SPECIAL EVENT: The 2005 V Movie Marathon

The 2005 V Movie Marathon

Or: “Who are all these people?”

---

From: Skeeters' Pre-V Marathon Mailer

(As I've) either a) Never met you, or b) Probably briefly met you at a party/LAN day/DQ game, I should intro myself.
Skeeter: Stand-up comedian, tour guide, webmaster of the Crab Chips b-movie site and the loser who writes 13,000 word reviews of the Marathon each year.
I'll be the five-seven white guy, Ramones t-shirt, middle finger in a splint on the right hand, carrying a blue chillybin and lugging a campchair. The password will be "pancakes". Because I like pancakes.

---

V Minus Three days and Counting...

It’s that time again... three days out from the 24-hour Festival of Cheese and Sleaze that is the V Movie Marathon. It’s been a much different set-up for me, especially compared to last years last-minute scramble that saw me go stag for the first time. This time out, I was informed of the marathons confirmation no less than three months in advance, form an unexpected source. An e-mail showed up from Steve “The_raven7” Austin, an occasional poster on the B-Movie Board who lives in Christchurch. He’s heading up to Auckland for the show, which is pretty hardcore... he usually attends the Wellington version instead. (Henceforth named “Raven” to avoid confusion. We arranged to hook up at the show, and I set about firing off e-mails to the Usual Suspects.

Interestingly, while I have managed to arrange a group of attendees, most of them are people I’ve literally never met. Mandos had to decline, with his wife being rather inconviently nine months pregnant and due on or about Halloween. (Which strikes me as appropriate for Mandos’ first offspring. My wife named him “The Bad Seed” after viewing the results of our pub-crawl nights. Now perhaps.. the Bad Seedling?) Ben (AKA Cosmo) and Debs are only probables, due to illness and a 50th birthday that night. Hopefully they’ll show up, though. Tania, a workmate was enthusiastic, only to have exams scheduled the same weekend. Rick’s career has seen him move to Wellington, and from there to Hanmer Springs, and my old school-friend Matt had to pull out after being offered a one-night bartending job that pays a LOT better than I could offer.

On the flipside, Tanias’ boyfriend Leon is still coming for at least the first half of the show, and bringing two flatmates. I’ve never met him, but he was at last years marathon, apparently. I’ll have to apologise for screaming at the screen during Psychout to Murder, then. Raven (Who I’ve never met) is bringing a friend, Nick (ditto) up from Christchurch. Ben was bringing three people, Andrea (No, don’t think we’ve met, either), Cherie (Met briefly before the ‘03 marathon, at her birthday dinner.) and Chris, aka “Dog”. (The nicknames’ familiar, but I’m not sure if I’ve actually met him.) They’ll now be looking for a 5’7” guy in a Ramones t-shirt on Saturday night. There’s the faint possibility of another workmate, ALSO called Steve to show on Sunday morning. (Even if he doesn’t show up, I would like to thank him publically for sourcing me the DVD copy of “The Wasp Woman” I intend giving away on the night.)

The Eski of Discounted Delights is pretty well stocked up... a smaller selection this time, after dragging most of it home again in ‘04. (Future Skeeter: And yes, still half of it returned home. My wife happily finished the Pringles.) Here’s the list:

* 1x4-pack of Royal Crown Draft Cola
* 1 box Arnotts Chocloate Tiny Teddy Biscuits
* 1 box Signature Range Apricot Fruit Cereal Bars
* 1 tube Pringles, Texas barbecue flavour
* 3 assorted bags of Starbursts. (I love 3-for-five-bucks week at Foodtown)
* 2 small cartons Ribena (For Vitamin C)
* 2 Bananas
* 2 frozen water bottles


* Mylanta rolltabs
* A couple of Paracetemol
* 1 new mini toothbrush-in-box, which I promptly lost.

* My Bag O' Splints and Tape.... as three weeks ago, I sliced halfway through a tendon in my middle finger while using a very old tin-opener. Belive it or not, surgery was actually required to repair the thing. It's healing nicely, but will be in a plastic splint for another three weeks. As you can imagine, this is not the best set-up for writing a colossal review like this. But I'm a 2-finger typer anyway, and neither of them are the one I injured. So I may be slower than usual, but the Review Must Go On!

* A pillow, as Ant's last e-mail specified "no chairs". He later told me I could have brought my campchair, but in all honesty, there wouldn't have been a lot of room for it.


The last thing to go in were my DVD Gift Packs: A half-dozen Cheapass DVD's for Ant to give away. I decided to do this as my way of "paying" for the tickets Ant keeps comping me. I typed up little notes for the covers, with "Things I Learnt", silly gags and in one case, an apology for the film being as dull as dishwater. They are, in no particular order:

* The Wasp Woman
* Hercules in New York
* The Petrified World
* A Classic 4-Movie Pack: Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, Maniac and The House on Haunted Hill
* Teenagers From Outer Space


And yes, I DID watch almost all of them before the Marathon...

Okay, I'm set. Let's bring it on!

V DAY!

Prologue: Many, MANY Meetings.

October 29th, 2005. Not the sunniest of days in Auckland, but since I'll be indoors for the next 24 hours, that's not that big a problem. I had intended to sleep in as long as possible, but it was not to be. Some weeks ago my grandmother passed away, ten days after a stroke. (Which, considering she had turned 93 the day before the stroke, was a testament to how strong a woman my grandmother was.) And so, Dawn and I rose at 8am(!) to pick up some items she'd left us from her apartment in Orewa. (Just under an hours drive from my place.) We were home by 1pm, but since I'm clinically incapable of sleeping in the daytime, I was pretty much consigned to 36 hours of sleep deprivation. Unless one of the flicks is REALLY dull. A last-minute message from Ant on the V Movie site informed us that Wolf Creek had been pulled, but a replacement flick had be found at VERY short notice. The Mystery Lineup gets more mysterious. At 4PM, I had the earliest evening meal of my life. (The new 6pm start time is probably better for the Hollywood, but it makes for a tough scheduling task for us night-owls.) Dawn was working, so I called a taxi, which showed up just before 4:30. I bundled my gear inside, amusing and confusing the driver when my answer to "Where are you off to?" was "The movies."

We arrived at the Hollywood at about quarter to 5. There was already about twenty or so people forming a queue. (And providing an endless parade of "What-the-fuck?" double-takes for the passing motorists.) Beanbags abounded this year, from the half-filled, droopy Student Flat variety to some mammoth, brand new ones. Ant had already set up his Bean-bag Armchair in advance, in the approved "King of All I Survey" position, of course. (Front and center, for optimum viewing.) I caught up with him, and was told he had a job for me... one I'd find out about in his intro. The plot thickens! I hung about for a while, keeping my Ramones shirt as visible as possible, until a voice from behind a pillar said "Pancakes!". It turned out to be Cherie and Andrea, both burdened down with as much gear as I had, plus a mattress. (Which turned out to be a godsend, being big enough for three people to fit on. The Eski of Discounted Delights was supplemented with their carry-on -flight-luggage of snacks, which was fairly stylish in my opinion. We joined the line, and I was thrown by the sight of another guy in a Ramones t-shirt behind us. (I hope he didn't get strangers trying to work out if he was me...)

The line moved at a fairly fast clip one the doors were open, and I secured my double pass. I told Cherei and Andrea to grab one ticket between the two of them, but the guy at the box office let them both in free. Cheers, dude! We received huge, neon green arm-stamps and headed into the theatre. A great turnout this year meant space was at a premium, so we staked out a spot on the floor, just in front of the first row of seating. We did try to form an aisle to let people through, but of course, being the outside man, I was still the recipient of every second beanbag in the theatre bouncing off my skull in succession for a while. Including two of the hugest examples I've ever seen. I forgave that guy because he sat next to us, and I was able to use them for back support later in the night. Cherie and Andrea took turns on Dog-watch until he showed up, and I headed back outside, and quickly spotted two guys getting out of a taxi, one wearing a t-shirt with the slogan:

"PUT YOUR MONEYSHOT WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS!"

Houston, we have The Raven! I have to say though, the t-shirt he was wearing at the end of the night, a black-and-white "Zombi" one, was by far my favourite. Both he and Nick were on the comp list, so a quick arm-stamping later, we we inside. "I thought you said they just renovated this place?" Raven asked. "They did, kinda." I replied. "I love it!" was his response. A word about the Hollywood. Yes, it's a tiny, single-screen old-school cinema. It's still got wooden floors, worn carpet, and the toilets still sound like a plane taking off in a tornado when you flush them. The renovations added some new permanent seating, but it still looked just like last yar. But frankly, it's perfect for the Marathon, and with any luck will be the permanent home for as long as possible. Raven, a HUGE movie buff, just fell in love with the place at first sight. He and Nick took seats in the front row, while I went back outside to look for an Englishman, an Irishman and a Hamiltonian. Which, as I pointed out, sounded like the start of a bad pub joke. I couldn't see them unfortunately, leaving me hoping they would spot me at some stage. I grabbed some gum (toothbrush substitute) and garbage sacks from the dairy next door, and headed back inside. As I came in, organ music began to play, and I figured they had put on a CD. Then the cheering started.

If the Hollywood hadn't got Raven hooked before, it sure did now. The Hollywoods Wurlitzer organ was rising majestically up, and for the next twenty minutes we we treated to a mini-concert. (Including a predictably well-received version of the Star Wars theme that our organist Margaret learned just the week before. Bravo!) She finished with the Phantom of the Opera theme, dropping back out of sight to a raucous ovation. Ant made his appearance, delivering his intro through a bullhorn this year. He'd been on an emotional rollercoaster this year, with the last-minute pull-out of Wolf Creek being the capper. But, he was buoyed by the last-minute substitution, and seemed in good spirits, all thing considered. He informed the crowd (and me) that I'd be running the Trivia Quiz at the end of the night, after last years slightly-chaotic twenty minute affair that left him short for questions. Suffice it to say, I took a LOT more notes than usual this time. People at the marathon may have noted that all my questions came from the first four films, though. There was a reason... more on that later. And so, the lights dimmed, the curtains opened... and once more, it begins!

Part 1: Chicks Rock!
Saturday, 18:10-THE DESCENT

Well, actually, the film started at 18:20, but that's just me being picky. You see, before each flick, at least 2 previews were screened, all on their original filmstock. (Ant saves the DVD weirdness for the break periods... this year we had preview reels, MTV comedy, and compilations of bonkers Japanese TV shows.) And so, we kicked off with trailers for The Lifetaker, which I can’t honesty remember anything about. Then the first full-frontal nudity of the fest (4 minutes in? Man, talk about making us wait, Ant!) with Smooth Velvet, Raw Silk. (AKA Velluto Nero, Emmanuelle in Egypt, Black Emmanuelle, White Emmanuelle etc.) Lesbian Sex Scene at 6 o’clock, captain! The Screaming Tiger, your bog-standard badly-dubbed kung-fu flick was next. (AKA “Ten Fingers of Steel”... which confused me, as I thought I had that flick... until I discovered my DVD was of Five Fingers of Steel. I assume “Ten Fingers...” is TWICE as good!) And finally, The Long Days Dying, an insanely tedious-looking war film. (I’m mentally dubbing it “A Long Day’s Viewing”.) The trailers’ editing DID make it look like our hero accidently blew himself up with his own booby trap, which amused me no end.

The choice of the first actual flick surprised me... this was the first time we’ve started off with a new release. (So new, in fact, I, and I suspect, many of the other Marthoners hadn’t even heard of this film. Which was THE best way to see it. So if you haven’t yet, go see it, then read on. I’ll wait.) It was a refreshing change to see a pristine print right off the bat, but after the Insta-Nudity of Revenge of the Cheeleaders in ‘02, the wierdness of ‘03 Evils of the Night and the abject hilarity of last years The Creeping Terror, I was worried this one might not have that “Wow Factor” to hook the audience from the get-go.

I have GOT to trust Ants’ judgement more.

Five minutes in, a scene abrubtly occurred that caused the entire audience, even battle-hardened multi-Marathoners, to utter a collective “WHOA!”. Or, for people with no Internal Profanity Filter, like me, a loud cry of ‘JESUS, FUCK!”. Great start, dude.

So, let’s run down the film in a carefully non-spoilerish way.One year after that opening scene (The one I won’t say word one about), a group of Scottish women travel to the Appalachian Mountains to go caving with their girlfriends. Yeah, it’s a chick flick. In the best possible way, that is. For the first section of the film, the girls drink beer, talk and yes, one takes a shower. Given the Evil Dead-like cabin, and the lead characters occasional Flashbacking, I was picking this as either a “Spam in a Can” or a Japanese-style Ghost Flick. To quote Oscar the Grouch, “Ding-dong, you’re wrong!”, as the next morning the team heads off to Boreham Caves to do a little spelunking. Now, I’ve always like movies that could be described as “Claustrophobic”... Saw, for instance. But this one? REALLY fucking claustrophobic. Literally. People crawl around in tiny little tunnels like that for FUN? And people think I’m weird.

So, things seems to be going well for the girls. Until our Heroine gets wedged, a tunnel collapse soon after traps the crew, and they discover three vital facts.

1) They’re not in Borehem Caves
2) They have no map. (Which thankfully doesn’t trigger a Blair Witch Project-style arguement.)

And

3) They’re not alone.

Hoo boy, they are SO not alone! To say too much would ruin the flick, but let’s put it this way. The IMDB User Comments are WAY positive, and for a horror flick, that's a hell of an achievement. At the time of writing, Rotten Tomatoes currently has the flick showing11 positive reviews. Out of eleven. It's from the writer/director of the top-notch horror/comedy Dog Soldiers, and the ending was about fifty steps above the typical bullshit Hollywood "It's-over-or-is-it-BOO-wow-what-a-shocker" formula. (Oh, and to the IMDB message board poster who posted a message titled "What was that ending all about?"... you sir, are a fucking moron. No wonder I've never signed up for those foums.) There's a little CGI, but a lot is used to enhance some really kick-ass practical effects. The leads are likeable, act realistically (Even the one I nicknamed "Robochick".) and yes, easy on the eyes. The Creatures were appropriately scary. (I called them "Evil Gollums") And the gore levels were perefct... not too unbelieveable or gratuitous. This, in fact, is one of THE best modern horror flicks to date. Awesome start.

Right, time to start the 2005 Running Themes List... although to be honest, most them faded away by the end.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Pretty much all of them.
Puking? : Yep.
Horrific Leg Injury? : More than one, but definatley the most horrific of the night.
Ugly Facial Hair? : Nope, but in an all-female cast, not surprising really. Some ugly BODY hair, though.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? All female-cast, but yes. Twice in a row. My sympathies momentarialy switched sides.

Skeeter's Summary: My personal favourite flick of the night. Gurl Power, and then some..

Part 2: Redneck Rampage!
Saturday, 20:00-THE DEVILS' REJECTS

Before our next film, we watched the promo for The Chamber of Horrors, the only film to feature the "Fear Flasher" and the "Horror Horn" to warn less macho members of the audience of upcoming ickyness. This garned a huge laugh, as the Fear Flasher was a siezure-inducing red-flickery light dealie. Sufferers of epilepsy need not apply to watch THAT flick. Then the double-feature preview for Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory and Corridors of Blood And then... another pristine 2005 print. (Back-to-back new films were the last things I expected.) This is of course the sequel to Rob Zombies House of 1000 Corpses, a film I never actually saw. After this one, I'm probably not in any rush to go rent it, either. I didn't actively dislike the film so much as sat through it with a "Been there, seen that" attitude. I'm aware Rob really likes using bits from classic horror movies, but I just felt that there was a lack of anything, well, new in the film. Besides, I like a little more plot to go with my ultraviolence.

Yeah, ULTRAviolence... this thing isn't one to show grandma. Concerning "The Devils' Rejects", a happily pyschotic family of inbred rednecks, lead by Mr. Dental Hygene '05, Captain Spaulding. (Sid Haig) The pre-credit sequence introduces us to them, and their movie-long nemesis, Sherrif John Quincy Wydell, who opens a big can of Alabama Whopass on their corpse-filled home. It's a fairly kick-ass opening, with lots of gunfire, home-made Ned Kelly-esque suits of armour and a little slow-mo for the artsy-fartsy movie-critic types. And then, the film turns into From Dusk to Dawn without the vampires. And so we spend a fair amount of time in a hotel, playing "Let's Torture The Hostages"... an odd echo of which would show up some 16 hours later. And then thins just go from gross to downright disgusting. Anyhoo, here's a bit of a bullet-point list of things I remember about he film.

Devils Rejects Films? I think I just guessed what film we're seeing.

Raven tried to get a round of applause going for Sid Haigs' credit. It didn't catch on. I was tempted to do the same for Danny Trejo.

Full-frontal corpse nudity! Ick.

Freddy Krugers' redneck cousin does a cameo! I wonder if he'll show up again sometime?

Dude, your bedmate died. Like, a month ago. See that "Ick" and raise it a "Bleech".

Yessir, preparing for an Old-Fashioned Alabama Asswhuppin'!

Fuck, this a LOUD movie.

Perky ass-crack shot during the opening credits! Of Rob Zombies' wife. A bold directorial statement. That his wife has a nice ass.

Argh, Sid Haig having sex! Must. Scrub. Brain!

ARRRGH, Sid Haigs' ACTUAL sex-rhino is horny! Where's the goddamn Fear Flasher when I need it!

Oh look, a nice, clean-living country-and-western band. Bet they're fucked.

Fuck, I'm saying fuck a lot in this review. Then again, guess which movie currently holds the record for Most Gratuitous Use of the Word "Fuck"? This one. 560 times in 100 minutes. I'm not fucking kidding.

Devils Reject Mom's interrogation scene is a masterpiece of wallpaper chewing. LOUD chewing. (Leading to my remark to Raven "I don't like this new directors cut of Basic Instinct". Yeah, I know it's a Simpson reference. If Zombie can do it, so can I.)

I liked Jimmy the roadie. Too bad his dream of rodeo clowning had to be put on hold. Hope he'll make it out of the film alive.

Crap. Guess not. I hope they buried him in the cool Cheap Trick t-shirt.

Stripping the hostage. Check. Sexual molestation via a phallic symbol. Yep. We're getting all '70's grindhouse here.

You know, I hate country-and-western too, but beating the lead singer with a pipe? Little excessive.

Well, the groups down to a duo. Hope the girls can sing acapella.

If not, they're getting plenty of practice to become WWE Divas. Less slapping, more perky butt-shots!

Baby isn't the sharpest hatchet in the Devils Rejects toolkit, is she?

Butt shot! Thank you. Now pull the trigger, stupid simpering hostage.

Killed by Psychology!

Oh. Rob? Lose the fucking CGI blood next time. I hate that. If you're making a gore film, just pour some gore on them! CGI blood NEVER looks real

The Sherrif is getting REALLY nasty. They're going for the Double Face/Heel Turn on us. (cf. Brett "The Hitman" Hart vs "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Wrestlemania 13.)

The Groucho Marx expert was one of the best parts of the film for me. Great punchline to the scene, too.

Bela! (Okay, hands up who else recognised Bride of the Monster?)

Man, this scene with George, Wydells' dead brother, has a real An American Werewolf in London feel to it. Or am I over-reaching for references?

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE REFERENCE!

I see it coming, she runs into the road and she gets run over by an OH FUCK! Jesus, if I send Rob a cheque, maybe he'll buy a sense of restraint?

Charles' Frontier Fun Town! Man, all that place needs is Cheech Marin doing the Pussy Speech and it'd be the Titty Twister.

The Chicken Fucking speech is funny as hell. Totally irrelevant to the plot, but funny.

Better send Rob out a rowboat, his films just treading water now.

Ugly Redneck Sex! Why does this film hate me so much?

We're getting to the climax! Or at least within shouting distance.

HIDEOUS LEG INJURY!

Sherrif Wydell learned his interrogation tactics by watching Nu Jack wrestle in ECW, it seems.

This torture scene is horrendously long, graphic and brutal to watch. Still, it's more fun than watching The Passion of the Christ.

Our second neck-snapping in two films! Maybe that's a running theme. (No, as it turned out.)

Maybe it's because I missed the first flick, but this seems like the biggest cop-out ending possible.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Mom took the crown there. All the rest were slutty-stupid or cringingly wussy.
Puking? : With the amount of bodily fluids spilt in that flick, I'd have to assume so.
Horrific Leg Injury? : .38 Special, meet leg. Ouch.
Ugly Facial Hair? : Not as ugly as the teeth, but still pretty bad.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Who can remember something as minor as that in comparison to the chairs-ifixtion scene?

Skeeter's Summary: A little too long, a lot too familiar. Had its moments, but not one for my DVD drawer.

We took a break between every second movie at the start. I spent most of my time writing down questions for my quiz, at least at first. Because the first Reason For No Questions Past Film Four occured.

My torch went dead.

I had forgotten to charge the bastard up before I came, and near the end of The Descent it suddenly became a Hollywood Slasher Torch, fading out whenever I needed to see something important. I soldiered on for a while, writing blind, but as I grew more tired, my notes became less and less ledgible. By 8am the next morning, I managed to write three sentences on top of each other during a flick. I took no further notes that night bar the times and titles of the last four films.

I did head out to stretch my legs in the break, and was stopped in the aisle by a young man in a Irish football jersey. Leon had taken a seat just four rows back from us, as it turned out. His flatmates pulled out of attending late, but he came anyway. I invited him to join us in the front, although in truth there probably wasn't enough room unless he was packing a human-sized shoehorn. Sensibly, he stayed where he was, and for the next 12 hours I bounced around the theatre like a social pinball, watching flicks with all three grouplets. (Did I just invent a new word?)

I get the feeling it saved me from get a pun-related beating or two. Small doses of my humor are probably best.

I also spotted Thomas, the Serious Film Fan across the theatre and said hi. He was surprised I recognised him, having not read last years review. (Which reminds me to take a hard copy next time and leave it in the foyer for the new fish to read.) Later I ran into Paul (Or was it John?) and Nadine (I think) from the group I hung out with in '04. They were in the balcony this time, safe from my wisecracks.

And so I joined Leon in the stalls and the show rolled on.

Part 3: Mommy, They're Hurting my Childhood!
Saturday, 22:15-THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SNOW WHITE

Preview Time! Let's see, we've got The Burning, or "Friday the 13th Knockoff #132". The Curse of the Fly, or "Churned-Out Hollywood Sequel #4,356" and The New Adventures of Snow White. Boy, that looks... European.

Man, this is a long preview.

Oh, Dear God.

And so, a soft-core 70's adult fairy tale unspooled before our eyes. It was Grimm. (*rimshot*) Leon quickly demonstarted a remarkable ability to hit me with an incredible funny riff (or perfectly-judged Monthy Python-ism) just as I took a swig from my water bottle. The guy sitting in front of me must have thought he was sitting in a carwash. Let's get a bullet-pointing!

Ahh, Hans and Heinz, our bumbling Comic Relief Nerds. Bulgarias finest comedians! Oddly, I remember the whole "Bungled Trades" storyline form actual fairy tales. Glad to see they stayed true to the source material.

I'm also kind of glad the print had faded to purple... Hans' slightly anachronistic Paisley shirt was hard enough on the eyes WITHOUT being in living colour.

Snow White is being played by Princess Leias' litte sister, I see.

"Bring me her sex organs!"? I don't remember that line in the Disney version! (She is aware sex organs work better when they're still, like, ATTACHED, right?)

Topless woman being chased through the woods!

It’s the Seven Dwarves! Look, there’s Pervy, Horny, Fugly...

Hans, Heinz, will you two goofs ever learn? No, because I'll kill you if you don't start being funnier soon.

Okay, the Wicked Queen can't tell the difference between the female sex organs and a pile of raspberry jelly?

Okay, that's tasty, but probably really unsanitary. Maybe this should have been the pre-breakfast movie?

Terrifying Wolf Alert! (So long as the stupid-looking alsatian playing the part doesn't start wagging his tail.. nuts. Bad dog! BAD, though undeniably cute, dog!)

He's going to eat her! No, he's going to... Oh, dear God. Just say NO, Snow White!

Hey, how did the chainmail underwear magically appear on Snow White? She's a witch! Burn her!

Worst guy-in-a-bearskin suit costume I've seen this week. (Even though the one Arnie wrestles in Hercules in New York runs it a close second.)

Paging Snakey Bender!

Even the frog wants to shag her! I gotta say, that little guy's even more optimistic than the wolf.

It's the Off-Greeny-Purple Witch! Okay, Blue Witch, but the print is really getting faded now.

Snow White goes down! Maybe it’s the enchanted mirror, or the dwarves invented Medieval Rohypnol.

You know, I swear one of those dwarves is a woman.

Uh, Cinderella, this isn't your fairy tale. Either get naked or beat the feet.

Yep, that’ll do. You may stay.

Hmm, murder, rape, cannibalism, beastiality, and we’re only about fifteen minutes in. My kindergarten teacher must have been the David Lane of fairy-tale censorship.

Comedic fight scene! It’s turned into an X-Rated Beach Party movie!

Looks like Cinders became the victim of “Friendly Cleave”.

Hey, a Nekkid-Woman-in-the-Box!

Cinderella isn’t dead, but my brain is trying to commit suicide...

Heinz and Hans have been turned into doves... where’s Chicken-Fucker Man when you need him?

Cinderellas’ evil stepsisters fall out of their tops faster than the cheerleaders in ‘02. And more often.

Okay, you’re naked, there’s soapy water on the floor... why aren’t you two wrestling? (Leon suggested they were still waiting for the Jell-o to set.)

Prince Hornbag invites the virgins of the kingdom to a ball! I guess it’s a Come-As-You-Still-Are Ball.

Well, despite the dialogue, there’s not a 10-year-old in sight at the dance. I guess there’s a few line even the Europeans don’t cross. Yet.

This is actually a remarkably accurate retelling of Grimms’ Cinderella. With extra titties.

I note this is a sex-flick where no-one actually has sex. Either that or we’re skipping huge chunks of the flick.

Things I Learnt: There were no Animal Cruelty Laws in 1970’s Europe.

HIDEOUS FOOT INJURY! (Times 2)

Heinz and Hans are even less amusing as birdlife. Where’s my shotgun?

Meanwhile, back at the cave of our titular heroine... nothings’ really happening. So let’s go check out Sleeping Beauty.

Okay, Heinz and Hans dual-kissing someone is getting high on the Disgust-omenter.

The king’s getting a blowjob from that mermaid in Stingray!

Annnnd.... long pause for hilarious audience reaction... nothing... nothing... still nothing... okay, let’s move on.

Hans and Heinz can’t have sex with a woman because “They always do everything together”? My brain just imploded.

Oh, that’s right, Sleeping Beauty’s “ugly”, too. Yep, three lumps of plasticine on a womans’ face always makes a man Mr. Floppy. Come out of the closet boys, door’s WIDE open.

I think we’re getting to the dramatic finale! Oh, GOD I hope this is the finale.

Okay, so the Evil Queen was defeated by a combination of her own incompetance and botany? Whatever.

Man, it must suck when you can’t even get a toad to boink you.

Human-ursine relationships... next on Springer!

Ugh, he was better-looking as a Wookie!

The movie must be over... oh, fuck you Hans and Heinz! Let the running gag die already!

And they all shagged happily ever after.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Nahh... every single one was as tough as Eddie Deezen having an athsma attack.
Puking? : Nope. Damn, so much for any running themes this year.
Horrific Leg Injury? : Yes! This one’s still running, at least.
Ugly Facial Hair? : And this one.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Me, every time Hans and Heinz did their act. At least that’s what it FELT like.

Skeeter's Summary: How... European. The smut was funny. The comedy wasn't. But I actually enjoyed it a lot, for sheer mockage potential. Although I assume the comatose Snow White/7-Dwarf Gangbang was snipped for taste reasons?

Part 4: The Second-Easiest Review Ever
Saturday, 23:30-SAW II

I returned to the floor for the next film. My notes refer to “Voyage to the End” as a preview, which I assume was Voyage to the End of the Universe. Sorry, I was losing focus early, huh? Then B-Fest-screened Japanese sci-fi flick Message From Space, which I now really want to see. (Although it’s supposed to be slightly stop-start, as well as totally bonkers at times.) And then... Hellllo, Twisted Films!

Yep, it’s time for the Sequel to last years uber-crowd-pleaser, Saw! And once again, I ain't telling you nothing. Why? Because... brace yourself...

It’s prety good. Seriously, a LOT better than I was expecting. It does follow the Hollywood “Bigger and Better” rule, its’ twist ending isn’t quite as mind-fuckingly twisted as the first, and the first one had a better cast. Still, considering the rushed-into-production crapfest I was expecting, it was a welcome surprise.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Yes.
Puking? : Uh-huh.
Horrific Leg Injury? : Definately.
Ugly Facial Hair? : Minor.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Not that I recall.

Skeeter's Summary: Solid... 2 for 2, gentlemen! Now, will Saw III: The Sawening be out in time for the ‘06 Marathon?

Part 5: Excuse me Sir, Did You Lose Something?
Sunday, 01.30-THE CHRISTINE JORGENSON STORY

Back to the stalls I went, both to keep Leon company and because of the back support I was lacking. Due to the early start time and the cramped conditions, my stomach was giving me trouble already. (I was popping Mylantas by 3am this year.) A blaxploitation trailer was first up, The Mack. Then a young Melanie Griffith in Joyride. And finally Motel Hell (Where “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent fritters!”) And next... ooh, this could be a REAL horror movie!

I recognised the title at once... and had a horrible feeling this would involve actual footage of a sex-change operation. (I was wrong, mistaking it for Let Me Die a Woman... which apparently WAS screened in the late-lamented Incredible Film Fest some years back.) But yes, it’s a docu-drama about the worlds’ first sex-change operation. So WHY was this screened, you ask? Pure camp value, baby! The laugh-out loud dialogue, the brilliant double-entundres (“You know, what you need is a good stiff... drink!”), the insane flashbacks. (“Oh, great he’s flashing back to a much less interesting part of the film!”,“Jesus, apart from the dress and lipstick, that kid's ME in 1975!”). The main character, so torn and indecisve about his sexuality, while dressing in some of he campest outfits this side of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. (“I’m just off to put Freds’ cravat back in the Mystery Machine!”) The even-more hilarious dialogue (“You play ball with me and you could be the Top Boy!”) The great double-take our Hero(ine?) does when reading “Sex and The Glands”.

Then the film moves to vonderful, vonderful Copenhagen. And gets even MORE ridiculous! We meet Aunt Thora, who turns George into her long-lost daughter. (Me: “She went caving vith a bunch of Scottish girls and I’ve never seen her since!”) The indescribably hilarious Dr Victor Dahlmen. Okay, not indescribably... just read this direct quote:

“Ah, you Americans, you're advanced in so many ways! But when it comes to sex, hmm! Childish! Operate on the brain! Perform a lobotomy, fine! But take a pair of testicles and *everybody* explodes!”

You see what I mean?

Even his great description of Geroge/Christines’ condition was a gem. Tapping the wall between a male anatomy chart and a female one, he announces “Zis.. is you!” “So he’s plywood?” I asked. “It would explain his acting ability, I guess.”. I braced for impact during the operation scene, but since it turned into an Ed Wood-like sureal flashback, no permant mental trauma occurred.

The film started to bog down a little at the end, turning into a romantic drama(!), as dashing reporter Tom Crawford gets up-close and personal with his story-to-be. The final reels were livened up a little with the brilliant “Army Days” flashback, which coincided with our first film break of the night. (Right during an all-male shower scene... censorship in action!) Even better was Angela, the cackling harpy of a hooker that would send most STRIGHT men into insta-Hans-und-Heinz Mode.(I did like the fact she charged ten bucks for a shag... in the Devils Rejects, that would only have got you a quick handjob at Charlies’ place. Bloody inflation.)

Tough Female Character(s)? : Well, not our lead, certainly, but Angela fits the bill. Cackling harpy.
Puking? : Yes! And not just in the operating room scene, either...
Horrific Leg Injury? : Not his leg exactly, no...
Ugly Facial Hair? : 1970’s, dude. Very. And a big-ass chin on old Christine.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Not KNEED, exactly, no...

Skeeter's Summary: Surprisingly fun on the whole. And it did allow me to fire off my best line of the night during the operation. (“Okay, who vants to try ze Danish sausage?”) Yeah, that was my best line in 24 hours. It was a quiet year by my standards.

Part 6: Bow-Wow-Chicka-Chicka-Bow-Wow...
Sunday 03:30-CONFESSIONS OF A YOUNG AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE

Ant, is there something you need to discuss with the group?

I kid! I kid because I love. But seriously, dude! Where are you finding these films? This was one of the least-viewed flicks on the bill, nearly unseen for 30 years. (And thus, a crystal-clear print.) And why hasn’t it been seen in so long? Well, let’s put it this way.

Take the central theme from last years Toys Are Not For Children. Change the gender of the “Love Interest” from Dad to Mom. Get sleaze-god Joe Sarno (Deep Throat II, “Daddy, Darling” etc.) to write and direct. And toss out any page with plot points on it. Then film the entire thing in one house and the park next door. Voila! You just made Confessions of a Young American Housewife!

I have NEVER in my life heard an audience make what Ant refers to as the “euuuuwwww” noise so frequently. Overly-public foursomes, parental voyuerism, spontaneous lesbian orgies, sweaty male butt cracks, and a low-rent Shaun Cassidy lookalike. (“She’s fucking a Hardy Boy!”) Just wrong! Wrong, wrong, WRONG!
I fucking loved it.
Of all the films this year, THIS was the one with the most riff-making potential. And Leon and I teed off it it with wild abandon, along with pretty much the rest of the theatre. I should walk you through the plot, although that’d take about eight words. (You could sketch a synopsis on a napkin and still have room for your shopping list.) Anyhoo, let’s give it the old college try!

Ooh, good title! I was starting the Prono Music Parody before the credits stopped rolling.

Starring... nobody!

Hope you like the apartment, because that’s pretty much where the film will be set for the next ninety minutes.

Three women, staring at each other silently. This is a good start.

”Uh, did anyone write us any lines? None at all? Okay, just keep staring.”

This is like Peter Greenaway decided to make a skin-flick. Dialogue is good folks... can we have some?

Jesus, that chick can mow through the Arnotts Digestive Biscuts, huh? (Leon: “She’s eating a tea-coaster!”)

This is the longest stare-down since Hogan and Andre at Wrestlemania II.

Enter, Sleazy Seventies Chickmagnet!

Great, he’s going to have sex with Ally Sheedy!

Expository Dialogue! Delivered around a mouthful of biscuit. (And so begins the endlessly hilarious scenes of “Annie” stuffing her face with food every second scene.)

Dude, you’re not even being subtle about your infedelity, are you? People in the next building can hear you!

Every time this girl has sex, dogs start barking three streets away.

So your husband has sex with women in the next room, and you shrug it off because it’s 1974? Groovy, I guess.

Oh, dear Lord. Mom just arrived for a vacation. Cue the first “euuuuwwwww” of the flick.

”Hi, I’m your son-in-lust.. law, law! I meant law!”

Am I the only one who thought “Mom” was about five months older than her daughter?

Should we just inject Annie with an IV of pureed Vanilla Wines? They’re be less crumbs on the carpet.

So this movies kind of Pete and Carol and Eddie and Alice and Carols Mom and the Next Door Neighbour and the Mailman and the Paperboy... I knew I should have brought my filthy raincoat.

Mom can cook. She’s made a friend in Annie, then. Please hold all orgasmic noises until the after-dinner mints arrive, Annie!

Mom make her excuses and leaves. Leon (Brightly) “I’m having a football team over!” Me: *spray*

”Okay, nice dinner party everyone... back to your place for coffee and sex?”

Hey, Annie forgot to take a doggie bag with her! She’s going to pass out!

Naked MILF! Well, a Mother Everyone in the picture would Like to F... you, get the picture.

Still a naked MILF...

Jeez Joe, we get it, she’s naked. Move on!

We have the Maternal Boobie-sucking speech! Annie, you scare me. (Maybe she just wanted milk to go with her biscuits?)

I can hardly hear the dialogue over the cries of audience disgust...

Good Taste Breach! (Carol: “Mother!” Me: “Theresa!”)

That’s a fucking awful place to put a mirror... Pete and Eddie are having to do yoga to avoid giving their dinkies a supporting role credit.

So that’s from the Bantam Books Karma Sutra for Four, page 14, I believe.

”Harder, faster! Harder, faster!” And Joe Sarno had the balls to take a “writing” credit on this flick.

Annie, if he goes any harder and faster, he’s going to spontaenously combust!

Annnnd... scene!

The first of the Walking in the Park Scenes. And in every single one, the characters walk into shot for about sixty seconds, deliver three lines of dialogue and walk away for another minute. Padding? Nahhh...

Wait, Annie didn’t bring any trail mix or biscuits with her! She’s going to die!

”Let’s go get a hot duh.. frankfurter!”. Man, when Annies blood sugar gets down, she really butchers her lines, huh?

Good god, that’s the biggest microwave oven I’ve ever seen! You could roast a cow inside!

*Jaws Theme*. Get out of the kitchen, Mom! Sleazy Son-in-Law approaching!

To quote Men Behaving Badly, why don’t you just bend her over the cooker and chuck one up her?

Mom must be cooking chicken, because he’s got a handful of breast meat.

Thanks for the unwanted sexual assault, Pete. You big studmuffin, you.

Dinner scene, again! Annie, it’s binge THEN Purge! You’re only doing half the job!

”Now, what’s for dessert? Oh, me! Thank you, honey!”

Remind me, was there a time this dialogue was considered “Hot” and not “Hilarious”?

So, two couples boinking in the living room while one boinkees Mom watches from the balacony. While naked. And doing the two-finger taco tango. This is like, 10 pounds of wrong in a 5-pound bag.

”It’s you’re turn tonight, Annie... we’re going to split you right down the middle.” Okay, is that a GOOD thing?

Did I mention that Moms’ name is “Janet Robinson”? Which explains why, when best-friends hubby headed upstairs, I blurted out “DANGER! Danger, Mrs. Robinson!”. (My second-favourite riff of the night. Even the row ahead of me appreciated that one.)

70's mustaches' make for awful kissing scenes. ("Aggh, a giant centipede is attacking both of them!")

Arrgh, sweaty man-ass!

The guy next to me commentated “I’d love to be a cameraman” around this time. Yeah, but if this guy gets any closer-up, we’re going to see Mom’s appendix.

Man, if this sex scene goes on any longer, it’ll be 1975.

Anyone else expecting to see “The End” flash on-screen.. WHOA, it’s over! Nice editing, Joe.

And we’re back in the park. Annie IS eating this time. I figured she killed a squirrel in a fit of hunger-crazed rage.

"My husband drained his crankcase in your mother!". We have reached a Comedic Peak, folks!

”Hi, I’m the Delivery Boy”. Good crowd reaction. Nice to see we all recognise the classics.

Delivery Boys’ pants by Swandri!

Dude can’t take a hint, can he?

More assorted walking in the park footage. I think the film turned into a Flake advert.

Well, the movies starting to loop. Nookie, park, nookie... what can we do to liven this up?

In all honesty, I didn’t think the answer to the above question would be “New-Age Tantric Titty Yoga”.

I loved the Yoga Mistress, though. Not only because she was the only brunette in the film ("This is like watching clones fuck!") but her classic “I FEEL your vibrations!” line. Well, you’re probably sitting on some sort of adult toy, lady. (Vibration jokes abounded for the rest of the night, of course. I was even inspired into a brief Beach Boys number.)

Annnnnd, spontaneous four-way Lesbian Orgy... GO!

We are really flirting with crossing the Taboo Line, here. Go on Joe, I know you want to...

You pussed out! You pussed out! You pussed out!

Shaun the Hardy Delivery Boys acne-scarring is really kind of distracting me.

Hey, he brought a clue! Let the shagging commence! (I hope she leaves him a tip.)

Great, now the park scenes are reminding me of old episodes of Rainbow. If Zippy and George show up, I'm outta here.

Okay, the films nearly over... so let's introduce the next-door neighbour! Great idea, Joe!

"Oh my god, they're fucking.". I wonder if Annies' brought a nose-bag so she can eat at the same time?

You've heard of Party for Six? Well, here's a REAL Party for Five!

It was at this stage that I commented "Jeez, I'm glad these poeple don't own a dog...".

Yahhhhhgh! After looking at those slacks, I think I prefer the Delivery Boys naked man-ass!

And apparently, the films' over. Oh, wait... no it's not. Oh, yes, it is. Possibly. Okay, good.

Well, we managed to avoid the Incest sex scene, in our incestous sex film. Pussbag director.

I have to say though, that's a film for the whole family to enjoy. *shudder*

Tough Female Character(s)? : Liberated, certainly. Tough? Nahhh.
Puking? : Nope, even though Annies constant eating suggested bullemia.
Horrific Leg Injury? : Horrific leg COVERINGS, yeah. Fucking plaid flairs. Die, 1970s!
Ugly Facial Hair? : Agian, it's 1970’s, dude. See previous film.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Not KNEED, exactly, no...

Skeeter's Summary: Loved it. Great, now you think I'm a perv.

Part 7: Word Up. And Wake up!
Sunday, 05:20-BREAKIN'!

Yeah, yeah, I know. It was called Breakdance!. I also know. Everyone hated this film. Hated it, hated it, hated it.

Fuck you.

I love this movie...

Seriously, what the hell went wrong here? The pre-breakfast spot goes horribly askew again. A neon-bright, totally 80's, upbeat, feel-good, phat with a PH movie! It should have had people dancing in the non-existant aisles. It should have had people popping, locking and breakin' on the stage. Instead, the place looked like a triage ward. The Killing Fields would have had people dancing faster than this! Ten minutes in, I'm the biggest slumber party Auckland has ever seen. And you know what? I love this flick.

Come on, who can hate a film where the characters nicknames ("Ozone" and "Turbo") are less idiotic than their REAL nicknames! ("Shabba-Doo" and "Boogaloo Shrimp"!) Where the romantic male lead would get kicked out of The Village People for looking "Too faggy"! Where Ice T raps not once, but twice! Where a guy makes a broom dance to Kraftwerk! Where the bad guys think a Pink Floyd cap and a beret make them look tough! Where comedy Rednecks start barfights for no reason! Where a supremely-confused looking Jean-Claude van Damme is an extra! Where Ozone has the amazing ability to spot Kelly (AKA "Special K") arriving at his crib, despite having a wall and a mostly-closed door in his way! Where multi-coloured legwarmers and purple lycra can be worn in a public place! Where everytime you think you've seen the gayest-looking outfit, a better one shows up! Where a guy on crutches breakdances with pommel horse moves! ("GYMKATA!") Where a dance-off gets won by illeagal use of Jennette Goldstein! (I pooched that joke in the theatre, saying "Jeanne Tripplehorn", but hey, no-one ever gets the joke but me. Jennetes' Vasquez in Aliens. Never mind, explaining the gag just kills it.) Where the credits list guys nicknamed "Crazy Legs", "Skip Dip" and "Poppin' Pete"! Where the final rap can plug the already-in-production sequel!

Classic film! This was my fifth time seeing it, the last just about ten days before the fest. I could have fired off a gazillion jokes, but, judging the apathetic mood of the crowd, settled for pointing thing out to Andrea. ("Man, Che Guevara always ruins the atomsphere!" "See the guy in the blue tracksuit trying to do the robot? I think that was me in 1984!". Oh, and Andrea says Adam packs to the left.) and enjoying the performance of the Overacting Female Judge in the finale. (God, I love that woman.) Maybe I'm in the minority, but I thought this was a great choice. Maybe I'm just an idiot...

Odd Note: Near the end of the film I popped out to use the facilities. There in the foyer was Ant, and his body language was loud and clear. "Brace for Impact!". Oh well, maybe he'll find Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo in time for next year. If not, I have a videotape of it.

Tough Female Character(s)? : No tough charcters PERIOD.
Puking? : No, but you could get motion sickness watching the flick.
Horrific Leg Injury? : Horrific legwarmers, certainly.
Ugly Facial Hair? : The Schickmatic Cleanshaven 80's look all round.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Me, if I champion this flick any more, right? I'll be quiet now.

Skeeter's Summary: BREAKIN'!

---

Sunday, 07:00-ish
BREAKFAST BREAK(Dance!)

So, We were past the halfway point, and breakfast was about to be served... so what bertter way to wake up the crowd than with a Dance-Off! Yes, A Breakdance contest was held. Yes, I entered.

No, I didn’t win.

Still, considering my skills extend to a backspin and the Robot, I came a creditable third. (Winning a DVd of House of Wax. Yes, the Vincent Price film, not Paris Hilton. Thank God.) The rest of the time I performed the Electric Spazaloo, including fucking up my first-ever attempt at a kneespin in spectacular fashion. That’ll teach me to breakdance with a finger in a splint (Stephen Grey, who’d arrived during the flick, did seem to like my style, though.) Bonus points to the 2nd-place getter for doing an Electro-Rock and advancing on me in a vaugely-threatening fashion. I should tried the Malli Vanilla chest-bump on him.

Afterwards, we headed to the Bakehouse Cafe for a cheap-and-edible breakfast. (Bacon, eggs, sausages, hash browns and toast for $6.50! Too bad for the vegetarians, but hey, their loss.) I decided to head back early to stretch out and catch some Z’s before we kicked off again, only to discover the theatre was still pretty full. It really WAS a good turnout this year. And so, after previews for Secret Agent 101 and A Flea in Her Ear, we were off again!

---

Part 8: Nice Film, Shame About the Eyelids...
Sunday, 0800-ish-KISS KISS, BANG BANG

So this was THE film. The one named film on the program. The one that most Marathoners have been picking as the Film of The Night! And it was a great film...

I think.

You wouldn’t believe it. My early-morning start came back and kicked me in the ass. Twenty minutes into the movie, I started to flake out. My eyelids drooped. I keep forcing myself to stay awake, several times coming to attention with a series of whiplash-inducing jerks. I drank cold water. I sat with my eyes open so wide I must have looked like a possum staring down a petrol tanker. It didn’t work. I’m not kidding. I wish I was. I probably only slept for 45 seconds in total, but trying to keep the plot straight got harder and harder. I woke up a little near the end, but by then it was too late. And so, forget about a plot summary. Kiss off any chance of a decent review. There’s reviews on the net already, but trust me, don’t bother reading them. From what I managed to take in, it’s a damn fine film. Go see. I will, too.

Fuck it. I should have slept through Breakin’...

Tough Female Character(s)? : Umm..
Puking? : My notes say “Yes”...
Horrific Leg Injury? Buhhh?
Ugly Facial Hair? : *snort*
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Whaa? *jerks awake*

Skeeter's Summary: Funny, sharp, slick and satirical. I think. I’ll let you know for sure when I see ALL of it.

Leon took his leave at this stage, heading home to explain to Tania why he hadn’t responded to any texts in the last 16 hours. (He’d left his cellphone on the train coming in...) I meandered back to the floor and hoped for something sutiably kinetic to wake me up.

Part 9: Gosh, Did I just Kill You? Awfully Sorry, Old Chap!
Sunday, 10:00-MUMSY, NANNY, SONNY AND GIRLY

What the hell did I just watch?

Kinetic? No. Wake me up? Yeeeeeah, you could say that. A fairly obscure (Although I KNOW I saw the start of it on TV many, many years ago) British black comedy, this was for me the Pychout to Murder of ‘05. Slow-paced, talky, but so bizarre you stayed awake just to see what was going to happen next. (Thanks, 1969. You weird, freaky year...)

To sum up the plot, an English family, consisting of the aforementioned foursome, kidnap men, force them to play childrens games, and eventually kill them. Sounds relativly straightforward? Well, how about the fact that the”kids” are in their twenties, but dress in school uniforms? That the man they kidnap is never called anything but New Friend. That in the course of the movie, you will hear the titular names mentioned about 14,000 times each. That sex rears it’s ugly head, including the cherry-popping of a cowgirl.

Murder, mayhem and madness.. and yet, it’s so... English! It’s polite, genteele, stiff-upper-lip-type insanity. (I figured it was a government-produced film to warn you aginst the dangers of the English Public School System) The sex is implied, rather than in-your-face, the murders elegantly plotted and executed, the nanny.. well, as Matronly as you can imagine her to be, despite being a sex-starved murderess. It’s all rather talky (being an adaption of a play), rather late-60’s, and not one I’d pay to see again. But the end...

Hoo boy, what an ending!

Or more to the point... “What ending?”!

You see, as the plot turned to paranoia and distrust from our wacky band of Murderous Misfits, we suddenly (And I do mean SUDDENLY) jumped to the final scene of the film. Which was upside down. And running in reverse. Suffice it to say, the crowd woke up in a hurry. The film stopped. It started again. It was still upside down. I assumed a breakdance pose and watched it for a while. It stopped again. And that, as they say, was that!

I still have no idea how it finished. I assume someone got killed.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Pyschotic? Yes. Oversexed? Sure. Tough? Hmmm...
Puking? : Not this time.
Horrific Leg Injury? Politely delivered full-body injuries, mainly.
Ugly Facial Hair? : Yeah, the 1969 porno-mustache...
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls?: No, but Sonny deserved a crotch-munting at times.

Skeeter’s Summary: Interesting, but possibly not the best choice for 16 hours in. But the inadvertant comedic highlight, with the upside down, reversed reel. (Could you imagine "Confessions..." in reverse? Whoa.)

Part 10: The Sherrif is a Ni.. Oh, Wait. Wrong Film
SUNDAY 11:45-FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE

Migrating back to the front row with Raven and Nick (And the slight scary woman next to them) we settled in for one of Ants’ favourite grindhouse flicks. It was one of those “Been Through Every Drive-In in America” prints, with major scarring at the start. (But it improved a lot as the film progressed.) It’s the 1970’s, it’s New York and there’s action in progress! We have bad guys, a funky soundtrack and people are getting shot by... William Sanderson? Now that’s playing against type! Let’s go to the bullet ponts...

Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka. Come on, isn't every them music enhanced with 70's wacka-chicka guitars? Remember The Professionals? Best them music ever! After Speed Racer, that is...

Hey kids, it's time for Violent Puppet Theatre! (Damn, this is a scratchy print...)

Hi, I'm Larry, and this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother, Darryl...

Escape plan? Nope, just luck by lousy driving for these three.

Gunfire! Murder! Mayhem! Just a typical day in the Big Apple, huh?

It's Huggy Bear!

Pimpslapping your hoes in public and demanding your money? Way to perpetrate the stereotype, Eugene!

Nice boxers, dude. And here ends the comic relief in the film.

Okay ladies, let's meet Bachelor Number 1! He's Chico Rodriguez, he's a professonal Cheech Marin impersonator, and if you call him a "spic", he'll rip your fucking lungs out!

Bachelor #2 is Chow Ling! His interest include rape, murder, arson and rape! Yes, I know I said rape twice!

And finally, Jesse Lee Kane! He's a long-hair racist redneck with bad hygene standards and awful teeth! No, he's not being played by Sid Haig, why do you ask?

Enter Captain Cagney-Bogart G. Hamilton! Someone tell him he's not in a remake of Little Ceaser, willya?

“Rulebook” Hamilton? Man, and I though Lucinda Dickey got boned with her weenie “street name”...

We now join My Dinner with Malcom X, already in progress.

”The path of the righteous man... darn, wrong sermon.”

”Yes, lovely speech dear. Eat your potato salad.”

Hey, he’s son’s a Mini-Ali. “Float like a butterfly, pass the collard greens!”.

Man, Grandmas’ a firebrand, ain’t she? I like her already.

They’re stabbing Oliver Hardy! Nooooo!

”Ugghhh.. *cough*.. sir, you forgot your Texaco Collectors Beer Stein!” *thud*

Geez, Cheech Marin must be really stoned to wear that. Oh wait, it’s just Rodriguez.

She’s off to buy wine? In the 1970’s? Great, break out the Blue Nun, we got company coming over.

Mini-Ali just became a Blood-Brother to a young Richie Cunningham!

Ebony, and ivvvv-ory! Live together in perfect, har-mon-y! (But probably not for long in this flick.)

The kids dog is freaking me out. What is it, A Rat-Weiler?

Wrong time, REALLY wrong lace to shop, lady.

”Hey shopkeeper, wanna do some shots?” BANG! “Heh, I love that joke...”

I’ve heard of “shelf life”, but that’s the direct opposite. Feeling a little flat, dude?

CHILD IN PERIL!

Racist redneck takes Afro-American Family hostage. This is going to get ugly REALLY quick.

Speaking of ugly, where did Chico find that shirt? The “Cowboy at the Hero Parade” look never really caught on.

Jesse, slow down, you’re going to run out of racist epithets!

Well, the dogs in the cupboard and the silver spoon...

Okay, you’re all my hostages, I’m an asshole and your pet’s in the wardrobe. Let’s eat!

Man, if looks could kill, Grandmas’ a triple murderer by now.

Passive resistance is a noble concept, but I really think it’s a waste of everyones’ time and energy to try it on Jesse.

FOOD FIGHT!

Comic Relief Drunk Driver! Only not that comical.

Arrest the drunk driver? Before he, y’know, kills someone? Wow, you’re such a stickler for the rules, Captain...

Drunken Rednecks can liven up even the most sedate of dinner parties.

Oh, don’t make dad bust out his Phat Moves, he just ate!

Dad’s name is ‘Ted Turner” by the way. Jane Fonda has better taste than I thought...

Man, one gunshot and he turned into Bill “Bojangles” Robinson!

I think Jesses’ running out of offensive names.

Damn, was it wrong to laugh at “Martin Luther Coon”?

Now he wants him to sing... ooh, ooh, do “I Get a Kick Out of You”!

Hey, I saw this bit before! They’re doing the gospel version of Casablanca! *hums the French National Anthem*

Anyone else getting flashbacks to Room 2 of the Kahiki Plams Motel?

Jesse gets his chance to speechify. Yeah, you had a bad childhood. You’re still an asshole, whiteboy.

Token White Chick picks a bad time to keep that dinner date...

Topless woman being chased through the woods! (Who have thought that’d be a Running Theme?)

Oooh, she did a Greg Louganis!

I think they snipped a rape scene. Good, I hate rape scenes.

Richie Cunningham to the rescue!

Or, not.. run, Richie, run!

We are approaching the line of Good Taste...

”Hey kid, you like Rock music?” *thud*

BREACH! BREACH! The Line of Good Taste has been breached!

Did I mention Richies’ the local Sherrifs son? The shit is heading fanwards.

Man, I’ve been typing the review for like, three days, and I’m one-third of the way through the flick. Let’s sum up until we get to the climax. More racial abuse. The family gets control of the situation. For ninety seconds. Racial abuse. Attempted hanging! Rape scene! (Bleech) Cops are on their way! More rape, implied. But the cops are here! And they do dick. Typical.

Incidently, is that an ambulance, or did the cops bring an icecream truck along? (“Squad 1, left side! Squad 2, fan out on the right! Johnson, get me a triple cone with a flake in it!”)

This is a table. This is the table, turned. Now, will Ted be all forgiving, and turn-the-other-cheek-y about this whole affair?

Guess not. Jesse, he’s about to go Ezekiel 25:25 or your honky ass.

I won’t give away the ending. Let’s just say, it’s a feel-good finale for everyone that DOESN’T get their balls shot off.

Oh, and the Captain totally redeemed himself with one simple line near the end. You know the one I mean.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Go Granny! Tell Whitey you’re made as hell, and he’s got a tiny peepee! \metal/
Puking? : Not a lot, no.
Horrific Leg Injury? I don’t think so. However, torso, throat, head, ballsack...
Ugly Facial Hair? : Ugly hair, period.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls? Not KNEED exactly, no...

Skeeter's Summary: A little talky in the middle (As low-budget flicks always tend to be) but the finale woke the crowd up in a big way. Once Ted went Wrath of God on the rascist honkey, it got ROWDY in there! (Even bleached-white guys like me wanted to see Jesse get his comeuppance.) Offensive, crude and violent. I loved it.

Part 11: Never Sleep Again... *snore*
SUNDAY 13:35-THE EXCORCISM OF EMILY ROSE

I returned to the floor for the last time. Two movies left. Time for the last premiere, the “based on a true story” Excorcist-alike, The Excorcism of Emily Rose. I hate excorcims films. Every since watching the previously mention Linda Blair opus at the tender age of 13, albiet in hacked-to-bits TV edited form, I just can’t watch them without getting grossed out. Too much puking, usually. This could be a bad half-hour or so...

Wait, what happened. Crap, I’m dropping off again. Maybe it’s the body position, wedged between Cherie and that guys giant beanbags? I'm cramped, but comfy. Jump scene! Fuck, that was loud. Shit, did I nod off again? Dammit. Ooh, freaky but too CGI-ed. Looked fake. Fuck, the soundtrack is making the walls vibrate. I’m in a really wierd position, occupying a space that could fit maybe half of me normally. So is the girl on-screen. For some reason I just find that terrifically amusing. Shit, this is a long movie. More courtroom scnes than an L.A Law Marathon on Sky 1 so far. JUMP SCENE! Well, kind of, nothing actually happened. 3 AM is the Demonic Hour, huh? True we were watching Christine Jorgenson having Cliched Fireplace Nookie at that stage. It IS evil! Courtroom Scene. Mild Jump Scene. Okay, that was kind of eerie. Eyelids drooping again. Excorcism Scene! About time...

Goddamn, my ears are being driven back into my skull. No puking, though. REALLY loud! I’m awake, movie, honest! And deaf. Annnnd...scene!

Back to the courtroom. Time to sum up. This takes ages. And in ten minutes, I manage to do what the film couldn’t in 2 hours.

I severly freak the shit out of myself.

You see, in the final scenes, I wasn’t watching the lawyer deliver her summation. I was staring at the shadows on the wall behind her, trying to work out of they were forming patterns. Getting darker, making demonic faces, that kind of thing.

Ever tried that after 45 seconds sleep over a 32-hour period? Yeah, you’re damn skippy I saw patterns forming. I'm surprised I didn't see the ghost of Elvis Presley doing the handjive with John Lennon everytime I blinked. And while near the end I convinced myself I was just imagining things, it was probably the freakiest ten minutes I've ever had in a movie theatre. And that includes watching the Roller Skating Alien Lesbian Nurses a few years back.

Tough Female Character(s)? : Fairly tough, yeah. But she's a lawyer in a modern film, so I guess she's supposed to be...
Puking? : None. I feel severly ripped off.
Horrific Leg Injury? Well, she might have pulled a ligament doing that Demonic Yoga.
Ugly Facial Hair? : Nothing spring to mind. But then, my mind wasn't really in "Spring" Mode at that stage.
Someone getting Kneed in the Balls?: Your guess is as good as mine.

Skeeter's Summary: Looked okay, but a little talky. Not bad jump scenes, but few and far between, with a ton of courtroom drama instead. Ant called it A Few Good Demons. I like that.

Afterwards, we held the Door Prize Quiz. Heading up on-stage with Ant and Stephen, I was amazed at how many people had stuck around to the end. Last year, maybe 40 people were there at the end. This time, the floor was still packed, and while the balcony had thinned out a little, there had to be nearly 200 still in attendance. (I figure we had 40-50 dropouts, tops. That's a phenomenal acheivement for only the 2nd year of a 24-hour program.) After writing up about 60 questions over the night, Ant ditched the concept of an elimination round and just let me fire questions off in an "Answer One, Win a DVD" Free-For-All. It actually worked a lot better this way. I only used maybe a dozen questions, and we were done fairly quickly. I think if we do that next year, I'll alternate bewteen the balcony and the floor on each question, as the forest of extra hands on the floor might have skewed the prize distrubution a little. Kudos to the Irish guy in the back who correctly answered my Super-Bastard Question, naming a seen-but-unmentioned brand of beer for a film watched 22 hours before.(!) One of the regular attendees sitting near me won my Booby Prize DVD (The Incredible Petrified World.) He jokingly tried to give it back. I don't blame him.

And so, we come to the final film. There's no way I can stay awake for this. God, I'm such a wussbag this year. *yawn*. Oh well, let's see what it is.

I'm awake. I'm SO fucking awake!

Part 12: The Perfect Ending to a Perfect Day.
Sunday, 16:00-THE THING

Time for a Film Geek Moment for me. The first credit fades up. No music, no cast members name, no directors credit. Just the name of a prodution company. And I say "Oh my God, it's The Thing!". I'm not even sure how I knew that. Maybe because I've seen the film a half-dozen times in the last ten years. But anyway, I was instantly awake. My appitite, muted for the last few film, came roaring back. (Half a tube of Pringles later, I was done. Next year I'm taking the bare minimum of snackage, seriously. Probably.)

I'm not really going into detail on this film, because most cult movie fans have watched it, right? If you haven't, see it! Get grossed out at the slimey practical effects. Get spooked by the Crawling Head-Crab. Get a laugh out of Donald Moffets reaction to being tied to a couch Get the DVD and listen to the commentary! If you've already seen it, see it again. Brilliant choice for the Big Finale/End of the World/Fan Favourite Spot the final film needs to be.

And so at last, the Big Bang had gone Boom, the Big Bad was dead. Possibly. The light came up, and it was over for another year. Remarkably, after 24 hours of living in our own squalor, the theatre was as clean as it could be (bar a sprinkling of orphaned polystyrene beans) in about ten minutes. Huge props to the guys and girls that pitched in and cleaned that place up so efficiently. You're back on my Christmas Card list.

We emerged, said our goodbyes and headed off in search of hot food and a warm bed. I finally found my bed exactly 36 hours after leaving it on Saturday morning. Three pages of an old Empire Magazine later, turn out the lights, Skeeters' gone a'sleepin'.

==============
The Final Thoughts
==============

A really interesting line-up this year. Some films I would have never picked to work in this sort of event went down amazingly well. The film I figured would have been the Crowdpleaser, was instead the Crowdkiller. I’ve written 12,000 words and feel like I barely scratched the surface of this thing. All I can say is... roll on next year!

And bring back Bigfoot!

==============
The Thank Yous
==============

As always, massive thanks to Ant for running this thing, and The Hollywood for putting up with us for another year. We’re never leaving after the Wurlitzer bit, you realise that?

REVIEW: Boa vs. Python

I can never resist a challenge. I've stated that on many occasions. It doesn't mean, however, that I always COMPLETE the challenge. Take Anubis von Mojo's "Vicious Cycle" review challenge. In theory it was simple. Select one of three movies picked by the other review-ees, write it up, simple as that. Sadly, my local video stores selection of old and obscure was a grave disappointment. So, failing to secure pretty much anything I needed, I was reduced to renting my OWN selection. The CGI-Creature Feature, Boa vs. Python. Okay... let's go to work!

Boa vs. Python (2004)

UFO Films!: Well, there's a surpise. I gues they have the pedigree to produce a giant snake flick, if nothing else. A bunch of no-names in the credits, with Angel Boris being about the only one I recognised.

Atlantic City City on the MOVE!: We kick off by cross-cuttng between Atlantic City and Pennsylvania.In AC, we're watching the intros to a wrestling match. (Cheekily, it's between "The Dreaded Python" and "The Boa". Both wear luchadore masks, but I assume they're just actual wrestlers who don't want to be recognised appearing in a low-budget CGI-flick. (Then again, when you compare the production desgin on this open scene to, say No Holds Barred, maybe I'm being a little cynical. The ref gets off a good line by warning the wrestlers' that there's to be "No licking, biting or eating" in the match. Meanwhile in Pennslyvania, a guy dressed like an extra frm Grand Theft uto: Vice City takes delivery of a truckload of... something. "Ramon" calls Broddick, our potential evil bad guy type. (Hey, he's got a British accent... What else am I supposed to assume?) Broddick's also got a cushy ringside seat and easy-on-the-eyes girlfriend. Bad Guy alert! Broddick checks on his "delivery" from South-East Asia... ooh, I wonder what it coild be?

Worlds Longest Wrestling Match!:The truck moves out, and pretty soon is driving along in full darkness. Which means the cutaways to the wrestling match make little sense. (Unless they've been going at it for like, three hours already.) I'll cut them some slack and assume it's foreshadowing, though. A guard gets woken up by loud banging coming from the truck.The passenger doth awake, methinks. The truck appears to be carrying the rare South-East Asian Roaring Snake, by the noises emitting from the back of the truck. Ramon takes charge, ordering one of his flunkies to open the truck, allowing him to pump it full of tranquillizers. I think you can guess how well THAT strategy is going to work.

Whip it! Whip it good!:And of course, a CGI snakes tail... or possibly head, it's difficult to tell in the dim lighting... starts carving up the assorted underpaid henchguys. This is also intercut with Boa dn the dread Python punching each other in the ring. At one stage, one guy is tossed out the irng, landing at Broddicks feet. Whereupon his girlfriend/bodyguard(?) pulls a gun on him. Someone tell that girl the wrestling is rigged, please! (Besides, you think she'd actually be allowed to cart that through security these days?) Ramon goes for the last-ditch plan as his troops get decimated.. a block of explosives. One false whip of the big snake and it's...

Adios, Ramon!: So long, stereotyped Latino bad guy. Nice knowing you. We don't get to see what happens to the "passanger", but I'm taking a guess it probably escpaed. We cut to Broddicks private jet, which includes of all things, a bathtub. Must be a bitch to clean up if you hit turbulence. It does however give his girlfriend a chance to show off her snake-motif back tatoos with a...

Random Gratitous Bath Scene!: Just before, however, there's a shot of her putting Broddicks hunting rifle on a stand, next to a photograph that seems to show big game. That scores points for me, as it's a more subtle way of exposition than a clunky conversation about big-game hunting would have been. Of course, the film is til young. After a fair bit of slow=mo soaping and scrubbing, there's a low-level "Sanke-POV" shot. As I somehowhow doubt the snake manage to hitch a lift on his jet, I'll assume it's a False Sacre.

Yep, it's a false scare: It is in fact a tiny garter snake, relaesed into the bathroom by Broddick to help "condition" Still-Nameless Girldfriend for the weekends hunt. Yes, instead of hunting creatures in their natural environmnt, Broddick flies them in. I wonder what Customs would have o say about that? Not to mention the Department of Fish and Game. (Futture Skeeter: Later exposition mentions that the Department of Fish and Game has a file on his activities already. Makes you wonder why he's not injail for smuggling dangerous species of animals into America, really. Or is that just my country that does that? I know you can get a large fine for bringing in fruits and vegetables into New Zealand, let alone gigantic snakes. Your mileage may vary.) In a fairly gratitous moment, this conversation takes place while the Girlfriend is still naked. Admittedly, if you're on a private jet with your main squeez, it's probably as good a tme as any to wander about in the altogether. Plus, the boobage makes up for the lack of CGI killing machines in the scene. Broddick recieves a call from his haulage company, informing him of his trucks non-arrival. His resulting temper tantrum negates any Random Gratuitous Nookie, sadly. They're further interrupted by...

Automatic Plot-Specific Television!: Y'know, I swear that gint-screen TV was never on in this scene. But the moment we get a live report (from the Worlds Smuggest Reporter), BOOM! It's on the right channel, and loud enough for Broddick to hear it. Gotta love modern technology. And so, we cut to "24 Miles Outside Philidelphia". Here we get to properly meet

Kent Humphries, Channel Dork News: Kent is hopefully NOT going to be our odious comic relief. Although his comedic mispronouciation of "Al-Queda" is a worrying sign. (As his his awked reporting style and the fact that he's leapt to a wild conclusion about terrorist groups without getting a shred of evidence to support that theory. Spot the guy who'll be either eaten or looking for a new job in a out 80 mintues or so.)

Enter Agent Sharpe: Agent Sharpe of the FBI arrives, suffers through a horrible unfunny interiew with Kent while doing his best Agent mith voice, and heads in to investigate. The exploded car is still on fire in the background, I note. Someone want to get an extinguisher, please? Shapes FBI-Sence leads him straight to a busted-in sewer inlet (Or possibly water... I don't know inlets.) and helps him ID a giant snake scale with a glance. I spot the Government Sp00k! Do I win anything? (Future Skeeter: No, you're wrong. Sharpe in fact plays a fairly sympathetic character, not involved in any Evil Government Schemes whatsoever.)

Meanwhile... At Philidelphia Water and Power, a grate suddenly gets knocked open. Cue sneaky music! And cue the brief appearance (And equally brief vanishings) or two workers. Nothing like an attack sequence where you don't get to see the attacker to help stretch the effects budget. Back at the scene of the escape, there's a brief bit in non-comedy with Deputy Brendan Frase-lite , before the attack gets called in to Agent Sharpe. Man, that's quick, he's only been there for like, three minutes and he's already right up with us, even without kniowing the backstory. There's a litle Clunky Exposition (Yeah, I told you the film was young.) as he asks for the infor on the "Larson Project." Pompting his FBI collegue to blurt out "That was the CIA project gone bad!". Yikes, who tlaks like that? Ever? I'm assuming it's a line designed to tie (however tenously) to either Pythons II or Boa. Having seen niether, I'm not sure WHICH film had snakes getting loose in Russia. It's probably not important anyway.

"And get me Monica Buns.. uh, Bonds!:Ms. Bonds is of course in Miami, which apopears to be in the middle of a rather sedate Spring Break. She'sfirst spotted... after a long tracking shot featuring more thong bikinis than the Carnival in Rio... betting a group of college guys she can hold her breath underwater longer than their guy, a giant mullet-locked dude. And so, we get a good long sequence of people cheering while they stare at each other underwater. She wins, of course, mainly thorugh the technique of flahing him (But sadly, not us), causing him the revert to a 12-year-old boy peeking at Dad's Playboys. She's quickly intercpted by an unseen agent who is there to take her to Agent Sharpe. And in one of those wacky UFO film coincidences, the "Agent" has no acting ability and a thick Eurpoean accent. Thank you, cheap Bulgarian grip for playing that part.

And so... We're off to Elkins, West Virgina. It turns ot Moncia has been working with dolphins, and Sharpe needs her "equipment". Well, we almost saw her equipment back at the pool.. oh, sorry, wrong concept. It's probably a tracking device by the sounds of it. We arrive at Longreen Snake Reserve, there to meet Dr Emmet, the worlds leading herpetologist. (Of course.) Ther's a wee bit of self-referential dialogue before he appears. Monica proves to be a real whiz in the lab, tapping away on the tank of a snake. (Which, even if it's not poisonous, is a really starnge thing for someone who supposedly works in an aquatic institute to do. I know as a kid most pet shops tell you not to tap on the tanks, as it, k'now, kinda kills the fish.) Into the vaults they go... and...

Herrrre's Betty!: "Betty" is the gargantuan Boa Constrictor Dr. Emmet is breeding to produce anti-venom. (Which he does by feeding poisoned smaller snakes to her.) Oddly, depsite having three people in her cage Betty quite happily eats the little snake, rather than making h'ordouves out of our protagonists. Back out in the lab, we learn that Monicas work invloves "Implants"... it's Termi-Boa-nator! Dr. Emmet notes that his snake has been raised emtirely in cpativity, but it would still have the huinting instinct. Which again raises the question of why he isn't Snake Kibble by now. Anyway, we have our set-up. Sharpe is going to use Betty to hunt down the missing giant Python. Sound like a good idea to anyone else? Anyone? Me either.

Just some good ol' boys!: Meanwhile, it's back to Broddick,who's meeting up with his "hunting party. Each gets to turn up individually, so we will at least learn their names. First up, in his big ol' truck is "Tex".(Whoa, don't strain your creativity muscle, Mr. Screenwriter.) His snake-snkin boots are a nice touch, though. Then , in a red sportscar, Mr Foley, the sniper. (In fact, "(the) Militarys' greatest sniper." It's never the third-best whatever in the world, you notice that?) Next is... whoa, whoa, whoa HOLD IT! Broddick just said his girlfriends name!

Hi, Eve!: I should have gueesed. Evem, as in Adam, as in "serpent". This script is at times better than it has any right to be. Anyhoo, back to the Expendable Hnters.

The Danners: Just your average redneck family outing, huh? I hope he brought enough weak, American beer for everyone. And finally, Littlefield, your obligatory bare-chested, crossbow-carying "Master Hunter". One brief Resivoir Dogs slow-mo walk and we're off! There's a bit of character stuff... Danner Jr. is slightly dorky, Littlefield is mr Strong and Silent, Foley is doing a pretty obvious job of flirting with Eve, etc. Foley toasts the hunt and we... cut to black. I take it this was a made-for-TV production, then. Post-what-would-have-been-an-ad-break, we're back with Sharpe and co.

Exposition Central: Yep, it looks like Monicas' implants will help track the Boa, as it hunts down the Python. (And contains a handy-dandy 80, 000 volt shock-the-snakey device, too.) Emmet helpfully points out that this is the stupidest idea he's ever heard. (The snake vs. snake thing, not the implant.) Sharpe compares the idea to mine-seeking dolphins. Not really the same concept, but hey, if it gets us into the Giant Snake Face-Off, I say do it. The Pythons about to get active, it appears, leading to Emmets assurance that, security teams or not, it's on! Prepare for disposal, dispensible extras! And sure enough, it's quickly escaping through an inlet as we speak.

Dr. Bonds, Snake Medicine Woman!: There's a brief monatge of Monica going to work on Betty before we suddenly cut to two kids making out in a car. (A scene that made me flashback to the 1988 remake of The Blob instantly. Even the cars position, looking down on the lights of a city was perfect. Too bad Kevin Dillon isn't going to ride up and take ont he snake with a snow-maker. That would have been worth the one buck it cost to rent this thing.) "Something" givces the car a toothrattling thump. The girls repsonse.. "I heard something!". Yeah, and maybe the whole car shuddering might be a giveaway, too. Her young Hornbag boyfriend immediatley goes outsode to check what it was. I've paused the DVD, to allow you to place bets on his survival. The odds aren't that great, by the way.Oh, and he's drinking too. And has a nickname for his penis. On the whole, this could be a mercy killing.

And there he goes!: Brian, being the male, gets kacked instantly. His girlfriend however, gets a little Python foreplay first. You think I'm kidding, right? I wish. Meanwhile, back at the lab...

Braiiiins: Well, thats an icky shot. Almost as icky as the tender musics that plays as Emmet carresses Betty scales.(!) I'm no longer wondering why Emmet runs that lab alone... long nights, a selection of mice, a nice bottle of wine... say no more. The film decides we need more horror here, so we... cut back to Kent.

Comedy hurts!: Yes, Kent is now reporting on the deaths of the water workers. He's wildly speculating again, espousing a half-baked conspiricy theory that would get him kicked off any network in the country. (Well, since "Hard Copy" went off the air, anyway.) Luckily, Kents cellphone is having trouble getting a signal, so he leaves p his (European-accented) cameraman, and wanders off into the countryside. LET'S GO PY-THIN, LET'S GO! *clap clap* LET'S GO PY-THON, LET'S GO! Is it obvious Kents not one of my favourite characters in the film? There's another nice subtle bit, as Kent wlks over what appearas to be a deep snake-induced track in the grass. Once again, the director doesn't explictly call attention to it, but it's there all right.

Kent gets it!: Sadly, off-screen. This is kind of like "Npthing vs. Not Yet" at this stage. Back at the lab, Betty wakes up just as Agent Sharpe gets word not only of the Horny Teens, but also of Kents' disappearance. Man, the FBI has SO picked up it's act in this film. (Either that, or he's a psychic scanning the thoughts of the python.) Abrubtly, there's a bit of a disagreement over wether the snake should be killed or not, leading to Agent Sharpes...

Finest Acting Moment!: A term I brrowed from the An American Werewolf in London DVD. Griffen Dunne uses it to descripe how real snot flew out of his nose in a early scene. Here it's the huge gob of spit that flies when Shapre yells about how's he's "running short of... PAITENCE!". He plays it well, not blowing the scene by reaching for a handkerchief, though. Emmet offers a snake tranquillizer to capture the critter alive. Sharpe takes him up on the offer, but reserves the right to shoot to kill. Sensible descion, really. (Despite the whole ludicrous "Catch a giant snake with another giant snake" plan, of course.)

Ahuntin' we will go!: And so, the hunters tool up in the time-honoured tradition. There's a sudden cutaway to a pile of the "Philidelphia Inquirer"s morning edition. The headline "Ginat Snae Loos in Water Plant!" The sub-heading "Water Prices Skyrocket!" And the smaller story "Local Teens Missing". Man, THAT'S some quick reporting, seeing as how the teens were only killed about an hour before dawn. And the darn water companies, putting up prices after the H2O's been off for like, a single night. I feel that shot was a mistake.

Release the Boa!: And she's off! Our first glimpse of her in daylight shows she's bright red, and as usual, moves like greased lightning, depsite being 70 feet long and weighing 11 tons. The implant has an audio and video link back to Monica, but within five minutes of its realease, they lose both. I'm not sure why, and the movie won't tell me. Guess it's made by the same compay that manufactures Instant-Break Radios and Nev-r-Start car engines for slasher movies.

Scooby Tactics! Outside, the hunters split up. The Danners play Comedy Redneck for a while, getting possibly menaced by what could potentially be a snake. Or just a breaking branch. Foley goes Rambo, dashing off into the woods, as we go back to to Monica and co. The Marines get impatient, and go off solo, so now we've got dueling Snake Munchies on both fronts.

Boo!: Tex gets to be our first to see the Python, which rises up behind him in a clearing. It's actually kind of cute, rather than scary, it's expression equal parts attempted menace and goofy grin. As usual, it strikes, and it's victim buys it off-screen. Meanwhile, the Danners are shooting up the local landscape, and demonstrating Improper Use of Small Explosives. (Dude, it's best not to throw the grenade right at your own feet, yeah?) They manage to ice something small and furry, so I guess it's not a total waste of time. Eve finds the tunnel entrance, so it's about time to re-enact Aliens, I think. Betty has detected the soldiers, and the Pythons inside. Who's first to score?

Shoot to...Something!: A firefight breaks out, but because shots of Betty would cost money, it's mainly a lot of shot of guys firing seeming at random. One soldier accdently barbeques his team-mate with a wild shot. He gets taken out by Betty in a brief, implied kind of way. Betty front on shots aren't helping my suspension of disbelief... her head is oddly shaped, making her look like she's wearing Dame Ednas' sunglasses. (Future Skeeter: A later shot reveals the lumpy bits to be the Implants... two metal devices that look like the microphones off a couple of camcorders.) The team makes a hasty retreat and we head back to the hunters. Broddick busts out a flamethrower, meaning this should REALLY look like Aliens once they hit the tunnels. And sure enough, they're into the inlet the very next scene.

Getting to Know You...: Emmet and Monica chat about their respective motivations for a while. Emmets lost a sister to a snakebite, leding to his work developing anti-venoms. Before we can hear about Monicas' traumatic memories of Flipper, Sharpe butts in, stealing my "Getting to know you..." line. Riff-back! The Pythons are in the diversion tunnels, so Emmet devises a plan to flush them out to a position where the Marines can trank them. The video uplink comes back on, just in time for a little...

Serpent Nookie!: Ahhgh, interspecies mating! That's not exactly the plan, Betty! You were supposed to kill him, not thrill him! There's a dome horribly choppy editing in this scene, but Emmets scientific explanations of what's happening to a grossed-out Monica are pretty amusing. The special effects of the entwined snakes suck balls, though.

Rednecks are funny!: The Danners head into the tunnels, unaware of the impending flooding the marnies are setting up. Yay! Drown their asses like rats in a trap! Brief shot of the pyhthon, doing bugger all. Well, that was worth the money there. Sharpe, Emmet and Monica head for the tunnels, where the Militarys' Greatest Sniper proves to hav...

Great Reaction, Lousy Judgement!: He proceeds to put a slug in Sharpes chest at near point-blank range. (Sharpes last words... "Outstanding." Personally, mine would have been... "You #######", but Sharpe was obviously a very positive person.) Foley tries to back away, and gets instantly dragged off by... something. Oh wait, it's the Python. Nice of it to show up after instantly wallowing him without trace. (and off-screen, although you probably guessed that.)

Bulletproof Snake!: Danner snr. opens up on the Python, but oddly, several point-blank shotgun blasts simply spark off it's hide. (!!) One whippy snake tail later and Big Daddy Danner is off, via a convienent sticking-out piece of metal. Danner Jr. gets to yell Roy Scheiders line from Jaws II, but hasn't taken the safety. He dithers around a bit, before getting removed from proceedings via a wave of (CGI) water. Jesus, can't film crews even dump real water on people these days? Because that really loked as fake as you could possibly get!

PENALTY FLAG!: Suddenly, Eve has spottesd something. It's an egg! The dinosautrs are breed.. wait, wrong CGI flick. Frankly, I'm calling a big, fat foul on this plot twist. The shagging snake scene was literally ten minutes ago. Even taking into account some slithering around and killing people time, that still pretty freakin' fast for Betty to be laying eggs. Does the word "Gestation period" mean ANYTHING to the people that made this film? Sheesh. Anyhoo, Bettys still in the area, nuzzling up to Eve in a "please put the egg down" kin d of way. (Including a hiss that's much more velociraptor roar than snake noice. Eve slips, however.

Sunny side up!: And it's goodbye egg. Betty doesn't take to kindly to that. Who ordered the snakeskin jacket? Meanwhile, Emmet and Monica are hiding in the flooded tunnel from the Boa. Good thing we know how long Monica can hold her breath, huh? Broddick tries to save Eve by using his flamethrower, somehow not turning her into a briquette in the process. Emmets' having trouble holding his breath, especially when Sharpes corpse floats by in a nice post-mortem cameo. And so, it's up to Monica to save him with the...

Kiss of Life!: Great, all of a sudden I'm watching Splash!. This kiss goes on long enough that the Python gets bored, and slithers off. Y'know, it's just occurred to me that instead of typing "The Python" over and over, I should have given him a cutesy nickname. Like "Monty". Oh well, too little, too late. (And Betty was red... not, Whoa-oh, Black Betty. Ram-a-jam.) Back at Boa Central, Betty lets go of Eve and...

Happy Trails, Littlefileld: Wow, our first actual on-screen snake-related kill! It's kinda disappointing, though. And since when do constrictors bite their prey in half? Eve does appear to heve been offed, though. We're getting down to the nitty gritty, now. Emmet and Monica make the sensible descion to get the hell out of Dodge, only to run into Broddick. The confrontation comes to a sudden halt by the mysteriously appearing Marines, who show up to arrest Broddick. There's a brief, slightly confusing shot of the happy, snakey couple which seems to indicate that Bettys' shorty out and Monty is snacking on the eggs.

Base Camp: At a temporary military base outside of Philidelphia, (A small village in Bulgaria) Broddick imforms Emmet of the clutch of eggs he found. And wonder of wonders, they do try to explain the "Insant Egg" thing. It's not a brilliant explanation, as we suddenly have to backtrack to "They were fighting, not mating", but at least they tried. Broddick makes his getaway at this time, seeing as how being arrested means you get to stand around unguarded, unmanacled and pretty much ignored. Now THAT military Intellignece for you! AND he proceeds to steal a tank(!) to make his big break. One that resists a direct hit from a rocket launcher, to boot.

Plot starting to wander off course, sir!: Abrubtly, a new element gets tossed into the mix... a nightclub is operating nearby. One that coincedently features body-painted topless dancers. And I thought the EARLY nude scenes seemed tacked-on. Enter one of our snakes... it's tough to tell them apart with the blue lights, but I THINK it's Monty. He proceeds to stealth-eat a raver... leaving behind nothing but a blank spot on the floor and a hearty belch. You WISH I was kidding about the belch. My brain officaly just imploded. I'm still at a loss as to how an 80-foot, 12-tonne Python SNEAKS through a crowded club. It's not even that DARK in there!

Don't eat me, I'm only the DJ!: Oh, man, I HOPE I can get screencaps off this DVD. As the snake rises behing the clubs resident disc-spinner, we get a hilarious wide-shot of the clubs terrified patrons. All 24 of them! (I've seen bigger gatherings in a West Auckland kitchen on Friday night! The Marines roll in a second or two too late to save the DJ. (Well, actually, they do arrive on time, then stand around and watch him get digested, but I digress.) Broddick ALSO shows up, but how he knew where to come defys my overworked brain. Man, someone hit the "STUPID" button late on this film. He uses his flamethrower on both Monty (With no noticable effect) and the Marines. (With somewhat more success.)

Big Finale Time!: Now, I have been accused (by myself) of constantly give=ing away the end of the flims I review. So this time, I won't, just in case you want to see the film. (Or even buy it... it's on sale here for the unbelievable opening price of ten bucks!) But let me say it does involve a shirtless Broddick, the Boa and the Python FINALLY getting to live up to the title, a character who's able to continue screming even AFTER two snakes have torn him apart, an unexpected bit of snake vs. snake biffo in an underground train station, and possibly the WORST CGI effect of the year 2004. (Unless the head of a 80-foot snake weighs the same as a helium baloon with a marble in it.) We end with a mysteriously-vanishing giant snake, a happy-ending coda and a credit roll full of people whose names end in "...ov".

Skeeters' Summary: Well, it started a lot better than I was expecing. Hampered by a small-ish buget, obviously, but lacking the tons of padding these films usually have, a better-than-average script and it moved at a brisk clip. Then with 15 minutes to go, the frickin' thing exploded in a shower of abject idiocy and cut-rate CGI. I feel slightly disappointed by that. Worth a look if you're in a Big Monster Movie mood, but don't expect a masterpiece. And trust me, that ending really did bite the big one.