REVIEW: Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn

Hey, guess what? I found a review on the laptop I'd forgotten to add to the Blog. Excellent, more content, less work.

METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983)

We're heading way back down Fading Memory Lane, with a brief stopover in What-Was-I-Thinking Lane? This movie is in fact the first movie I ever saw on home video, back at the tender age of ten. A friend of my mothers let me pick a film to watch on his enormous, top-loading VCR, and, being a huge sci-fi fan, I grabbed this one. Looking at the video box, it may not have been the wisest choice. Luckily, Mac, the owner of said VCR, picked another sci-fi movie, a bizarre flick invovling cattle mutilations. At least my film had explosions.

So, let's see what my taste was like back in the long-forgotten year of 1983.

I'm going with Bullet Points, so my brain doesn't implode after reviewing 2 Cannon Films movies in Two Days.

Wow, the tape looks in pretty good shape for a 22-year-old film! I must have been the only one to watch this since then...

A preview for 2020: Texas Gladiators. that appears to have been editied by a blind butcher with Parkinsons. Looks like entertaining crap, though.

And we're underway! I think, this copyright warning is taking ages.

Arista Films present... the flick that bankrupted them, probably.

Oh crap, it's a Charles Band film? My early taste was worse than I though.

Superman rip-off titles, quasi-John Williams score! (Actually, it's pretty reminiscent of Krull at times. It wasn't too bad, in its' own right.)

Starring Tim Tomerson! Kelly Preston! And Richard Moll!

Oh, did I mention this was in 3-D? The acroynm P3DFX means "Pointless 3-D Effect" from now on.

Richard Band! Albert Band! Charles Band! It's a family affair, all right.

Aggh, it's a Cinema 360 experience!

The new Winnebago Deus Ex! With optional armor-plating and extra-wide wheelbase!

Our possible Hero looks like an extra from Battlestar Galactica.

Look, we shot a lot of driving footage, and we're using all we got, okay!

Meet Mr. Latex-Face!

Superimposed Laser Battle!

Man, Traffic Cops of the Future are STRICT!

Hero Guy 1: Bad Guys 0

If Mad Max had been made in 3D, I'd be watching it at the moment.

Archeologists... of the FUTURE!

They're in "Nomad Territory"... I though Nomads were kind of, y'know, Nomadic?

She found a rock! A valuable rock!

Dune Buggy Alert!

Aww, he broke that guys' rock and splashed him with liquid lime Jell-o! Damn you, Mr. Extendo-Hand!

Ten Minutes in and I'm confused as Hell already. I THINK he got zapped to another deimension to get killed. Or something.

Captain Wiener to the rescue! Either that, or he's going dirt-biking. (If his outfit is any guide.)

Ranger Doujin.. Do-jin... Anyhoo, he's our hero. (Or "Captain Wiener" as I quickly dubbed him.) Jared-Syn's the badguy who broke "The Treaty".

Metalarm Guy is "Baal"... Jared-Syns chip-off-the-old-DNA-Extractor.

Prospector Girls seems to be our Luke Sykwalker charater. She's stealing his dialogue, anyway.

They're cremating Dad? Wouldn't he just boil and vapourise?

"Sorry your Dad died... must be off, the Dykes on Bikes parade kicks off in an hour..."

Long emotional scenes would be better if we knew more about the beareved girl. Like, her name for instance.

Ack, Jared-Syn is the Two-Tone Limey Mark Hamil!

Red Shiny Crystals of DEATH! (I knew that New Age crap was dangerous.)

Whoa, where the hell are we now? Some scruffy hermits' cave? Weird place to run a crystal appraising service, but I'll go with it for now.

"It's not a power-cell... not the new iPod... maybe it's a windchime?"

Oh, it's a Pong crystal.

Okay, seriously, it's a life-force storage crystal. From the Lost City of Set. "Can you take us there?" To a lost city? Sounds tricky.

Rhodes is the man who'll lead them to Set. Not Dusty, I hope. If ya weeeel!

Attack of the VW Beetle... OF THE FUTURE!

Okay, it's a chase scene. Baal likes to drive with the tongue poking out. Must have been cloned fron the DNA of an Irish Setter.

Small Car, Mammoth Car Explody!

Shit, Baal ran down the only piece of vegetation in a thousand miles. He IS evil!

Do all cars have an automatic self-destruct system that triggers if you drive off a cliff? Because, like always, that car didn't hit anything before going Kablooie.

Unexplained Futuristic Sound Effect!

P3DFX!: Extendo-Claw to Camera.

Man, he got him with the Lime-Green Snot-Gun of DOOM!

Still trying to work out what the Green Goop does. I THINK Doujins' unable to be zapped to Jared-Syn's dimesion because she was hanging on to him. Weird flaw in his Evil Technonlgy?

REALLLLY Long slow-mo shot of Jared-Syn doing... nothing. Still on that shot. He's evil, we get it. Can we move on, please? Second-longest shot ever. (And thank you SO much for reminding me of Pyschout to Murder, movie.)

Unmotivated Romantic Subplot!

DIANAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa! Thanks for giving us her name, at least.

Attack of the Neon Walrus Face! Love the cartoon ligtning bolts!

Fun Fact: Cartoony Neon Monsters are vulnerable to tiny trickles of water.

"Yes, I know my armor is three sizes too big. Shut up."

Oddly, Jared-Syns' accent makes it sound like she's being threatened by Sam Neil.

Sweaty leather armor abounds, and everyone lives in the deseet. Man, the future must really stink to high heaven.

Meanwhile, in the poor mans' Mos Eisly.

The Cantina under Canvas!

Tim Tomerson IS Rhodes! Was that guy EVER young?

A cameo appearance by the Futuristic Rodney King!

Shootout at the O.K Dustbowl! Tim Tomerson IS Doc Holliday!

They had "Sand Wars"? Who fights over sand? (Unless there's oil hidden underneath it, I suppose.)

Wow, a tree? In the context of this future, that's practically a National Park.

"You are now entering Cylopean Territory. Abandon Depth Perception, all ye who enter here."

Where the hell are the Pointless 3D Effects? I'd feel cheated if I'd paid money and wore those stupid glasses for this. (Well, maybe they were just trying to be subtle about it... unlike Friday the 13th, Part 3)

Warning! Mole attack immenent!

Little too much smoke, Mr. Director... Hello? Anyone still in this movie?

They found the H. R Gieger Memorial!

"All this way for a 1970's fruit bowl? What a gyp!"

SOCK PUPPET ATTACK! My God, that made my day... little hessian sock puppets with pointy teeth attacking our Heroes. Tremors they weren't, but funny as hell they were. Kinda cute, too.

Richard Moll IS the Cyclops!

Cyclops Law means trespass and die! Jehovahs Witnesses must have a bloody hard time in the future.

Cyclops Richard Moll vs Captain Wiener in the Pit! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

P3DFX: Knife in the Camera!

Fun Fact: Having only one eye makes knife-fighting a bitchkitty. Yay, Captain Weiner!

"Go in peace, Captain Weiner... now get off my land!"

A not-bad vehicular stunt... Ballsy stuntmen, too.

Chase Scene #2!

Okay, more like "Drive in Circles Scene", but still...

Baals' makeup effects make him constatntly look like he's got something in his eye.

HUGE Car Explody!

Car off cliff, no Explody? What a rip-off!

I think I know where Battletruck got its ideas from...

Jim Carrey is Captain Weiner in The Mask II: The FUTURE!

Still not 100% sure if this red-tinted place people keep leaping into is another dimension, or just a weird mental thing.

Jawas!

Tim Tomerson takes one for the team!

P3DFX: Metal Arm-ectomy to Camera!

"Just lie there in the baking sun with a head injury, Rhodes. I'll be back." "Yeah, thanks a bunch, Captain Weiner..."

Davros looks pissed.

Hey, Diana finally came back into the flick.

Alcoholics Anoymous Meetings... of the FUTURE!

Doujin has eyes like Bill Oddie.

Jared-Syn controls The Light Crystal! Only the power of the Billy Crystal can defeat him!

Disappearance-by-jumpcut. Could you have made that a bit MORE confusing?

Doujin just turned himself into the Rocketeer!

Badly-Superimposed Low-Altitude Chase Scene! (Probably a 3D shot, but it's hard to tell.)

Doujin couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if his was inside it.

All these first-person flying/driving scenes are giving me motion sickness...

It's the 2001 "Warp Jump", done on 1/200th the budget!

Hang on, Jared-Syn escapes? I'm having bad flashbacks to Knights! Well, maybe there's more time to wrap things up.

Hey, Rhodes. Glad you survived.

Fuck it. We're out of time. Stupid cop-out potential-for-a-sequel ending!

So it's less "The Destruction of Jared-Syn" and more "The Heroic Escape of Jared-Syn"? Maybe I was rooting for the wrong guy?

Oh well... it was better than Cyborg, anyway.

Skeeters' Summary: Low-budget, aging special effects and pretty derivative. But on the whole, not a bad use of 80 minutes. It entertained me, anyway, in a guilty-pleasure, Krull-kind of way. I've seen a lot worse.