REVIEW: Night of the Demons 2

Night of the Demons... A movie I've never actually watched. Sorry, but Linnea Quigleys' "Emotional Range of a Housebrick" acting style does nothing for me. (Unlike her "other" attributes. Okay, let's be honest. I'm talking about her tits. Sue me.) But recently, I late-night channel-surfed my way to;

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2(1993)

...So let's check it out, shall we?

I stumbled onto this stunning waste of film stock around ten minutes in, but luckily was able to pick up on the "plot" pretty quickly. (I'm guessing the opening would have been a simple re-cap of the original, anyway.) As it seemed to work pretty well last time out, I'm going to use my "Verbatimly-Transcribed Notes" approach. And here we go...


10 Minutes in, Cliches already stacking up.: Yes, right off the bat, we're presented with the usual gang of Stock Characters... The Bitchy Slut, the Wussy Virgin Girl, The Oversexed Jock and the Geeky Study-Hound. Plus, since we're in a convent school (for "Problem Teens", it transpires", we get the Strict Ruler-Wielding Nun and the Priest Who's Lost His Faith. (Although here, he just comes off as overly-sarcastic about spiritual matters.)

Legends, Demonology & Perry: Perry is the aforementioned Geeky Study-Hound. He's blessed with a face so long, it appears his mother had an intimate relationship with a racehorse. He looks awfully familiar, but I didn't twig as to where I'd seen him until much later in the film. Here he debates the existance of demons with the Cyncial Priest.

"Bigger, stronger... better looking!"(??): This was Perrys assessment of why Obnoxious Jock "Kurt" and Kurts' buddy (Who's name I lazily forgot to note down) are able to order him around. I took issue with the "Better looking" line, as they were two fairly plain-looking actors. (Incidently, I'll refer to Kurts' buddy as "Ralph", due to his later Karate Kid-like antics.)

"Kingsnake" Kurt: Yes, Jock-Boy Kurt is supposedly known as "Kingsnake" to his friends. Thus allowing the oh-so-witty retort from the Slutty Badgirl "I'll call you Inchworm"... Excuse me while a barely crack a smile. (Incidently, Slutty Badgirl proves to have supciously-visible crowsfeet for a "schoolgirl"...)

Obnoxious teens grounded before school dance: Said teens are Slutty Girl and Kurt, (Crime: Canoodling on the tennis court), Ralph and the Obvious Heroine Who Looks Eerily Like Molly Ringwald ("Molly" from now on... Crime: Watching said canoodling.)

Perry decides to summon demon as an experiment: Good plan, huh? Well, if you're planning a demon-fuelled massacre, that is...

Bill and Ted's Excellent Summoning!: I'm guessing I had some exceptionally witty remark connected to this phrase, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was... I HAVE to stop writing reviews three days after watching the film...

Oversexed Chick acts like plank: And that's a KIND assessment of her screen prescence...

Necronomicon. Summoning extinguishes candles.: Perrys' Necronomicon isn't a patch on Ashs'... It's so bland it muct have been the Encylcopedia Necronomica... Although Demon Summoning does seem to be a useful way to put out those annoying "Magical Relighting Candles" people always stick on my birtdhay cake...

Mirror Demon, brief: Perrys summoned demon does a restrained burst out of a mirror, then departs. Perry is subsequently grounded by Cyincal Priest for stealing his robe. (Which ranks higher in the Cynical Preist List O' Sins thatn Gratuitous Demon-Summoning...)

Kurt fondles Plankgirl, RGBS: RGBS is of course the fabled RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! This is the first of several, naturally...

Random teens waste time discussing fashion, insult Mouse: Mouse is the Wussy Virgin Girl With A Troubled Past, in case you're curious...

Bitchy Plankgirl taking Molly Ringwald 2K, Blondie and Mouse to a party: Mouse is NOT a willing party-goer, but is too much of a wimp to back out. Ralph and Kurt are checking out the girls dorm with binoculars during this rather long and dull scene, allowing us to get a...

RANDOM GRATUITOUS BRA SCENE: Which doesn't add to the plot in any way, but does serve to pad the running time...

Intro "Rick", "C'mere, sweet-tits!" As you can tell, Plankgirls' main squeeze is QUITE the charmer... They drive to the party as we get a load of...

Perry, Amatuer Sleuth!: Admittedly, his detecive prowess is undermined somewhat as the "clue" he finds, (A map to the party location) has been left in plain sight on a bed.

Someone switches signs, sends group to Hull House: Which, I'm guessing, was probably the location for the first film. Mouse freaks when she sees the sign, anyway... But... Who switched the sign? It's a mystery!

"Someone" is a JD-Lite: No, it's not a mystery, as the perpetrator reveals himself mere seconds after the gang drive off. I refer to him as a Juvinile Deliquent Lite because he just doesn't LOOK that threatening, despite his faux-punk threads...

The Mouse that roared: Mouse freaks out even more as they arrive at Hull House. This upsets...

Macho Rick!: Who gets all Dominant Male on us...

Mouses' sis victim in first film: Oh, THERE'S an original plot twist... She decides to stay in the car while the rest head in to have pre-marital sex and get slaughtered...

Rent-a-storm: That's the kind that starts up the moment you enter a creepy house. Obvious Tell-tale signs of a Rent-a-Storm include stobe-light-type lightning, badly syncronised thunder and the fact that there was ZERO sign of a brewing storm ten seconds before it started.

Evil Dead-Cam: We get the old ankle-level shot as "something" rushes through the house, slamming doors. What a rude Evil Presence...

Predictions!: At this stage, I scrawled a list of who I thought would live out the film, and who was toast. Here's my picks;

Dead: Rick, Plankgirl, Kurt, JD-Lite, Blondie, Priest, Nun, Perry (Possibly)

Survivors: Ralph, Mouse, Molly

Final Girl: Molly or Mouse.

Molly wants to "take walk"...: Read "Shag the socks of Ralph"... I immediately downgraded Molly from "Final Girl" to possible Body Bag...

Scooby Gang split up: Everyone pairs off for some tongue-wrestling as Plankgirl invokes the forces of Darkness, foolishly painting a pentagram on a wall. She's also brought a black cat to sacrifice. Ahh, the wholesome joys of Halloween...

Mass make-out, shadow puppets, RGBS: Ooh, spooky demon-shadows on the walls! Quick, let's get Molly to flash her boobs before the audience freaks out!

Telegraphed false scare, kitty escape, Mouse menacing: Mouse is chased into the house by JD-Lite in a werewolf mask, allowing the black cat to make a hasty escape. The Evil Trio decide to sacrifice Mouse instead. As you do.

"Romantic"??, Demon Voyeurism: Molly has odd tastes, as she seems to think a mouldy, cobweb festooned four-poster bed in a cold, leaky house is a romantic spot for some illicit nookie. A Demon appears briefly to perve at them.

Unconsummated Sex=Death Excemption?: Molly and Ralph experience Screamus Interruptus, therefore possibly saving them from Death by Sin... Bonus points in their favour as Ralph is packing a condom and WAS going to use it!

Dickhead JD's fake knife: JD-Lite proves to be super-irritating, playing the role as Loony Tunes as he can. I upgrade his status to "First Person I'd Like To See Killed"... AKA The "Ned" Award... See "Friday The 13th" for the definition of a "Ned"... He "stabs" Ralph, revealling his knife to be a party trick. Man, this movie is really making us beg for something interesting to happen, huh?

Angelas back! Mouses' sister returns... in pog form! (Wait, that's ALF... Angela returns in leather-clad Demoness form...)

Tidy-Bowl Demon?: Blondie discovers a demon... in the toilet. Y'know, I could think of a million places I'd rather manifest myself than a filthy crapper if _I_ was a demon...

JD even DIES annoyingly!: (Or at least I THOUGHT he was dead...) And how does he seem to die, you ask?

Rogered to Death!: Yes, Angela slips JD-Lite some major tongue and tries to bonk the life out of him. Well, if you gotta go, that's the way to do it, huh? Everyone else bugs out, heading back to to the Convent school. There, the Nun-run dance is in full swing... at least after Perry drags off the ruler-wielding chaperone. Someone cranks some bad heavy metal and we get a display of...

Uncoordinated Frolicing!: As everyone dances like an untalented extra from a bad Elvis movie.

Where the hell did the storm go?: That was my plantative cry as I realised the "storm' had vanished completely ten seconds after leaving Hull House. I guess it's a VERY localised storm system...

Kurt & Blondie go forth and sin: Yep, those two are dead meat...

Killer Lipstick Attack!: Plankgirl has brought back a souvineer from Hull House. As she goes to use the pilfered lipstick, however, an icky-looking tendril shoots out. This leads to the even more icky...

Lipstick Rape? (With post-coitial smoking!): Yes, the tendril goes straight up Happy-Land as smoke drifts from the now-empty tube. That was a visual I'll be trying hard to forget... (Besides, it's an obvious rip-off of the "Tree Rape" scene in Evil Dead....)

RGLesbianKiss/RGHeavingBreasts: Angela appears for a quick smooch session with Plankgirl, who gets all possessed and stuff. I forget whos' breasts were heaving, although I know my stomach was from the Tendril-Rape scene...

Cannibal Corpse Music, RGBS: I'm not sure what's worse now, the inane plot or the god-awful music. The kids are still doing their uncoordinated dancing, despite the head-banging music. Guess it was dubbed in in post-production... The boobies belong to Plankgirl this time, as she flashes Rick.

Killer Breast Attack!: Okay, here's where I started to doubt my own sanity. Rick goes for a double-handful of Plankgirls dirtypillows... and they morph (badly) into hands that secrete acid onto him. Rick dies a messy death at the hands, teeth and boobs of Demonic Plankgirl. Perry and the Nun lead a quick evacuation of the room... and suddenly it hit me!

Perry was the kid in "Tremors: Making this a SEVERE comedown... from one of my favourite modern monster flicks to this piece of cinematic sewerage..

Laugh? I almost started. (Rambo): Perry and the Nun "tool up" in a ludicrous "Prepping the Holy Water-Loaded Super Soaker" scene... At this point in the flick, we suddenly started veering wildly between the typical horror cliches and jarring self-parody... Whatever the directors intent was, all it did was annoy the hell out of me, and encourage a butt-load of channel-surfing.

Fondler Demon/Head Line/RGLK: Kurt is given a "helping hand" by a Demon during some front-seat tounge-wrestling. When he discovers the third hand getting in on the action, it flips him the bird. Oh, the hilarity... Kurt is dispatched via decapitation, leading to an equally-hilarious "Want some head?" line... Blondie gets the LESBIAN KISS OF DEATH and is likewise Demonified...

BlondieDemon Attacks!: Mollys' "Final Girl" status is assured during this attack, as she becomes the first person to survive a demon attack. (With the help of Perrys' Holy Super-Soaker.)

By now, the lack of plot/scares/acting talent had driven me to distraction. And so, I'll sum up the remaining film with Andrew Borntregers's time-honored (And much copied) "Things I Learned From This Film" approach...

THINGS I LEARNED FROM "NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2"

A demons natural form resembles an easily-squishable Mutant Cockroach

Demonism is contagious, much like zombie-ism...

Priests who scoff at the existance of demons are fated to suffer an Ironic Death.

Super-Soakers can hold upwards of 4,000 gallons of Holy Water.

Nuns are trained in both Ruler-Fu and Rosary-Fu. (A scene that SO irritated me... NO-ONE steals the "I kick ass for the Lord!" bit!)

Demon Kurt has a "head" for basketball...

Demon JD-Lite dies an even more annoying death than Living JD-Lite.

The Rent-a-Storm had moved two channels over to "Warlock 3"... so, I was channel-surfing, okay?

Channel-surfing between two horror movies increases your chance of seeing a RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT by at least 75%.

Channel-surf between two horror movies and the Amanada-Donohoue-In-The-Buff "Castaway" and you feel like you're attending Boobie-Fest 2002...

Kung-fu DOES work on Demons, but has no effect on doors.

Predictability in your finale is a GOOD thing... (I called Mouses' Semi-Badass line of "My name is MELISSA!" no less than ten seconds before she delivered it. I also guessed the Amanda Demon would explode messily at the end of the flick.

Demons explode in sunlight. Messily.

Ending your film with a bad CGI effect to set up another sequel is ALSO a good thing...


Skeeters Summary: Cheap, dull and not scary. At all. I realise now I've devoted WAY too many words to a film I could have summed up by typing "CRAP!" over and over again. Besides, it looked like a British TV movie with its' washed-out, shot-on-video visuals. It's only positive note? It DID get me planning "Boobie-Fest!"... I'd LOVE to read Ken Beggs review of that festival...