REVIEW: The Glory Stompers

The Glory Stompers (1967)

The Plot: Biker from the "Glory Stompers" gang has girl, Bikers from the "Black Souls" gang beat him up and steal girl, "Glory Stomper" chases them and gets girl back. Some people die. The end.

The Cast: Dennis Hopper(!!), Casey Kasem(!!!!) and a bunch of people I've never heard of.

Random Thoughts

and

Things I Learned From This Movie: (Concept Courtesy (Okay, pinched from) Andrew B.)

In 1967, 98% of the population of America were in motorcycle gangs. The other 2% were ineffectual cops.

If your budget for credits is extremely low, feel free to show the exact same ones at both the start AND the end of the flick.

Starting your movie with a close-up of a body-painted chick jiggling her boobs is a GOOD idea.

60's Bikers had such cool nicknames as "Cowboy", "Pony" and "Clean-Cut"..

60's biker gangs consisted of no more than five people.

Bikers who wear swastikas and yellow nazi helmets are probably people to avoid.

Dennis Hopper can play "stoned" very well... even if his character has indulged in nothing stronger than a regular cigarette.

If your psycho biker chums strike someone over the head with a tyre-iron, it's best not to check for a pulse. Just assume they're dead and move on.

The natural result of a blow to the head with a tyre-iron is a 3-centimetre long trickle of blood from the side of the mouth.

Pre-"Easy Rider" bikers travelled not to "Born To Be Wild", but to a oddly-mellow "Eight Miles High" rip-off.

You can never have too much footage of bikers riding along the highway, high-fiving each other. Show the exact same shot from two different angles if you have to!

Dennis Hopper REALLY liked the word "Man" in '67... as he says it about 3,000 times in 85 minutes.

If you decide to sell a women to some Mexican Pimps, discuss the entire plan while standing four feet from her. Then spin her a cover story. If she's really stupid, she just might fall for it.

The Voorhees Unreality Engine was operating back in 1967... watch as the Simpering Heroine makes a break for it, stops and waits for the bikers to catch up, then teleports 50 feet away in the next scene.

Watching a greasy biker sexually molest the Simpering Heroine is somewhat unconfortable.

If your movie begins to drag, toss in a fight scene. EVERY FIVE MINUTES if necessary!

Okay, watching Dennis Hopper lick the Simpering Heroine is REALLLLLY uncomfortable.

Man, Cowboy, the Good-Guy biker just drove right by where the Black Souls are camped... Later, he rides back again and STILL misses them. This guy would need a map and compass to find his ass with both hands in a fully lighted room!

Okay, now Dennis Hopper is inhaling the Simpering Heroines hair. Has Hopper done a regular sex scene in his entire career? None spring to my mind. ("Mommy! Mommy!")

In the event of being unable to film at night, simply have the bikers light a fire and dub in some cricket noises. No, you don't need a blue filter! No-one's going to notice the bright sunshine flooding through the trees in the distance!

Okay, cutting back to Cowboy, riding along in full daylight might destroy the illusion a smidgen...

The Black Souls are going to a "Love-In"? What are they, hippies now?

A new character! Although, no-one's going to take a biker seriously with a nickname like "Smiley John"... (I never caught the last name, but it was something like that, anyway...)

So "Clean-Cut" is the nice guy of the Black Souls. (And Dennis Hoppers brother to boot...) That would explain the lack of nazi regalia and the throwback 50's haircut...

Hey, more footage of bikers riding down the highway! That NEVER gets old!

Okay, if your "mama" is a switchblade-wielding pyscho-hosebeast, you might want to re-evaluate your standards slightly.

So they're leaving Clean-Cut with the tied-up Simpering Heroine.I think I see where THIS is leading!

Bikers and hippies had similar ideas of what a love-in entails. Bodypainting, bongo drums and some freak tripping on acid.Of course, bikers also add beer, topless motorcycle riding and catfights to the mix. Bikers rock.

Okay, here's where the quote-unquote "plot" comes to a standstill for a while. Mainly, for the ten minutes of Biker chicks shaking their backsides into the camera lens.

RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!

Incidently, Cowboy IS still persuing the Souls, but his bike conviently breaks down. Thus allowing us the chance to savour even MORE bodypainting and bad music.

So Clean-Cut is even MORE gullible than the Simpering Heroine. That's a stretch.

Talking of stretch, doesn't Clean-Cut realise that the heroine is reaching for a tyre-iron while they make out? Or do all his dates stretch one arm out from their body at a ninty degree angle?

Or right over their head like she just did? Maybe he thinks she's got a physical deformity and is too polite to mention it?

Evil Biker McGoo is heading back to camp early. SMELL THE TENSION!

Y'know, if you ask some one to sell their women and then spew out your entire plot about selling a Glory Stomper chick, ALWAYS check his jacket. Yes, Pony IS a Glory Stomper. Cue the traditional Love-In All-In Brawl

The best way to stop an all-in brawl if you're an Ineffectual Policeman? Fire your shotgun randomly in the air!

Clean-Cut protects Simpering Heroine from the Evil McGoo! Cue yet another fist-fight!

Incidently, the music score is becoming more inappropriate by the second. Two bikers are beating the snot out of each other in a river, and it sounds like James Galway is having a siezure into his flute.

Cowboy FINALLY arrives at the love-in.(After what appears to be three days on the road.) The 50 or so people left are all asleep. Guess the cops didn't arrest anyone after expending a bunch of buckshot trying to make them disperse.

RIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY FOOTAGE! Yes!!

Okay, they appear to have ridden all the way to the Gobi Desert. (Unless Mexico is a LOT more arid than I was aware of...)

A good way to pad your running time. Have all your actors sit around doing nothing for a few minutes while you play a surf-guitar song on the soundtrack.

EVIL MCGOO ATTACK!

Y'know, music that would have been rejected from a Frankie and Annette "Beach Party" movie for being "Too peppy" is not the best choice for a dramatic foot-race/fight scene.

It's the big confrontation scene! The Wannabe-Rapist McGoo vs Slightly Heroic Clean-Cut! On bikes! It's like a medieval joust! Only not.

Oops, Clean-Cut just squished his leg under his chopper. Simpering Heroine, you want to help him up?

Any time...

Look, Simpering Heroine, you're three feet away from Clean-Cut and McGoo is about to run him over. MIGHT want to do something about that...

Uh, McGoo... if you're going to run over Clean-Cut, you might want to stop revving your cycle menacingly and DO IT!

Holy shit, he ran over Clean-Cut!

Twice!

Fun Fact: Dennis Hopper can shoot you in the head from 40 feet away (RIP McGoo), but misses your un-moving body repeatedly from a distance of 8 inches.

Hey, Cowboy, Pony and Smiley Jim finally arrived! About frickin' time, half the Black Souls are dead already!

Wow, that's some amazingly floaty, mellow music for a life-and-death struggle like this!

Well, live by the switchblade, die by the switchblade, I guess. So long, Dennis. Man.

Oh, God... they wrote a Glory Stompers theme song? Nice kalidescope effects over the previously-mentioned cheap-ass titles though

Skeeters Summary: It's no "Easy Rider", that's for sure. Watch ONLY with a group of like-minded friends and MST the hell out of it, I say!