominently labled "Hazardous Waste Area". (Interesting design... Star Trek-like sliding door on one side of the room, chain-link fence across an empty corridor on the other.) Tanner has his back-up plan, though. Waiting. Good thinking, Tanner.

Weenie-Marines GO! Weenie-SEALs GO! Deploy the Stock Footage!: Back at the pentagon, General Colonel discusses Dr Hyde with General General. (He's the ACTUAL General... you can tell by his high-ranking hair.) They've discovered Hyde's getting funding from Pakistan. (Huh? Are they planning on attacking India with Raptors?) The General orders a black op to take out Hyde. And we cut to another stunning sequence of re-hashed footage and hilarious moments. Here's how it goes down...

Carpark landing pad?: Damn those military cutbacks! Launching a chopper assault from the Pentagons' carpark is SO demeaning!

White Ford Bronco? O.J's in the carpark! Fire at will!

Free spirit in the ranks?: The first chopper loads up with Marines dressed in camo gear. (The type usually used for snowy conditions, strangely.) Except on guy, who's in black, with a beret. (An Army Ranger? A Navy SEAL? I don't know insignias...)

Power Station?: The second chopper is loaded with black-suited beret wearers. (I'll say they're SEALs until I know otherwise. It's shorter to type than "Army Rangers".) They ALSO enter their transport in the carpark, then take off from an abandoned powerstation. (And quickly fly over what appears to be a Vietnamese river. Go fig.)

Vague briefings: The commanders of both squads inform their men that it's a search/destroy mission. But NEITHER will tell the soldiers what they're fighting. (Is that SOP for the U.S military? "You'll know who's the enemy when I point at them and say "Shoot the guy with the towel on his head!", soldier!")

RT/No RT!: The Marine Captain (Lieutenant? I don't know... oh, never mind.) also has a wierd habit of first talking to the pilot via his radio, despite their close proximity. Then just turning to talk to her in the next scene. And does she resemble the dropship pilot in Aliens, or what?

Invade Venice Beach!: The choppers approach the complex. Supposedly. In fact, one flies up a river to a factory, while the other is over a palm-tree rimmed bay.(!!!!)

Empty(?) Field: The SEALs chopper lands in a large, patently empty field. In the close-up as they exit, they're back in the carpark again. *sigh*

The upshot is that the military types (Somehow) invade the same base, spotted by the Eunice head of Security. Military intelligence is NOT an oxymoron!

One-click utilities/We got WASTE SIGN!: Meanwhile, Tanner's still waiting. At the power company, Power Lady realises it's 3:15.So, she ONLY NOW goes to ask her supervisor to shut down the grid. (Thus providing yet another extra with one scene and one line.) Meanwhile, the SEALs enter the building... and look! There's that prominent yellow "Hazaradous Waste Area" sign again. On an otherwise blank wall next to the stairwell. Nice set design, hope it wins an award. The Power Guy now shuts down the grid, via an intuitive point-and-click interface. (Want a job in the power company? Train by playing "Myst"!) Somehow this opens the sliding door to the "Hazardous Waste Area", rather than say, sealing Tanners worthless ass in there for good. Damn.

Supersonic Park: In the control room, Lyles' replacement "Karyn" and Hyde panic as the power goes down. (Evil Scientists NEVER remember the emergency back-up containment systems.) Sure enough, within 5 seconds, (Literally) three dinosaurs are loose. They're so quick, there's already parts of a fourth dinosaur scattered around them. Guess they got peckish real quick.

Dispatch Privates Appetizer and Dessert!: Because we need some victims to get eaten, both commanders send soldiers off by themselves. (Well, the Marine Captain sends a pair... Private Token Black Soldier and Private Lost SEAL. Meanwhile, the dinos are so hungry one eats a gas main, causing a minor explosion. And remember those eggs Hyde order removed? Well, the SEAL commander just found them. (Incidently, I dubbed him "Sgt. Pottymouth" after his habit of swearing copiusly at the Tough-But-Sensitive Female SEAL.)

Don't play with your food!: You know the cliche "The brother always gets it first in these movies?" It's true here. "Benny", the only black SEAL is the first to go, getting attacked in a corridor. After he opens fire however, the corridor warps into a small science lab... and either the dino ate Bennys jacket first, or that's a completely different Afro-American getting tossed around the place. (Man, Carnasaur looks like SUCH a better movie than this one.) The guy Benny has become eventually gets dragged into a vent and devoured.

Barneys' Last Stand!: Meanwhile, the SEALs get ambushed by an indefinable number of raptors. (Or possibly T-Rexes. Thanks to this movie, I no longer know dinosaurs, either.) The group fights back by standing in one place and firing their weapons, while we watch more edited highlights of Caransaur. Two dinosaurs go down, one escapes. Although there's no way to tell how many dinos are on the loose. (Depends on the available stock footage, I guess...)

BOOM! There it is!: Meanwhile, Tanner and Barbara are in a stairwell. And judging by the conspicuous shadow bobbing about above their heads, they've been joined by a guy holding a large microphone. Tanner pops off for reasons best know to himself, leaving Barbara alone to enjoy a...

Jurassic Rip-off: Boy, lucky that round window was there for the dino to look through! Just like that OTHER movie! And, hey! it's a T-Rex again! Only, why are we seeing this? The T-Rex is obviously nowhere near Barbara. Or even a window in the wider-angle shots.


I need a beer.


RIGHT! The gloves are coming off, movie! I feel like I've spent more time on this review than was spent on its entire script, I'm tired, and I've re-watched entire sections of the movie trying to get things straight in my head. (Which is a first. I normally review off one viewing, gleefully mangling the plot points as I go.) From now on, I'm going soley by my notes and getting this thing done!

Final Solution: After Tanner collects Barbara again, we head back to the SEALs. Their commander decides to blow the entire facility, having brought enough C-4 to do so. (Uhhh, Sarge? Your men aren't even wearing backpacks? Where did they store enough C-4 to destroy a massive undeground base, up the rear ends?)

Jurassic Flossing: Meanwhile, T and B find an elevator. A raptor proceeds to chew through the cable(!!), resulting in them dropping a few stories, then stopping. Expect THAT thrill ride when New Concorde opens a theme park. T and B escape the Slight Plummet of Doom and run away.

Bad career move!: Meanwhile, Karyn suddenly realises that the killer dinosaurs actually... y'know, KILLED people! She chews out Dr Hyde and storms out... right into the same elevator. Should you ever watch this film, take note of her outfit. Black top with one white stripe and 3/4-length pants. Once the raptor busts through the ceiling of the lifts, she's suddenly in leather pants and a top with TWO white stripes. And looks a HELL of a lot more like Sandra Bullock than before. Not-Exactly-Karyn quickly joins the Disembowelment Society

Aliens rip-off Redux!: Outside, the chopper pilots resemblance to the pilot in Aliens proves to be an example of Movie Synchronicity. As she, yes, you guessed it, takes off to begin the evac and is promptly eaten by a Jurassic Stowaway. The kicker here is the chopper crashes onto the Security Chief. Actually, due to the pathetic FX, it appears to crash NEAR the Security Chief. Close enough for a game of soldiers, though...

Explosive Play-doh?: The HELL? Where exactly did they find the football-sized lump of plastique? Nice colour, too... looks like they're using an Uncooked Bread Dough Explody to take out the dinos. (They actually set a fair number of these Squidgey Bombs ove the next few minutes, setting each timer at 16 minutes. Later, they all go off with one second of each other. Yeah... right.)

Private Token gets lost!: Meanwhile, the Misplaced Marine is eaten by a dino. (Explaining why he was with the squad... otherwise that Carnasaur footage of the Marine and SEAL fighting together couldn't be used!) Private Token makes a break for it. Damn, that boy is FAST! Ran right into another movie AND re-arranged his DNA to become another guy entirely! (How de we know he's in another movie? Because he's leaning on a wall with a LIFE PRESERVER ON IT! Do underground bases routinley sink?) The dino wins the battle though, making Private tokens blood splatter onto the wall in a manner that in no way resembles someone spraying it on waith a squeezy-bottle. Honest. Not at all.

Eric Roberts? SHOOT TO KILL!: Tanner and Barbara FINALLY meet up with the soldiers, who have somehow met up with each other. Marine Commander Guy summons another chopper... The end is in sight!

Confusing Yellow Raincoat Guys?: The Emergency Evac Chopper arrives quicky... and out leap guys in yellow raincoats.(???) How many guys? Glad you asked. Four in the first shot, ten in the next, six in the shot after that. Maybe I was just seeing double and triple after eighty minutes of this film? They run past Dr Hyde, who knocks one out and steals his raincoat. Meanwhile, a T-Rex enacts a...

Headache-inducing escape plan!: By bashing head-first into a concrete wall. Even with a brain the size of a marshmallow, that's GOT to hurt. It's not such a bad idea, though... Watching this movie made me want to do the same thing at times.

Mass spazz-out!: About now, two soldiers discover some more dino eggs. They waste ammo shooting them for a bit. The last charge is in place, so everyone in the complex dashes outside to the chopper. (Play this scene at twice the speed while humming the "Benny Hill" theme... I did!) Then I freeze-framed and counted the raincoat Guys again. Ten, not including Dr Hyde. I think I'm going to cry.

Chompy time!: The Raincoat Guys purpose for existing IS explained as Dr Hyde leaves, though. It's to match the shots of a T-Rex attacking a guy in a yellow raincoat. Tanner finally decides to do something worthwhile as Dr Hydes' arms spontaneously detach themselves from his body. (I'm not kidding!)

Tonka toy ATTACK! Harryhausen-on-no-budget: Tanner leaps in to a nearby forklift to battle the Worlds Worst Stop-Motion Dinosaur. After a titanic battle.. well, a battle... well, after five minutes of Eric Roberts simulating the battle by shaking around in a fork-lift seat like a junkie going Cold Turkey, intercut with the Crappy Dino-Puppet going "Arrgh" and biting a model....

Where was I?

Movie go BOOM! The End: Oh, anyway, Tanner shoves the T-Rex back into the building just as the C-4 goes off. (Resulting in about fiftenn mammoth explosions. That's some POWERFUL bread dough!) And thank the stars, it's over!

Skeeters' Summary: What can I say? Take the effects sequences from a better film, write a loose approximation of a plot to fill in the gaps, shot it on a shoestring and what do you get? The best Unitentional Comedy I've ever seen. More laughs than two Sandler films and all of Tom Greens' combined. Should you watch it? Yes. Should you try and review it like I did? Hell, no.