REVIEW: Knights

Man vs. Machine. Seemed a simple enough premise for a review roundtable. And so I trekked to the video store, intent on picking up Stephen Kings' ill-fated foray into the directors chair, Maximum Overdrive. I was to be denied, of course... the tape had been added to the $4.95 Ex-Rental Sale table and sold off to some Movie Masochist. (There's a another one in my suburb? We should meet for coffee and DTV crap sometime...) And so, I checked out the sci-fi shelves. I contemplated, then rejected a video box which promised "In the future, the machines rule!" as the back didn't appear to mention machines in any way shape or form... Although any film starring Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez and featuring post-apocalyptic roller-bladers (The Rollerblade Seven) is probably worth a watch. I considered a "Spaceship struck by computer virus on a collision course with Earth" film... but as it starred Sandra Bernhardt(!!), I gave it a miss.

Finally, I thought I found the perfect choice. The tagline... "Warrior vs. Cyborg... In the futuristic showdown to end them all!". Hmm, reading the back of the box, I learnt I'd be watching a young warrior battle rebel cyborgs that feed on human blood. It was definitely (Wo)Man vs. Machine. I grabbed it. Later, I realized I should have read the box more carefully... namely the words "From the director of Cyborg and Kickboxer 2".

Oh, good God.

I just hired an Albert Pyun movie.

Wish me luck...

KNIGHTS (1992)
(Or possibly '93, according to the IMDB.)

Preview Time!: We're off and running with the most naked rip-off of Die Hard I've ever seen. Bad guys being taunted by the hero on walkie-talkies, explosions in lift shafts, the whole nine yards. Jeff Wincott stars in Open Fire. Bleeh. Next a super-brief promo for a "True Story" thriller, Terror in the Night, starring Justine Bateman. (!) Next.. Hey, Chuck Norris! In a comedy. Kind of. Make that a Karate Kid clone called Sidekicks. I'll take a pass. More chop-socky action with the next preview... and there's Eric Roberts! Wondered when he'd show up... Best of the Best 2, huh? Looks pretty lame. An actual, honest-to-God, released-in-theaters film is up next. Too bad it's The Good Son, starring the Evil Macauly Culkin and... Elijah Wood! (With throe huge eyes, shouldn't HE have been the psycho kid?). The previews try to one-up themselves with a Good Son rip-off, The Paperboy. (Starring Alexandra Paul and William Katt.) Bonus points for the uber-cheesy tagline... "He's Bad News!". And finally Mrs. Doubtfire... which is hardly a surprise, as that trailer was on 99.75% of all video tapes from the moment the film was released.

Kings Road Entertainment: Well, we're off and running now! To mis-quote MST3K... 'They're promising us entertainment, but frankly I have my doubts.". The films soundtrack kicks off with that godsend for low-budget movie-makers, the synthesizer theme. (It's nice to be able to hire one man to play all the music for the flick... in this case, "Tony Riparetti". Yo, Tony... ahhh, fuggeddaboudit!)

Butt-Ugly Desert!: We fade up on the typical Post-Apocalyptic landscape... as played by Utah. To be fair to Utah, I'm sure it's a nice, scenic desert in real life. But throughout the film, the landscape gets filmed in such a way as to make it the least attractive patch of dirt possible. (Mainly by the use of coloured filters to give that whole "War-torn wasteland" feel... Which would be fine if Albert stayed consistent. But more on that later.) Meanwhile, we get a helpful Expository Voice-Over from our heroine.

"It was another age.... another place. Here, time had long emptied the world, and in it's place, came the cyborgs. Powerful, invincible... and we humans became the victims of their hunger."

Where to start? Another age, and another place, huh? From what perspective is she talking about this? If it's her story, it'd be HER age and place, surely? Next, time had apparently emptied the world (And yep, that's all the explanation we get for the post-apocalyptic nature of things.) and THEN the cyborgs arrived? Who built them? With what technology, seeing as how the apocalypse already occurred? And, wouldn't "Powerful" and "Invincible"pretty much equate to the same thing in the end? Whatever, let's move on.

Sepia-tones! The Metal Monk: Cue the Flashback as we check out our heroines childhood. Seems her family was traveling with some "farmers"... what were they farming, rocks? And then, riding out of the shadows arrive... well, a bunch of guys in faux-Arabic robes. Yep, there's nothing scarier than men in burquas! They're led by Lance Henriksen, who we later (Much, MUCH later) discover to be named "Job". Job is obviously the leader, as he's the only guy with visible cybernetic parts. Namely, a stonking great cybernetic arm. Which proves to come in useful for... well, bugger all, really. He politely asks the farmers to either join their army, or throw down their weapons and die so his cyber-goons can feed. While the farmers ponder their choice, we meet Nea, our soon-to-be leading lady, as a scruffy young girl. Her mother gives Nea her baby brother (PLOT POINT!) and tells her to...

RUN!: At which point, she kind of wanders away. "Running" involves a little more speed than that, Nea. (In fact how did she manage to escape, seeing as she appears to be in full view of the cyborgs the whole time?) Perhaps they were distracted by...

Micheal Jackson, Traitor!: Sure, this curly-haired dude doesn't LOOK like M.J...but when he opens his mouth to become a Cyborg Army Volunteer... high-pitched perfection! Job wants a demonstration of MJ's loyalty, of course... by helping to herd up the "Pumpkin-heads". (His phrase, not mine.) Where the heck did THAT expression come from? I mean, it's a war-blasted desert landscape... what's the chance he's even SEEN a pumpkin? All hell breaks loose... possibly. (In fact, make that "All hell is implied to break loose"... And if it does, we never get to see it.)

Cheap-ass Massacre!: As we abruptly cut to the aftermath of the battle. Cyborgs win! Cyborgs win! There's a close-up shot of the baby boys wrist at this stage... ooh, a crescent-shaped birthmark! (PLOT POINT!)

KNIGHTS!: After the credits, we meet some more farmers. Maybe the film should have been called 'FARMERS!"? These farmers have some expository dialogue to spout, turning the scene into a meeting of...

Bad Actors' Anonymous!: Okay, everyone pick a silly accent and have fun! Irish Guy, roll the "r"s some more. Wolfman, over-act more! Grown-Up Nea makes her appearance here... She's played by Kathy Long, who has Chyna-like arms on the video box. Man, if she's half the actress Chyna is... we'll, that's nigh-near impossible without inventing Quantum Bad Acting.

The Batty Medium: Nea gets some advice from this cackling old biddy. She's destined for greatness! So long as they mean, "Great at arm-wrestling", she's got a shot. So we don't forget who the cyborgs are, we check out what they've achieved in the last decade.

Army of 20?: Not a lot, as it turns out. In fact, there's just 20 of them left. Not that this has stopped them maintaining their human army, or explains why they need "...the blood of 10, 000 humans!". Seems excessive, if you ask me. Oddly, despite roughly 40% of the entire Cyborg Army sitting in the same tent, Job decides not to pass on this information verbally. Instead he uses a Telepathic Rotating Adult Pleasure Device to do the job. (Not to "Do the Job", though... that would be perverted.) He also demonstrates his strangest character trait here... spitting out a mouthful of water whenever he gets worked up. Our villain's a compulsive drooler? Terrifying. Outside the tent, Job and a couple of other cyborgs have a brief philosophical conversation.

Cybor---ing!: Okay, not nearly brief enough. Guys, I don't care if you're alive or not. Make with the killing and mayhem already!

Suck down a warm one!: That's better... Job whips out his Spiky Needles of Death to suck the blood of a random human. Now, if the cyborgs live on human blood, shouldn't they ALL have honking great cybernetic arms with needles attached? Oh well, it's a low-budget universe, I suppose.

Abu to the rescue!: The unwilling blood donor is kind-of saved by a young boy (PLOT POINT!) dressed like a grade-school Aladdin. (I say "kind-of", because he acts like he's dead anyway. Too little, too late kid...) Job contemplates offing the kid, but decides he likes the kids "Moxie". Man, who activated his Cliché Circuits? The kid drags off his buddy as Job lays out his battle plan. He uses the phrase "Terminate us" at this stage. Penalty Flag! Referencing a better movie! Five yards, repeat first down!

Afternoon for night?: The heavy blue filter gets a workout as Job divides his forces (All 20 of them) to attack two settlements at once. Yep, there's a plan... and so the...

Ten Man Army?: ...Rides into battle. Well, ride into a shanty town to knock out our Heroine, then make the same feeble demands Jobs been making for a decade, actually. One of the humans shows some moxie (See, I can do it too!), throwing his...

Bouncy Spear!: "Ha, I am a Cyborg! Your spear bounces off me like it was rubber! Oh, wait... it IS rubber!"

Low-Budget Mayhem!: And so a mild rumble breaks out. Oh, the excitement. The cyborgs are under orders to...

Bring 'em back alive... oh, bugger.: But when Jobs' second-in-command (Eventually named "Simon") rides in, he finds all the humans have been slaughtered by his...

Hench-stupids: Including one who, on seeing Nea trying to flee, fires an arrow into her, then "co medically" mumbles "Sorry"... Oh, my aching sides. No, I'm wrong, this film is a pain in my ass, not my sides. Simon is none too pleased, as evidenced by the fact he screams the end of EVERY LINE! Yep, kind of LIKE THIS! Neas' only wounded by the arrow, though, allowing Simon to corner her in a lean-to and kill her, thus ending the movie. What? Oh, damn, I was projecting my wishes onto the screen again... what he actually does is corner her, then waste time making mincing threats. In fact, he wastes so much time he's eventually interrupted by...

Kristofferson of Arabia!: Although taking a second look at his outfit, which includes a brown, hooded robe, I'm guessing we were meant to get more of an Obi-Wan Ken-obi vibe. He's quickly revealed as being the..

Kristerminator!: Yep, old Kris is a Cyborg, too! A cyborg designed to kill other cyborgs. Penalty Flag! Stealing the premise of "Terminator 2", released a year before this was made! Ten Yards, still second down! Kris and Screamin' Simon face off, exchanging some expository dialogue. (There's a ton of exposition for this film, despite the plot being simple enough to fit on a matchbook cover.) Kris's character continues the biblical motif, of course.

Gabriel, Deus ex Cyborgia: He trades bon mots with Simon, who initiates his Bitchy Chip. And the fight begins! Suffice it to say, it doesn't erase memories of the lightsaber duels from the Star Wars movies, although is does suddenly get a HUGE Penalty Flag!

The Princess Bride?: They are SO ripping-off the Cliffs of Insanity duel! Right down to the "witticisms" (Which aren't witty) they trade between blows. A strange aspect of Cyborg warfare comes in here... the fact that any blow can make them fly forty feet in the air and execute a triple twisting somersault on the way.

Bouncy Castle Rumble?: I'm not kidding! It's like they stumbled across an unemployed troupe of circus acrobats and offered them a part in the film! Much flipping and flopping later, Simon calls for a...

Timeout! Eyeball on the field!: Yo, Gabe... You just ripped his eye out. Don't stand there and look at him while he replaces it... seize the advantage, dude. *sigh* Fine, stand there like a dummy, then. More brawling later (In which our drippy heroine FINALLY tries to get involved... unsuccessfully, I might add.) Gabe takes out Simon.

Fire in the Head!: Excellent, you immolated the Bitchy Badguy. Is the movie over yet? Simon tries for one last piece of 'comedy", with the line. "Oh, great... Am I on fire now?" before expiring. In the hands of the right director, that could have been a funny line. Need I mention who directed this tripe?

I'm getting bogged down. To steal a trick from Ken Begg, let's go to the bullet-point treatment until something interesting happens. Or until the movie ends. Whichever comes first.

Nice shot of the guy abseiling off the rock, Albert. Was there a point to that?

Oh, he was a "lookout". So they've invented cyborgs, but haven't re-invented a walkie talkie so he doesn't have to report to Job in person?

Ahhhgh! Tilt-a-cam! Stop giving me Battlefield Earth flashbacks, movie!

Why is that Cyborg talking like a London wide-boy?

Man, Kris Kristofferson needs a cellphone... because he's really phoning in his performance.

Unless he figured a Cyborg should talk robotically. In which case, why was Simon such a screamer?

The Cyborgs are heading for Taos! And suddenly Nea knows that, even though she's miles away. Our heroine just turned psychic on us!

Oh, good. Gabriel's going to train Nea to fight Cyborgs. I feel a montage coming on...

Wait, they have a "month" to train? We just saw Jobs army setting out! Are they seriously going to force-march humans for 30 days and expect them to be able to fight?

Gabe and Nea have time to train, as she knows a "shortcut" to Taos. Considering how much traveling the Cyborgs seem to take, it's one hell of a shortcut, all right.

Okay, we've had blue-tinted desert and orange-tinted desert... why the heck has the horizon gone neon green all of a sudden?

What the FUCK? The Cyborgs just found Simon... in the village he was sent to... and the month is over already? So 1) The Cyborgs would suck at Hide-and-Seek. And 2) The time-frame has gotten horribly screwed.

They've camped at Giant Seed Bell Rock!

"When do we start training?" Well, according to that last line of dialogue, a month ago, Nea.

My wife wondered why I started laughing. It was because Nea was standing next to the rear end of her horse. I wrote 'A horses ass' on my notes, then wondered if it was a cameo from the director.

Blue! Orange! Blue! Orange! Orange with green! PICK ONE, MOTHERFUCKER!

The cyborgs are still riding. I assume they're in Bolivia by now.

Training Montage! Well, if having Gabriel hit you repeatedly counts as training.

In an effort to move the plot along, we find out that Nea ditched her brother eight years back, leaving him in a village later wiped out by the cyborgs. I still think it's probably too later to be having issues over it now. Can we move on, please?

Hmm, the Cyborgs found their campfire... "Five days old" is the Lead Cyborgs opinion. In this movie, that could mean they were there five minutes ago, or June of last year.

WHOA, is that a bright orange filter! Where are they, the Microwaved Desert?

Okay, this training has gone from "painful' to "sadistic". Stop hitting her, Gabe!

Oh, great... the 'What is...love?" scene.

Gabriel's made of "spare parts"? He should have been in Raptor... that MOVIE was made of spare parts!

Okay, the last thing this movie needs is a Romantic Montage. But if you insist, Mr. Pyun.

Talk, talk, talk, talk... DO SOMETHING! (The middle third of this movie was not the most interesting 30 minutes of my life.)

Shit, they took a shortcut through Canada!

In fact, if there's still parts of the world covered in lush, green forest, why the hell are all the farmers hanging out in the parched desert? Stupid farmers.

What did that tree-stump do to Nea to deserve this sort of punishment? Or is it the post-apocalyptic equivalent of a Thigh master?

Taos is just another days ride away. They should be there by Christmas, in this films' time-frame.

Boy, this unlikely romantic subplot is getting more unlikely by the second.

Post-Apocalyptic Hissy Fit!

They're being attacked by Gay Druids!

Can I lend you a "Hand", pal? After Gabriel "disarmed" you and all.

Nea, Gabriel's fighting for his life. Stop giving him that pouty look and help!

Whoa, he's being attacked by the drummer from Poison!

Hair Metal Cyborgs head sounds like it's made from mahogany.

Fun Fact: Cyborgs weak spots are in their foreheads. I wonder if they can be noogied to death?

Machete-on-a-Wire!

One positive note... the music, while weedy and derivative, is at least appropriate. Later on, Mr. Riparetti mistakes the "Sappy Love Theme" button on his synth for the "Exciting Battle Theme".

Oh no! The blew up our Weenie Hero! (My notes just read "Bishop!".)

You know, having a built-in "Kill Zone" in your cyborgs could be considered a minor design flaw.

"Ha! We have captured you! Now stay here with out inefficient Hench-Humans and escape in your own time."

Total time of being captured. 58 seconds. Cyborgs are idiots.

Was that guys neck full of Rice Krispies?

It's the Love Theme Massacre!

Job has a parrot on his shoulder... what is this, Cyborgs of Penzance?

The "Master Builder" in on his way! Probably to complain about the cheap, shoddy sets.

Lance, what was with the clicking sounds at the end of each sentence? Is Jobs' fan belt coming loose?

Quit spitting, Fountain Boy, you're going to drown someone in dribble!

You know, if you can't spot a six-foot tall chick sneaking up on you from the featureless desert, you shouldn't really be on guard duty.

She did cheat by hiding in a scene clipped from the "forest" section of the film, I'll admit.

AND she kicked him in the nuts while he was down! Penalty! Two minutes for roughing!

Yeah, put on his clothes... that'll fool 'em for about nine seconds.

She's at Woodstock!

Either that or there's still sporting goods stores open in the Post-Apocalyptic Future...

I shouldn't mock... the cast and crew probably had to sleep in those tents.

So we're down to 17 Cyborgs... and according to these establishing shots, an army of maybe 2 dozen humans. I bet the 10,000 people in Taos are just petrified.

Lance Henriksen appears to be trying to balance out Kris Kristoffersons under-acting with his over-acting.

All right, a Pit Fight! Too bad there was no budget for a Pit. Dirt Fighting just seems so less interesting.

M.J is about to prove himself worthy to be in the Cyborgs! Dude, you joined EIGHT YEARS AGO! What have you been doing all this time?

These are some really weird reaction shots from Job. It's like they just filmed him making odd faces and then edited them into the scene at random intervals.

Nea gets a slight groping from the guys watching the fight and starts handing out the whoop-ass! Great undercover work, girl.

"I wave my knee in your general direction! How many fingers am I holding up?"

New Challenger!

Whoa, that's a weird cut! From Job chuckling evilly to two Cyborgs wandering through Tent City having a conversation. Are we still watching the same movie?

David! Paul! Micheal! Where's the cyborg called "Judas" we can root for?

He, there's that kid we last saw an hour ago! And he's helping his sister.. uh, Nea... get ready for her fight. (Damn I gave away the big twist we all saw coming 58 minutes ago.)

Okay, so MJ is still going to have his fight against the Wussiest-Looking Guy in camp before facing Nea? After she challenged him to save his life? This alien logic escapes me.

Nea walks in slow-mo. The fight happens in real-time. Which means the Wussy Guy is dead before she's covered ten yards. Nice going, girl.

The kick is up... No good! Wide right! (Insert gratuitous "Head" joke here.)

Stall

Stall

Lame fight!

Stall. Who taught these guys their offense, "Big Lazy" Kevin Nash?

Strangest reaction shot yet. Job laughs, then looks out into the middle distance. Was Lance Henriksen even THERE when this fight was shot?

I guess not. Any time he shares the same shot with the other actors, he's way off in the background. Like, far enough away for a body double.

Lame Fight!

Exeunt MJ. Hooray!

Ooh, arrow right in the drive shaft for Job!

"I fling myself at you!" "I hop around like a moron!"

Lame Fight!

Huh? Whafuck?: Okay, I'll break out of Bullet Time to try and explain THAT note. Due to some insanely bad editing, I suddenly felt like we'd skipped to a completely different part of the film. Here's what happened. Nea leaps over a rock, cut to Job on top of a bigger rock. Cut to Nea, picking a skewer of roasting meat off a campfire. Before you can say "When did she have time to pitch camp and cook?", she leaps back over the rock and fires not one, but TWO flaming shisk-kabobs at Job. He gets one in the chest. (Yes, ONE... the earlier arrow has vaporised in a puff of bad continuity.) Cut to Jobs' slave-girl, chanting and babbling insanely over the smouldering corpse of Jobs' (Cybernetic) parrot.

It took a few rewinds, but I figured it out eventually. The skewers were on a small campfire, glimpsed briefly as she leapt the rocks. The cybernetic parrot confuses me... who'd want to cybernetically enhance something that does nothing but eat and crap? And the two missing arrows are back in Jobs body next time we see him. Albert Pyun remains at large.

Penalty Flag! Using Bishops distorted voice for the dismembered Gabriel! And since Lance Henriksens in the cast, I think that's a five-minute major.

Big Fight Scene! Nope, it's over in thirty seconds. Cyborgs suck at stick-fighting.

Nea thanks Little Bro for his "help", he responds with "It was nothing". I have to agree, as he didn't DO anything except watch the fight and cheer her on a little. Penalty Flag for Script Stupidity! This movies in foul trouble early! (Yep, football, hockey and now basketball. I love mixing my metaphors.)

Hey, he's got a tiny crescent-shaped scar! Cue the flashback so we understand how this intricately-woven plot works.Okay, he IS her brother. I get it now.

Geez, when did Nea turn into Buffy the Cyborg Slayer?

16! 15! 14!

Ooh, a Face Implody!

Human Prairie Dog Attack!

How WAS that guy breathing down there? Another triumph for "Cool Visual" over "Logical Script". It was neither, in the end.

SLO-MO MAYHEM!

She's running the Stupid Gauntlet!

Little Bro is still behind the same rock and watching the fight, even though Neas run like, three miles already. Good eyesight on the kid.

Fight, fight, fight! Fight.

You know, what this movie needs is more fighting.

Okay, so she strapped the remains of Gabriel on her back. This should make for an interesting fight scene.

Hey, they're changing the rules! Unless the Cyborgs have secondary Kill Zones in their abdomens.

Midget-Strapped-to-Your-Back Attack!

13! 12! 11!

Fun Fact: All Cyborgs are compatible with OTHER Cyborgs!

Yay, Gabriel is all man again! Is this movie over yet?

Jobs' got the kid!

Wait, who's the guy in the diving suit? Is that the Master Builder?

And why is he talking like Darth Vader?

In fact, is my wife right when she said he's talking in Lance Henriksens' voice? I hope you paid him twice, Albert! Cheap-ass.

Ride her down like grass, Job!

Okay, picture this... Nea runs toward a charging horse... leaps in the air, kicks the rider off... and ends up riding the horse... even facing the right way, even though that would have needed a mid-air 180. Horsewoman of the Year!

Okay, make that KNIFE-woman of the Year. I swear she hit Job between the eyes while standing in the next county!

Fly the Stupid Skies! (The Master Builder takes off on a hang-glider(!!) with Little Bro. Good riddance.)

Now Jobs' been dis-armed.

So long, Job. Thanks for telling us where the Master Builder is taking the kid to. Cyborg City, huh? So if there's a CITY full of cyborgs, why was Job wandering about with 20 guys all this time?

Nea: Queen Useless of the Dumbfuck Tribe!

SEQUEL?: And here's where my jaw dropped. Albert Pyun may be many things... but he's a man with gonads the size of grapefruits to get away with THIS ending. Here's a partial transcript of our heroines final Voice-Over.

"The search for my brother would lead us across time and space... far beyond Cyborg City.. (something incomprehensible).. and finally to the edge of the Universe itself."

Uh-huh.

Well, needless to say, this rather expensive-sounding sequel has yet to be made. And somehow, I'm pretty sure it never will be. This film however, ends with some blatant..

Padding: As each of the 4 leads (Job, Nea, Gabriel and even Simon) get 30-second clips of their fight scenes before the credits roll. As they show them in reverse order, it kind of appears that Scott Paulin, who plays Simon, is the leading man. But hey... it's over.

Skeeters Summary: Painfully inept, butt-clenchingly cheap. Man vs. Machine? We'll call it a goal-less tie for this film.