REVIEW: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

A WORD OF EXPLANATION: On my previous website "Crab Chips", we occasionally (okay, twice) got together to do a Review Roundtable. That is, multiple reviewers, different movies, but a common theme. This is my review for "Oh, God!", a religious-themed flick Roundtable. (And one which took me two attempts to complete. Now, read on...)

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In the Beginning, there was Shatner. And he did stretch out his hand and say "Let there be..."

And the was a long pause.

And we waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Until...

'Light!" he did finally intone.

Okay, so Big Bill Shanter ISN'T the Almighty... But in the fifth big-screen Star Trek film, he DID get the chance to have a fist-fight with Him. (Well, kinda... But its theme is quasi-religious enough to qualify for the "Oh, God!" Roundtable.) And so, let's boldly go where no Shatner had gone before... And cast an eye over;

STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER.

Preview Time!: On the tape are the trailers for Back To The Future II (Hey, Huey Lewis music!), Uncle Buck (Tone Loc music!) and Sorry, Wrong Number. (Hey, a blantant rip-off of Pyscho's music!) The last film looked terrible, although it DID star Loni Andrerson and Patrick McNee(!!)...

Nimbus III, Hippie Central?: The film itself begins on the worlds Dustiest, Most Butt-Ugly Planet, Nimbus III. It's the "Planet of Galactic Peace", apparently... that turns out to be as ironic a name as "Perfection" was for Tremors.

Pale Rider: On the planet, a ragged-garbed dude scrabbles around in the dust. Up rides a be-robed guy. They exchange some estoric dialogue, until Robeguy makes Raggedguy an offer he can't refuse. "Let me share your pain" is said offer. Well, whatever presses your buttons, I guess. Whatever that means, Ragged Guy is suddenly a follower of RobeGuy. Which is good, as...

RobeGuy's on a quest: And not just a quest, but a Quest! In fact, THE Quest! The Quest for Ultimate Knowledge! We know it's all important and mystical as he urges Raggedguy to "Have faith", then chuckles away evily as we fade to the opening titles.

And there I ran out of inspiration to continue the review. Don't get me wrong... Star Trek V isn't a bad movie... not by a long way. It's just... decidely average. Despite running nearly two hours, I filled less than a third of a page with notes... less than I took for Psych-Out! for heavens sake! (Pun intended...) And while this was more the fault of the script, rather than the Shatner-in-Charge, I just didn't have the heart to deliver what would have been a rather dull (And fairly short) review. (Call it 2 Kiwis, tops...)

Back to the video store I trekked (*rimshot* Thank you, I'll be here 'till Wednesday!) and selected a replacement... And so, the Lair is kinda-proud to present;

HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH

Pre-Game Show: Previews-a-gogo on this tape... Posse. (Or "Nu Jack Dodge City") Weirdly, this Afro-American themed western was top-billed by Stephen Baldwin. (Third-runner up in the "Whitest Man Alive" contest, I believe...) Next, In The Line of Fire, which I already own, then Gross Misconduct. (Jimmy Smits in a courtroom drama from Australia? Looks like a TV movie with extra bonking scenes...) We go for our target audience next... Chopper Chicks From Zombietown, anyone? Striking Distance follows, before we round out the trailers with Simple Men... Boy, they just beat that film with the Quirkyness Stick, huh? On with the Main Feature!

Clive B Presents: Good old Clive Barker… Executive Producer, huh? So basically, you're getting paid for the use of your name, right? Good work if you can get it….

An Anthony Hickox Film: That name seemed damn familiar… it wasn't until the credit for editor came up that it struck me. The editor… one James D.R. Hickox… the auteur behind Blood Surf, no less. Can these two men be related? I'm venturing a tentative "Probably"... (Future Skeeter: Yep, they're brothers.) The rest of the credits list a cast of unknowns… save Doug Bradley, reprising Pinhead once more. Plus, a special appearance by Kristy, the heroine of the first two films.

Big Quiff Badboy: We open at the Pyramid Gallery, where a young man with some major 50's retro hair arrives to browse. He's our Designated Scumbag, J.P. He checks out the artworks, which have a distinct S and M thing happening.

Art is EVIL: The "art" that catches his eye, though is a big, rotating pillar. (With Embedded Puzzlebox at no extra charge.) He's approached by…

Kris Kristofferson? Nope… But man, does he look like him! (Well, he's got the Battlefiled Earth scraggly hair and beard look down, anyway.) Some dineros change hands, and JP is now the proud owner of the Artwork from Hell!

Joey the reporter and Camera-Dude: Cut to Joey, our Heroine of the piece. She's at a local hospital, hoping for a big story to kick-start her career as an anchor . Sadly, the ER is a tad quiet, to say the least. "Doc" , her cameraman, tries to console her, but fails, due to his severely limited acting range. (The last time I saw a character that wooden, I was seven and watching Pinocchio…) He gets called away to another story, allowing Joey to wander the remarkably dark corridors of the hospital. That's some lax security, in my opinion. Not to mention the fact that most hospitals I've been in haven't skimped on the lighting… Although that WOULD kill the spooky atmosphere they're aiming for.

Chicago Hopeless: Abruptly, we go all E.R, as a patient is rapidly wheeled in. (Appearing to have been involved an altercation with a Combine Harvester.) Joey proves to be an Ace Reporter, sensing the story potential in a man being impaled with dozens of blood-soaked chains. The mans' companion, a kind of Goth-lite chick, refuses to talk, bailing as all hell (Pun intended) breaks loose in the E.R.

Scanners!: Inside, Chainguys night has gone from bad to worse, with the chains doing a painful levitation act. (Quite an effective sight, actually…) Chainguy suffers a major Head Explody, causing our not-too battle-hardened reporter to deliver some Street Pizza all down the corridor.

Religion!: We cut to her heading home on the bus… hey, look! A sign telling you to prepare for the Second Coming! I KNEW this film qualified for the Roundtable! One of the films slight flaws becomes obvious here, as the bus is attacked by a Spring-Loaded…

Velocihobo?: Yup, a homeless guy bounces himself off the side of the bus, making a noise like the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. Throughout the film, Mr. Hickox continues to punctuate the action with over-the-top sound effects at odd moments. Constantly. Until you want to beat him with a Spring-Loaded Cat… We do spot we're in New York at this stage, thanks to a moody, rain-fogged shot of the Twin Towers.

Overactor video guy. The Boiler Room: At work, Joeys' interview style is analyzed by a rather over-eager young editor. (I'm now wondering if it was James D.R Hickox himself? Probably not…) Only Doc believes what happened to her at the hospital, but… "No footage, no story!"… I guess interviewing the eye-witnesses… ie. the doctors and nurses present… just wouldn't be newsworthy enough… Joey heads to a nightclub called "The Boiler Room", in search of Goth-Girl. The first thing we hear as she enters is a song about devils. (And that's what film-school refers to as "Foreshadowing", right? Just checking.)

Megadeth-lite: Man, does that band suck, or what? They're "Armored Saint", according to the credits… They include a member credited as "Gonzo"… I'm guessing he's the drummer. Joey asks around, getting directed to the Boiler Rooms…

High-class restaurant? Whaaaaa…?: Hmmm… thrash metal in one room, classical in another. That SO doesn't fit. I'm also wondering how J.P, the clubs owner (Bum bum BUM!) manage to afford this huge place. (As he looks all of about 25 or so…) He gets sleazy to Joey, who blows him off and departs.

Dream Sequence! (The 'Nam!): That night, Joey dreams about her father, who was killed in Vietnam. She's all traumatized, especially since she dreams of him being left behind while still alive. Since two other grunts get killed trying to rescue him, I'm siding with the chopper pilots call, yeah? She wakes, and gets a call from Terri, the Skanky Goth Girl.

Late-night chitchat: Terri comes to Joeys apartment… which is WAY too big for a lesser reporter to own. (She does mention that the bank still owns it, but given property prices in NYC, I think she's in some serious financial doo-doo…) They make some small talk, with Terri letting us know she doesn't dream. (Plot point! Well, it sounded like one… And probably would have been if Pinhead had been subbed by Freddy…) She eventually tells Joey where the chains that took out Chainguy came from…

Puzzlebox! Bum bum BUM! Which she just happen to have in her purse. This revelation actually gets a "Bum bum buh…." As the talented Mr. Hickox chops off the end of the music cue in his haste to get to an interesting scene. And they let this guy DIRECT? Yeesh…

Killer Rat attack!: At the Boiler Room, JP inspects his Evil Totem Pole of DEATH! Hearing a skittering noise from inside, he sticks his hand in a convenient hole and gets savaged by a big-ass rat. He flails around like Russell Crowe in a drunken bar-fight, spattering his blood on the pillar. Where it collects itself into a pool and siphons into one of the carved faces that adorn it. JP watches the whole affair and goes "Wow!". And promptly does nothing about it. I'd be heading to my local neighborhood Excorsists-'R-Us, personally.

Terri plays Martha Stewart: Komedy ensues as Terri tries to fix breakfast, nearly immolating the kitchen in the process. Afterwards, Joey and Terri head to the Pyramid gallery for a bit of Scooby-ing. It's locked up tight, and they're informed the owner has left town. ("Put out an APB on Kris Kristofferson, control..") Terri proves a whiz at breaking and entering, though, and they're soon going through the owners paperwork. (Nice ethical behaviour, Ms. Ace Reporter...)

Charnard Institute: Terri finds a Clue almost instantly... a drawing of the puzzlebox from the lunatic asylum the second film was set in. Continuity!

J.P picks his Bit of Fluff Du Jour: Back at the club, J.P puts the moves on a very blond, very acting-impared bar-floozy. (Helped by his sleazy bartender... Sin by Default.... he's dead!) She quickly succumbs to J.P's oily sleazeball tactics (And lousy Jack Nicholsen impersonation) and we head to a...

Random Gratuitious Sex Scene! (Graphic): I think J.P's sleazeball factor is driven home here... real gentlemen don't smoke DURING lovemaking. (Then again, Blondie never removes her thigh-high "Come Get Some" boots, so I guess they're even.) He also employs a strange boobie-fondling technique that makes it look like he's kneading bread for a complicated European loaf. At the... *ahem*... "climax" of the shagging, Trapped-In-A-Statue Pinheads' eyes snap open. Well, good one, J.P! You HAD to wake the powers of hell, by thinking with the little head, didn't you? Meanwhile, Terri moves in with Joey... They're the original Odd Couple!

ACT-ing! (Not), Skin optional...: Post-nookie, J.P tells Blondie to make like a drum and beat it... She's somewhat peeved by this, leading to a huge hissy-fit. (I guess she was aiming for "Righteously Pissed", but just hit "Annoyingly Shrill" instead.) Fortunately, Pinhead shuts her up by implaing her with chains, then ripping her skin clean off. FUN FACT: You can still scream like a fire whistle after being skinned. Pinhead sucks her into the pillar, leading to another wee bit of religion. (J.P "JESUS CHRIST!". Pinhead "Not quite"...)

Morality debate (With firearms!): Pinhead is still trapped in the pillar, however, so he begins the big Temptation schtick on J.P. (Including offering him a "Place at my right hand..." Man, when Pinheads on the Biblical Route, there's no stopping him, huh?) J.P opens fire with a handgun, Pinhead simply spits the bullets back out with a smug smile. (Dude, youre a demon... don't gloat, it's beneath you!)

Videotape Kristy (T2?): In the video suite, Joey watches a tape from the Canard Institue. On it, Kristy talks about demons, and gets a shade hysterical. Yes, this movie WAS made after Terminator 2, and yes... it DOES bear a passing Linda Hamiltons video-taped monolgue on the upcoming apocolypse. However, the tape suddenly suffers from beyond-the-grave interferance, as a man appears, exhorting Joey to help him. (As he's British, it's safe to asume that's Doug Bradley without the Pinhead makeup...)

Terri vs the Rubiks Cube: Meanwhile, Terri discovers the Puzzlebox has undergone a mysterious spring-cleaning. Since it's all shiny and enticing and stuff, she begins the usual Hellraising-type twiddling. Until she's disturbed by the phone. (Which REALLY needs servicing... oh, wait, it's Mr Hickox's spooky-type distorted sound effects again... On the line is J.P, who uses his usual greasy charms to try to lure her back. She blows him off in no uncertain terms and hangs up. The phone instantly rings again, so she shows a modicum of intelligence and switches him to the ansaphone. In a plot twist worthy of "days of Our Lives", it's not him... instead it's a phonecall for Joey, congratulating her on getting a new job in a different city. Well, that doesn't scan at all... who'd expend the effort to get a primo NYC apartment, then rush out and get a job that requires relocating. Anyway, Terris' all betrayed... smell the pathos. She rushes off to...

J.P's shag pad: Which, as previously mentioned is decorated in Early Gothic Bad Taste. J.P, sweating like a bastard, tries to lure her closer to the Pinhead Pillar. Joey has arrived home by now, finding a note from Terri calling her a liar. She reacts by going to bed... what a humanitarian.

Dream Sequence Redux (WWI): Back into Joeys head we go. This time, her subconcious is hijacked, and we're now in World War I. Around her, various stuntmen re-enact the Battle of Paschendale. (Actually, I have no idea WHERE they're supposed to be, as there's a wide vaiety of helmets on display... German, Turkish and some VERY World War II-looking ones as well.) She meets the British Guy again, who still needs her help.This scene reveals that un-latexed Doug Bradley has some major ears... Prince Charles must be a distant relative.

J.P, Evil SNAG: So, J.P is STILL trying to persaude Terri to approach the Pillar O' Doom, this time by being Mr Sensitive-To-Her-Feelings Guy. Boy, should THAT change in character be a big alarm bell for Terri. Finally, J.P relaises that, Hey, he's bigger and stronger than Terri and gets physical with her. Pinhead emerges as they struggle...

Power of the Punch!: However, Terri swipes J.P's brass knuckles and pops him a good one. With a charater as dislikeable as J.P, I'd be advocating putting the boot in, too...

Tempting, tempting, Pinhead gets loquaious, Headspikes!: She makes like a bunny rabbit and scampers... but Pinhead stops her with his DAMN VULCAN LOGIC.... Sorry, with some more of his evil-type temptations.(Which are pretty long-winded temptations... a forerunner to Hellraiser:Bloodline, where Pinhead just won't shut up! Basically, give Pinhead J.P, and SHE's getting the seat at his right hand. She doesn't even take a second to weigh up the options before tossin ol' J.P to the wolves. Geez, I know J.P was a prick, but that's just COLD! Anyhoo, J.P gets a dual-pronged spiky thing through the noggin, along with some fetching new leather bondagewear.

Pillar Explody!: J.P's blood is enough to release Ol' Spiky, who makes the pillar explode, along with extraneous goo and ooze. Mmmm, slime! That's what this flick was missing!

Radio Days, Through the looking Glass. WW I all over again: We head back to Joey, who's woken to discover an old-style radio in her closet. DREAM SEQUENCE! She twiddles her knobs a bit, (Stop sniggering...) until she hears Brit Guy. He gets her to open the curtains, revealing that Manhatten has been replaced by a shaven-headed guy fiddling with a Puzzlebox. She proceeds to walk throught the window, which pre-empts Keanu Reeves ripply-mirror tripping by about eight years... On the Other Side, we're back to World War I, albeit in that icky "Everybody's a stiff" phase of the battle. She encounters Brit Guy, who tells her he's...

Cpt. Elliot Spencer: [Robin Williams Imitating E.T Mode ON]Elliot! Elliot! I'm standing on my testicles! OW![RWIE.T Mode OFF]

Pinheads origins: Elliot takes us through his post-war life. Which was fairly short, due to opening the Puzzlebox and gaining a new, easy-to-manage hairdo. There's some continuity shown here, including scenes borrowed from Hellraisers 1 and 2. (As well as some re-created sets... a nice touch.) However, they explain Pinheads re-appearance after his apparent destruction in Hellraiser 2 by simply saying "The Evil was too strong to destroy."... I'd call THAT a cop-out. Elliot rounds things off by telling Joey that Pinhead is unable to simply take the box, and that he's "Very inventive". I think that's a cue for the Special Effects guys...

Club Poltergeist: Back at the Boiler Room, inaimate things suddenly begin to come to life. Pinhead makes his Big Entrance, impaling a few punters with his Extend-O-Chains. And it's suddenly all on, as we off the clubbers in as many innovative ways as possible. Including...

Ice, Ice baby!: A kind of proto-CGI effect that turns a drink into a Killer Icicle, and...

Death Metal!: The Flying CD's of Doom that impale the clubs DJ. The massacre continues unabted for a while before we head back to Joeys place.

False reporting, channel-surf cameo: Joey wakes to see live TV coverage of the slaughter, and quickly calls Doc. His TV is broadcasting something completely different, but he agrees to meet her there anyway. (In fact, we see that Joeys TV is totally unplugged. She HAS to do something about her short-term memory...) And suddenly, something hit me... I rewound, and sure enough, as Doc is flipping through the channels, there's a half-second shot of none other than Anthony Hickox. How could I tell? Because he's on a late-night talk show, with the caption "Anthony Hickox, Director" beneath him. I'm giving him bonus points for that one!

Doc jumps the gun, stiffs-a-gogo: Joey arrives to find the Boiler Room is somewhat under-staffed in the Cops and Paramedics department. Doc has beaten her there, and headed inside. So long, Doc... ya schmuck! Inside, she discovers the new decor is kind of Post-Modernist Open-Plan Morgue. Picking her way through the assorted cadavers, she finds a room decorated with candles, corpses and Doc. Pinhead meets her there and waxes poetic at great length. He makes a play for the box, but Joey uses her Girl Power to fight him off... and the footrace is on!

Everything Explody! She pelts off down the street... whereupon Pinhead uses the power of a Demonic Special Effects Budget to make pretty much the entire city explode around her. cars blow up, power lines topple, manhole covers erupt into the sky. Man, Pinhead has SO lost his subtle edge, huh?

Candid Camera, Doc Cenobite: Then, of course, it's time for the new and improved Cenobites to start showing up. Joey pauses for breath by a TV store. Suddenly, all the TV's light up with a picture of her. They're getting a direct feed from Doc, who has had his camera rammed through his head. He fires off a bad pun ("Ready for your close-up, Joey"?) before causing a Multi-TV Explody.

CD-Head Cenobite, Shaken-Not-Stirred Cenobite: Enter the former DJ, who can now fire razor-sharp CDs at people. And the sleazy bartender, who breathes fire. Right about now, the several hundred fatalities at the club, plus the dozens of explosions FINALLY summon NYC's finest. All three of them. (I'd have thought a few more cops might have showed, but maybe there was a special offer at Dunkin Doughnuts that night.)

Atomic gasoline! Church time!: The flatfeet open fire on the advancing Cenobites, so Bartender Cenobite tosses a cocktail shaker at them. "Gasoline!" shouts one cop. Bartender Cenobite then breathes flame at the cars... and both explode in twenty-foot high pillars of flame. Y'know, a Boston Shaker only holds around three glasses of liquid... I guess he was using REALLY high octane gas... Doc-Cenobite quips "That's a rap!". Enough already! The cenobites hardly even needed to speak... and when they did, their few lines were just plain EVIL. The last thing on their minds was a witty retort! Anyway, Joey pounds the pavement again to... a church! Which is ministered to by a typical Hollywood Preist-With-No-Life. (Anyone know a real-life preist who hangs around in his darkened chapel at 11pm, just on the off-chance someone drops by? Or a church that even still has it's door open that late if there's no service that night? No, me neither. In Hollywood, though... the poor guys are practically chained to the alter rail...

Stained-glass Explody, Desecration scene: In a display of equally-typical Hollywood preist behaviour, he scoffs gently at Joeys talk of Demons. "There's no such thing... They're parables", he counsels. Pinhead proves him wrong, blowing out all the windows on his way down the aisle. He procceds to melt Father ("Of Course I'm Irish, It's a Hollywood Law for Catholic Preists") O'Flanagans crucifix, trash the alter and perform a self crucifixtion with nails from his head. For an encore, he mocks the communion rite by forcing a piece of his flesh into the priests mouth. In all honesty, I see this scene as nothing more than a cheap attempt at inciting controversy. It adds zero to the plot, and makes Joey somewhat less heroic as she stands idily by and watches the action, before finally waving the puzzlebox at Pinhead to lure him away and bailing. Plus, we seems to teleport from the church to a quiet, deserted building site right afterwards. This after Joey couldn't run ten feet without having something explode next to her. And who arrives soon after but...

J.P Cenobite, Tracheotomy Terri Cenobite: You see, Terri? You could have just walked out the dor and left Pinhead stuck in the pillar. Now you've got a cigarette stuck in your throat and look like an extra from The Rocky Horror Show... Well, that'll teach you for consorting with the Powers of Darkness, young lady. The other Cenobites turn up, led by Dramatic Lighting Pinhead. He gloats away, while his minions prove to be less than competant at smiting people. Unless they're attempting to give Joey the Demonic Group Hug of Death, that is.

Soul Sucker!: Of course, Joey suddenly figures out how to open the box, utters the usual "Go to Hell!" line, and sends everyone wooshing back to the Hot Place. We cut back to the 'Nam for...

Reconcilliation... or is it?: Joeys father comes a'stumbling out of the greenery... Joey leaps to the conclusion that this is her reward for defeating Pinhead they share a tearful reunion. Well, she's tearful, he gives us an Evil look to camera over her shoulder. We're hardly surprised that when she gives him the Puzzlebox a few seconds later, he turns out to be Pinhead doing a world-class Dad impersonation. All looks lost, but beacuse Pinhead has entered Cpt Spencers purgatory via Joeys dreams (Or something like that...) he's fair game for a little Divin Intervention. And so, Spencer shows up, and we have the Big Showdown. Pinhead tries the old "Join me and you'll have everything you ever wanted!" line on Spencer. Since the last time he believed that resulted in a headful of spikes, Spensers' upper lips remains stiff, however.

Siamese-Twin Pinhead: Spenser and Pinhead enjoy a manly tussle, which Pinhead seems to win after absorbing Spenser into his cranium. (In an effects sequence that just hasn't stood the test of time, really.) Spenser is still kicking in there, though.... They fight for control of Pinheads body until Joey manages to re-open the box... and it's back to Hell for Pinhead! (At least until the brain-numbing third sequel, that is...) A brief, eye-catching epilogue later and we're done. The End. (Over the end credits, incidently, is a Hellraiser Theme Song... written by Ozzy Osbourne(!) and performed by Motorhead(!)... it's not quite up there with The Ramones "Pet Semetay", but it aint bad. There's also credits for other bands on the soundtrack... including Electric Love Hog, and The Chainsaw Kittens. Plus Tin Machine... David Bowie must be so proud...)

Skeeters Summary: I'm kind of torn here. The film actually had a fairly promising start, with some effective sequences and creepy moments. (Despite the parade of out-of-place sound effect scares.) But the graphic sex scene was a definite sign of things to come. Once Pinhead was out of the pillar... the film went downhill like a runaway train, and paved the way for the Direct-to-Video Hellraiser flicks to come. Over-written dialogue, bad puns, special effects and pyro simply tossed in because they had a big budget... Hell on Earth? No, but a Hell of a disappointment. On the positive sign... It's still WAY better than Hellraiser: Bloodline. But then again... EVERYTHING is better than Hellraiser: Bloodline... with the possible exception of Tom Green movies.