REVIEW: Shaker Run

New Zealand cinemas' boom-time was the 1980's. Due mainly to the government offering tax breaks to companies that financed films, local production was at an all-time high. (Quite often with mediocre co-productions between U.S and Kiwi backers, ala Battletruck and Race For The Yankee Zephyr.) One of the most successful films of the era was Goodbye Pork Pie, a good-natured, energetic chase movie that followed two men and a yellow Mini from one end of the country to the other. (While subtly showcasing New Zealands natural beauty, of course...) At the other end of the spectrum was the subject of todays review.

SHAKER RUN (1985)

Gentlemen, start your engines...

Preview Time!: Now THIS was an interesting choice of trailer... That's Your Funeral!, a Hammer Comedy Classic(!) from 1972! Imagine they decided to make "Carry On Undertaker" and you've got this film in one. Feuding undertakers, stoned mourners, boobie jokes... this movie has it ALL!

Mmm... donuts!: The movie proper starts off with a hot pink Trans-Am doing burnouts. On the side is a logo for "Helldrivers Stunt Circus". Watching on anxiously is our Studly Young Mechanic, Casey. (Leif Garret! No expense spared in getting star-power for this flick...) The car, driven by Judd (Cliff Robertson) spins about and charges the old ramp-jump-ove -old-cars setup.

Judd touches down; And proceeds to putt out during his approach, leading to an ignominious belly-flop on the first three cars. Somewhere, Evil Kanevil is crying, folks. Judd is okay, but concerned for his car. (Which they've named "Shaker"...) We cut from this touching, pathos-filled scene to the...

Pink Credits: Which features such familiar (To New Zealanders, anyway) names as Ian Mune and Peter Hayden. (Hardly a surprise, as filmakers in the 80's seemed legally obligated to have Mune, a prolific producer/director/actor, make at least a token appearance in their films.) Hayden would later narrate nature documentaries on TV.

Fun-sized citadel. Badguy!: During the credits, we see a helicopter, ferrying our Designated Evil Man to a fairly un-imposing manor house. Generic Henchpeople are guarding it, all in grey fatigues and black berets. (My notes later refer to them as the "Dull Grey Resistance". Vive le blandness!) Inside, we discover the house is being used for biological research. Evil Guy is "Mr Thoreau" and is played by Shane Bryant, who resembles a cut-rate Christopher Walken. He projects menace by affecting a English accent. (He seems to be aiming for "Icy", although "Uptight and Gay" was the vibe I got.) He's informed by Michael (Peter hayden) that an accident with a mutated virus has resulted in three scientists being exposed. As we watch, one has just expired.

Condom-head lady: Also watching is Dr Christine Ruby (Lisa Harrow), wearing a ridiculous anti-bacterial outfit that includes a pink, rubber head covering. Which looks EXACTLY like some rolled a gigantic novelty condom over her craniumn, then cut out a section for her to see out of. The scientists inside the room also wear these, with the addition of a huge bubble helmet, apparently stolen from a 50's sci-fi film. (Ultra-safe Sex on Saturn!)

FM2 Virus: The "FM2" virus has mutated, it seems. (Previously, it only picked up the AM stations... *rimshot*) It has in fact "Turned lethal". Well, duh. Christine seems concerned.

Crusty Judd and Curly Casey: Meanwhile, Judd and Casey hang out in their trailer. They're also concerned, manly about their lack of moolah. They mull it over, while simultaneously discussing ntheir backstory for our edification. (Promoter bailed on them, no cash, stuck in New Zealand.) Casey complains he hasn't had a Kiwi woman yet. That's a worry. Most Irish backpackers can score before they leave the queue at Customs... Maybe he should fake an accent?

Still wearing the rubber: We cut to a briefing, given by Dr Thoreau himself. The EVIL doctor assures everyone he's handling the situation, and won't call in the military. Christine watches, still concerned. Apparently. She hasn't had a line yet. We cut from the briefing to Christine at Michaels house, wearing only a sheet. Ah, so the headwear WAS a subtle "Safe Sex" message! She's all upset about her fellow scientist dying from the virus and decides "we have to steal it!". Umm.. Why? Oh, that's right, because there wouldn't be a movie, otherwise. We now hear her accent. English. Man, where was this movie filmed again? What with Cliff Robertsons "Good Ol' Boy" growl, Leifs "Gosh and gee whillikers" down-home Americano and the two English-Public School speakers, Peter Hayden sounds like the foreigner of the piece!

Scenic Drive: Christne and Michael discuss stealing the virus while driving. (And listening to some VERY generic jazz, I might add.) They need a driver to transport the virus. A good one. Hmmm... I wonder where this is leading? After showing off some picturesque farmlands, we're back at the house. Michael makes a phone call. Is she Sleeping With the Enemy? Bum bum bum!

Pukehiki!: No, that's not a Kiwi-ism for "Gosh, I have drunk to much and am now ejecting my stomach contents in the gutter." Besides, "puke" is pronounced "pook-y" in Maori. (Leading to the hilarious sight of Estelle Getty coming to New Zealand for a telethon in the 80's and having to pronounce the placename "Te Puke".) Anyway, Pukehiki is a wide place in the road where Judd and Casey are promoting an upcoming show. As they drive off, Michael and Christine also happen to be driving along the same strech of road. Judd decides he doesn't want to be overtaken and we get a...

Spontaneous Chase Scene! Well, not really... Judd just floors it and leaves them in his dust. And we abrubtly cut to Casey and Judd at the pub. A complete armpit of a pub, really... although most places still looked liked that in the 80's from all accounts. It does have one thing going for it, though...

80's Synth Rock!: And despite the dive of a bar, the band is fronted by Kiwi recording artist Shona Laing. Judd and Casey re-affirm their American-ness by drinking Budweisers, the empty cans displayed prominently on the table. They also toss around some more backstory. (Casey idolised Judd during his racing days, Caseys father is dead, etc.) Judd brings over some local ladies, and we head to Caseys hotel room for some...

Pitch-black, heavily accented sex!: I mean, it's literally two vague shadows disrobing and talking. Caseys Kiwi conquest has one of the most pronounced Kiwi accent I've ever heard, incidently. It's more like an Australian doing an over-the-top impersonation of a Kiwi twang... I mean, I LIVE here, and I could barely understand her! As they fall on the bed to complete the dirty deed, we thankfully cut back to the Manor house.

Blakes 7?: Man, the costumes are just getting better and better! Now out Intrepid Scientist is wearing a tringular smock with purple edging! Couple that with her English accent, and we're right back to a mid-70's BBC production. Michael assures her he has a contact for when they snatch the virus... the mysterious "Barry". (He's American, it seems. Well, that's a relief! We can always trust the Yanks! Even though this movie was made right about the time our government pissed off Uncle Sam royally by banning nuclear-powered ships in our waters...) I should point out these two are discussing their plans at work, which hardly seems a sensible idea. Then again, we see where the virus is stored... it's in a vault located in a room where beakers of Mysterious Coloured Liquids(tm) are sitting (unlabled!) on open shelves. Presumably these beakers are later placed over bunsen burners to become Mysterious Bubbling Liquids(tm).

Petrol-head heaven!: That night, we head to Judds stunt spectacular! (Which Christine just happens to be attending.) It's at a local A & p show, the kiwi equvialent of a county fair. Judds' stunt (Yes, his "Auto Circus" only has ONE trick!) goes better this time, making a pyro-laden jump over some cars. (He does loose the hood of his car en route, though.) It does nothing for thier finacial predicament, since the $130 they earn helps them break even on the night. But, lo and behold, guess who shows up at thier trailer? She tries to hire them for a 4-hour job, no questions asked.

$1000! $2000! Ah, ha-ha-haaa!: Christine won't tell them what's being transported, though. Despite Judd being in the fiscal cactus, he turns down the job, not wanting to drive "blind". Christine departs, leaving Judd to remark "I might have done it for twenty-five hundred..."

Casey gets greedy!: He chases down Christine and offers Judds services for... $3500. She bargains him to 3G's (Handing him a grand in cash up front) and we're finally ready for the action! But first, there's some male bonding and a character trait for Casey. (Judd refuses to make the run without his mechanic, but Casey hates being in the car when Judd speeds. Wuss.)

Tourists=Queenstown?: The next day, Christine meets her contact at a tourist-frequented lookout. (As my notes indicate, I was trying to figure out which city this was located in... The film seemed to specialise in generalised descriptions. "Meet me at the train station", and the like. In the end, it's NOT Queenstown as I surmised... sure looked like it, though.) "Barry" arrives, disguised as a sketch artist. He's played by... Ian Mune. And so, we're treated to the surreal sight of one of New Zealands most respected directors of the 80's affecting a broad faux-American accent. (Who cast this thing?) He also has a HORRIBLE haircut, which looked like a bald-spot comb-over that had gotten totally out of hand. He pays her the 3 thou... which turns out to be 3 thousand AMERICAN! In adjusted Kiwi dollars, these two are getting one HELL of a payday for the four hours they expected to drive.

Biohazrd!: And so, we get the big "Steal the virus" scene. Security seems slightly lax, as the virus vault is neither alarmed(!), nor locked(!!), meaning the robbery goes off fairly smoothly. Christine meets up with Our Heros. Judd grumps that she's late, which she blames on traffic. (This seems a lame excuse, seeing as we now appear to be in Dunedin, hardly the traffic congestion center of New Zealand...) Judd still wants to know what he's carryng, but Christine won't spill the beans. (Although the huge "Biohazard" warning label on the box might give it away.)
Nevertheless, they set out on the four-hour trip. Meanwhile, back at the Stately Pint-sized Manor, the theft has been discovered!

Camp villian! A map!: Thoreau is informed of the theft by one of his subordinates. (Making him get prissily mad.) A quick headcount has revealed only one missing employee. However, Thoreau has developed ESP recently, seeing as he's already got an 8x10 glossy of Christine on his desk(!) and even knows she's sleeping with Michael.(!!) Back in the car, Judd points out their location on a map, waving his finger in the general area of Dunedin. Good, I'm orientated now...

High-speed sheep!: The trio set off at high-speed. Thanks to a hood-mounted camera, we get lots of scenes of sheepies in paddocks whipping by us. Gotta reinforce the stereotype, huh? Into the high country we go, as evidenced by the snow-covered plains. The open-topped Trans-Am no longer seems the smartest choice for the conditions, in my opinion.

Unsafe at any speed: Judd punches it, his speedo hoving at around 140mph... but he assures Christine we're just "cruising". Ahh, Judd... you're such a lovable old high-speed hooligan! Casey is looking green in the back, of course.

Oily henchdude. Handy!: Meanwhile, Michael gets an unwelcome visit from Thoreau and his chief Henchman. (Who's hair is so slick, I'm surprised oil companies aren't bidding for the drilling rights to it...) Thoreau acts as archly evil as possible, while insinuating that Michael is spying for the CIA. (Or something... the plot is pretty much secondary to the car in this film.) He decides to 'send a message' to the Americans, meaning Oily Henchdude places his silenced pistol to the palm of Michaels hand. We cut away before he shoots. (Or does he? Stay tuned...)

Nightfall... Overdue? Nope: Out on the road, Judd checks his map. I figured he'd gotten lost, but Christine assures us it's 6:55 PM, and they're right on time. (That fits I suppose, although it looked earlier that 3PM when they left Dunedin.) The next scene is pretty much shot in complete darkness, meaning it gets dark REALLY early in the South Island. They arrive at their location, and not only do I recognise it, I've actually BEEN there!

Clyde Dam!: I saw this bohemoth while it was still being constructed... the project mired in mammoth budget overruns, near-constant delays and public debate. It was here that the first seeds of doubt crept into my mind about time and distance. If we say that Judd drove for 4 hours non-stop at a (VERY conservative) estimate of 100mph, they travelled at least 400 miles, right? Heading due west, they would have not only overshot Clyde, but would also have overshot the WEST COAST of New Zealand, ending up about a hundred miles out in the Tasman Sea. In fact, had they headed north instead, they would have travelled almost the entire length of the South Island. I confirmed my hypotethis via the "Lonely Planet" guide to New Zealand. (Their map confirmed that the entire COUNTRY is only 1000 miles long, including the Cook Strait. I also spotted the gloriously-named "Shag Point" just North of Dunedin. Presumably, that's named after the bird...)

Goon Squad ATTACK!: Barry arrives in a helicopter, but the Light Grey Militia suddenly appear, opening fire on him with machineguns. (And HOW exactly did they know where the hand-off was going to be? Beats the hell out of me...) As Barry bails, Judd makes a break for it.

Disorganized crime/friendly fire: The bad guys give chase in a blacked-out van, of course. After some tyre-squealing laps of the area, one fires a rocket launcer at our heroes. And blows up the van instead. Judd notes "These guys can't shoot for shit!" as the trio make their escape. I'm in full agreement, buddy... The next morning, Shaker is parked another place I've visited... on the shores of lake Whakatipu. Which, for those umfamiliar with my country is in...

Queenstown!: The fact it took them all night to get there is slightly odd, though... It's all of an hours drive from Clyde, after all. Christine calls Barry as an ominous helicopter flies around the ciyt. Inside, is Thoreau, having used his incredible Plot Telepathy to discern exactly where they fled to. Somehow, the act of using a public pay phone allows Thoreaus men to pin-point their location, as a High-Ranking Bad Guy informs Thoreau of their position mere seconds after Christine places the call. (This henchman does show us the Evil Science Guys are politically correct... He's of Maori descent.) My fiancee Dawn came into the room at this point and asked what our heroes were doing. When told they were trying to escape detection in the most conspicuos car in the country, she offered her opinion of Shakers paint job, calling it a...

Pink Poofter Car: Pretty accurate, in my opinion. Anyhoo, the bad guys spot Shaker and we get another...

Scenic Chase: This time around the streets of Queenstown. For the second chase scene of the movie, there's not another car to be seen in the entire town. (Giving the impression the virus has already decimated the population ala "The Stand".) Eventually, the bad guys miss a corner and do a...

Silver Streak(er) Run: Driving straight into the front of a small shop. Okay, they can't shoot and they can't drive, either. Why DO people hire such goof-off henchpeople?

Judd projects menace!: The trio end up out in the ciuntryside again. Here, Judd gets all manly-man, demnanding to know what's in the box. (Even shoving Christine around some.) Casey plays peacemaker, and we eventually get some backstory of the FM2 Virus. Hmmm, destroys the immune sytem, huh? Taking into account the year it was made, I guess AIDS was invented in New Zealand... sorry 'bout that!

Incoming!: Things hot up again as a chopper is heard in the distance. They pile into Shaker and bail. Because in 1985, the only helicopters in the country were used by ruthless killers. (Except Barrys CIA chopper, although I SUSPECT it was probably the same one. The production doesn't look like they could afford to hire a second.) Meanwhile, Barry himself is now in Queenstown (How did HE know where to go? Was there a memo, or something?) And with him is...

Michael, the quick healer!: Yes, while Mikes last scene ended with him having a gun pressed to his palm, this plot point seems to have been dropped. He's not bandaged or bloody, and makes no reference to the incident. Guess they were just fooling around...

Send in the Armed Offenders Squad!: Back to Thoreau and Oiluy Henchdude. They've flown to some un-named city, ready to intercept Shaker. (The car was apparently "spotted" on the coast road... with WHAT? Sattellite reconnisance?) Oilyguy has spun the local cops a tale of Judd and Casey kidnapping Christine... with the bonus of Casey being suspected for "multiple rapes". The cops instantly set up a roadblock, rather than...

a) Checking their records for the reports on the "multiple rapist".
or
b) Wondering who in the hell the well-informed Oily Henchdude is...

The cops also have an interesting approach to a roadblock. Namely, get everyone who was on-duty to show up, wether they'd be helpful or not. The two Armed Offender cops (ie. the only Kiwi cops who routinely carry guns) are good. The dog handler(!!) is probably out of his element in a high-speed chase.

Leif sings!: Unaware of these lightning-fast preparations, Shaker continues onwards. Casey is singing to himself, but wether it was actually one of Leif Garretts songs, I don't know. (He was before my time... and before this movies' time, in all honesty.) Meanwhile, Christine asks Judd why he doesn't race. Casey tries to change the subject, but Judd finally lets fly with the Tragic Backstory. (He did race, but killed his pit chief at Daytona when he came in too fast. Not tragic anough for ya? Said pit chief was Caseys dad, too. Smell the pathos.)

Shortcut!: The story lasts just long enough to get us to the roadblock. Cue more high-speed maneuvering as Judd swerves into a convient container terminal, persued by two cop cars. And Oily Henchdude, who steals a police motorcycle to join the pirsuit. Shaker busts some vehicular mnoves inside a warehouse, exiting off a ramp stacked with cardboard boxes. (And one stuntmamn.. uh, dock worker on his lunch break. His sandwiches receive minor injuries.

Moron-henchman: Meanwhile, Oily Henchdude jumps off a relatively small ramp and falls off his motorcycle. What a dick. Judd avoids the cops by boarding a soon-to-depart container ship. (I'm guessing this section takes place in Timaru, a port city halfway between Dunedin and Christchurch. Never been there, but the Lonely Planet Guide calls it a "pleasant little port". They also recommend a deli called the "Coq and Pullet". 'Nuff said.)

Arrested at sea: Thoreaus never-fail psychic powers are no match for the trios cunning plan, however. He calls the ships (Australian) captain, who, having confirmed Thoreaus "authority"(?) with the police, agrees to capture our hereos. The three, having evaded capture by highly-trained(?) mercanaries for the last hour of screen-time, are in the brig in nine seconds. The ship heads to Wellington, so Judd, resigned to his fate, takes a nap.

Land-ho! And so, after some shots of the ship at sea, we see it enter the harbour. Casey, having done bugger all for most of the movie, suddenly works out an escape route!

Vent-zilla!: Man, he JUST noticed that humongeous vent? Lucky he was able to remove all its screws in five minutes, using only a coin! (It's Casey Houdini, folks!) Oddly, behind the giant vent, there's nothing but a blank wall. Which Casey is able to bust through with a running jump. I guess the cover was there to protect the large sheet of balsa wood they used to replace an actual wall. They scamper for Shaker, and it's time for a stunt. In fact, it's a...

STUNT!: In which they leap the car off the back of the ship, onto the dock. WHY the ship had opened the rear hatch before docking is beyond me. Or HOW, for that matter. Anyway, the chase is on again, with Shaker proving to be bullet-proof. (Easily shrugging off some machinegun rounds from the Beret Boys. Thoreau and Oilyguy give chase as Judd takes a wrong turn, heading INTO the city centre, rather that away from it. Thus starting the...

Capital Chase!: Ahh, the big action sequence... a tyre-blistering car chase through the streets of Wellington. Oddly, the only thing I noted about it was a "Europa" petrol station... mainly because they don't exist anymore. Oh, and the...

STUNT!: Of Thoreaus car doing a roll-over after hitting a parked car. In case you're asking, no, Shaker had nothing to do with it. They just basically crashed. *sigh* This sequence DID give me a genuine laugh, though. Due to the...

Worlds best car salesman!: You see, right before the roll-over, we cut to the interior of a car salesroom. (Getting a big plug for Kirk Motors as we do.) Here a salesman is showing off a powerful sportscar to a businessman. "Might be a bit grunty for the suburbs, sir." he opines. After the crash, Oily Henchdude storms into the store and demands the keys. "Drive carefully, sir!" says the salesman, seconds before OH drives out through the front window. The line that actually got me, though? The salesman views the destruction of his storefront, waits a beat, then turns to his client. "You see sir, THAT'S the type of man who needs a car like that! You might be more interested in this...". Rule number one... NEVER lose a sale!

Rural Run: Out into the hills we go, with Judd having a hard time passing a stocktruck. Behind him, the Oily Henchdude catches up in his supercharged Capri. (I learned that from the dialogue... I'm not much of a car buff.) They have a kind of low-budget Bond chase over the hills, with Oily Henchdude trying to bump Shaker off the road. Then, he draws level and proves to be a better shot than the rest of the villians. (Tagging Judd in the arm.)

VERY Oily villian!: In a moment of supreme irony, Casey punctures some containers of oil and tosses them at the Capri. Despite them bouncing off the windshield, the thrid makes Oily Henchdude crash the Capri into a cliff face. Enraged, he staggers from the car, and...

He's trucked! Right into the path of the aforementioned stocktruck. Who are these guys, the Suicide Squad?

Out in the fields/Dr Ruby, medicine woman: Our hereos find a some pleasant farmland, where One-armed Judd hides Shaker in a barn. Christine decides his arm needs attention, so she borrows a knife off Casey. "I'd rather see a doctor" says Judd. "I AM a doctor", Christine replies. Wow, a scientist AND a doctor? Our education system must be improving! Meanwhile, Thoreau marshalls the rest of the Incompetent Marines and surrounds the barn. (Look, I don't KNOW how he knew where they were, okay? So stop asking!) He tries to talk them out with a megaphone, although his "We only want the virus... we won't hurt you!" spiel is less than convincing. As Christine and Casey load Judd into Shaker, he creeps toward the barn, gun in hand. (A wussy six-shooter, too. Suits him down to the ground.)

Teleporting!: Thoreau gets off a shot, having somehow materialised INSIDE the barn, just before Shaker roars off again. This time with...

Casey at the wheel!: And here we go again! Within seconds they're driving about near a cliff-top, persued by no less than five blacked-out vans. One hilarious shot shows Shaker from above, being persued (Very slowly to stay in shot) by several vans. Substitute Black Riders for vans and an elf on a horse for Shaker, and you'll see that Peter Jackson SO stole from this film! Not.

Americans to the rescue! Self-induced crash?: Barry and Michael arrive in a helicopter about now, lowering a hook on a cable for the virus. By now I've stopped trying to figure out how EVERYONE knows where that frigging pink car is. Even a bad plot device like a homing beacon in the suitcase would have been welcome about now. Behind Shaker, a van smashes into a fence post. For no apparent reason. Christine refuses to simply hook the case onto the cable, securing it to Shaker instead.

The Lemming Mafia!: Seconds later, Casey drives Shaker over the cliff. Remarkably, the relativly small chopper bears the weight of the car and its three occupants. Behind them, the villains (Thoreau included) proceed to drive heedlessly over the cliff. Yes, Virginia, the cars DO explode on impact with the ground. Glad to see you've learned something. And so our hereos fly off into the sunset, as Judd gets the final line.

"Hey Casey, maybe we could add this to our act? (beat) Okay, maybe not."

The End: And we're done. The final credits thank the Ministry of Transport for their assitance, and finish with "Everyone drive home safely!". Gee, it's a message flick!

Skeeters Summary: Well, it's about as deep as The Fast and the Furious, with about the same levels of acting. Cliff Robertson does well with what he's given, delivering a workmanlike performance. Leif Garrett is given very little to do, relegated to sitting in the backseat and fire off the occasional quip. (He does ask "Why am I making jokes at a time like this?" during one bullet-ridden chase scnee... a valid query, really. I doubt I'd turn into Henny Youngman if someone was trying to whack me...) But in the end, the one-note villian and bad script sink it. The great Kiwi Chase Movie did recover in the 90's though, with Temuera "Jango Fett" Morrisons' sadly-underrated Never Say Die. I did learn several valuble lessons from Shaker Run, though.

1)It's always easier to win if you're enemies are all totally incompetent at evrything they do.
2) Kiwis don't do "Evil" very well.