REVIEW CHALLENGE: Lay Low

To start this review on the right foot, there's two things you should know about me.

1) I'll START to watch anything that's ever been filmed. (Wether I FINISH watching it or not is an entirely different matter)
and
2) I can never resist a challenge.

So, when a co-worker handed me an unlabled videotape with the words "I bet you couldn't review THIS film!", I was naturally intrigued. A movie I couldn't review? HAH! Bring it on! Then he told me what it was...

Pornography.

Specifically, Spice Channel pornography.

I thought it over briefly. Hmmm... While I've never watched a skinflick, I'm guessing I know what to expect from the clips I've scoped out on the 'Net. An extremely low budget, bad acting and the possibility of some bad special effects. Sounds like a B-Movie to me! And so, here's my (Family-oriented) take on the Artistic Triumph that is;

LAY LOW

Legend Video: And looking at the titles, put the emphasis on "Video"... Big-Budget 70's Europorn this AINT! We get the credits for our Featured Players with short clips of them in "action"... headed by "Jewel DeNyle"(!). That could lead to all sorts of "I'm in denial" jokes. Also appearing, Gwen Summers, Bridgette Kerkove, Nikita "My Names are in the wrong order" Denise and "Chandler". (NOT the guy from "Friends", thankfully.) The male leads are headed by...

Joel "Sweaty" Lawrence: Well, I added the nickname... but his picture in the credits certainly earned it. And we feature Dale DaBone(!), Joey Ray and Brent "80's Rocker" Rockman. (He's wearing a headband that makes him look like he's modeled his style after the drummer from "Toto".)

Written by Nelson X.: No relation to Malcom, I'm guessing. Incidently, how much skill is required to "write" porn? Two pages of expositionary dialogue followed by nine pages marked "They Boink"? I could do that...

Rapumentary: And so we charge into the multi-layered plot... Our Host, the wittily-named(?) "Horatio Bonerview" welcomes us to a retrospective of wannabe actress "Jade Lo". Yes, it's a wild, zany, smutty spoof of Ms. Lopez! Oh my sides, they are splitting already. After some brief set-up dialogue about the "Porn Star Who Wants to go Legit", we check out her...

Casting Couch Blues: Here a sleazy promoter offers her a contract, but it'll require a Close Personal Favour from our heroine. She's okay-looking, despite her Anime-sized eyes and an odd resembelance to Elvira. Oddly for the genre, she refuses in disgust. So we cut to a second potential actress getting the same offer.

Lip-Zilla!: It's Bridgette Kerkove... and my GOD, she's one scary-looking hosebeast of a woman. Her lips have been collagen-enhanced so much she looks like Gary Coleman has had a lip-transplant... And the doner was Steve Tyler of Areosmith! I swear that if they were any bigger she'd be no longer able to breathe through her nose! If she was in a sinking ship, people could save themselves by using her lips for a life-preserver. Not small, in other words. She's also wearing more make-up than the entire cast of a Keystone Kops short. In short, someone that could give small children nightmares for weeks!

Audition Time!: And to my horror, she's our first Bonk-ee. She begins by giving the fabled Close Personal Favour to the agent. (Abbreviated to "CPF" from now on. I actually thought I'd have to make up a whole host of Cutesy Acronyms... but boy was I wrong!) Her CPF is a scary sight to behold, with our "Actor" appearing to be on the verge of getting an unexpected sex-change from her super-deformed lips. Fairly soon we cut to a...

RCPF: That's a "Reciprocal Close Personal Favour", by the way. Ms Kerkove attempts to project "passion" at this stage. Instead, she looks like a Barbie doll that was hit in the face with a frypan. Repeatedly, I might add. She also ups the "MY EYES!" Factor about now, revealling her...

Out-Of-Proportion Boobs!: Okay, did she PAY for those? If so, sue the doctor! Unless she actually asked him for the "Hideous Car Crash Victim" look. Our male lead is revealling his Back-ne at this stage... I consider some judicious use of the fast-forward button... and then it happens. A close-up of Ms Kervokes'...

Lumpy-ass face!: Well, now I understand why she applies her make-up with a trowel. I hit fast-forward (FF) to escape, allowing our particpants to assume the...

Congress of the Inverted Mechanical Bull: Could we get this guy a stronger chair, please? Someone's going to get hurt if that thing collapses! The Sinful Fornicators are using protection at least, which is one point in the Spice Channels favour. Not a BIG point, but you have to look for the positives in every situation. Bridgettes now having these wierd facial spasms. I read it as "I forgot to turn the iron off!", although she could be trying to imply that she's enjoying it.

Skirting Board Inspector: For some reason though, she keeps looking at the base of the walls at random intervals. Maybe they had cue cards for her there? "What's my line? Oh, right... Ooh! Aah! Mmm!".

Smurf-houses?: That was another impression of her surgically-mangled mammeries. Admittedly, you could fit the entire tribe in just one of them, but the analogy still feels about right.

Congress of the "In" Box: Hey, the desk had to come in to play sooner or later, right? Bridgette and I now have the same expression... one of intense boredom. At one stage she closes her eyes for so long I figured she'd accidently glued her lashes to her face. Mr Spotty continues to pound away for ages until suddenly.. it's over! And then he starts again! Make up your mind, dude! Are you finished or not? (We'll have to take his word as the Spice Channel apparently doesn't utilise the "aim-and-fire" approach to the male orgasm. I'm happy with that, as there's enough crap on Ms. Kerkoves' face already...) Finally he's done. Huzzah, let's move on.

Family Porn!: Back to Jade... She's moved back into porn, but in *gasp* non-sex roles only! Her reasoning behind this is she can use her porn movies to demonstrate her acting abilities. And so, Horatio sends us off to the (cheap) set of a Jungle Epic. Or possibly a Jungle Hell.

Gwen Summers, lip factor 3: And those lips are a HUGE improvement over The Collagen Queen of the previous scene. Ms Summers is our Heroines co-star of this Epic... an Anaconda rip-off, apparently. I forget their title, so I'll just call it "Man-aconda"! See, I COULD write for porn...

ACT-ing!: And so, Jade sinks her teeth into her role, giving us some overwrought hysterics. Hey, I'm convinced! If I ever need an understudy for a grade school production of "Peter Pan", she's first on my list. Okay, second, but I have a very talented cousin. She quickly vacates the scene, shortly before the appearance of...

Tobanga, the Jungle Dork!: Yes, it's Mr. 80's himself, Brett Rockman! His nifty headband is now revealled to be in a native-type print. Must have been a sale at Pier 1 Imports... He also appears to be a clone of Alex Winters, although this might be deceiving. After all, with the state of Alex'es post-Bill and Ted career, it may actually BE Alex Winters.

Thongggg!: As is typical in Jungle Epic, the native speaks a complex language of grunts and guttural sounds. Considering the genre of flick this is, that'll come in handy later, methinks. Gwen goes through the old "You Tarzan, Me Jane" bit, then takes a giant leap for inter-tribal relations by going straight for his leopard-skin loincloth.

CPF, Primitive Piercing: Here we go again, folks... After some quick Undercarriage Adjustment by Gwen, she "teaches" him how to perform a RCPF. Which brings his Native, Jungleboy-type stainless steel earring into close proximity with the camera. I guess I'm not supposed to be looking at that. At this point, Gwen turns her head to the side... and instantly turns into a young Barbara Streisand. Well, THAT was disturbing!

Congress of the Howler Monkey: Babs.. uh, Gwen gets into it with some hightly appropriate simian-like noises. Meanwhile, the director gets far too fond of Tobangas' Jungle Butt, resulting in Pimple-on-the-Buttocks Cam. (FF time again, I think.) They segue into the...

Congress of the Tree Sloth: ...As Gwen practically scales a tree mid-boink. I'm just worried she's going to knock the whole thing over. (Damn wobbly sets...) Tobango is now joining the Contorted Expression crowd, swinging wildly between gritted teeth concentration and the occasional wild grin. (I could almost hear the "Dude! I'm gettin' some!" thoughts running through his head.)

Congress of the Electric Eel: Abrubtly, Mr Loincloth sped up so much I thought I'd sat on the remote control. Someone check the set, I think he just stepped on a live wire! Gwen doesn't seem to approve of the buttock-blurring action, assuming a pouty look that I'm guessing was meant to be sexy.

RSI Risk!: This continues for some time... so long in fact I was worried Tobango would either get a) A debilitating back injury or b)Severe friction burns. Luckily, Mr Grunting Savage has picked up on the concept of Safe Sex fairly quickly, apparently. I guess in this disease-ridden era we'll save the realism for the Discovery Channel.

Spurned by the Academy!: Finally, Tabango has his little death and we head back to Horatio. All is not well in Jades' world, it seems. She's lost out on a prestigious gong at the National Porno Awards and is kind of depressed. (I've always wondered what an award for Porn Stars looks like... and whether you have to change its batteries occasionally.) Horatio gravely tells us that Jade has plummeted into an abyss of drugs and alcohol. "Her doctors warned she had to stop.. or she was going to die!", he says. Cue...

Dr. Muppet: Man, this guy LOOKS like someone's guiding his movement via a strategically-placed hand. His one line is a beauty... "She wuz.... gonnadie." Thank you, Ralph... you may go back to holding the boom now.

Bad lesbian Parody: We head to a woman (Or possbly a man, it'd hard to tell) doing her best to look ugly and sexually repressed. She delivers an anti-porn diatribe about Jade... smell the subtle political humour. Or not. Onwards we go, as Jade shacks up with a talk-show host. (Supposedly a paody of Jerry Springer. I never caught the name they used, but I'm assured it was hilarious. Like all the others.)

CPF, Congress of the Intermittant "Blahs": Now THERE's an interesting technique! As Jade performs her requisite CPF, she makes a noise like a sick goat on each forward head movemenet. The overall effect of this is to make her sound like she's recalling Pauly Shore movies while "on the job"... "Biodome...BLAH! Son-in-Law... BLEEH!". A quick reversal and we're into the RCPF section of the encounter.

Humpback whale noises, micro-cheerleading: Wow, I thought Bridgette Kerkove made some bizarre sounds! Jade sounds like she's attempting to communicate with the aliens from Galaxy Quest. She's also holding her hands stiffly by her head like she started the "Y" in "YMCA" and got stuck half-way. I'm expecting her to bust out a restrained "Yay Team, if that's alright with everyone else..." chant any second now. Am I looking in the wrong place during these scenes or WHAT? Next thing you know I'll be criticing the furniture!

Congress of the Oily American Hero: I now note why this guy got the talk-show host part... the curly hair. It makes him look more like William Katt than Jerry Springer, I'm afraid. He's also sweating like a high-pressure sprinkler system. Yep, it's Joel Lawrence, folks! Bask in his glandular excess!

Congress of the Oddly-Contorted Couple: I hope Jade is insured... she looks like she's about an inch away from either getting KO'ed on the headboard or falling off the bed. Which would be more humorous than the attempted comedy seen so far...

Do Disturb: I noticed that the "Do Not Disturb" sign was hanging on the INSIDE of the rooms door about now. Can't wait to see the chambermaids face when she comes in to make up THIS room! At this stage, Ms DeNyle turns her head to the side... and transforms into former WWF superstar Chyna! That is NOT her best side, Mr Director!

Congress of the Bongo Drums: Man, this scene just won't end, huh? Joey is now playing a drum solo on Jades' rear end. What a charmer. My notes indicate concern that someone is going to drown in Joeys sweat... will SOMEONE get that man a towel, please!

Congress of the Boinking Bunnies: Great, more 3000rpm humping. What's worse, the cameraman decides to get up close and personal... while imitating their movements. The result could induce motion sickness.

Tonsil-cam: What is this camerajerk DOING? Checking her for cavities? Hasn't the poor woman had enough odd things in her mouth today? Wait, is it over? Oh, good. They finish off with the first appearance of a kiss in the flick. Ahh, who said romance is dead?

Dancing for Dorks: The story meanders into Jades first dramatic leading role... a murdered singer/pornstars' bio-pic. This neccesitates the hilarious sight of Jade lip-synching (badly) to a generic pop song while accompanied by...

The Amazing Pornstar Band!: I loved these guys for all sorts of reasons. Number one, their bands' interesting line-up... Three guitars, all acoustic, a drummer and an accordion player(!). Secondly for not letting their choice of instruments stop them from playing synthersiser-driven music. And finally, the fact that they all appear to be playing different songs at different speeds. They're being watched by the Worlds Ugliest Crowd, who are enjoying the night so much I figure the bars' beer only costs a nickel a bottle.

Groupies 'R' Us!: Jade heads off for a break, leaving her drummer to be seduced by a Generic Bar Bimbo. He deserves it, as he WAS the only "musician" staying even close to the songs actual beat. They indulge in some TW (Tongue Wrestling) before she stops and drops for the *yawn* CPF. My notes indicate I was far more interested in trying to work out what the drummers tattoo was. I narrowed it down to either two dead ducks strung on a fence, or a pair of pants hung out to dry.

Dinky Discipline! Twice!: A perplexing moment (For me, anyway) occurs as the CPF commences. The drummer... well, there's no easy way to say this in family-friendly terms. He starts gently thwacking her on the face with the Kielbasa of Love. Does ANYONE find that in the least bit odd? If I tried that, the wife would return the favour with the back of her hand! The director obviously liked that, as we're treated to the same sequence of events twice in a row. Short attention span, sloppy editing, or just a desperate attempt to pad the running time? (Future Skeeter: It was door #3, Bob!)

Congress of the Entwined Cobra: More TW-ing as they get to scrocking. I noted the erotica level of the flick at this stage. Low. Very Low. Like, two chipmunks mating on the Discovery Channel low. There's two pople having actual sex on my TV screen, and I'm wondering if I have time for a game of NHL '98 before bed.

Congress of the Twin Jell-o Moulds: The two have gotten into a rythym by now. One that makes Groupiegirls Dirtypillows look like waves are constantly rolling in on a surf beach. (I did note that "Brighton Beach Boobies" would be an excellent name for a British porn film.) Time to FF, yes? Yes, let's.

Nasal-cam! Congress of the Horny Toad(x2): Fun Fact: Holding a video camera eight inches from a womans face turns her nose into the Channel Tunnel. Back UP, Cameraman... you're not part of this tryst! Once again, we string things out by playing an entire sequence of grunting and groping twice. Is this some sort of test to see if we're paying attention? Or should I just put on my filthy raincoat and stop asking stupid questions?

Shaolin Wooden Extra: As the couple lie in the afterglow... well, sit on the stage in the afterglow... wait, I DID mention they were humping in full view of the Ugly-Ass extras, didn't I? Well, they were! Anyhoo, as they sit there, a guy rushes in and delivers his one line. "*Unitelligable Mumble*'s been shot!". It doesn't actually deserve the exclamtion mark, as he delivers it like Steven Wright's old "Monotonic" comedy act. Get back to your lighting, Earl!

Lame humour attempts: The longest non-boffing sequence of the "picture" follows as we chart Jades' relationship with "Muff Daddy". These are the jokes, folks! Muff himself gets some camera time, getting my biggest unintentional laugh of the night. Muff gets all "Yo, G!" with us... but keeps whipping his head around to read his out-of-shot script. It was nice of the Sleazy Producer from the first scene to let Muff use his office, though. Probably helped keeps the films costs down, too. We get some input from Gwen Summers, who almost gets brained by an errant...

Big-Ass Boom: Damn, that's a MAJOR boom-in-shot! Dammit, Ralph, hold the thing steady! Anyway, after Muff is arrested for shooting the Notorius P.I.G, (The laughs just keep on a'coming, huh?) there's some more scandal and a trial ahead for Jade. But she has a plan to sway the jury!

Re-use of Extras penalty, five yards!: And so we head to the deliberation room. Where all the Ugly-ass Extras from the Redneck Bar from Hell are now sequested as jurours. One new guy is there, acting as foreman. And guess who a random woman, possibly planted by Jade, (Although it's never really made clear) makes a bee-line for. And so Mr Foreman is suddenly the recipient of a...

Public CPF: The Mystery Fellators' technique is somewhat suspect, to my mind. I'm no expert, and far be it from me to critcise someones lovemaking skills... but she keeps MISSING! That's gotta lose points for style at least. Eventually, Mr Foreman helps out by pulling her hair out of her face. This didn't help me, though...

Headless Horseman?: ...Since the camera angle now suggested he was performing auto-fellatio with a severed head. I swear to God I was getting a wierd Nightmare Before Christmas vibe from this sequence. And so, to up the annoyance factor, we throw in a...

Vertigo-Inducing CPF shot: For Gods' sake, flip the camera back over, smartass! Who's directing this, Salvador freakin' Dali? Then we started getting some very off-putting...

Ugly Extra reaction shots: Since the other five jurours were still at the table, we cut to them a lot. Yes, there's a total of SIX people on the jury. Damn government cutbacks! One of the extras was someone that I hope NEVER asks for a particapatory role in porn... imagine this if you will. A hairline that's not so much receeding as actively retreating at full speed, teeth last seen on a white supremecist called "Cletus" who's guesting on "Springer", full-body designer stubble... and glasses purchased at Heinrich Himmlers garage sale. I'm no oil painting folks, but this guy made me recoil!

Hide the crystalware!: Mr Foreman decides to forgo the RCPF and instead heads in.. uh, "digitally". In fact, he does something overly complex, looking like a cross between an Adult Vulcan Mind Meld and a strange attempt at jump-starting the young lady. She responds by making noises like a cocker spaniel in a helium balloon. I became fixated on her bizarrely-located tatoo... right over her belly button. (Perhaps she was in the Naval Service? *rimshot*) What the heck was it? A maple leaf? A sharks jawbone? The Beasts' Mountain Fortress from Krull?

Congress of the Carwash: Note to aspiring porn-starlets. If you have long hair, try to avoid swinging your head back and forth. People may try to drive through your bangs. It's like, 3AM as I watch this tripe, so I FF again.

You're gonna lose an eye!: You could not pay me enough to have stilleto heels THAT long as close to my face as Mr Foreman is. The relentless padding continues as we keep cutting to a female jurour... who makes the same look of "Shock, surprise and mild disgust" each time. Why? Because it's the SAME FREAKIN' SHOT each time!

Congress of the Never-ending Boink: I was getting grouchy by now. I believe the expression "Just come already!" issued from my lips more than once. This endless rogering is just reaching new hieghts in tediousness. At long last, every reaction shot has been shown at least four times, Mr Foreman reaches his final verdict... so to speak... and we can wrap things up.

Final gag, The End: The last line sums things up... "And so, Jade Lo finally reached the reached such heights of fame... that they made a pornographic parody of her life!". It aint Oscar Wilde, but at least it's over.

Skeeters Summary: Well, at least now I know I'll never need to spend money on one of these things. Just the most tedious thing I've seen in years. Ugly-as-sin "actors", repetitive coupling, inanely pained expressions and some of the worst tatoos I've ever seen. I think I'll be sticking wth my static, artfully airbrushed Girls of Playboy. Thank you and goodnight.