REVIEW: Proteus

If there's one thing I hate, it's wasting money. For instance, if I hire a video, I damn well watch it, no matter how bad it turns out to be. So, when I hired SEVEN videos for a Halloween B-Movie Barbeque, and only ended up showing three on the night, I knew was in for a long, looong week! And it was made longer by one of my spur-of-the-moment choices... the Direct-To-Video monster movie;

PROTEUS

I'm sure you've seen many films like this lining the shelves of your local video barn... Box art that hints at special effects they obviously couldn't afford to actually shoot, and a tagline that features the name of a better film. (Usually something along the line of "Out-aliens "ALIENS" or the like...) But what can you say about a film like Proteus that can't be summed up by IT'S tagline... "If you loved Leviathan..." Did ANYONE love Leviathan? And if so, report them to me so I can have them committed! Anyhoo, I'm the sap who rented it, so let's check it out...

Preview Time!: This got us off on the right foot... with a trailer for No Way Back, starring Russell Crowe! (With a cameo appearance by John Malkovich's plastic gun from In the Line of Fire, no less. Prop recycling... always the mark of a B-film!) Plus Maximum Risk, helmed by Ringo Lam and starring Jean-Claude van Damme. I haven't paid for a JCvD film since Timecop, so I can't pass judgement on that one...

Wonderful Films?: I love unintentional irony... especially this early in the film!

Craig Fairbrass: Our top-billed actor. Yes, I said "Who?", too...

Flash-forwards?: We open with our "hero" Alex talking with an unknown man. The man questions Alex on what happened to the drugs he was transporting. Alex suffers flashbacks to things that will happen in the movie. Always nice to confuse your audience right off the bat Eventually, Alex decides to tell us the whole story. Onwards!

Drug Runners 'R Us: We cut to our group of Designated Victims, loading a boat with heroin in unspecified Asian port. They include Paul, who's lost a finger thanks to the Triads and Mark, then Annoying Druggie. Plus Alex, who's a regular British wideboy. (Lots of "innit?" styled Cockney-esque banter.) Each of the lads has a female love interest, but as none were given names for a while I was forced to be slightly sexist. (Dubbing them "Pauls Chick", "Alex's Woman", and "Mark's Girl with the Major Hair.")

Multiple Explody Thing, Credits: Something blows up during the opening titles. Three times! It turns out to be a Boat Explody, as our "heroes" are next seen floating along in a liferaft. One credit struck me at this time...

"Slimer": That's the source novel this film was adapted from. No, I won't be rushing out to grab a copy... (Unless someone can convince me it's a DAMN sight better than the film...)

Drugs are bad, m'kay?: It turns out the Boat Explody was caused by Mark passing out in the galley with a lit joint in his hand. And how exactly does that cause a boat to go boom? Did he turn on the gas first, trying to get REALLY high on the fumes? They bicker about this for a while. Until the time-honoured...

Rapidly Appearing Corpse Trick!: In a moment of un-dramatic tension, "something" bumps against the boat... and it's a (bum bum BUM!) Body! I discovered the name of Marks Big Frizzy Hair Chick about now... and her annoying character trait.

Chrissy=Panicky Chick: I gotta stop using "Chick" in my notes to describe women... Let's call her a "Panicky Double-X-Gendered-Person". She's pretty annoying however you look at her, though...

Oil rigs are scary: Witness the way Chrissy screams her lungs out... because the base of an oil rig looms out of the mist. I just proved the previous point...

Mark=Ned: ie. The guy you want to see suffering a painful fate as soon as possible. He can annoy me just by shouting at people.

Hunt the geek, Proteus-Vision(TM): Inside the rig, a lone man is seen being chased by an Evil POV shot... Bum bum BUM! Smell the tension!

Crane of Death! Proteus plays with his food: Alex plays He-Man, scaling the rig to send down a crane-mounted elevator. We get another shot of the Running Man, just to remind us the shipwreck victims are now officially Proteus Niblets... Oddly, Proteus twice gets within kissing distance of the guy , then stops and waits for him to open doors and escape. You have to hate a creature whos body language is set on "Gloat"!

I'm blue, da ba dee...: During the first third of the film, things are often difficult to see... due to the constant blue lighting. (I actually thought I had a crapped-out tape, but apparently it was an artistic decision...) It kind of had the effect of making the first Horror Movie entirely peopled with Smurfs!

Hide and go seek: Hey, all of a sudden I'm watching Aliens! So, the marines creep around the base... wait, no, it IS Proteus! So, the drug-runners creep around the oil rig until they find the...

Laundry, Guns & Clothing: Boy, the rigs former inhabitants left so fast they ran right out of their clothes! (Bum bum BUM!) The drug-runners find some assorted heavy weaponry discarded in a laboratory. (Which includes the requisite beakers full of Mysterious Coloured Liquid, naturally...) Meanwhile from a vent droops the...

Squidgey Feeler of Doom!: Ewww.. it's a movie about Killer Snot!

Scientist chick? Weaponmaster!: There I go again with the "chick"... It's Alex's girlfriend, Rachel who suddenly becomes a scientist. Looking at a monitor, she's able to pick out non-human DNA in a sample. Meanwhile, Pauls main squeeze Linda starts briefing people on how to use assault rifles. Now I don't want to sound picky, but WHAT THE HELL? Where did these unexplained skills spring from? Linda's been as effective as a wet dishrag since the get-go, now she can practically field-strip an AK-47 blindfolded... That's a big leap of faith they're asking for!

"The Thing"?: Meanwhile, a sticky heap of something squidgey begins to form in a nearby cage. Instant flashbacks to the sled dog pen in a certain Kurt Russell movie.

Marks an ass! (And blind!) I forget exactly the specific assy-ness of Marks actions in this scene. I do remember him walking past the squidgey thing twice without noticing anything out of the ordinary. The moral... Never put a junkie on watch duty.

Chrissy goes a'wandering: And doesn't get killed, sadly. She's taking a bathroom break. Alex has become take-charge guy, deciding they need to find a radio.

Proteus hates technology: Too bad the radio room is being trashed as we speak. C'est la vie!

Slime-busters!: Ahh, filing cabinets dripping with ectoplasm! Where have I seen THAT shot before?

Subtle monitor bit: Here's a quite effective shot... the gang discuss their situation, with Chrissy reaching new heights of panicky dizziness. Behind them, an out-of-focus figure is glimpsed on a security monitor. Ooh-weee-ooh....

Coke plug, Proteus hates neon lights!: Everyone troops off to the cafeteria... which has a prominently-placed Coke machine. *Cha-ching!* Proteus decides to crash the party, blowing out every light he passes. Way to make an entrance, dude! It's all shot in Wobbly-Proteus Vision, of course.

Paul shoots up, major sin!: Paul gets over his fright with a hefty belt of smack. I instantly figured he was first to get slimed/eaten/mutilated. Meanwhile, Alex and Rachel are in another room, seemingly about to get horizontal. This led to...

Dawns' inadvertent pun.: My fiancee looked up from her book at this point. "Aren't they trapped with a monster?" she asked. "Yes", I replied. "So why are they throwing in a sex scene? Is this the only place they can slot it in?". Needless to say, any sentence with both "sex scene" and "slot it in" is an obvious cue for Skeeter to break up in giggles. Sometimes the cheap gags are the best...

Weaponus Interruptus?: However, after a cutaway to Paul and Linda, we return to find a shirtless Alex checking his weapon. (His assault rifle, people! Geez, minds like a sewer!) I guess they decided NOT to make the Beast with Two Backs, after all... Paul heads out to run some drugs over to Marks cabin, and....

PROTEUS ATTACK!: Later, Paul!

Linda to the rescue... not.: Everyone reacts differently in a crisis... Linda reacts by charging off in search of Paul. Alex goes after her, and they nearly blow each other away by leaping around corners, guns drawn. They don't find Paul, but do find...

Dr Shelly... Godless commie!: Well, either that or Chekov got REAL old! He orders the group off the rig and slams a door in Alex's face. Alex, his male ego bruised, blows the lock off the door and charges in.

Senior citizen ATTACK!: And gets turfed across the room by the good doctor. That's a real kick in the psychological 'nads! Shelly does a vanishing act right after. Alex gets all manly-man, wanting to continue the search for Paul. Mark pusses out, wanting to paddle for the horizon instead.

Brief look, quickchange, Chrissy can't scream convincingly.: We get our first look at Proteus... it's not promising. A bit of wandering around later, we find...

Dr Sims, overacter extrordinaire!: Admittedly, she's trying to emote being a person trapped and absorbed by a shape-shifting critter... so I shouldn't be too judgmental. It's gotta be a stretch, you know? Alex gets aggressive, so she tosses him through a window. Girl power!

Alex has masculinity issues: Somewhat miffed at being manhandled, Alex charges off after Dr Sims. But she's vanished... leaving behind her clothes. (Bum Bum BUM!)

Rachel missing, presumed eaten.: For reason best know only to the scriptwriter, Rachel wanders off by herself. She's next seen descending a stairway into another lab, accompanied by...

Random scene insertions: As we get two flashes of a face in a liquid environment. Rachel discovers what appears to be a humungeous vat of Mountain Dew. The resulting "jump" scene as Proteus lurches toward her from inside the tank is therefore somewhat predictable.

"Buck" and "Charlie": The Running Man from earlier in the film arrives on the scene, soon after the gang finds Rachel. (Guess Proteus wasn't hungry... or is it a Plot Point?) He tells them that "Charlie" is coming... what, we've morphed into Platoon, now? They set up for a stand-off, barricading themselves in a room. Look, if they're going to rip off the "stand-off" scene in Aliens, they should have hired Bill Paxton...

Proto-Buck ATTACK!: Well. I think we've conclusively proved that Proteus can imitate anyone it absorbs..."Buck" warps into Proteus and tosses Rachel into a wall. Then runs away. He's just toying with them. As my notes then read...

Memo to Charlie... kill Chrissy!: ...It's obvious I wanted him to STOP toying with them and start squashing them like bugs. We cut to the med-bay. Rachel is hurt badly, but wait..

Linda is now a doctor!: Th' hell? Was Linda a marine in a former life? Suddenly she's dressed Rachels wounds and hooker her up to... one of those heart monitors, the name of which escapes me at the moment. A cardioBEEPometer? Anyhoo, everyone leaves her alone and talk some more. Why did they leave her unwatched? So she can be attacked by the ...

Dangly Tendril of DEATH!: Which emerges from a vent that JUST HAPPENS to be directly over her head. It oozes its way into her mouth, adding The Hidden to the list of films we're plundering scenes from. No-one hears this happening, despite being seperated from Rachel by one thin curtain. She even goes flatline briefly, but regains consciousness once they (finally) run to her en masse. (And gives us an "I'm EVIL" look to camera... )

Rent-a-storm! Mark shoots up, Alex goes commando: I WONDERED when the storm was going to show up. Incidentally, I watched this during a REAL thunderstorm... Let me tell you, nature kicks ass when compared to a limited special effects budget! Also, I'm not referring to a lack of underwear in the "Alex goes commando" line...he's actually hunting Charlie with his assault rifle. he finally finds the radio room, but the one remaining piece of equipment has a Radio Explody. But, what's this?

Video exposition! Instant evolution: Bless your little Russian cotton socks, Dr Shelly! If you hadn't made up that video tape detailing Charlies' creation, we might never have figured it out! (Well, the video box blurb might have helped, but still...)

Mark lets the little head do the thinking: Meanwhile, Proto-Rachel puts the moves on Mark. (Ewwww... that's setting your standards low!) He practically breaks the sound barrier leaping up for a grope and a slobber. Rachel acts torn between warning Mark off and killing him. Can I have the casting vote? Back in the radio room, there's a weird moment of syncronicity between Proteus and Shark Attack...It seems DNA tests on shark brains, helped create Charlie.

Deep sleeper!: Sanity prevails, and Rachel takes out Mark. Chrissy sleeps through his struggling and screaming. Well, I guess the TWO FEET of separation meant she was out of earshot!

Heroin? Whaaaaaa...?: And suddenly Dr Sims is explaining that heroin confuses Charlie. Two things... 1) How the HELL did they figure THAT out? And 2) Boy... That's one HUGE friggin' coincidence, huh?

Chrissy gets slimed... Yayyy, Charlie!: It's an interesting film that makes you root for the monster, huh? Alex FINALLY puts two and two together... getting five briefly as he returns to comfort "Rachel". The *ding* as his mental lightbulb goes on is almost audible. He turns the sickbay into Bullets-a-Plaooza, gunning down Proto-Rachel. It doesn't even phase her, and the chase is on! Until he runs into Linda.

Linda suddenly knows EVERYTHING!: I'm losing the plot here! One moment Linda's all "Huh? What? I don't get it!". Seconds later she's aiming her rifle at Alex and accusing him of being Proteus. Her reason for suspecting him... "You've changed so much!"...Say WHAT? News to me! But according to the scriptwriter, she's right because he's...

Undercover Alex!: Yes, he's a cop! What a shocker, huh? He convinces Linda he's a good guy, so she gives him...

Hand grenades?: WHAT? Where in the name of all that's holy did she find THOSE? Frustration mounts as Paul suddenly re-emerges, causing Linda to do a 180 and complete ignore the obvious "Duh, Paul's the creature!" conclusion. Alex is knocked off a walkway, taking a dip in the Big Vat o' Mountain Dew. "Paul" spikes the ball by tossing in a grenade. Alex manages to grab his rifle and shoot out the side of the tank before it explodes. Kind of pointless, really... as they're

Bug Buster Grenades!: Another day, another badly-matted explosion. Why do I watch these films? (Voices in Skeeters head: "Because we tell you to!")

Bit of biffo, Paul Explody!: Alex catches up with "Paul", who's revealed his Charlie-ness to Linda. (Why? Because he needs his heroin, of course! Yes, a monster with a drug habit... There IS a small spark of originality in this film after all!) There's a quick fist-fight before Linda changes sides again, tossing the second greande to Alex. He drops it down Pauls shirt. BOOMSPLAT! Movie's over? Nahhh... There's still movies to steal from. (Notably Terminator 2 as Proteus oozes himself back together again.)

More aimless wandering, Alex takes on the marines: All of a sudden we've got new DV's... a bunch of armed guards and the rigs owner... "Mr Brimstone". Mr BRIMSTONE? Check please!

Talk, talk, talk, shadow puppets, exunt marines: After Alex has a cursory fight with the armed guys, Dr Shelly arrives. He taunts Mr Brimstone and changes (Off-screen) into his true form. We see him as a shadow. Whippy tentacles bump off the guards, while Brimstone gets a tentacle right in the mouth. (And I thought the "Foreign Object Fellatio" scene was bad in Blood Surf!) Before Brimstone checks out, he starts up a self-destruction device.

15 minutes... Voice-over countdown?: Stop pissing on Aliens, you hack! And HOW is a device contained in a briefcase somehow connected to the rigs PA system? (It's a damn inconsistent countdown, too... cut to a short scene, two minutes gone. Cut to a long sequence, come back and 45 seconds has passed.) It's time for the Big Finale, though!

Proteus comes out of his shell. Limited movement'll kill ya!: Proteus does a Head Bursty for our amusement, revealing himself as a large, vaguely dog-like plastic thing. It's so huge, all it can do is sit on the deck of the oil rig and wiggle its tentacles. Ooh, terrifying!. Alex throws petrol on it and uses the FLAREGUN OF DOOM to immolate it! Then rips off Linda Hamiltons "One-handed shotgun cocking" trick. Proteus takes a blazing tumble off the deck.

Rig Explody! "Goodbye"?: Someone's got to tell the designer of Self-Destruct Devices that no-one's going to be listening to computer-delivered witticisms as the base blows up. It's just a waste of programming time... As everything goes kaboom, Alex and Linda make a last-minute escape in a chopper. (Well, a later-than last-minute escape, really. There was NO WAY they had enough time to find a chopper they'd never seen before, let alone get it airborne. I also wondered which of them had the Unexplainable Attribute of Chopper Pilot. There WAS a pilot, though... presumably Mr Brimstones' employee.)

Twist ending! The End: Look, if the twist ending doesn't make one iota of sense... DON'T HAVE ONE! That'd be a twist!

Skeeters' Summary: Well, not horrible, but hardly a paragon of originality, either. For me, the out-of-nowhere attributes and plot elements were frustrating in the extreme. Great if you're playing "What Movie is This Scene Stolen From?", though...