REVIEW: Friday the 13th, Part II

Y'know, sometimes you have to sit back and think "Someone up there likes me...". As a bad movie fan, I sometimes get the feeling that the person who likes me works at Sky TV here in New Zealand. Specifically, the person who buys movies for Sky 1's "Friday Fright Night" slot. This month, the channel, which usually specialises in 80's re-runs, dating games and pro wrestling is holding a month-long "Friday The 13th" season. As I've already reviewed the tedious original, let's head to the franchise-launching sequel, shall we? Okay, then...

FRIDAY THE 13 PART 2

Boots of Death!: We begin in a quiet suburban street... well, it WAS quiet... now there's someone in "Bad-Ass" boots heading meancingly toward a house. And who sould live there but our former Simpering Heroine!

Annies' Back!: Yes, the Final Girl from part one is inside, having a nightmare. In fact, it turns out to be a Flashback Dream, in which you dream the highlights of the previous movie. (And dream it from a third-person perspective, too! Boy, that was lucky! Sure saved the film-makers from having to produce expensive new footage!)

Overacting rules!: Man, Annies got that "Whimpering and Thrashing Wildly" thing going on, huh? As she basically recaps the last 20 minutes of Ft13th, I noted her obvious Fashion Faux Pas... Green plaid overalls? Was there a sale at "Ugly Outfits 'R' Us"? Eventually, she does the old jolt-n-wake bit. (Without the slow-mo "Nooooo!", luckily...) She gets up and does...

Nothing, nothing, nothing... strip!: Just like in the original, Annie helps pad the plot for a while, having a poinless phone conversation with her mother. She then teases us by preparing for a shower, but emerging wearing a robe. (And as we all know, Personal Hygene=Death in slashers... bye, Annie!) We get our first False Scare scene as the camera does the slow zoom in on the shower curtain. (Yes, director Steve Miners, we're aware you've seen Psycho... and judging by the ripped-off music, so has "composer" Henry Manfredini.) Annie rips open the curtain, and is presumably surprised to find no-one there but an entire film crew.

Security Plus! (slight sarcasm): Afterwards, Annie suddenly gets all antsy, suspecting someone's in the house. So she secures the place. Now, considering this means she's left a door AND a window open and unlocked during her nap and shower, I'd consider this to be a little bit after the horse has bolted. She creeps around the house, finding an ice pick for self-defense. In America? After what she went through in the last movie, I'd have suspected her to have joined the NRA and be packing an Uzi...

Spring-loaded cat!: Man, that furrry little bugger came in with some velocity! Methinks PETA would love to talk to the grip who flung it through the window. After this False Scare, Annie puts the kettle on (Which actually boils, as opposed to the forgotten kettle in Part One.) and discovers a severed head in her fridge. (Maybe Gozer the Gozerian moved after Ghostbusters wrapped?) She freaks and screams, getting an...

Excedrin Headache #99: ...Checking out with an ice-pick in the earhole. The killer proves curteous in the extreme, removing the kettle from the heat post-impaling. (Maybe he fancied a quick cuppa before the long trip home?) Now I know a lot of Jason-ites complained that Annie was reduced to a typical slasher Designated Victim, but in all honesty, she was never that effective a heroine in the first place. (I still think she only survived Ft13th by a fluke...) Anyhoo, the credits roll after this ten-minute (In this version... some run up to FIFTEEN!) pre-massacre sequence.

Crazy, Ugly Ralph redux: Post-credits, we're back to Teeny-Tiny Town, USA. Enter two DV's... referred to in my notes as "Skinny Guy and Bra-Free Gal". They meet ralph, the doom-spouting wierdo from Part One. (Oddly, he looks less ugly than before. Perhaps because he's not pulling faces with every line this time. Well, line... he only gets one here. The usual "You're all Dooooooooooomed!" one.) Mere minutes after arriving, Skinny Guys truck is towed by a...

Super-efficiant towie!: Man, he don't muck about does he? It turns out to be a practical joke by our Annoying Comic Relief, an emaciated red-haired guy. (I later christened him "Yogi Dork" due to his laugh... it it needed was a "Hey, Boo-Boo!" and it'd be a perfect impersonation.

Minor roadblock: Off the trio head, before running into a tree-branch across the road. As they move it, an Evil POV camera spies on them. (And we get the first appearance of the "chh-chh-chh" theme... no "ha-ha-ha"s yet, but I guess they're saving that for later.) Bra-Free Girl discovers a sign by the roadside... which once pointed the way to...

Camp Bloody Stump!: Well, Camp Crystal Lake, anyway... Ooh-wee-ooh.

Enter the DV's!: At length, they arrive at their camp... along with a dozen or so Designated Victims. They're there for camp counseller training, led by Paul. (Who's chirpy motivational speeches were SO ripped off by that Tony Robbins guy!) Most of the DV's have no distinguishing characteristics, save one... Terri.

Who wears short shorts? Terri!: Good God, woman... if you show off any more butt-cheek you could rent it out as advertising space! A wise-ass DV pings her buttock with a slingshot, thus ensuring a gory exit for HIS character.

Enter Ginny, Pauls' "assistant": Read "Main Squeeze"... She arrives late in her suffering-engine-trouble car. Wonder whether THAT will come into play later in the flick? (Admittedly, it is nice to see they actually took the time to establish the soon-to-be-useless-in-a-crisis automobile, rather than the usual "Hey, it won't start!" cliche. Which is the equivalent of a doctor in a medical drama suddenly discovering his high-tech equipment has crapped out. Or a lawyer in a courtroom drama forgetting how to practise law. Or... but I digress. Wildly.) Anyhoo, they repeatedly stress that Ginny is majoring in child pyschology... Smell the Plot Point!

Misue of Spiky Things: Paul continues with his welcoming speech, taking time to point out the dangerous items that are around the camp. This is Slasher Film equivalent of the pre-flight safety check... "In the event of an emergency, hatchets are located here, here and here. Should a body drop from the trees above you, scream unconvincingly and run directly to the nearest masked pyschopath. Enjoy your flight."

Spooky stories and s'mores: That night, the legend of Jason gets trotted out around the ol' campfire. From this we learn it's been five years since Part One and Annie brought the farm just 2 months later. Which means Jase had one HELL of a growth spurt, going from drowned teen to full-grown adult in eight weeks. The stories finishes with a campfire invasion by some guy in a mask... who is, of course, a...

Red-headed Ned: Yep, it's Yogi Dork! I was left wondering one thing... where did our Irritating Comic Relief find the REAL SPEAR he's waving around? Was the camp built by Zulus? I did learn a few names here... Slingshot Boy is "Scott", Wheelchair-Bound Guy is "Mark" and Skinny-Ass Guy is "Jeff"... Bra-Less Girl is never named in mynotes at least and a girl who lusts after Mark doesn't get named uuntil after she *SPOILER* gets killed. I'll just call her the Chair Groupie. After the campfire antics, we head indoors for some Character-Defining Moments. (Wel, they would be if anyone had a character type other than "Dead Meat" stamped on their foreheads.) Mark beats the other guys at arm-wrestling, Paul loses at chess to Ginny, Jeff does some...

Dorky Dancing!: Which doesn't hold a candle to the Crispin Dance in FT13th:The Final Chapter...

Bra shot! Paul goes for snuggles. Ginny heads off to change, Paul sneaks in for a cheap False Scare and some canoodling. They're spied on by...

Pervy, Ugly Ralph: Sadly, voyuerism is a Sin, so Ralph must DIE! How, you ask?

Garotte Milk?: Yes, Ralph is offed by the worst pun I've made in years! Well, days... I LIKE bad puns! From Ralphs throttling by an "unknown" assailant, we cut to the next morning and the...

Boobie-Run!: It's a morning jog, actually... but let me tell you, packing a sports bra just didn't occur to any of the female cousellers. At one stage, they're spied on by...

Invisible Jase?: It's the return of the Evil POV Shot! I think he turned invisible here, given he should have stood out like a sore thumb in the rather sparse undergrowth. The only one to spot him however is the...

Stupid dog!: Terris' annoying little dog "Muffin" sniffs out Jason and proceeds to run to him tail a-waggin'. So much for those spooky canine senses, huh?

Tight T-Terri, also blind.: Hmm... Size 12 Terri in a size 8 t-shirt... she's a bodybag! She searches fruitlessly for Muffin as the Evil POV Camera perves at her. She stares straight at the camera at one stage... but the one scraggly branch in front of it proves to be oddly effective camoflague. Meanwhile, one of DV's uses a chainsaw... PLOT POINT!

We're off to see the wizard!: What the hell was I talking about there? Oh, right... Terri and Scott disobey Pauls instructions not to visit Camp Mutilated Teen, following the Gravelly Dirt Road while the others hit the lake and trade grade-school level dirty jokes. Ahh, those lazy, hazy, crazily padded days of summer...

Tardis-Tree/Munted Muffin: As our DV's wander along the wooded path, Jase emerges from behind a tree and begins stalking them. The tree looks WAY to small to conceal the beefy machete-wielder, but I'm guessing Jase is actually a high-level D&D thief. (And rolled 20's on both his "Hide In Shadows" and "Move Silently" checks. Yes, I WAS a geek at school.. how did you guess?) Terri and Scott quickly stumble on a mutilated animals corpse. And we get false scare #347 as they're spooked by...

Chief Beer-Gut!: Man, Crystal Lake seems to have a cottage industry in flabby law-enforcement officers. He reprimands the twosome and frogmarches them back to Paul. Paul plays the rebel, dishing out some fairly weak punishment to Scott and Terri. (Although he later bans them from leaving the camp for drinkies, which eventually leads to their demise... Karmas' a bitch, huh?)

Chase scene!: As Deputy Jelly-Belly leaves the camp, a figure darfts across the road ahead of him. This is obviously an arrestable offense in Crystal Lake, as a foot-chase results. (What's the charge, officer? Woodland Jaywalking?) The chase terminates at a real fixer-upper of a cabin. PudgyCop searches it briefly, before jason tippy-toes up on him. (The boy is surprisingly quiet for a big dude...) And for for Officer Pitstain it's....

Hammer Time!: Specifically, the claw-end of one... right into the back of the ol' noggin. Ow.

Exunt disposable extras. (Nipple shot): Back at the camp, we eliminate all the un-named DV's (Bar Bra-Less Girl) by having half the crew head out to a local bar. (Including both the Aisian girl AND the Afro-American guy. So much for "The brother always gets killed first!". Admittedly, neither had a single line in the flick, so it's probably a bad example. Yogi Ned, Paul and Ginny also go for a few brewskis. I forget whose nipples I noted, although Terri would be my first guess.

Skinny Dip coming up? (Yup!): Once the no-longer designated Victims are gone, it's time to get down to business. Terri goes for a walk along the lanke after dark... which is a pretty obvious set-up for a skinny-dipping scene. (With full backal nudity as she enters the water. Oh, don't worry skin-lovers, she does a frontal on the way out...) Meanwhile, Jeff and Bra-Less Girl head upstairs for some Sinful Fornication.

Single Entendre girl!: The Chair Groupie and Mark play video games, (Giant 80's hand-held ones, naturally...) spiced with some pretty obvious sexual banter. But hey, why are we inside when there's nudity happening down at the lake?

Bobbing for boobies!: Ahh, a naked woman bursting out of the water like a sea-lion... thank you Steve "I got subtlty falling out my ass" Miners. (Not that I have anything against boobs, mind you. I am male after all...) Terri heads back to shore, accompanied by Mr Manfredinis take on the...

Jaws theme?: You have no shame, Henry... Terri reaches shore, only to find her clothes have been stolen. By Scott, of course.

Half-naked chase scene: Terri does a quck boobie-clutching dash after Scott, who runs headlong into a rope snare. (He blames Pauls "wilderness shit" for the trap, altough I doubt he'd be setting traps around the campground. And Jason just doesn't look like he posses a lot of manual dexterity. Maybe it's a general-purpose Moron Trap? When is moron hunting season these days?) Terri bounces off to get a knife, aloowing Jason to up his frag rate for the flick.

Seeya Neck-st time, Scott!: Somebody stop me before I pun again! Jason proceeds to ventilate Scotts throat with a machete. Terri runs back, discovers the corpse and...

What the? (Cut?): Abrubtly vanishes from the flick after one scream. I suspect a massive edit in post-production, as Liz at "And You Call Yourself a Scientist" noted the same missing chunk of footage. In any event, we'll assume Terri pays for her Fashion Sins in some suitably gory manner.

Psychology 001: Out in redneck-Ville, Ginny disects Jasons personal problems, providing a half-assed explanation for his anti-social behaviour. He's just peeved because he saw Momy Dearest having her head lopped off, apparently. Which is pretty sketchy logic, seeing as how he supposedly DROWNED twenty-five odd years ago. Meanwhile, Paul and Red-Hed Ted make bad jokes and drink. (With our Comic Relief proving to have at least one Character Quirk... collecting the beer bottles he's emptied rather than letting the barmaid clean up. Oddly, I did the same thing when I first hit the pubs at a not-quite-legal nineteen.)

Nookie/Backstory/Ewww... tongues!: Back at the ranch, Jeff and Bra-Less Girl are in the throes of ecstasy. Meanwhile, we learn about why Mark is in a wheelchair and pick up on him being the clean-cut guy who doesn't do drugs or drink. (He's "In training", although it's never made clear exactly what he's training for. Even after chair Groupie asks him, he just kinda shrugs. Guess the scriptwriter ran out of ideas half-way through.) We cut back to the bedroom to watch Jeff and Bra-Lass girl share a disturbingly squishy post-coitial kiss. Bogart and Bacall in The Big Sleep that AINT!

Rent-a-Storm approaches! Bra strap=Death?: The Chair Groupie and Mark decide to finish their games night with a quick round of Hide the Salami. Chair Groupie slips out to her cabin to change.. and what do you know? There's Ominous Thunder(TM) rumbling in the distance. Knew we were missing something... She does a discreet strip, as Pervy Jason (We assume... the POV shots are so over-used by this point, it could be anyone or no-one at all.) spies on her. She goes nuts with the perfume... even spraying a shot of it down her underwear. Ummm.. ouch!

Vicky! (Bad Delivery): Mark rolls out to the porch to look for the Chair Groupie.. and calls out her name! (I have no idea where he learnt it from... I've been watching the movie for an hour and it's the first time it's been uttered.) It's not Marks' finest acting moment, though... did they film the rehearsal by mistake? EMOTE, buddy...

Splitting Headache/Sex and death: And abrubtly, Mark exits stage left with a machete in the face. (Rolling down a flight of stairs to boot.) Nice to see Jason is an Equal Opportunity Homicidal Maniac. We cut from him to our Designated Bonkers, getting ready for Round 2. Jason heads inside, collecting the aforementioned spear on the way.

Oh, spear me. (AKA, The Human Shish-kabob): And let THAT be a lesson to them. Sex is bad, mmm'kay?

Paul and Ginny head back: In doing so, they leave Red-Head Ned behind. He finds out about an after-hours bar, and departs the film. Yes, the Annoying Comic Relief SURVIVES! I want a refund! Back to The Chair Group... uhhh, Vicky. She discovers she's all alone and heads upstairs.

I posed them!: Where she finds a bed full of Jason, who's wearing a flour sack on his head. His "Sporting Equipment" fashion sense wouldn't develop until Part 3... here, with just one staring eye visible in a sea of brown hessian, he appears to be playing "Mr Potatohead Goes Insane". Vicky turns to flee and finds Jeff stapled to a wall. And proceeds to demonstrate...

Great defensive tactics! Not.: Hey, Vicky? If you just stand there and scream, Jason's probably going to kill you? Vicky? Ooh, that looked painful...

Scooby Gang! Sack-Head Jason: Paul and Ginny return about now. They find the place deserted, of course and begin a search. (Pauls' "Hero" factor slips a few notches as Ginny asks "What's going on?" only to recieve a curt "Nothing!" from Paul. That was just plain rude, dude...) In the cabin, Ginny Spidey-senses start a'tingling as she detects Jason hiding in the living room. Paul and Jase duke it out as Ginny watches on.

DO SOMETHING, Ginny!: In fact, she watches on so well, eventually there's a thump and only Jason stands up. We'll take a short break while I sing a quick chorus of "Stand By Your Man".

Okay, we're off to the races... Ginny out-sprints Jason and locks herself in another room. There's a jump scene that's so badly telegraphed (She backs toward a window, Jason pops up like a Jack-In-The-Box) the scene should have been sponsered by Western Union. Then, after all the assorted pointy things we've seen in the movie so far, Jason selcts a somewhat unexpected weapon...

Pitchfork attack!: Th' hell? Where did THAT come from? More running and hiding from Ginny, who discovers Ralphs body on the way. (In a nice moment of synchronicity, he's been stashed in the pantry... where he was hiding during the first flick.) Ginny bails for the car... and guess what?

Car trouble! (Cousin Jethro?)/Three points!: yep, the car won't start... aint it always the way? Jason finds her there and does some amatuer panelbeating. It's here that I noticed his attire... bib-overalls and a plaid shirt. (Leading me to the MST3K-esque outburst "I'm gonna bury her in the ce-ment pond, Uncle Jed!". Sadly, I was home alone at the time, but it probably would have been an amusing moment if anyone else had been present. It amused me, at any rate.) Ginny escapes from Jase by punting him between the uprights. While Jason clutches his dangly bits, she makes a break for it.

Hide-and-go-visible? Happy feet!: For about six feet... then she ducks behind the hood of a car. Which is clearly not tall enough to conceal her. Jason still manages to miss her, possibly because his twenty years in the lake has shriveled his brain to the size of a pickled onion . Ginny returns to the cabin and Practises the Art of Not Being seen beneath a bed. Jason wanders around the room while we get Doris wishman-esque shots of his shoes. All looks good for Ginny until a rat runs under the bed with her. Leading to the...

Pee-pee scene: Okay, that's a stretch... A deranged lunatic chases you with a pitchfork and you're fine. A rat runs over your hand and you evacuate your bladder? I don't think so, Tim...

Prattfall Jason!: Jason appears to leave the room, so Ginny...



And then the review skewed into an entirely different style. Why? Mainly because I misplaced my notes and left the disc I was working off at home. And so, six days after watching the movie, I now try to recall the finale off the top of my head.

I believe we were at Pratfall Jason... So, Ginny scrambles out of the bedroom with Jase in Hot Pursuit... or would be if he didn't fall on his ass in a vaugely comedic moment. (I THINK the chair he was standing on collapsed, but the ol' synapes are a tad hazy... mainly because the movie is fairly generic in the first place. And I'm sure ginny defended herself with the camp chainsaw, but I'm buggered if I can remember where.) Once more, we're off and running. After the usual chase through the woods, Ginny miraculously arrives at the same run-down cabin as Officer Abs of Donut Batter was offed in earlier on. Here she springs a surprise ambush on a filthy toilet and a clogged bathtub. (Maybe there's students living there?) In one of the best constructed shots of the entire series, we spy Jason approaching the hut through a broken window. (Although my brain is insisting the shot was far too bright to have been filmed at night. (Maybe that was a REALLY long chase through the woods?)

Ginny ducks into the huts second room, which holds a fine example of a Deranged Maniac Shrine... Several random victims lying around the severed head of Mrs Voorhees. Ginnys Child Pyshology lightbulb goes on, and she quickly throws on the Late Mrs Vorhees sweater. Jason, having the cognitive faculties of a fava bean, sees her and instantly believes Mommys come back from the dead. (Even though as disguises go, it's about on a par with Bugs Bunny putting on a dress and having Elmer Fudd instantly fall in love with him.) Ginny orders Jason to drop to his knees, which he meekly complies with. I'm now worried that the Voorhees family was a BIT closer than is strictly healthy. Whereupon she raises her machete to behead him. (You're now asking "What machete?", most probably. I THINK she stole Jasons after his pratfall, but don't quote me. I remember thinking she'd missed a great opportunity to take the next obvious step, though... ie. burying it in his head while he was down.)

As she goes to strike, however, Jason spots Moms head behind her. he proceeds to gouge a nice chunk out of Ginnys leg with the pitchfork handle. (What do you mean, I forgot to mention he broke the pitchfork? I'm sure I mentioned that... damn, I SO need my notes!) Anyhoo, things looks bleak for Ginny, when who should burst in but Paul! (Weenie-Man to the rescue!) Jason/Paul 2: The Death Match breaks out, as Ginny suddenly becomes the simpering passive spectator girl again. Just leave her to Jason, Paul... She's TRYING to get you killed. Eventually, she remembers the fact that her machete JUST MIGHT be useful, burying it it Jasons' shoulder as he goes for the deathblow on Paul. (Just like Annie before her, our Heroine seems to gain superhuman powwers just when she needs them... either that or Jasons collarbone is made of Play-Doh.)

As per-usual, our Dipshit Final couple make Slasher Movie Goof #1 as they leave. (ie. Not actually taking a second to confirm the villan is actually dead.) And so we get our final False Scare in an endlessly protraced scene. (And includes the return of Muffin, the worlds stupidist dog.) And for the second movie in a row, a stupid Shock Ending that just doesn't make much sense. Oh well, anything to kep the franchise rolling along, huh?

Skeeters Summary: Technically speaking, a massive improvement on the original. The plot (And I use that term fairly lightly) progresses at a rapid clip once the... *ahem*.. "Dead" weight departs for the local boozer. However, it's filled with generic, cardboard characters who just kind of fill time until it's their turn to be slaughtered. Plus, the obvious chainsaw-editing in post-production removes most of the gore... and a goreless Slasher Flick is pretty much an oxymoron. All in all though, there are worse ways to waste ninety minutes. I could be watching Street Wars again, for instance...