REVIEW: Boa vs. Python

I can never resist a challenge. I've stated that on many occasions. It doesn't mean, however, that I always COMPLETE the challenge. Take Anubis von Mojo's "Vicious Cycle" review challenge. In theory it was simple. Select one of three movies picked by the other review-ees, write it up, simple as that. Sadly, my local video stores selection of old and obscure was a grave disappointment. So, failing to secure pretty much anything I needed, I was reduced to renting my OWN selection. The CGI-Creature Feature, Boa vs. Python. Okay... let's go to work!

Boa vs. Python (2004)

UFO Films!: Well, there's a surpise. I gues they have the pedigree to produce a giant snake flick, if nothing else. A bunch of no-names in the credits, with Angel Boris being about the only one I recognised.

Atlantic City City on the MOVE!: We kick off by cross-cuttng between Atlantic City and Pennsylvania.In AC, we're watching the intros to a wrestling match. (Cheekily, it's between "The Dreaded Python" and "The Boa". Both wear luchadore masks, but I assume they're just actual wrestlers who don't want to be recognised appearing in a low-budget CGI-flick. (Then again, when you compare the production desgin on this open scene to, say No Holds Barred, maybe I'm being a little cynical. The ref gets off a good line by warning the wrestlers' that there's to be "No licking, biting or eating" in the match. Meanwhile in Pennslyvania, a guy dressed like an extra frm Grand Theft uto: Vice City takes delivery of a truckload of... something. "Ramon" calls Broddick, our potential evil bad guy type. (Hey, he's got a British accent... What else am I supposed to assume?) Broddick's also got a cushy ringside seat and easy-on-the-eyes girlfriend. Bad Guy alert! Broddick checks on his "delivery" from South-East Asia... ooh, I wonder what it coild be?

Worlds Longest Wrestling Match!:The truck moves out, and pretty soon is driving along in full darkness. Which means the cutaways to the wrestling match make little sense. (Unless they've been going at it for like, three hours already.) I'll cut them some slack and assume it's foreshadowing, though. A guard gets woken up by loud banging coming from the truck.The passenger doth awake, methinks. The truck appears to be carrying the rare South-East Asian Roaring Snake, by the noises emitting from the back of the truck. Ramon takes charge, ordering one of his flunkies to open the truck, allowing him to pump it full of tranquillizers. I think you can guess how well THAT strategy is going to work.

Whip it! Whip it good!:And of course, a CGI snakes tail... or possibly head, it's difficult to tell in the dim lighting... starts carving up the assorted underpaid henchguys. This is also intercut with Boa dn the dread Python punching each other in the ring. At one stage, one guy is tossed out the irng, landing at Broddicks feet. Whereupon his girlfriend/bodyguard(?) pulls a gun on him. Someone tell that girl the wrestling is rigged, please! (Besides, you think she'd actually be allowed to cart that through security these days?) Ramon goes for the last-ditch plan as his troops get decimated.. a block of explosives. One false whip of the big snake and it's...

Adios, Ramon!: So long, stereotyped Latino bad guy. Nice knowing you. We don't get to see what happens to the "passanger", but I'm taking a guess it probably escpaed. We cut to Broddicks private jet, which includes of all things, a bathtub. Must be a bitch to clean up if you hit turbulence. It does however give his girlfriend a chance to show off her snake-motif back tatoos with a...

Random Gratitous Bath Scene!: Just before, however, there's a shot of her putting Broddicks hunting rifle on a stand, next to a photograph that seems to show big game. That scores points for me, as it's a more subtle way of exposition than a clunky conversation about big-game hunting would have been. Of course, the film is til young. After a fair bit of slow=mo soaping and scrubbing, there's a low-level "Sanke-POV" shot. As I somehowhow doubt the snake manage to hitch a lift on his jet, I'll assume it's a False Sacre.

Yep, it's a false scare: It is in fact a tiny garter snake, relaesed into the bathroom by Broddick to help "condition" Still-Nameless Girldfriend for the weekends hunt. Yes, instead of hunting creatures in their natural environmnt, Broddick flies them in. I wonder what Customs would have o say about that? Not to mention the Department of Fish and Game. (Futture Skeeter: Later exposition mentions that the Department of Fish and Game has a file on his activities already. Makes you wonder why he's not injail for smuggling dangerous species of animals into America, really. Or is that just my country that does that? I know you can get a large fine for bringing in fruits and vegetables into New Zealand, let alone gigantic snakes. Your mileage may vary.) In a fairly gratitous moment, this conversation takes place while the Girlfriend is still naked. Admittedly, if you're on a private jet with your main squeez, it's probably as good a tme as any to wander about in the altogether. Plus, the boobage makes up for the lack of CGI killing machines in the scene. Broddick recieves a call from his haulage company, informing him of his trucks non-arrival. His resulting temper tantrum negates any Random Gratuitous Nookie, sadly. They're further interrupted by...

Automatic Plot-Specific Television!: Y'know, I swear that gint-screen TV was never on in this scene. But the moment we get a live report (from the Worlds Smuggest Reporter), BOOM! It's on the right channel, and loud enough for Broddick to hear it. Gotta love modern technology. And so, we cut to "24 Miles Outside Philidelphia". Here we get to properly meet

Kent Humphries, Channel Dork News: Kent is hopefully NOT going to be our odious comic relief. Although his comedic mispronouciation of "Al-Queda" is a worrying sign. (As his his awked reporting style and the fact that he's leapt to a wild conclusion about terrorist groups without getting a shred of evidence to support that theory. Spot the guy who'll be either eaten or looking for a new job in a out 80 mintues or so.)

Enter Agent Sharpe: Agent Sharpe of the FBI arrives, suffers through a horrible unfunny interiew with Kent while doing his best Agent mith voice, and heads in to investigate. The exploded car is still on fire in the background, I note. Someone want to get an extinguisher, please? Shapes FBI-Sence leads him straight to a busted-in sewer inlet (Or possibly water... I don't know inlets.) and helps him ID a giant snake scale with a glance. I spot the Government Sp00k! Do I win anything? (Future Skeeter: No, you're wrong. Sharpe in fact plays a fairly sympathetic character, not involved in any Evil Government Schemes whatsoever.)

Meanwhile... At Philidelphia Water and Power, a grate suddenly gets knocked open. Cue sneaky music! And cue the brief appearance (And equally brief vanishings) or two workers. Nothing like an attack sequence where you don't get to see the attacker to help stretch the effects budget. Back at the scene of the escape, there's a brief bit in non-comedy with Deputy Brendan Frase-lite , before the attack gets called in to Agent Sharpe. Man, that's quick, he's only been there for like, three minutes and he's already right up with us, even without kniowing the backstory. There's a litle Clunky Exposition (Yeah, I told you the film was young.) as he asks for the infor on the "Larson Project." Pompting his FBI collegue to blurt out "That was the CIA project gone bad!". Yikes, who tlaks like that? Ever? I'm assuming it's a line designed to tie (however tenously) to either Pythons II or Boa. Having seen niether, I'm not sure WHICH film had snakes getting loose in Russia. It's probably not important anyway.

"And get me Monica Buns.. uh, Bonds!:Ms. Bonds is of course in Miami, which apopears to be in the middle of a rather sedate Spring Break. She'sfirst spotted... after a long tracking shot featuring more thong bikinis than the Carnival in Rio... betting a group of college guys she can hold her breath underwater longer than their guy, a giant mullet-locked dude. And so, we get a good long sequence of people cheering while they stare at each other underwater. She wins, of course, mainly thorugh the technique of flahing him (But sadly, not us), causing him the revert to a 12-year-old boy peeking at Dad's Playboys. She's quickly intercpted by an unseen agent who is there to take her to Agent Sharpe. And in one of those wacky UFO film coincidences, the "Agent" has no acting ability and a thick Eurpoean accent. Thank you, cheap Bulgarian grip for playing that part.

And so... We're off to Elkins, West Virgina. It turns ot Moncia has been working with dolphins, and Sharpe needs her "equipment". Well, we almost saw her equipment back at the pool.. oh, sorry, wrong concept. It's probably a tracking device by the sounds of it. We arrive at Longreen Snake Reserve, there to meet Dr Emmet, the worlds leading herpetologist. (Of course.) Ther's a wee bit of self-referential dialogue before he appears. Monica proves to be a real whiz in the lab, tapping away on the tank of a snake. (Which, even if it's not poisonous, is a really starnge thing for someone who supposedly works in an aquatic institute to do. I know as a kid most pet shops tell you not to tap on the tanks, as it, k'now, kinda kills the fish.) Into the vaults they go... and...

Herrrre's Betty!: "Betty" is the gargantuan Boa Constrictor Dr. Emmet is breeding to produce anti-venom. (Which he does by feeding poisoned smaller snakes to her.) Oddly, depsite having three people in her cage Betty quite happily eats the little snake, rather than making h'ordouves out of our protagonists. Back out in the lab, we learn that Monicas work invloves "Implants"... it's Termi-Boa-nator! Dr. Emmet notes that his snake has been raised emtirely in cpativity, but it would still have the huinting instinct. Which again raises the question of why he isn't Snake Kibble by now. Anyway, we have our set-up. Sharpe is going to use Betty to hunt down the missing giant Python. Sound like a good idea to anyone else? Anyone? Me either.

Just some good ol' boys!: Meanwhile, it's back to Broddick,who's meeting up with his "hunting party. Each gets to turn up individually, so we will at least learn their names. First up, in his big ol' truck is "Tex".(Whoa, don't strain your creativity muscle, Mr. Screenwriter.) His snake-snkin boots are a nice touch, though. Then , in a red sportscar, Mr Foley, the sniper. (In fact, "(the) Militarys' greatest sniper." It's never the third-best whatever in the world, you notice that?) Next is... whoa, whoa, whoa HOLD IT! Broddick just said his girlfriends name!

Hi, Eve!: I should have gueesed. Evem, as in Adam, as in "serpent". This script is at times better than it has any right to be. Anyhoo, back to the Expendable Hnters.

The Danners: Just your average redneck family outing, huh? I hope he brought enough weak, American beer for everyone. And finally, Littlefield, your obligatory bare-chested, crossbow-carying "Master Hunter". One brief Resivoir Dogs slow-mo walk and we're off! There's a bit of character stuff... Danner Jr. is slightly dorky, Littlefield is mr Strong and Silent, Foley is doing a pretty obvious job of flirting with Eve, etc. Foley toasts the hunt and we... cut to black. I take it this was a made-for-TV production, then. Post-what-would-have-been-an-ad-break, we're back with Sharpe and co.

Exposition Central: Yep, it looks like Monicas' implants will help track the Boa, as it hunts down the Python. (And contains a handy-dandy 80, 000 volt shock-the-snakey device, too.) Emmet helpfully points out that this is the stupidest idea he's ever heard. (The snake vs. snake thing, not the implant.) Sharpe compares the idea to mine-seeking dolphins. Not really the same concept, but hey, if it gets us into the Giant Snake Face-Off, I say do it. The Pythons about to get active, it appears, leading to Emmets assurance that, security teams or not, it's on! Prepare for disposal, dispensible extras! And sure enough, it's quickly escaping through an inlet as we speak.

Dr. Bonds, Snake Medicine Woman!: There's a brief monatge of Monica going to work on Betty before we suddenly cut to two kids making out in a car. (A scene that made me flashback to the 1988 remake of The Blob instantly. Even the cars position, looking down on the lights of a city was perfect. Too bad Kevin Dillon isn't going to ride up and take ont he snake with a snow-maker. That would have been worth the one buck it cost to rent this thing.) "Something" givces the car a toothrattling thump. The girls repsonse.. "I heard something!". Yeah, and maybe the whole car shuddering might be a giveaway, too. Her young Hornbag boyfriend immediatley goes outsode to check what it was. I've paused the DVD, to allow you to place bets on his survival. The odds aren't that great, by the way.Oh, and he's drinking too. And has a nickname for his penis. On the whole, this could be a mercy killing.

And there he goes!: Brian, being the male, gets kacked instantly. His girlfriend however, gets a little Python foreplay first. You think I'm kidding, right? I wish. Meanwhile, back at the lab...

Braiiiins: Well, thats an icky shot. Almost as icky as the tender musics that plays as Emmet carresses Betty scales.(!) I'm no longer wondering why Emmet runs that lab alone... long nights, a selection of mice, a nice bottle of wine... say no more. The film decides we need more horror here, so we... cut back to Kent.

Comedy hurts!: Yes, Kent is now reporting on the deaths of the water workers. He's wildly speculating again, espousing a half-baked conspiricy theory that would get him kicked off any network in the country. (Well, since "Hard Copy" went off the air, anyway.) Luckily, Kents cellphone is having trouble getting a signal, so he leaves p his (European-accented) cameraman, and wanders off into the countryside. LET'S GO PY-THIN, LET'S GO! *clap clap* LET'S GO PY-THON, LET'S GO! Is it obvious Kents not one of my favourite characters in the film? There's another nice subtle bit, as Kent wlks over what appearas to be a deep snake-induced track in the grass. Once again, the director doesn't explictly call attention to it, but it's there all right.

Kent gets it!: Sadly, off-screen. This is kind of like "Npthing vs. Not Yet" at this stage. Back at the lab, Betty wakes up just as Agent Sharpe gets word not only of the Horny Teens, but also of Kents' disappearance. Man, the FBI has SO picked up it's act in this film. (Either that, or he's a psychic scanning the thoughts of the python.) Abrubtly, there's a bit of a disagreement over wether the snake should be killed or not, leading to Agent Sharpes...

Finest Acting Moment!: A term I brrowed from the An American Werewolf in London DVD. Griffen Dunne uses it to descripe how real snot flew out of his nose in a early scene. Here it's the huge gob of spit that flies when Shapre yells about how's he's "running short of... PAITENCE!". He plays it well, not blowing the scene by reaching for a handkerchief, though. Emmet offers a snake tranquillizer to capture the critter alive. Sharpe takes him up on the offer, but reserves the right to shoot to kill. Sensible descion, really. (Despite the whole ludicrous "Catch a giant snake with another giant snake" plan, of course.)

Ahuntin' we will go!: And so, the hunters tool up in the time-honoured tradition. There's a sudden cutaway to a pile of the "Philidelphia Inquirer"s morning edition. The headline "Ginat Snae Loos in Water Plant!" The sub-heading "Water Prices Skyrocket!" And the smaller story "Local Teens Missing". Man, THAT'S some quick reporting, seeing as how the teens were only killed about an hour before dawn. And the darn water companies, putting up prices after the H2O's been off for like, a single night. I feel that shot was a mistake.

Release the Boa!: And she's off! Our first glimpse of her in daylight shows she's bright red, and as usual, moves like greased lightning, depsite being 70 feet long and weighing 11 tons. The implant has an audio and video link back to Monica, but within five minutes of its realease, they lose both. I'm not sure why, and the movie won't tell me. Guess it's made by the same compay that manufactures Instant-Break Radios and Nev-r-Start car engines for slasher movies.

Scooby Tactics! Outside, the hunters split up. The Danners play Comedy Redneck for a while, getting possibly menaced by what could potentially be a snake. Or just a breaking branch. Foley goes Rambo, dashing off into the woods, as we go back to to Monica and co. The Marines get impatient, and go off solo, so now we've got dueling Snake Munchies on both fronts.

Boo!: Tex gets to be our first to see the Python, which rises up behind him in a clearing. It's actually kind of cute, rather than scary, it's expression equal parts attempted menace and goofy grin. As usual, it strikes, and it's victim buys it off-screen. Meanwhile, the Danners are shooting up the local landscape, and demonstrating Improper Use of Small Explosives. (Dude, it's best not to throw the grenade right at your own feet, yeah?) They manage to ice something small and furry, so I guess it's not a total waste of time. Eve finds the tunnel entrance, so it's about time to re-enact Aliens, I think. Betty has detected the soldiers, and the Pythons inside. Who's first to score?

Shoot to...Something!: A firefight breaks out, but because shots of Betty would cost money, it's mainly a lot of shot of guys firing seeming at random. One soldier accdently barbeques his team-mate with a wild shot. He gets taken out by Betty in a brief, implied kind of way. Betty front on shots aren't helping my suspension of disbelief... her head is oddly shaped, making her look like she's wearing Dame Ednas' sunglasses. (Future Skeeter: A later shot reveals the lumpy bits to be the Implants... two metal devices that look like the microphones off a couple of camcorders.) The team makes a hasty retreat and we head back to the hunters. Broddick busts out a flamethrower, meaning this should REALLY look like Aliens once they hit the tunnels. And sure enough, they're into the inlet the very next scene.

Getting to Know You...: Emmet and Monica chat about their respective motivations for a while. Emmets lost a sister to a snakebite, leding to his work developing anti-venoms. Before we can hear about Monicas' traumatic memories of Flipper, Sharpe butts in, stealing my "Getting to know you..." line. Riff-back! The Pythons are in the diversion tunnels, so Emmet devises a plan to flush them out to a position where the Marines can trank them. The video uplink comes back on, just in time for a little...

Serpent Nookie!: Ahhgh, interspecies mating! That's not exactly the plan, Betty! You were supposed to kill him, not thrill him! There's a dome horribly choppy editing in this scene, but Emmets scientific explanations of what's happening to a grossed-out Monica are pretty amusing. The special effects of the entwined snakes suck balls, though.

Rednecks are funny!: The Danners head into the tunnels, unaware of the impending flooding the marnies are setting up. Yay! Drown their asses like rats in a trap! Brief shot of the pyhthon, doing bugger all. Well, that was worth the money there. Sharpe, Emmet and Monica head for the tunnels, where the Militarys' Greatest Sniper proves to hav...

Great Reaction, Lousy Judgement!: He proceeds to put a slug in Sharpes chest at near point-blank range. (Sharpes last words... "Outstanding." Personally, mine would have been... "You #######", but Sharpe was obviously a very positive person.) Foley tries to back away, and gets instantly dragged off by... something. Oh wait, it's the Python. Nice of it to show up after instantly wallowing him without trace. (and off-screen, although you probably guessed that.)

Bulletproof Snake!: Danner snr. opens up on the Python, but oddly, several point-blank shotgun blasts simply spark off it's hide. (!!) One whippy snake tail later and Big Daddy Danner is off, via a convienent sticking-out piece of metal. Danner Jr. gets to yell Roy Scheiders line from Jaws II, but hasn't taken the safety. He dithers around a bit, before getting removed from proceedings via a wave of (CGI) water. Jesus, can't film crews even dump real water on people these days? Because that really loked as fake as you could possibly get!

PENALTY FLAG!: Suddenly, Eve has spottesd something. It's an egg! The dinosautrs are breed.. wait, wrong CGI flick. Frankly, I'm calling a big, fat foul on this plot twist. The shagging snake scene was literally ten minutes ago. Even taking into account some slithering around and killing people time, that still pretty freakin' fast for Betty to be laying eggs. Does the word "Gestation period" mean ANYTHING to the people that made this film? Sheesh. Anyhoo, Bettys still in the area, nuzzling up to Eve in a "please put the egg down" kin d of way. (Including a hiss that's much more velociraptor roar than snake noice. Eve slips, however.

Sunny side up!: And it's goodbye egg. Betty doesn't take to kindly to that. Who ordered the snakeskin jacket? Meanwhile, Emmet and Monica are hiding in the flooded tunnel from the Boa. Good thing we know how long Monica can hold her breath, huh? Broddick tries to save Eve by using his flamethrower, somehow not turning her into a briquette in the process. Emmets' having trouble holding his breath, especially when Sharpes corpse floats by in a nice post-mortem cameo. And so, it's up to Monica to save him with the...

Kiss of Life!: Great, all of a sudden I'm watching Splash!. This kiss goes on long enough that the Python gets bored, and slithers off. Y'know, it's just occurred to me that instead of typing "The Python" over and over, I should have given him a cutesy nickname. Like "Monty". Oh well, too little, too late. (And Betty was red... not, Whoa-oh, Black Betty. Ram-a-jam.) Back at Boa Central, Betty lets go of Eve and...

Happy Trails, Littlefileld: Wow, our first actual on-screen snake-related kill! It's kinda disappointing, though. And since when do constrictors bite their prey in half? Eve does appear to heve been offed, though. We're getting down to the nitty gritty, now. Emmet and Monica make the sensible descion to get the hell out of Dodge, only to run into Broddick. The confrontation comes to a sudden halt by the mysteriously appearing Marines, who show up to arrest Broddick. There's a brief, slightly confusing shot of the happy, snakey couple which seems to indicate that Bettys' shorty out and Monty is snacking on the eggs.

Base Camp: At a temporary military base outside of Philidelphia, (A small village in Bulgaria) Broddick imforms Emmet of the clutch of eggs he found. And wonder of wonders, they do try to explain the "Insant Egg" thing. It's not a brilliant explanation, as we suddenly have to backtrack to "They were fighting, not mating", but at least they tried. Broddick makes his getaway at this time, seeing as how being arrested means you get to stand around unguarded, unmanacled and pretty much ignored. Now THAT military Intellignece for you! AND he proceeds to steal a tank(!) to make his big break. One that resists a direct hit from a rocket launcher, to boot.

Plot starting to wander off course, sir!: Abrubtly, a new element gets tossed into the mix... a nightclub is operating nearby. One that coincedently features body-painted topless dancers. And I thought the EARLY nude scenes seemed tacked-on. Enter one of our snakes... it's tough to tell them apart with the blue lights, but I THINK it's Monty. He proceeds to stealth-eat a raver... leaving behind nothing but a blank spot on the floor and a hearty belch. You WISH I was kidding about the belch. My brain officaly just imploded. I'm still at a loss as to how an 80-foot, 12-tonne Python SNEAKS through a crowded club. It's not even that DARK in there!

Don't eat me, I'm only the DJ!: Oh, man, I HOPE I can get screencaps off this DVD. As the snake rises behing the clubs resident disc-spinner, we get a hilarious wide-shot of the clubs terrified patrons. All 24 of them! (I've seen bigger gatherings in a West Auckland kitchen on Friday night! The Marines roll in a second or two too late to save the DJ. (Well, actually, they do arrive on time, then stand around and watch him get digested, but I digress.) Broddick ALSO shows up, but how he knew where to come defys my overworked brain. Man, someone hit the "STUPID" button late on this film. He uses his flamethrower on both Monty (With no noticable effect) and the Marines. (With somewhat more success.)

Big Finale Time!: Now, I have been accused (by myself) of constantly give=ing away the end of the flims I review. So this time, I won't, just in case you want to see the film. (Or even buy it... it's on sale here for the unbelievable opening price of ten bucks!) But let me say it does involve a shirtless Broddick, the Boa and the Python FINALLY getting to live up to the title, a character who's able to continue screming even AFTER two snakes have torn him apart, an unexpected bit of snake vs. snake biffo in an underground train station, and possibly the WORST CGI effect of the year 2004. (Unless the head of a 80-foot snake weighs the same as a helium baloon with a marble in it.) We end with a mysteriously-vanishing giant snake, a happy-ending coda and a credit roll full of people whose names end in "...ov".

Skeeters' Summary: Well, it started a lot better than I was expecing. Hampered by a small-ish buget, obviously, but lacking the tons of padding these films usually have, a better-than-average script and it moved at a brisk clip. Then with 15 minutes to go, the frickin' thing exploded in a shower of abject idiocy and cut-rate CGI. I feel slightly disappointed by that. Worth a look if you're in a Big Monster Movie mood, but don't expect a masterpiece. And trust me, that ending really did bite the big one.