B-Movie Reviews from a New Zealander with too much time on his hands. SPECIAL EVENT: The 2002 V Movie Marathon
The 2002 "V" Movie Marathon Report
Every year, the organisers of the "Incredible Film Fest" here in Auckland have a special treat for B-movie buffs. The "V Movie Marathon"... In 2002, it was ten hours of some of the most obscure and odd movies they could find. By 2004, it was a full 24-hour Cheese-fest, where the weak stayed home, and the geeks stayed awake. Geeks like me.
But let's start where I did. 2002, the Civic Theatre, Auckland. ...
Where to begin? Well, to sum up my first all-night movie marathon experience in a line, I turn to the mind of Mr Clive Barker.
"We have such sights to show you"-Pinhead, Hellraiser
And sights they were. In truth, my lead-up to the night was probably not ideal. After only getting four hours sleep the night before, (Due to a late-night coffee, I'm guessing.) I had visited relatives in Snells Beach with my fiancee and mother. Snells Beach lies 90 minutes drive from Auckland and my grandmother puts on food for seventeen people these days, so we spent most of the day either travelling, chatting, or eating. I arrived home too late for my scheduled Power Nap, as I don't sleep through an Auckland Warriors league match for anything.
This one I should have. They lost.
Finally, we picked up my best friend Richard around 11PM and headed to the city. My own preperations were in no way going to compete with the cooler of a certain Mr. Begg, but I had stocked the essentials. Pillow, two packs of assorted munchies, notebook, pen, bus timetable and of course, ticket. (More on THAT later.) Rick had been a late addition, deciding to come just a few days before the event. He packed nothing. Brave man. My long-suffering (And decidely neutral to B-Movies) girlfriend dropped us off, and we headed to a pre-arranged rendezous to pick up the four workmates that had convinced me they were coming. None were there, of course. (This is my "Non-Surprised" expression.) Figuring I'd find them at the Civic, we headed there instead. Milling around the foyer of the theatre were assorted marathoners. (Some resplendent in pajaymas and robes especially for the occasion. Lots of "Star Wars" pillow cases, too.) One brave man even left the just-ended screening of "Vampire Hunter D" and came straight back for the Marathon. I assume he survived. My workmates never showed, but I did bump into an ex-colleague, Conan, instead. As Rick went for double-strength coffees, I reached for my ticket. Guees what?
No Ticket.
The cardboard folder contained my ticket receipt, (Which helpfully looks EXACTLY like the ticket itself.) but apart from that, zippo. Unable to believe my stupidity, I talked to the usher. She quite reasonably thought the Ticketek staff would issue me another ticket after seeing my receipt.
The Ticketek staff, quite UNreasonably refused to do so. I was forced to utter a quick, though violent, profanity and fork out another 15 bucks for a replacement ticket. (The usher apologised when I told her... turns out she would have let me in if she'd known about Ticketnazis. I love lifes' little ironies... *sigh*) Still fuming, we grabbed some seats near the back and settled in. The turnout was good, five hundred plus at least, confortably accomodated in a theatre that seats 900 or more in its stalls. I just hoped I would now be getting at least thirty dollars worth of entertainment. As it turned out, it would have been worth it even if the tickets had been priced at fifty bucks! (Just don't tell the organiser that...)
IT BEGINS: At the stroke of midnight, our host arrived. (I actually have no idea who he is, but if he's the festival organiser, it's probably on the film fest website. I'm too lazy today to check.) [FUTURE SKEETER: He was of course Ant Timpson, the mad genius who runs the Marathon. You rock, dude!] He welcomed us and re-apologised for last years final film, "The Girl From Venus". (A horrible 70's British sex comedy, apparently.) His opening remarks mentioned that people had told him he'd "Sold Out"... too many new, arty films in the festival. Where was the sleaze? The corn? The bad, bad, movies? well, they were all right here, right now! They actually had hand-out sheets of the line-up, but I decided to be pleasantly(?) surprised. And so, we began with;
REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS
What a way to begin! From the gratuitous "Topless cheerleaders during the opening credits" to the finale, this one ROCKED! (Any film that ends with a girl jiggling her boobies at the camera for minutes on end deserves a B-Movie Oscar.) This movie should be of special interest to any "Opposible Thumb Films" readers... why? Because the films' male leads (The short, all-white basketball team) contains an Embarrased Actor.
DAVID HASSLEHOF!
I sh!t you not! Five minutes into the film, he emerges from a quickie tryst in the bathrooms with Head Slutty Cheerleader. This gained thunderous applause that drowned out the so-called "dialouge" for quite some time. It was to get better. (And worse. Much worse.) As well as the fact that Hoff plays "Boner", the following "highlights" were seen;
HOFF DANCES!
HOFF PLAYS B-BALL!
HOFF GOES FULL-FRONTAL IN THE SHOWER! (AHHHH! My EYES!)
I'd descibe the plot to you, but there ain't that much to describe. Rick got off what had to be the Riff of The Night as two cheerleaders ran into a bleach blond, safari suit-wearing hiker. Ricks repsonse... "STEVE IRWIN?" This led to many "She's a real little beauty, strewth, corker" type riffing... My own thoughts were simply that Hoff's CV would list 1975 as "Attended Drama School. No productions. Honest!"
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM
THE NUMBER 1 THING I'LL REMEMBER ABOUT THIS FILM: The dance scene in the diner. Hoff's solo looks like he stepped onto a medium-voltage live wire, while playing an invisible guitar. Hilarious.
THINGS I'LL TRY TO FORGET ABOUT THIS FILM
Skeeters Wrap-Up: Man, universities in the 70's were much more fun than today!. Sex in the quad, dope-smoking in the gym and pharmecuticals in your lunch. Sign me up!
Following directly on was what the organisers described as "A 60's home Movie". Brother, that only scratched the surface. Even the name was worth a huge laugh.
THE LEMONGROVE KIDS MEET THE GREEN GRASSHOPPER AND THE VAMPIRE LADY
Everyone got that? I'm kind of stuck here, as I should describe the plot.. but as Conan later remarked... "Plot? There was a plot?" Basically, a group of 20-somethings and a bunch of kids ("The Lemongrove Kids", natch...) are hired to clean up an old guys yard. The kids are led by a guy who has seen WAY too many Three Stooges movies, resulting in endless bonkings on assorted heads. Eve worse, was the character of Gofer. (Or possibly "Golpher") I eventually dubbed this constantly falling down, face-pulling, silly voice affecting retard "Jar Jar '65". Things heat up as a VERY small UFO arrives, courtesy of the jump-cut special effect. All the kids get abducted by a gloved hand, save one 3 year old moppet. This girl gets DOZENS of unneccesary close-ups throughout the film. I hope she's the directors daughter, or else it could be construed as verging on "disturbing". (I wondered aloud if this was a "Bert Potter' production... Kiwi joke, based on a local faux-Christian commune leader with some unsavory sexual habits.)
Arriving with the UFO is a guy in a tattered shirt, facepaint, lipstick, wings and pink gumboots. (Sorry, galoshes or wellington boots... that should cover the cultural bases.) Our hero decides he's a Grashopper. (No "Kung Fu" jokes resulted, but the night was young...) Also arriving is the zero-budget Vampira, who nibbles on the neck of the old guy. His limited acting talent means he reacts by saying "Ooh.". Sounded like he'd just rembered that he'd left the iron on. The remaining Lemongrovers decide to find a way into the house. They're standing right next to a door as they decide this. Naturally, they break in via a basement window instead. Inside, Grasshopper makes Old Guy vanish by waving the Cosmic Sunflower at him. Not-Vampira secures said Cosmic Device by placing it in an unlocked filing cabinet, where cutesy moppet finds it. Security proceedures the Pentagon would be proud of.
Finally, Leader guy (I'll call him "Spanky" as he looks like an overgrown Our Gang refugee) sends Gofer in to fight Not-Vampira. (Spankys' a bit of a prick, really...) Golfer gets a neck-muching, so he... BITES HER BACK! (a technique Buffy NEVER tried! ) Not-Vampira screams, Grasshopper Guy flees, the Moppet makes their hench-creatures vanish with the Mystic sunflower and all's right with the world. Well, except Golfer is a vampire, and bites Spanky. You GO, Golfer!
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM
THE KICKER: The organisers announced afterwards "You have just survived a film by Cash Flagg... AKA Ray Dennis Steckler!" Yes, this "Home Movie" was an early effort by the man who created "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living etc, etec, etc..." How they found it, I will never know! But I'm glad they did...
INTERMISSION (2am)
A chance to stretch and get some fresh air. Outside the Civic, the usual parade of Saturday night drunks were gently meandering down Queen Street, shouting, cussing and puking. And WE were the ones getting the stange looks. We hooked up with Conan and his friends. The only topic of conversation was Hoff, of course. Oddly, even the gay guys in the group had been slightly off-put by the sight of Daves' dinky. Learning that Conans' allies had 'liberated" an entire case of the sponsers product (Energy drink "V") from the comp table, Rick and I quickly switched rows and joined them. The lights dimmed and we were off again. We had ben promised the movie that gave Tarrantino his ideas, but instead... oh, Dear Lord, THE HORROR!
LEMONGROVE KIDS II: NO TITLES SHOWN, BUT I'M SURE IT WAS PRETTY LONG.
Yes, MORE Lemongrove antics. More plot this time, involving Spanky sending Gofer into another gangs' territory to by sodas. Gofer get comedically beaten up, of course. (George Takai: "Spankys' "Hero" factor is dropping fast, Captain!") This leads to a badly shot "rumble" with the rival gangs. One Afro-American gang member had one line during this... his high-pitched delivery had Rick exclaiming "It's Mike Tyson!" A confused-looking cop arrives, and the fight quickly becomes a dance. Don't ask. Anyhoo, the cop suggests a running race to determine the best gang. As we audience members digested this, the aging print suddenly crapped out. A second of silence followed, before someone in our row yelled "Well, this is the best bit of the film so far!". I had to agree. After the break, the race was run, along with some shenangins involving mobsters, a Comedic Relief Incompetant Saboteur and of course, Gofer. SPOILER: The Lemongrove Gang wins the race. Sorry to spoil that for you. The bad guys get beaten up by a ladys' handbag. (Probably R.D Stecklers' mum... she had NO acting talent, even for this home movie.) Just as we thought it was over, Spanky remarks "Where's Gofer?"
And we cut to Gofer breaking up a fight between a gorilla and a masked wrestler.(?????????????????) He runs off, and meets up with a badly-realised mummy.(Again, ????????????????) The abrubt plot developments had the audience in stiches as Gofer ran backwards and forwards, being repeatedly menaced by the same mummy, while stock footage lightning was cut in between. Sadly, the film twice died again before we could find out if there was any reason for this. (My personal take... Ray had the extra footage lying around and just spliced it in at random to extend the running time. Hell of a ending, though...)
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM
After the third and final film breakage, we suddenly cut to what would become a true crowd favourite;
THE FUCCON FAMILY!
Where to begin. Imagine a Japanese soap opera, told in 3-minute episodes... peopled entirely by clothing mannequins and sex-dolls. Dad was a life-like mannequin with WAY too rosy-red lips, Mum was a wide-mouthed sx toy and Mikey, the kid was a fairly standard clothing dummy. The storyline was BEYOND warped, though. Over the course of the night we would witness.
And much more. Fun for the whole family!
More running gags were introduced from this series. The endless repition of sentances. "Mum: Are you eating your breakfast Mikey?" Mikey: "I am eating my breakfast, although I feel very ill" Mum: "You are feeling ill, but you must still eat your breakfast." Dad: "Yes, you are feeling ill, but you must still eat your breakfast." Mikey: "Yes, I am eating my breakfast." etc, etc, etc. This led to much line-precognition, and I personally became skilled in pre-empting the subtitle "ha-ha-ha-ha" every time a charracter was about to laugh. Which was at LEAST three times an episode.
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS SERIES:
Japanese people are WEIRD, dude...
Japanese people are WEIRD, dude...
After two episodes of this hilarity, we moved on to;
BONNIES KIDS
Ahh, Drive-In fodder. I thought I had read abouth this one screening at B-fest, but a check of Jabootu prvoved me wrong. For those that haven't seen it, it's a 1962 explotation/revenge/crime flick... one that features two hitmen... one black, with big afro, one white, who kinda looks like a fat(er) Travolta. Draw your own conclusions there. This had a lot to like. Guns, bad-ass chicks, sleazy cops and the potential for some hot intergenerational lesbian lovin' was dangled before us. Being '62, the lesbianism was never shown. Conan was heard to refer to this flick as a "Cinematic C0cktease." More running gags emerged... with the one that lasted right to the end of the night resulting from the black hitmans' ("Digger", but I think we all refered to him as "Jules") instructions to thier patsy. "Pick up a parcel for Mr Brown. B, R, O, W, N". After that, most of us spelt out any name said thereafter. (Example: "Take the bus to El Paso"... Me: "That's E, L, P, A..." Cue laughter... although, it was nearly 3am, so anything was funny at that point.) Extra humour came from the unfortunately-named "Mr Seaman"... cue a veritable.. well... "flood" of "semen" jokes. ("Excuse me, is this the Semen Estate?") He even shared a scene with a character named "Woody" at one stage.
My only complaint was a complete lack of anyone to root for. The men were all slobbering, sex-depraved cretins and the women veered wildly between scheming b!tch and clueless bimbo... often in the same scene.
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM
Following the feature, we were treated to a "Coming Attraction": Roman Polanski IS "The Lodger". Huge laughs for the tagline. "He's the lodger you DON'T want in your house!" No, not if you have a young daughter, I suppose...
And onwards we went.
BOARDING HOUSE
This one opened with some VIC-20 level computer generated titles that came up o slowly Rick commented "These credits are going to run for three hours!". This was followed by computer-aided exsposition. (Large green letters that appeared with the aid of those annoying "di-di-di-di-di-dah" noises.) These were so well-received by the crowd, a huge cheer erupted each time this device was used. The final lines before the fade-out nearly got a standing ovation!
The plot: Take a pinch of haunted house movie, mix with a subplot ripped wholesale from "Carrie", stir in a Poverty Row budget and garnish with 80's fashions Don Johnson would have rejected... and serve! The REAL plot: Man buys haunted house, advertises for sexy female live-ins, gets each one to show her bazongas to the camera at least once. Yes, BREASTS! The ultimate in cheap special effects!
Admittedly, this had the crowd hooked from the "Woman sticks hand down garbage grinder" scene. I was expecting a short film, but this puppy was a full-length feature, shot on a budget of around $49.99. This budget meant every car was a Datsun, probably borrowed from a local car-yard, the "English" chicks accent drifted from North London to Southern Californian, and several actors seemed to treat the porject as a part-time affair. (Including Token Black Chick (Rick: "Mrs Brown!", Conan: "That's B, R, O, W, N.", Me: "She used to be a cheerleader...") who arrived, unpacked and VANISHED from the flick for forty-five minutes! )
THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM
INTERMISSION TWO(6AM)
Another chance to stroll, rehydrate, return coffee and V to nature and we were back. More Fuccon Family antics followed. Good, wholesome, sick, twisted fun! Two movies to go, apparently.
I take a second here to compose myself. To prepare. To ask the question, "WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?!" Yes, get ready for this years "Girl From Venus"... this years "Hieronomous Merkin"... the "Battlefield Earth" of the 2002 Movie Marathon;
STREET WARS
The first thing that appeared on screen was not actually the movie... it was the DVD Menu screen. "Good!" thought I. "At least it'll be a nice clear picture." (After thefaded-all-to-hell Bonnies Kids and the Scratch-a-thon that turned parts of the cheerleader film into a soft-core puppet show, I was ready for a crystal clear print. Shows what I know... Pitch-Black Theatre Presents...) Someone in the projection booth pressed PLAY and the torture began. (Incidently, this is a VERY inaccurate plot analysis. Check jabootu.com for the real thing. I was more concerned with "Survival" rather than "Accuracy" at this point.)
The opening titles set the scene. The words "STREET WARS" were arranged into a staggeringly-familiar pyramid arrangement. (George Lucas is warming up his lawyers as we speak.) As this was shot on a minscule budget, there's no slow crawl up the screen for THESe credits. And, instead of a thundering Star Destroyer, a microlight aircraft flies overhead. We cut to an Air Force graduation ceremony. Our hero "Sugarpop", has graduated top of his class, getting to do the tradional microlight flypast. His instructor actually calls him "Our Top Gun!" adding to the Unoriginality Factor. The fact that Sugarpop rides a Vespa scooter is also supposed to gives us Tom Cruise flashbacks, I suppose. During this scene, such interesting credits as "Costumes by Duanne" and "Written, Produced and Directed by An Untalented Hack With Some Money He Wanted To Waste." are shown. Well, I may have imagined the second one...
He returns to his "hood", which is populated by the usual assortment of Generic "homies'. (I hope I'm not losing anyone with this street patois I learned during the film...) Sugarpops' girlfriend is the local crackhouses' (Crackhomes'?) lookout. Sugarpop demonstrates his jet-powered scooter(!!) to the brothers, before we meet his ACTUAL brother, Frank. Frank is accompanied by Humungeous(!!), who's as relatively well-built as his moniker suggests, and wears Mr T's feather earring. Sugarpop also gives us the first of many, MANY montonic voice-overs at this point. We see inside the crackhouse, where a woman pleads "C'mon, Meatloaf, just give me one hit!" Hands up who ELSE started to hum "Bat Out Of Hell"?
Meanwhile, a van has been parked in the street the entire time. It's full of rival gangbangers with large guns. They're not smart enough to get out, though, allowing Sugarpop to eyeball them. So Humungeous gets out "Mr Bigmouth". Anyone who names a shotgun "Mr Bigmouth" is just about ready for the long-sleeved white jacket, IMHO. Cue the big shoot-out! Well, what WOULD be a big shoot-out if the participants weren't firing what sounded like cap-guns. (Mr Bigmouth: POP!, AK-47: Pop-pop-pop-pop!) And, most amusingly, a rocket launcher that goes PHFUT! and tears a hole in the van. No explosion, though. Geez, if you have no budget for pyro, DON'T USE A ROCKET LAUNCHER in your film!
The Man shows to arrest people, but Sugarpop escapes on his Super-Scooter. The scooter takes no further part in the film. He meets his grandmother (Who's about 10 years older than he is...) and gets her to bail out Frank. They ride around in a limo for a while, Frank and Humungeous shoot some rivals, then go home to bone the hell out of their wives while Sugarpop plays a never-ending drum solo. No, I don't know why... By this stage,20 minutes into the film, Rick had nodded off, Conan was fading fast, and I was only kept awake because of my dedication to give the BMMB members a complete run-down of the Marathon. Plus, the world-class butt-chafing my seat was giving me helped. The Civic rocks as a theatre, but those seats are not designed for the long-haul...
I had by now cristened this movie "Dorks In The Hood", or "New Jerk City", and it was to get worse. We get to see Franks' nigthclub. (Named "Franks' Place"... Scriptwriter required, originality preferred, but not essential.) We meet his fellow drug-lords, who dress in clourful robes that make them look like the Drag Queen KKK. Their collective name... The Knights Of The Round Table! (They dance, whenever they're able! ) This got the best laugh of the film... as their boardroom table is VERY rectangular.
Eventually, (But not soon enough! ) Frank gets gunned down... in a resturant bathroom. (YES! They SO clevery twisted The Godfather scene... **CoughcoughRip-off!**) Humungeous avoids getting shot by the simple expedient of holding a table up to stop the slugs. (Must be mahogany, because that's some SOLID wood...) From this we cut... to a Gospel Dance Number! Yes, Brother Frank is dead, but we're giving him a fine send-off. In fact, the funeral is televised(!!), and representatives of Louis Farrakhan speak to our Intrepid reporter. (Well, "speak" is an overstatement. Waffle away about self-importantly is a more accurate summation.) The reporter proved to be the most laughable part of the film, too. Seemingly long-winded for TV news, she spouts such gems as "I'm here at the big, expensive, elaborate funeral of well-know crack-lord Frankie..." (Something. I never picked up on Franks last name. Brown, maybe. B, R, O, W, N.) Geez, if he was THAT well-known, why did the cops keep letting him off? HUH? Her news anchor is no better... Quote, "He ended his life like all druglords, shot down like a mad dog!" unquote. Help me, Movie hurts!
Here's where Sugarpop has to make his decison! Drugs, or not Drugs? I'm still not sure what he chose, frankly... He takes over the Knights, (Ni!) and decides to go legit. (By putting the millions of dollars of drug money into stocks and bonds) The reaction of the co-incidentally Rich Token White Guy who was In The Air Force Class With Sugarpop, when he's asked to start buying millions of dollars of stocks "with cash" is brilliant. None whatsoever. He looked like Sugarpop asked him to buy a couple of sodas... Once more, we have no-one to root for...
And so the plot went on. And on. And on. Not helped by a MUSICAL NUMBER! A rap one this time... A rap number called;
"DO THE ROOSTER!"
I'm not making that sh!t up.... Do. The. Rooster. Complete with a dozen people doing a dance like David Byrne of Talking Heads after a hard night on the joy juice. Great. They cut the 33 1/3 and give us the entire Rooster Song. Bastards!
[Future Skeeter: It's been some years since the Marathon... and I can STILL sing the chorus the "Do The Rooster" from memory... It's become a wierd running gag in my hosehold.]
Meanwhile, a rival druglords massacres Sugarpops family. So he decides to get revenge by... I can hardly believe I'm typing this....
Attaching AK-47's to a fleet of microlights to make "Our own jet fighters!"
The result? Well, the Hairbrained Reporter Lady says it best...
QUOTE OF THE MARATHON: HRL: They've created the first... Ghetto Air Force!
By this stage, with copious amounts of slo-mo, explosions reminiscent of a cheap fireworks display, and Sugarpop still droning on in his annoying monotone, the mood of the crowd was growing ugly. I attempted to start an "END, END, END!" chant in honour of B-Fest, (Which I WILL get to one year. I swear it on the blood of "Street Wars" director! ) but was unsuccesful. Finally, as Sugarpop won the day, then had a lengthy wedding scene with his blink-and-you-misssed her Token Girlfriend, I could stand it no more. Leaping to my feet, I thrust my fists skyward and screamed out my best rendition of "FREEEEEEEEE-DOMMMMM!!"
I like to think it broke the tension. It got a lot of laughs, anyway...
Finally, it was over. Rick now has a new Least Favourite Film, stating that even Moulin Rogue looks good in comparison to that one. And we were on to our final film;
MIRACLE MILE
A very different film, this one. What can I say that won't destroy it for anyone who hasn't seen it? Nothing. So I won't say a word except that it stars Anthony Edwards, was made in1988, and begins like a romantic comedy. twenty minutes later, the romatic comedy is jettisoned from the nearest tall building, and BAM! You're hooked.
It's not for everyone. you'll either love it or hate it. But I'll say this. After the 20-minute mark, no riffing, no talking, nada. As the credits rolled, applause. Thunderous, sustained applause. Unbelievable.
THE AFTERMATH
We rolled out into the streets at 9:15am. The Marathon had finished 45 minutes earlier than advertised, but after "Street Wars", it sure FELT like ten hours! The Civic floor was awash with debris, but being a commercial theatre, had cleaners already standing by to deal with it. Considering I had been awake 25 hours straight, I was still feeling pretty good. Ditto Rick, who's decided he's coming back next year. We have another B-movie convert, folks! All things considered, one hell of a ride, and one I'm glad I took. And yes, I'll be back next year... and the year after that... and so on.. and so on... and so on...
Final Note: The Recurring Themes
On reflection, I noticed three things that linked this wide variety of films together;
1) Spontaneous Dance Numbers: From the multiple cheerleader routines and moronic dances of "RoTCheerleaders", to the Rooster Dance in "Street Wars", everyone was shakin' their groove thangs! Some better than others... A short list would include the bizzare piano playing dance in the first "Lemongrove" short, the "Not-A-Twist Contest" dance in "Bonnies Kids:, the 33 1/3 dance party in "Boarding House" and the Crackhead Gospel Choir form you-know-what...
2) Bananas: Or, the Sensual eating of Such. Boarding House, Bonnies Kids and RotCheerleaders all featured a woman practically performing an indecent act on a piece of soft fruit. Not to mention the "Dude Makes a Banana Split while Getting His Butt Licked" scene in the cheerleader flick...
3) Breasts: 'Nuff said.
posted by Skeeter @ 12:23 AM
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