REVIEW: King Kong vs. Godzilla

So here it is... the "Different Style" review that became my standard format thereafter. King Kong (or a threadbare facsimilie of) and Godzilla duking it out on MGM. If there's a better way to waste an hour and a half, I can't think of it...

King Kong vs Godzilla(1962)

First things first... allow me to point out that this may be a different style of review than normal. (As well as an interesting insight into how my mind works...And as it turned out, a new trend, as ALL my reviews are now done this way!) Why? Because I viewed the movie, taking my usual semi-coherant notes several weeks ago. Then taped over the flick by mistake. (And so: no repeat screenings...) Add the fact that I watched the film while taking heavy-duty cough syrup, and you'll understand why the notes I'll be solely working from are somewhat less than helpful. Accordingly, I'll just transcribe the notes verbatim in Bold Text and try to make some sense of them for you.

Everyone with me? Good. Let's begin...

Toho Studios: Well, that seems obvious enough.

Michael Keith, Harry Knowles, James Yagi: I'm guessing those guys are the stars. Who they actually play in the flick is anyones' guess. I'd check the IMDB, but is it really that crucial? Probably not...

Rapidly rotating Earth+Shakespeare: That was the pre-credits shot... Imagine the Universal Pictures logo model, only cheaper, spinning so fast you expect to see tiny people being flung off into space. What the Shakespeare quote they used was, I have no idea... I can't even remember if it was on-screen or spoken!

Stock Footage New York: Here's where the fun starts. As the film progresses, it seems that a great deal of the original Japanese footage was sliced out, being replaced by stock footage of NY and a dreary, monotonic announcer. Along with a sterotyped Japanese annoucer, they become a two-man Greek Chorus, narrating us through large sections of the film. (Actually, with their fashion sense, make that a "Geek Chorus".

Chile getting destroyed by quakes: While I remember Nerdy Announcer Guy stating this fact, I have no idea where it figured into the plot. Actually, I think it didn't. At all.

Thunderbird 5?: 'The hell? Oh, wait... that's right. Every so often we were given a shot of an orbiting space satellite that bore an uncanny resemblance to Thunderbird 5. As I recall the shot used was EXACTLY the same one each time, as evidenced by a spark at the bottom of the screen probably intended to be a docking spaceship. (And probably intended to be in an entirely different movie...)

Japanese fishing fleet seeing icebergs, U.N sub dispatched: Boy, the United Nations sure has a lot of time on its' hands, huh? "Iceberg, captain!"... "ATTACK!"

Scientist descovers narcotic berries (Duddddde!): The intersting slip into Surfer-ese must have come as I contemplated the ramifications of narcotic berries. It'd sure make drinking a vodka-and-cranberry a hell of a lot more interesting...

Berries used to placate a God (Bumbumbum!): Geez, even my notes are getting sarcastic early...

Dr. Makino: Hi, Doc!

Wants to do more research: And since he's a research scientist, that's probably a good idea.

Scepticsm all round: My mistake, Dr Makino must be the Scientist Who Meddles With Forces That Should Not Be Meddled With!

Pacific Pharmacuticals wants a monster to bump up TV ratings: Ahh yes, the "Put a Tiger in your Tank" comparisons. The wanted to Put a Monkey On Your Back with their drugs, I suppose...

Sakira and Fujitas' repartee: These guys were either brothers or brothers-in-law, I forget which. Oddly, my follow-up notes read either wife, steak or wive, stock... I can't dechiper my own handwriting to tell. So I'm guessing S and F were making witticisms about lisping livestock...

Cut between Stock Footage NY, Model Sub "Seahawk" and Badly-Dubbed Tokyo: 'Nuff said.

Seahawk finds glowing iceberg & oddly warm water: As evidenced by the Oddly Cheap Miniature Set.

Sub hits something, floods and burns (Sort of): I added the "sort of" as budget restraints meant that the "flooding" was a high-pressure hose spraying into the set and the "burning" was confined to a tiny area near the roof of the submarines' interior. Two seconds later, the Good Ship Seahawk goes down waith all hands.

Chopper arrives to see "GODZILLA!" breaking out of iceberg: I put "Godzilla" in capitals in my notes as that's the way the chopper pilot screamed it, seconds before Big G roasted him with the RADIOACTIVE BREATH OF DOOM! Godzilla 1, Humans 0...

Monotonic Announcer "stunned"?: This was interesting. The announcer was "stunned" about the creature in the ice, claiming it had just been named "Godzilla" by scientists... despite the Medium-Rare Pilot saying that word the moment he clapped eyes on Ol' Scaly. Ahh, continuity is soooo overrated...

G heading for Japanese Islands, Government Guy instills NO confidence: I loved the Government Spokeguy! As the film progressed, he had interviews like this..

Reporter: Is Godzilla coming?
GG: Yes... yes he is!
Reporter #2: Should we be worried?
GG: Certainly! The monster will destroy us all!

Honesty in politics.... It's a great way to create a seething mass of hysteria and panic, my friends!

Model Army Base gets trashed: Its a fairly brief sequence, but yes, Godzilla gets to stomp and burn a large variety of G.I Joe toys on an outlying island. You GO, G!

TV Footage?: So Nerdy Announcer is showing TV pictures of the base trashing? Tell me, what cameraman is going to stand forty feet away from a giant lizard hell-bent on destruction and STILL get such well-framed, rock-steady shots? This tacked-on US footage is tres' lame!

PP Guy wants a moster, STAT!: Yes, Pacific Pharmacuticals is still on the lookout for a giant monster. (Now they have the brilliant idea of putting their monster up against Godzilla in a GIANT MONSTER RUMBLE for added publicity.) I guess the loss of life and the massive property damage is worth it, so long as it sells those drugs, huh?

To island, where tie-dyed natives are doing island stuff: You know... hunting, fishing, dancing, selling plastic shell necklaces that were made in the Phillipines to overweight tourists, that kind of thing...

Sakira and Odious Comic Relief Guy get captured by natives: Which is impressive, as the two are on the island for less than a minute before this happens. OCRG is doing the time-honoured "Scared of Everything and Constantly Whines He Wants To Go Home" routine...

Racist wide-eyed bearer: It's odd to see that in 1962, Japan still had black characters that conformed to the racist stereotypes of the 20's and 30's... The whole "I'sa scared, massa!" bit. Incidently, is THAT what Lucas was aiming for when he created Jar Jar?

Transistor radio picks up high-pitched Japanese pop music: "Ha, fear our magic, primitive native as I tune in Radio Tokyo with this tiny transistor radio!" Yeah, right... horrible song, too...

Ciggies!: This was the most laughably silly bit of a fairly silly movie. We watch as Sakira and OCRG win over the natives by handing out cigarttes to all and sundry. Including a kid who's around five years of age. This us played as comedy. Gee, Sakira, what OTHER nice, civilised gifts do you have for them? A bottle of Jack Daniels and a nice case of syphilis?

Lightning, not lightning: Which would be a great album title for a prog rock group... It refers to the natives spontaneous prayer meeting after lightning begins to flash. (Accompanied by some omnious growling noises... bumbumbumBUM!)

Tokyo. Plane Crash. "Don't go to Hykaido!": This particular subplot sent Fujitas wife/sister/sister-in-law/whoever the hell she was sprinting off to Hykaido in search of him. Later on, we discover he MISSED the plane that crashed, sending HIM rushing to Hykaido to rescue her. Ahh, what tangled webs we weave, when Big G strides in from the sea....

Big Book of Dinosaurs: Nerdy Announcer interviews a scientist who calls Godzilla a "rep-til" and uses a childrens encyclopedia of dinosaurs to illustarte his point. I guess Walter Cronkite got to interview the GOOD scientists...

Faro Island: Faro must be the native word for "Big-Ass Ape", I think...

Lizard shooting=avalanche: Sakira and OCRG shoot at a giant lizard!
Well, actually it was a regular-sized lizard sitting two inches from the camera, but the result was the same. Sadly, the avalanche doesn't crush Whiny Comic Relief Guy, though...

Rascist bearer sent for berry juice: And for the life of me, I can't remember WHY they needed berry juice. Hopefully, it was to sedate the Comic Relief, who's up to 0.9 on the Kenny Scale of annoyingness.

Something slithers around... SQUIDZILLA!: Yes, a mammoth squid slithers into the village, trapping a native girl and her infant son in a hut. (If you want to get technical, it may have been a giant octopus, but I didn't actually count the tentacles, okay?

Ineffectual spear-chucking+ endless flares: Sakira, you're not really helping by throwing tiny flares at a ten-story high creature... Okay, great... fire your .22 at it, THAT'LL work!

FINALLY, Kong arrives!: Hooray!

Facefulla Squid/Squishy noises: Squidzilla makes the best vertical leap I've seen in days, attaching himself to Kongs face in one bound. The Squishy Noises occur every time he moves. (Rememeber the episode of "South Park" where they demonstrated how necrophilia sounds with a jar of mayo... same sound effects here!)

Kong drives squid off: Mainly, by tossing styrofoam boulders and banging his chest with open palms. (As his uber-cheap costume didn't have articulated hands, it seems...)

KK drinks the berry juice, close-up BAD!: This ALSO refers to the not-exactly top-notch costume, I believe.

Kong can't hold his juice: PLEASE don't let that be a wierd sexual euphamism...

Nap-time!: Oh, good... it wasn't.

Natives do Happy-Dance: This was a Looooong Interpretive dance number around the slumbering form of Kong, complete with Native percussion section.

Mr Tako claims ownership, he's dead... Tako is of course, head of PP, Inc... Interestingly, I was wrong about his Ironic Death at the hands of his Monster...

Godzillas' brain the size of an M & M: Or so the nerdy Japanese Announcer tells us in another cut-away to the Geek Chorus. I hope Big G stomps him flat for that one...

Tako arrives to check out Kong, Navy interceedes, Kongs raft boobytrapped: Kong is being transported to Japan on a huge log raft, tethered to a large ship. It's not MUCH of a way to travel, but it beats the hell out of how he is moved in the 3rd Act...

Kong ordered home, boss faints, Stock Footage Tokyo: I'm not sure why I noted the bosses faint. I think it was an annoyingly-overacted "Comedy" faint. Anyway, here's where we return to Fujita. He heads to Hokaido according to my notes, despite twice calling it HYkaido. Like I'm an expert on Japanese geography...

Godzilla heading to Hokiado: Betcha didn't see THAT plot twist coming, huh?

Army briefing, One guy with two voices.: Or so it appeared... Remember, Bad Dubbing and Cough Syrup do NOT mix, kids!

ROAR! Big G lets out his famous "Collapsing building" screech for the first time in the flick! (And it's about damn time!)

Train evac, G stomps on in, hotfoots himself, trashes train: Now THIS is what I came to see! Too bad it's another fairly brief sequence of Destruct-O-Vision, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

More stomping, same footage: Unless Godzilla backed up over the ridge and decided to take another run at the train, that is.

Omiko(wife?) flails in inch-deep water until Fujita "saves" her: Amusing scene for all the wrong reasons....

Back to Kong, umbrella bit.: What in the name of Jesse Venturas' Shiny Bald Head was the "Umbrella Bit"? And why did I think it needed to be in my review?

Boss falls on plunger, dud!: Ahh, the comedic stylings of Toho Studios... You see, as Kong revives, Mr Tako steadfastly refuses to blow up his meal-ticket. Then of course, he slips and lands on the dynamite plunger. Nothing happens. Luckily, Sakira proves to be a good shot, setting off the dynamite with his rifle.

Kong is PISSED!: Did I say "luckily"? Sadly, Kong doesn't take out his anger by squishing Overacting Mr Tako and Odious Comic Relief Guy.

Tokyo Guy exposes...: Exposes WHAT? Oh, wait, that referred to his sudden bout of Exposition-Itis, allowing us to skip ahead and get to the;

PLAIN RUMBLE!: Well, it's been a long time coming, but Big G and Double-K meet on the outskirts of Tokyo. (Here being played by a Styrofoam-rock littered soundstage.) Tokyo Guy basically plays ring announcer as they square off.

Godzilla hulks up!: I'm serious! After getting the upper hand on Kong, Godzilla does the old "double-bicep" pose of Hulk Hogan! (Although, this WAS ten years before Hogan started wrestling, so maybe Big G isn't the copycat!)

Kong gets singed, G poses(!), Kong backs off: Big G wins the first round, searing Kong with his Radioactive breath and showboats. Kong, the "Thinking" moster, according to Tokyo Guy, takes a powder. Well, that was disappointingly short-lived.

G heads to Tokyo, explosive-lined pit!: The Japanese Army once again attempt a cunning plan, digging a massive pit and filling it with explosives, poison gas and gasoline. Due to the small sets, they only spot the 90-foot high "rep-til" when he's approximately eight feet from the pit.

BOOM! Now G's pissed! Instant cut to Tokyo Guy.: David Lynch must LOVE this film...

High-tension wires, G fears them, KK feeds on them.: I garnered this info from Tokyo Guys direct-to-camera monologue. How a ninty-foot tall ape feeds on electricity is not instantly clear, though....

G gets zapped, Kong squashes homes: This annoyed me somewhat, as my notes have the words One second of Kong THIRTY SECONDS OF EVAC footage! slashed across them. I don't want to see people running from Kong, I want to see KONG, dammit! More stomping, less screaming!

High-Voltage snacking: Kong chows down on a high-tension wire in a less-than stunning special effect. This makes him more powerful, so he;

Pounds chest, sounds like 80's syth-drum: A-Ha are looking to hire him as we speak... incidently, my mind started to wander at this point, leading to notes like;

Helicopter in every monster shot, why?: I don't know then, and I'm still not sure.

Kong trashes train: "Anything you can do, I can do better! I can trash anything better than you!" Kong also kidnaps a woman, being a ladies ape... By a wacky coincidence, it's either Fujita or Sakiras sister. (I don't want to sound rascist, but everyone in this film looks the same!)

Atomic binoculars, lights on Kong BAD, uber-fake: The atomic binoculars are the type you take one glance at a tiny figure with (Getting the traditional figure-8 view) and shout "Kong has your sister!". The "lights BAD" comment is once more about the woefully-plastic Kong mask.

Worlds' Smallest Syscraper(TM): Uh, Kong, ol' buddy? If the tallest building around is four stories high... Don't climb it, okay? You just look stupid...

Fujita wants his drum (Berry juice!): I thought the 'drum" he wanted was of the "oil-drum" kind and would be filled with berry-juice. Instead we witness;

Fujita the Little Drummer-Boy: As the miltary fire rockets laden with berry-juice over Kong, Fujita pounds out the Native rythms on his bongo drums. Call me silly, but I THINK the tranquilizing effect of the berry-juice had diddly-squat to do with the drumming, Fuje...

Kong falls asleep... If K and G dont get it on so, so will I!: I was getting cranky by this point...

"Operation Kong", Balloon-Kong, Mount Fuji, "DROP HIM!": "Operation Kong... Gee, that must have taken SECONDS of thought! Kong is sent to battle Godzilla in the most undignified way possible... being transported to Mount Fuji via huge ballons attached to each limb. I swear I laughed myself off the sofa at THAT visual... The final indignity... they literally drop him from eighty feet up onto the mountain. Ow.

Kong plays hide-and-seek, Face-plant!: Kong proves to have learnt something, attacking Godzilla from ambush. Godzilla beats him down with his tail, quickly getting the upper... umm... paw? Anyway, after some energetic biffo, Kong is flattened and left for dead.

Old Sparky, force-feeding of foliage, building bashing: You know they say that lightning never strikes twice? Well, Kong gets hit by lightning five times in a minute in this film. Suitably revived, he drags Big G around by his tail and stuffs handfulls of leaves into his mouth. For the Big Finale, they stand on either side of a monastry/temple/cheap plywood model of an undefined building, smashing it to pieces.

Tumble to sea, earthquake, tidel wave: Wow, does THAT sound like a great finale or what? It's not that spectacular, sadly. In the end, Kong strides out to sea and swims home while Godzilla just vanishes without trace. (At least until the sequel, huh?)

And suddenly, we're done!


Skeeters Summary: To quote Leonard Maltins review of the film... "All talk, talk, talk until the rousing climax...". And yes, you sit through an awful lot of chatter in this flick. But hey, Godzilla and Kong do get the chance to pound the snot out of each other at the end. And who could ask for more than that from a film like this?