REVIEW: Cutaway

Sometimes, I simply have to read the tagline on a video box to know if the film might review-worthy. Sometimes, it's the cast list that gets me. Sometimes, it's both. So when I spotted a movie featuring Stephen Baldwin, Dennis Rodman and Casper van Diem, with the phrase "Xtreme times call for Xtreme Measures", I immediatly made a mental note of it. Then, when I offered up a "Pick Your Flick" challenge, (ie. I picked two films, they revew one, I get the other.) _I_ ended up with it. Did I get the best deal? Let's find out, as we...
CUTAWAY (2000)

Previews!: We kick it off with Kill Me Later, a somewhat odd-looking Romantic Drama featuring a British burglar and a suicidal American girl. Looks like they aimed for "quirky", but I can't see myself rushing out for that one. And then...

TH' HELL?: Right after the preview, an expositionary paragraph fades up, talking about those 'hidden" bits of the Bible. We cut to a rabbi in his study, surfing the net... and credits are appearing! I appear to be watching the wrong movie... I eject the tape, thinking the guy at the video store has selected the wrong tape from the drawer. Nope, it says Cutaway on the box. There's a security seal on it, still intact. Dawn thought it looked interesting, whatever it was, so back in it went. And so, I'm now reviewing an...

AS-YET UNNAMED APOLCOLYPTIC FLICK

Casper van Diem, Micheal Ironside: That's our top-billed actors. I think I know what flick it is, but can remeber the title properly. (The Bible Code? Megidoo? Something like that anyway... For the first minute or so we watch the...

Techno-rabbi: ...tap away on his computer. He's discovered something, printing out a copy as well as saving a copy on disc. But, he's not alone... as evidenced by the little red dot currently moving on his chest. One shot later, exunt the Rabbi.

The Amish Assasain!: Okay, he was probably Jewish, but that huge beard and hat helped me make the comaparison. (Amish drive-by shooting.. *clip-clop, clip-clop...BANG!*) He steals the disc and does a runner into the streets, only to discover he's got company. Every street he tries to takes has a minimum of two Dramatically-Framed guys guarding it. He grabs a kid to use as a hostage as he's confronted by Rabbi Micheal Ironside. (Now THERE'S a ballsy casting choice.) The assasain proves to be a...

One-Bullet Man: ...As he tries to fire at Ironside, only to have the gun go "Click". Good planning, dude. Ironside relieves him of the disc, and they exchange some terse dialogue. The scene ends as we realises the whole incident is being watched by a conviently-located security camera. Conspiricies ahoy! Trust no-one! Anyway, we go to the opening credits... and it appears I'm now reviewing...

THE OMEGA CODE

Or am I?

WHAT THE HELL?: Ten seconds into the opening creidts, we cut suddenly to black. It WAS a preview! What sort of cheap-shit production company hacks the first five minutes off a film, credits included, and says "Here's your trailer!". Yeesh. Anyway, let's move on.

CUTAWAY

More previews: REAL previews, at that. Purely Belter, a very English production, like, about two lads, like, who try to steal their way to two season tickets to the football. Then, to continue the theme of the day, Casper van Diems' Danger Beneath the Sea. (AKA Crimson Tide v1.5) Gene Hackman is going to kick Caspers ass if they ever mett, I think. And finally, we're off. (Longest. Intro. Ever.)

Vic.Com: We get a little Techno-sposition, watching someone check the details of "Vic Cooper", government agent on a database. (Although it looks like a personal webpage, quite frankly.) Whoevers viewing the file clicks on small pictures to show us Vic is deep-Cover Guy. It also shows us he's Stephen Baldwin. There's some credits throughout this scene and the next, revealing the director is one "Guy Manos". (The Director of Fate, perhaps?) Anyway, we head to a plane at night, flying in to...

Miami, City of Opportunities!: As some customs guys are tooling up to raid the plane, I'd assume they're the opportunity to do a few years for smuggling things. In the team is a far-too-good for this film Ron Silver, and...

Beardy Baldwin: Wow, that's some face-fuzz there, Steve. There's a little dialouge exchange between the two as the plane taxis in. (The start of the films "You're too depp undercover, Vic!" plotline.) . Ron Silvers part is fairly minor... he's supposed to be Vics partner, although he never really DOES anything. I forgot to note his name, so let's call him Pointles partner Guy. (PPG) The plane turns out to be piloted by a blond woman, who resembled a less-terrifingly muscular Brigette Neilsen. (To me, any way.) Vic leads the charge to search the plane... and look what's she's got in her hold!

Shrimp Smugglers!: Yes, Vics' been duped... the shrimp importing plane is carrying shrimp. Bummer, dude. Vic takes this badly, tossing things about until PPG stops him. Meanwhile, a rather blatant violation of a suspects rights takes place on the tarmac.

Gratuitous Strip Search!: Yes, in a staggeringly desperate "titilation" scene, the customs guys have opened up the pilots overalls to "search" her. Yep, they found a bra, but there's probably no room for drugs there, fellows. We cut to the interior of the airport... only somethings changed.

Bye-bye beard!: What the hell happened to Vics beard? He's clean-shaven all of a sudden! Now either that means he was wearing a false beard, which doesn't fit in with his "Always getting in too deep" backstory. (He'd surely have GROWN a bard if he was undercover for long enough.) Or, he was so upset about the lack of drugs, he stomped off and shaved. Weird. (Future Skeeter: There WAS a reason he had the beard, as we shall see later. Not a GOOD reason, more a "Oh, come ON!" moment.) The next day, Vic gets the news from PPG that "last nights shipment" has hit the streets. Oka, how do they know that? Were druggies calling radio talkback to announce it? ("Yeah, this new stuff is better than last weeks. It makes me feel... fuzzy.") After PPG takes his leave, vic ponders a bit. He KNEW the drugs were on the plane... but they weren't there when it landed! What happened to them? (Well, any number of things, really... pushed out into the ocean to be picked up by a boat, maybe? Hey, amybe the plane LADED somewhere an off-loaded it. But then again... given the name of this movie, we'll just ignore those possibilities, yeah?) As Vic thinks, two local kids run up, yelling for him to "Save Joe!", who's on the roof of a building, apparently.

Spider-Baldwin!: Vic springs into action, proceeding to scale the fire-escapes with consummate ease. Only to find out "Joe" is a G.I Goe action figure. Well, that'll teach him to be heroic without getting all the facts first. The G.I Joe is attached to a parachute, so Vic throws it off the building to the kids.

Lightbulb moment!: And we watch it fall in slow-mo, while dialogue fragments echo on the soundtrack. I think Vic just put 2 and 2 together. And so, we're off to a Dropzone! (Oops, shouldn't mention better movies in the same genre, I'll only depress myself that I'm watching this one.)

Xtreme Dork!: Vic shows up at a random airfield, dressed like his mother stills picks out his clothes. I guess that counts as "Deep Cover" for ol' Vic. (Admittedly, he's REALLY good at his job, spotting a tiny photo of the Blond Pilot within minutes of arriving. How many Dropzones ARE there in Florida? Onle one, apparently.) He wanders about, as we get an "Xtreme" and "Gnarly" montage of skydivers going through their paces. This so stuns our Dweeby Hero that he nearly wanders into the propellor of a plane. Y'know, if he sees something REALLY exciting, Vics head is just going to pop like a pinata. He's luckily rescued by our leading lady...

Star!: Vic goes into "unbdercover" mode, pretending to be here contemplating a jump. My notes indicate he called himself "Dick Pearson", although I might have been wrong. (Either that, or the fact that everyone calls him "Vic" later in the film is a contnuity error. I'd go back and check, but... that would be like, work and stuff.) As Vic and Star exchange some small talk, we witness a jumper being hit with custard pies. Apparently that's because he's...

Cutaway! (The cult of silk!): Hey, she said the title! Drink! In this instance, to "Cutaway" is to quit your job to skydive full-time. Whereupon other people yell "Gnarly" and hit you with pies. Let me think about this for a while. Nope, I'll stay employed, thanks. I suddenly realised something here... all of a sudden, Stephen Baldwin is delivering his lines in a kind of hoarse sufer-dude manner... Good Lord, he's channeling Keanu! Dude. And wait, look who that is in the background, looking menacing?

Turbo!: Played by Dennis Rodman! He doesn't get any lines yet, having to make down with looking tough as Vic and Star exchange mildy-spiced banter. (Can we all see where THIS might lead?) Vic signs up for a jump, but gets played like a grand piano, with Star handing him off to another instructor the moment he hands over the cash. (They also introduce the midly derogatory term "wiffo" here... Vic is one, apperently, but no-one will tell him what it means. It's a conspiricy, I tells ya! Anway, Vic is finally kitted up and heads out... only to be nearly wiped out by...

Redline! (W/Xtreme earring!): Yes, it's Tom Berenger, all Gen-X-ed up for us. (It really made him look like a bad cross-dresser from certain angles, though. Lose the earring, T...) He arrives by swooping in and catching a water bottle helpfully thrown up in the air by Agent Panicky. (Although we never actually SEE him make the catch. We'll give Tom the benefit of the doubt, though.) Into the air we go, along with Comic Relief Skydiving Senior Lady, who chatters away with more dialogue than Dennis Rodman will get in the entire flick. There's some shenanagins as Vic bribes her to switch instructors, before she "comedically" wusses out... but gets to take the plunge anyway. (Damn those pushy Tandem Jumpmasters!)

Extreme Screaming!/Redline Express: Vic and Star follow in short order, with Vic shrieking like a woman for the first part of the free-fall. They've actually attached a camera to Stephen Baldwin, so I can now see the major motivation for doing the flick. ("Bad script, but... free skyjumping! I'm in.") Once they deploy their canopy, we find out what "wiffo" means. (A jump-virgin, derived from "W'fore you wanna jump out of a plane?". I still prefer the "JAFO" put-down from

Blue Thunder.) There's a brief Landing Montage before the two end up on a beach. (Which somehow necessitates Vic trying to kiss Star... oddly, she doesn't try to slap him, although they're interrupted by the rest of the jumpers before he can reach First Base. Smell the unconvincing romance!) Now convibnced of his theory, Vic heads back for one of his regular chats with with PPG. (Later they talk while shooting baskets together. I figured this would be a way of having Rodman and Baldwin go one-on-one, but it never happened.) The only thing I noted about the conversation was Vics insistance that the drugs were being smuggled by...

"Skydivers...with parachutes!": Well, beats flinging yourself out of the plane and hoping for a lucky updraft, I suppose. Vic decides he needs to get further inside, and so he's off to enlist the help of...

Sgt. Spanky!: Man, Casper van Diem looks WAY to youthful to be a tough-guy drill sargent. He's "Eight", the leader of the armys "Speed Star" team. (A competition where eight people leap out a plane and form a circle in the quickest possible time. Whatever floats your boat...) And guess what.... Redlines' the leader of the rival team. Who'd thunk it? The pair head into the training area... one of those vertitcal windtunnels for a high-velocity conversation. (Caspers hovering in the air as they do so, and shouting all his lines. I thought that was to do with the rushing air, but he really overacts wildly for the majority of the flick.) And suddenly, the film segues into an...

80's Training Montage?: We cut between Vic training with Sgt Eight and studying with Star and the rest of the team. The Unconvincing Romance surfaces again, with Star leaping into Vics arms and tongue-kissing him after he passes an exam. Vic proves to be a lousy lander, and we get a comedic monage of him hitting lakes, trucks and even giving us a RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT by accidently removing a canopy with topless woman underneath.

EXTREME CATCH!: Yep, that shpt of two skydiivers passing a tennis ball in freefall really helped move the plot along. Oh, wait, Stars now all excited because Vics a really good skydiver all of a sudden. (And after his first jump, that should ring alarm bells for any skydiving drug smugglers in the vicinity.) Coach Redline offers some criticism of Vics form, which turns out to be a positive sign. However, someone's not too happy about Vics prescene.

ACT-ing! (Rodman style): Yes, Turbo confronts Vic... "You're never gonna be one of us!", he says, before slamming Vic into a parked bus. "I'm talkingtoyaMAN!" he follows up with. I wouldn't start writing the Oscar speech, dude. There's a super-brief fight scene as Vic kinda-fu's Turbo away from him. So turbo kicks over a piece of lawn furniture and leaves. But why is he so tough and stuff?

Rodmans' record!: That's why... Vic finds out Turbos an ex-con. (Insert Kobe Bryant joke HERE.) Vic discusses this with PPG on the basketball court, with Vic deciding he needs to get on Redlines' Speed-star team. And so, we get a sight we've ALL wanted to see for years!

Pie-face Baldwin!: Yay! Hit him again! (My only question is, WHERE did these pies come from all of a sudden? Does the dropzone's bar simply keep a few made up just on the off-chance someone decides to "cutaway"? [Self-editorioal Note: Boy, is this the hardest review I've written or what? It's been three days since I watched the film, and a full day since I returned it to the video store... and I'm STILL trying to reach the halfway stage. I think my problem is they're really giving me nothing to work with. The movie has just been kind of a C-Minus effort. Competently made, but kind of bland and pointless. Anyway, let's continue with some...]

Xtreme Choreography!: Vic has quickly made Redlines' team, who we kinda-met during the Training Montage. (Including two guys who are sharing the mandatory Slacker/Goof-off roles. (One with dyed red hair, the other who wears a helmet that looks like someone tied an inflated rooster to his melon.) The teams goes through its paces on the ground, proving that skydiving looks cool in the air, but looks like Interpretive Dance when you walk the moves. Stars suddenly gotten all stand-offish with Vic, who reacts with the "Kicked Puppy" look. She primly imforms him of Redlines' "No Shagging your Team-Mates" rule. Guess Vic didn't read the fine print, huh?

Boom-Boom sad: "Boom-Boom" is the nickname of the team-member Vic has replaced. Way to quickly make enemies, Vic. Oddly, while everyone else gets "radical" nicknames, Vic is never given one. (I had a few for him. "Keanu II", "SkyDork"...)

Xtreme Sightseeing!/Practise Montage: Confession time... I can't remember what the hell "Xtreme Sightseeing" referred to. Probably not important, anyway. Let's crank the alternative music and watch the team form circles for a while. I did note that Stephen Baldwin seems to be doing his own jumps in this sequence. On the last jump however...

Yellow Power Ranger stuffs up!: That's the #2 guy, a nerdy-looking kid who appears to be about 16 or so. (And habitually wears a bright yellow jumpsuit.) He 's too slow into the circle, so Redline quickly demotes him a spot. Vic moves to the number 2 position... and the next half hours plot developments became instantly predictable. (Vic's going to work his way up the ranks to "get closer" to Turbo and Redline, who are our easily-identifiable smugglers. Star's at #3, meaning they'd have to pull a surprise twist of having our Female Lead being in on it. Which they don't. In fact, it's never REALLY made clear if she even KNOWS about the way Redline finances his team. ) To drive the point home, we cut to that night.

Suspenseful(?) Search Scene: Vic sneaks away from the nightly party to perform a quick (And presumably illeagal) search of Turbos car. He finds a pair of infra-red goggles, which would probably be a Big Clue. (Despite later, during some scenes of the smugglers in action, no-one USES infra-red goggles.) Turbo leaves the party, meaning Vic has to practise the art of Hiding in Plain Sight. (He crouches behind the car... Those government agents are so SNEAKY!) Turbo never spots him, though. Phew, that was close. [/sarcasm]

Backstory around the ol' campfire: There follows a fairly lengthy scene as Vic bonds with Boom-Boom and the Yellow Power Ranger over beers. This is the "Redline's a NICE drug-dealing skydiver who's only doing it for the team" scene, of course. Well, that makes everything peachy then. He's kind of like Robin Hood, if Robin sold heroin to schoolchildren. More skydiving footage later, Vic's...

3rd and rising!: Well, falling with style, really. Star's still enforcing the "no-nookie" ban, so Boom-Boom takes Vic out for a REAL thrill.

Base-Jump!: You WILL believe a man can plummet! (They leap off some sort of radio tower. Nice stunt, but the whole "drug-smuggling" plot is starting to become secondary to the skydiving.) If Vic DID call himself "Dick" earlier, he gives it away here, calling himself "Vic" in earshot of Boom-Boom. Since after this, everyone calls him "Vic", I very well may have misheard him. (Do undercover agents regularly use their own name on assignments?) At this stage, Redline decides Star and Vic need more practise to up their fall speed. And so it's time for a...

Heavy(ish) Metal Montage!: They proceed to do lots and lots of jumps, while suddenly violating the "No Kissing" rule. For pretty much the entire length of a nu-metal song. I'm getting bogged down in this review, so I'll sum up my next few notes in a somewhat reduced manner.

It's gone to the dogs: Vic and PPG meet at the greyhound track and talk.

Zen Skydiver: Vic is deep in concentration before a jump, leading Redline to give him a...

Field Promotion: He's now #3 in the line-up.

Foul!: On the next jump, Redline decides to find out who's faster, Vic or Turbo. And so, he gets them to jump at the same time. This is supposedly extremely dangerous, although it's not really explained why. Turbo, being all nasty and stuff, elbows Vic on the way out. Just like Rodman to get in foul trouble early. He gets into difficulties, though, and proceeds to smash headlong into Rooster-Head Guy. Next thing you know, it's...

Raining Rodmans!: Vic, being the hero and all, tries to save Turbo from a messy death. Being Vic, he fails. Redline manages to catch up and deploy Turbos chute, but he's dead by the time he touches down. (Having broken his neck on Rosster-Dudes shoulder. Rooster Dude gets some bruises. Tough shoulder, my man!) I'll skip over the next few minutes if I may. (To sum up, the on/off relationship goes back to "Off", the teams cash runs short, etc.) Eventually, Redline takes Vic on an.. *ahem* "night jump". And there we meet someone with...

Short-term memory issues?: Yes, it's the Blonde Pilot. She looks at Vic, looks at Redline, then nods when he raises his hands and indicate that Vics his new #7. Wow, that false beard was a better disguise than I thought! But seriously, even without the beard, she should still recognise the guy who trashed her plane and had her strip-searched in public. Things like that do tend to stick in the memory, you'd think. The drop goes well, with Redline delivering to twin badguys. (Oddly, they have no lines, so no "acting" is required... and this movie was written by Greg and Guy Manos. Coincidence or cameo?) There then follows the Drug Smuggling Montage. To sum THAT up...

The Casteo Twins
Wire Tap (*rimshot*)
Zen Bullshit
Last Delivery?
Enter the Feds!

What's that all mean? I'm not going to tell you. (Read: "I no longer care enough about the movie to remember it." Catch it on cable sometime and fill in the blanks...) It's all culminates at the...

Gunfight at the O.K Penthouse: Guy Manos proves he's seen True Romance by setting up a Mexican Standoff as the FBI's undercover operation runs into the U.S Customs undercover operation. As everyone starts shooting, Redline and PPG end up pointing guns at each other. Vic leaps to Redlines aid and they escape with a fairly predictable...

Basejump!: Off what appears to be the Nakatomi Plaza from Die Hard. (I could be wrong, though.... they didn't pass Bruce Willis clinging to a fire hose on the way.) Redline gets hurt, but I'm not exactly sure how. (Bad landing, or was it when Vic pushed him through a plate-glass window to escape from PPG?) Vic gets him back to the dropzone, where the Vic/Star relationship meter is set on...

On? Nope!: Look, either suck face or snap at each other, but please... CHOOSE ONE! We're finally in the home stretch, as the Nationals are the next day, Redline is hurt and stoned as a ferret from the pills Vic gives him, and that whole "drugs" stroyline has been ditched again.So, let's head out to...

The Nationals!: Our hosts will be two presenters from the "Cable Sports Network", commentating us through the...

Network Montage!: Yep, we haven't had a skydiving montage in ages, have we? The usual "Xtreme" happenings are shown, including the Obligatory Skydiving Dog. Vic meets up with Sgt Casper, blowing him off in fine style. (You see, he's crossed the line and is in too deep... oh, you got that? Good.) Casper bristles at this... oh wait, that's just his hair. Anyway, he launches a few choice epithets at Vic, resulting in some...

Unitentional Irony: Remember, people who star in crap like Danger Beneath the Sea should NEVER call someone else a "loser" in public. You invite cruel comparisons.

Network Montage II (The comp): The Speed-Star competition gets underway, with the Army Guys taking a quick lead in the first two rounds . Star and Vic go into "Really Off" mode as she bitches him out for hitting the circle too hard and hurting her arm. Toughen up, girl, Rooster Guy took a high-velocity Rodman and didn't complain about it.

Double stuff-up: The Army Guys blow their third run, missing the grab. Our Smack-Smuggling heros have their chance for glory! Until Star's injured arm gives out, meaning their third run is a complete shambles. Needless to say, Star and Vic are REALLY Off at the end of that one. The Army Guys have a great final run, breaking the Speed-Star world record. And so, Team Pusher requires a sub-10 second run! On the way back up, Sgt Schmuck calls Redline and is about to blow his cover when PPG arrives and stops him. Yeah, way to get a man killed, you moron.

Twin 8's: And so, it's Climax Time! Redline decides the only way to get a fast enough run is for both him and Vic to jump together. (Leading to protests all round, although you'd think Rooster Guy would be more vocal after nearly being killed the last time.) They go for it after a little speechafying from Vic, sending the commentator into hysterics. They hook up, then flip completely over. Will they hang on for the required five seconds?

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Sorry, just trying to add some dramatic tension.

9.90!: Yay. They won. Is the movie over yet? Oh wait, still have to wrap up the "drugs" plotline. Officer Dippy proceeds to try to arrest Redline as they drift to the ground. Midway through his Miranda Rights, Redline seems to think "The hell with this stupid movie" and...

Cutaway!: ...Takes the plunge. As he falls, Mr. Manos is kind enough to present the...

Montage Montage!: Yes, there's actually a montage of Vic and Redlines' scenes together. Wow, I thought STAR was the Romantic Lead... maybe I've been misreading this movie? Redline lands perfectly (And bloodlessly, I might add) on the Landing Bullseye. (In full view of the crowd, who react by getting their own "Slowly leaving the stands" Montage. Thank you Guy "Montage" Manos. PPG shares a look with Vic, whos sitting morosley next to Redlines' body. (Obviously no-one bothered to call the paramedics, although you'd think a skydiving championship would have a few on standby. ) PPG shakes his head and walks off, obviously figuring Vic aint coming back. And yes, Vic's first action is to re-gather the team for next years comps. And suddenly, we're done!

Moral?: Umm.. no frickin' idea, really. Quitting your job and financing sykdiving by selling drugs is a GOOD thing? No, probably the wrong message to take out of this flick. In fact, even Star and Vics relationship was left hanging. (Get it? "Hanging"? Parachutes? Oh, whatever.) Oh well, at least it's over. There's always a silver lining. Skeeter Summary: The fingerprints of Point Break were all over this one. If they'd ditched the entire drug-running storyline, they would have had... well, an Extreme Sports video, really. So plot-wise, nothing special. But if you're into skydiving scenes, or are a huge fan of montages, this one's your baby.

FINAL NOTE: My "Pick Your Flick" Challenge Accept-ee, The Waffle Man never got around to reviewing HIS film "Demolition University". And I'm still waiting for Hen Grenades' "High Noon" review of "Santa With Muscles", too. What a pair of chickens. 8>)