REVIEW: Mr Magoo

SKEETERS' NOTE: The "High Noon" Challenge was from the B-movie Message Board. Simply put, you either made yourself available for a challenge, or stepped up to the plate and delivered one. Each participant offered the other two movies to watch and review. I can never refuse a challenge.

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At times, I look at myself and say... "Steve... you're a schmuck.". For instance, when the "High Noon" challenge started, I didn't HAVE to leap into the fray and accept Hen Grenades challenge. And after I discovered a "Hire one, get one free" coupon for my local video barn, I didn't HAVE to pick up BOTH his chosen flicks. And once I did, I didn't HAVE to watch both of them. But I did.

I'm a schmuck.

Oh well... If Hen finds and watches Street Wars, I probably deserve exactly what I get. Let us begin with the Comdey-With-A-Capital-K family romp....

MR. MAGOO (1997)

Preview Time!: See, this is why I like videotapes at times... I miss previews when I hire DVD's. On this one, Kippendorfs' Tribe, which I've already seen bits of on TV. Bleeh. Then, Angels in the Endzone, starring Christopher Lloyd again. Hmmm, a direct-to-video-looking sequel to a remake. I'll pass, it looks like a long bomb. (*rimshot*)

Cartoony Titles: We open with the credits incorporated into a new Mr Magoo cartoon. (With the original voice and all, unless it's a very good impersonation. The cartoons are, what., thirty years old at least?) The cartoon is about as funny as the old ones were... ie. not at all. I'll level with you. I HATED Mr Magoo as a kid. Thanks, Hen. Interesting names on the cast and crew list, though...

Stanley Tong! Malcom McDowell!: Yowza... A Disney comedy directed by Stanley "More kicking!" Tong. What's wrong with THAT picture? Malcoms' playing the main villain, but his part is pretty minor all the same. (Not as minor as SOME characters would be, but he's definately in it for the paycheck.)

Plot Radio!: Well, TV... the cartoon ends with a cartoon reporter bringing us up to speed with the plot. It seems the worlds most valuble ruby, the "Star of Kiristan" is about to be displayed at the Magoo Museum. Magoos car pulls up, disgorging our star... Mr. Leslie Nielsen. Could someone PLEASE send him a script that's NOT a knockabout comedy one of these days? The man CAN do other things, and in fact used to be very much the square-jawed hero in the 50's and 60's. But since The Naked Gun, he hasn't had a role that doesn't involve multiple sight gags, and with each one, the scripts are getting lamer by the second. Rant over.

First Sight Gag (Pun intended): Witness our first Magoo-ism, as he plucks the wax cherry off a womans hat and eats it. Oh, the near-sighted hilarity. Magoo exchanges some extraordinarily flat dialogue with his nephew and Stacy Sampanahoditra from the Kistani Foreign Office. (Who's really very... American, despite the tongue-twister of a surname.) Humourously (apparently), Waldo becomes a stuttering mess around Stacy. Ooh, I smell a romantic subplot in the making! Joy. The upshot is that Magoo eventully invites Stacey to the opera he's in the next night.

Someone's gonna lose an eye!: We head to the ribbon-cutting ceremony to open the exhibition... and if you guessed that Magoo gets to wield the giant scissors, congratulations. You're correct. Magoo snips a power cable instead, electrocuting himself fatally and bring the movie to an abrubt end. Oh wait, that was just my wishful thinking. Instead he causes a panic as lights blow out and cables spark. Magoo tries to find a callbox, resulting in some Komedy From the Mummys Tomb. (I'll spare you the details.) Eventually, we cut to Later That Night.

Emma Peel goes bad?: Enter our Villans... One of whom is a catsuit-wearing young lady, the other our Henchdork. (We first see him unable to work out the mechanics of a ski mask.) Look, TEST the intelligence of your flunkies before hiring them, Megavillains! It'll save a lot of lost productivity as you rot in the slammer due to their boneheaded mistakes... They do a "Mission Impossible", rappelling into the gallery where the ruby is being displayed. This gives us the first real look at the aforesaid gallery... and BOY, that place is more cluttered than my bedroom! Full-sized Dinosaur models, Egyptian artifacts AND the rubys display case. It looks like they've hidden the gem in a surprisingly well-appointed warehouse. Catsuit Girl drops in first, using a mounted pteryldactyl as cover from a security guard. Oh, THAT's why it's there. She's followed by...

Dino-Geek!: The Bumbling Henchguy tries the same technique, falling off of course. He lands on a brontosaurus and does a head-first Flintstone Quarry Exit, destroying the rubys case in the process. Anyone elses sides splitting yet? Didn't think so. This does of course alert Security, but first we're blessed with the retrun of...

Mr McPause: As Magoo emerges from the casket at long last, still talking to the "injured" occupant. What the HELL has he been doing in there for the last hour os so? On second thoughts, scratch that... I don't want to know. Mild Heck breaks loose as a security guard arrives for a brief standoff, before the Pterydactyl breaks loose from it's moorings and gives the scene a merciful, though slapsticky death. The upshot is that Catsuit Girl escapes with the gem as Magoo wanders out the Emergency Exit.

Pee=Pee is funny!: The next morning, we get to meet Angus, Magoos bulldog... who starts his morning by peeing at length. (Into a chamberpot with a hydrant target, it appears. Thankfully, this is more implied than shown.) The still-oblivious-to-the-nights-events Magoo rises, and heads out to the car.

Gone fishin!: Which, in one of the better ideas, has been fitted with a perscription windshield by Waldo. Their second car is shaped like a giant Eggplant. Wonder if we'll be seeing THAT Comedy prop again? Back at the museum, the feds arrive.

Ernie Hudson!: Lots of embarrased actors in this one, huh? He's representing the CIA, but there's an FBI agent there too. These two bicker away at each other throughout the film in a purpotedly amusing fashion. They quickly come to the conclusion that Magoo was working with Catsuit Girl, having caused a distraction at just the right time for her to escape. Stacy argues that he's a very wealthy man, so Ernie retorts "I don't know, people are eating a lot more fresh food these days...". I admitted confusion until Dawn pointed out an early line indicating Magoo made his money from canned food. So where does the eggplant come from? (I've never seen canned eggplants before... wouldn't they go all squishy?)

Luanne and Morgan, Komedy Music!: We learn the names of our jewel theives at this point. They exchange some witty dialogue. (As evidenced by the most cliched "wah-wah-wahhhh" musical sting I've heard in years!) Thanks for the hint, though. I might have missed the "gags", otherwise. The "funniest" was Luannes' seductive "I could take you places you've never been before..." Morgan: "I've never been to Toronto." They're on a yacht, and it quickly becomes evident that Luanne wants sole possesion of the...

Rubber Ruby?: The Star of Kiristan appears to have been created in a jokeshop in Taiwan. I swear if you dropped it, it would bounce back into your hand! Luanne still wats it, going so far mas to pull the old "Seduction" ploy on Morgan. He of the Room-Temperature IQ (And I'm talking Celcius, here...) falls for it, of course. So she goes Jackie Chan on him, karate-kicking him in the chops. Morgan falls off the boat, but takes Luanne with him. And just at that point, who should be casting off nearby?

Crotch gags are funny!: Ooh, he's caught a tiddler! Much crotch-rending violence later, Magoo lands Morgans pants, then accidently beats him senseless(er) with a paddle. If you guessed the ruby also ends up in Maggos possesion about now, you're right again! It lands in his tackle box as he sails off. They return to shore to re-enact a ga straight from the cartoon, as Magoo uses a paddle steamers paddle wheel as an escalator. Morgan tries the same, suffering the fate of the Unfit Gerbil.

Malcom McVinci: Later that same film, we finally meet the Main Badguy, Mr... Something starting with "C". I forgot to note it down. I'll call him "Mr Corvette" for now, since it's a cool car. We find him sculpting, leading to a long scene where Morgan breaks one of his satues, then tries to conceal that fact. It's Art-Mangling Hilarity! Mr Corvette reveals that theirs an intenational gathering of nogoodniks are arriving to bid on the ruby... including the feared, though never-seen Mr Peru, AKA "The Pirhrana". Ooh, scary.

Stacy, the clothes-horse. Magno-Rabbit: Meanwhile, Stacy arrives at Magoos house for the opera, in an outfit apparrently borrowed from a "Miss World" contestant. Y;know, when they don their "Native Costume". (Which is really embarrasing for Miss New Zealand... one year they dressed her up as an All Black rugby player!) Magoo sends Waldo and Stacy out to the garden to get better aquainted, while he plays Fetch with Angus. Using the Ruby, of course. One fling out the window and the ruby magically attaches itself to one of Magoos surrealist topiraries. It was actually a squirrel, but whbo can tell, huh?

Bugs Bunny Disguise: To the Opera House we head, where Luanne arrives, dressed as a reporter. Of course, due to Magoos' much-celebrated short-sightedness, she could have probably turned up completly naked and still fooled him. (And it would have made the film about a thousand times more interesting, too!) She adopts the name "Prunella", after a photo of Magoos old flame and offers to interview him the next day. On to the opera itself!

FBI Abuse/Hammer Time!/ FBI Airways: This is obviously the Big Comic Setpiece, despite occuring only about 30 minutes into the flick. It's no

A Night at the Opera, but Dawn got a few laughs as the FBI guy kept getting accidently KO'ed by Magoos warhammer. (He's playing the "King of the Vikings") After a bushelful of slapstick involving a wind machine, the scene ends with FBI guy flying across the stage. I think they shot their bolt a tad early in this movie.

Interrartrix/Kiss da Fish:: Great, what the HELL does that note mean? I think I was pointing out that Prunella looked like a dominatrix, but my stolen screen-cap doesn't seem to back that theory up. (I have to take notes that are less biazarre, and more descriptive at times.) The second note refers to Magoos unexpected romantic overtures, which end with him inadvertantly kissing a carp. Meanwhile, the Goverment Dudes reveal that Luella is none other than...

The Black Widow! Boy, there's an imaginative nickname for an evil female character. On Magoos boat, Luanne demonstrates a not-overly-subtle searching technique in her efforts to find the ruby. Meanwhile, Stacys fashion sense AGAIN features in my notes as she shops with Waldo.

Fruit Salad fashions?: Yes, that's a LOVELY "Slice of Watermelon" motif on your dress Stace. Here's a dollar, buy some taste. Back at the Magoo pad, the feds move in to plant some illeagal bugging devices around the place. So does Morgan, crawling in through Angus'es dog door. And loses his pants in the process. What is UP with the film and gratuitous shots of Morgans boxers? FBI Guy breaks in as well, dressed as a Kebab Delivery man. Which gives me a great chance to call him...

Abdul Ben-Stupid: He procceds to place bugs in supremely unlikely places... inside watering cans (Very echo-ey, one would think.) and inside an urn containing an unspecified Magoos ashes. (Way to treat the delicate electronic equipment, Abdul.) Of course, as soon as everyone's inside, Maggo and Luanne arrive home. FBI Guy hides, in one of the better sight gags.

Coatrack Man!: He dives under a coat hanging on a hook and pulls his legs up, vanishing completely. Must have learned that at Quantico. Or by watching Three Stooges films. Once inside, Luanne asks Magoo to cook her something, then continues her "trash the entire place" method of searching. Magoo fills up the watering can, thinking it's a pot, while Luanne smashes the urn. Ah ha ha. Pardon my unstoppable mirth.

Aerobics, Komedy Style!/Home Improvement: On to another Big Comedy Setpiece, as Magoo tries to cook a chicken to the instructions of a TV chef. The TV gets switched over, first to an aerobics show (Much chicken maniplation results), then a DIY show. (Sandpaper the chicken!) Of course, for this to work, Magoo would have to be going deaf, too. The three guys sound NOTHING alike. Anyway, Waldo arrives home, and mild heck breaks loose. The ruby is snatched by...

Santa Dork!: That's Morgan, hiding in the chimney. He steals Magoos car, while Magoo, Waldo and Luanne (Claiming she's an FBI agent) take...

The Eggplantmobile!: You notice I just summed up about ten minutes of plot in three paragraphs? Too much detail of the this dull film and my brain will implode.

Chase Scen!: Like it obviously did in my notes... a chase "scen"? It's a slapsticky affair, that got one laugh from Dawn as pigeons fly toward Morgan in the perscription-windsheild fitted car. (She figured they must have looked HUGE to him. She wears glasses, so I guess the joke was funnier to her.) Midway through the chase we get some...

PLOT!: Yes, it looks like SOMEONE'S going to have to imitate The Pihrana and infiltrate the Bad Guy Summit! Gee, I wonder who? The chase ends as Magoo drives off a cliff into a construction site, landing in a large pipe hanging from a crane. Some special effects using minatures are staggeringly difficult to detect. This aint one of them.

More Bad Disguises: And so, we head to the mountains, where Magoo arrives dressed as Bernie. As in

Weekend at... I mean, tell me he doesn't look like the dead guy with that false mustache? It fools Mr Corvette, though.

SKI-DOO! Yep, there was a BIG plug there... center screen, overly-long shot. What, there wasn't time to add a flashing arrow, Stanley? The evil guys head to a ski-lodge in what appears to be a limo on caterpiller tracks. Do they really make such a thing? If so, I'd like one! It doesn't snow in Auckland, but it'd look cool in my driveway. At the lodge, they're greeted by some ski-bunnies and head off to change. Meanwhile, Luanne ditches Waldo, kung-fu style, and also makes for the lodge.

Mising Punchline?: As the Badguys change in preperation for the auction, (Which is being held in a large spa pool(?)...) they discuss their tattoos. One Asian gangster is covered in them. "Each time I kill a man, I tattoo his portrait on my body." he says. "What are you going to do when you run out of space, stop killing poeple?" asks another. And that's it. These are kinda the jokes, folks. I'm sorry.

Tedium and Tatoos: And so the auction begins... To fit in, Magoo has drawn a tattoo on himself, before he enters the pool. Can we all spot where this is going? It does go there rather slowly, though, but eventually Luanne arrives and starts kicking people, the cops and the feds turn up to wave their guns around and Luanne esacpes on a...

SKI-DOO!: One question, though. Did this movie have the first case of...

Spontaneous Catsuit Generation: ...On record? She was NOT wearing that silver body-hugger when she arrived? Where the HELL was she hiding it? Anyway, it's time for another Chase O' Comedy. And this time it's...

X-Games Style!: ...As Magoo chases her down the mountain on an ironing board. (Did he not wonder why his "snowbaord" hand handlebars? Nevr mind, just being nitpicky...) I did give the stuntman who pulled a backflip on it a 9.25, though. (Troiuble is, they spiked the ball by editing in a second shot to make it a double loop. The effect is NOT convinving in the least. Dirty pool, old man!

One Laugh!: Yes, I laughed out loud! Only once, though. Morgan joins the chase and takes a painful-looking (for the stuntguy) header into the snow. At the end of the run, he pulls up, appearing to have been cryogenically frozen, hair spiked out cartoonishly from his head. And a ski-cop runs up and screams "FREEEZE!" at him. I like bad puns.

Meanwhile, In Brazil: We finally meet the REAL Pihrana. Guess where our conclusion is taking us?

Latex on special? Hilarious(?) Conversation: Back in the U.S, Magoo and Waldo stake out Luannes hotel. She's cleverly disguised herself as an old lady, though and a narrowly escapes them. Look how I reduced five minutes of pointless dialogue into two sentences! Yay, me! Magoo finds her ticket receipt for Brazil, leading to the reason they named a character "Mr. Peru"... so they could have the "Why are we going to Peru?", "No, we're going to Brazil! Peru is in Brazil!" conversation. "Who's on First?", it aint. And so, we head to Brazil, where Peru is getting married. Magoo and Waldo stake out his villa, with Waldo getting menaced by a...

Brazilian Hissing Spider: Yep, the kind that goes "SSSSSSS" at you when you notice it. Back at the villa, Peru mentions he's going to EuroDisney for his honeymoon. I'll take that as an "in-joke".

Mandrills in the Mist: There follows a long and seemingly pointless scene as Maggo mistakes a chained up mandrill for an exceptionally ugly child. This goes on and on for AGES, until Anges saves the day. This movie will never END!

Moneybelt, matching pants: Luanne delivers the ruby to Peru, who's secretly planning to off her and save himself a few mil. The money is sewen into several dozen flak jackets being worn by a henchdude. (He looks huge, then is reveale to be weedy at the end. Bwa ha-ha.) It also gives us a THIRD "Man in his undies" shot. Stop it, already! This is a kids film! With kung-fu and crotch-mutilation gags.

Nice entrance: Magoo finally enters the villa by climbing in a window, landing in a full bath tub. Umm, why? Was the bride planning on a quick soak now she's in her wedding gown? It's actually so Magoo can come out covered in surprisingly-resiliant bubbles and make her faint, then pretend to be her. But I'm skipping ahead.

Kung Food: Luanne realises she's been set-up, and procceds to kick the crap out of Perus henchgoons, even kicking one guys face into the buffet table. Meanwhile, Peru goes to present his (well-veiled) bride with the Star of Kiristan. That's lucky, or Magoo would be wearing a wedding dress for no reason! (Half-blind, though pyschic, I guess.) Magoo snatches it and runs off, only to discover that Waldos'...

Baiting the Monkey: And that's NOT what you think it is! He's been captured by Perus men, and is now dangling over the enraged mandrill. Magoo gives back the gem, allowing Peru and Luanne to attempt escape. Just in time, too.

Spontaneous cop generation?: Wher the HECK did the Feds come from? Someone shouts that Magoo called the cops, but I NEVER saw him do that... Besides, why are they even IN Brazil? Never mind, at least it's...

Climax Time! Chopper!: Luanne and Peru take to the air, still fighting over the gem. Magoo gets on board, thinking it's alimo. (Because ALL limos make "WHUPWHUPWHUP" noises...) Magoo manages to get the ruby, and steps out...

Take the Plunge, times 2: Falling into a handy river. Well, it looks like a lake, but once down at ground level, it's a river. Mr Tong obviously LIKED the "Falling out of a helicopter" stunt so much, Luanne does it too. A rescue chopper arrives and drops them off a life raft, then lowers a rope. Why?

Nigra falls has been moved!: That's why. They're heading for a mammoth waterfall. "Attach the ropes to the raft!" shout a guy with a HORRIBLY stereotyped South American accent. I made a quick prediction on what I think Magoo was about to do...

Prediction correct! ...And yes, he attaches the cable to Luanne instead. She ends up flying over the falls on the cable, he takes a watery plunge, which turns out okay, as he flips, does a Mary Poppins and drifts along with the raft acting like a paraglider. I hate it when great stunts are used in crap films. Anyway, all the bad guys get arrested, and we go to a...

Romantic Conclusion?: Yes, Three-scene Stacey is willing to give up her career for Wet-Fish Waldo. Despite them causing as many sparks to fly as trying to strike a match on a Jell-o mould.Back at the museum, Magoo replaces the gem, we fade to a..

Cartoon... and out!: Yayy! It's over! Oh, wait.. don't turn off yet! Outtakes! Not very funny ones! And then...

Best joke of the FILM!: I could not believe it... a two-paragraph disclaimer letting us know the film was a) Not an accurate portrayal of short-sightedness (Well, duh.) and B) That visually-impaired people shouldn't be dicriminated against. Gotta love a politically correct film! ("Please don't protest against us, Partially-sighted people of America! You'll picket the wrong theatre, and it'll be really embarrasing!")

The Skeeter Summary: I like comedy. But I HATE bad comedy. I actually surprised myself while writing this. A colleague approached me, whistling. I snapped "WOULD YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to make Mr. Magoo sound FUNNY!" A futile task in anyone's language.

FINAL NOTE: I never did review Hen's second choice Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time. It wasn't too bad, despite being so, like, totally 80's, y'know?