B-Movie Reviews from a New Zealander with too much time on his hands. DOUBLE FEATURE: American Ninja 2 & Cyborg
It's been a while since I got ONE review done, let alone a Skeeter Double Feature. But it was a cheap-ass hire day at the video barn, so let's delve in the Cannon Films back-catalogue! First up, a sequel to a previously-reviewed flick, then, the return of the infamous Albert Pyun!
American Ninja 2: The Confrontation!
Preview Time! La Bamba is first up... there's a surprise, as it was on 98.89% of the video tapes put out in the 80's. Next up The Lighthorsemen an Australian WW I flick I've heard about, but never got around to seeing. It's Galipoli on four hooves, by the looks of it. Nice to see big horse-led battles pre-CGI, though. Supercarrier is next off the rack... a lame-looking Top Gun knock-off with a fair-few familiar B-faces in the cast. And... oh, my God... Leonard, Part 6! I still can't believe I paid money to watch that piece of crap. (Hey, I was young and went to the movies every second day during the school holidays... I spent money to see Condorman, for God's sake!)
And here we go! There's the Cannon logo! Let's get ninja-ing!
Torque '86! Three guys are burning rubber on motorcycles, through twisting terrain and bright red credits as we kick off. They pull up at the all-camo pants bar for a drink, proving to be overly-cleancut college types. (Although they turn out to be Marines. Weenie-marines, perhaps.) Prepare for an asswhipping! (Which would have happened at a Girl Guide meeting, such is the geek levels the bikers are giving off.)
Aussie Thugs! And yes, two of the three get their asses kicked by the strangely Australian (and oddly polite) thugs. The third hides like a sissy, in an obvious set-up. Once the pride of the U.S military has been taken out by barflys, the Head Goon opens a door, revealing a...
Ninja Storeroom! They make off with the unconscious pair, thus raising the average efficiency of the American military by a fraction. And we cut (in a blast of kettledrum music) to re-meet our hero, Curtis Armstrong.
Enter the Dudikoff! Welcome back, Michael Dudikoff! Yes, he's STILL our hero, despite STILL looking like he's just started shaving. We appear to be in the Philippines again, or some equally budget-stretching location. (Note: Its St. Thomas Island in the Caribbean, according to the video box.) There's some unfunny business with a couple of possible-marines who pick up both Armstrong and his back-for-the-sequel partner Jackson. And a quick glimpse of a very English-accented Authority Figure. That usually spells trouble. Onwards though... let's head out to...
Camp Nudiebeach! No, there's no gratuitous nudity. (Yet) But the marines’ base is slap-bang on the beach. Dress standards are somewhat... lax. The C.O "Wild Bill" looks like he's ready for a YMCA revival, for instance. (Who knew marines were allowed to sport two-toned feathered hairdos'?) He's missing four marines so far, and gives a brief description of the black-clad suspect. Amstrong and Jackson exchange a Significant Look as the traditional Ominous Chord plays. On a synthesizer, of course. It is the 80's after all. We get to meet the local Kid-of-all-Trades, Toto, too. Well, he may be called Toto, but he dresses like a member of Culture Club.
Gay Militia Man, the 80's made a lot of guys look a little... fey. Even when they're trading sophomoric comments about women. Then again, Taylor, one of the guys taking Armstrong and Jackson out waterskiing keeps giving Armstrong the eye. Sure, he's the dude that got the other two kidnapped, but he's really too keen to strand himself with a bunch of buff, shirtless guys. Armstrong deduces the problem with the boat in about three seconds, and about five after that it's...
Ninja Time! Ooh, a flock of wild Beach Ninjas! That's rare at this time of the year! Some kicky-punchy stuff happens, as the ninjas employ the traditional tactics of hanging back and waiting for the chance to go one-on-one with the Good Guy. Who proceeds to hand them their collective asses, of course. One ninja appears to get his neck broken, but shows remarkable recuperative powers by, y'know, not being dead afterwards.
Clown-ninjas. Friendly Stab. Shaft! I'm gonna git you, sucka! Armstrong makes a break for it, only to have the ninjas suddenly turn into a troupe of acrobats to pursue him. (Yes, nice ninja-ladder... now let's see you form a human pyramid!) Their group attacking tactics prove even LESS effective than the one-on-one stuff, as every sword swipe manages to take out one of their fellow ninjas. Jackson gets involved, using a boat hook as an improvised staff. (And, as is traditional for HIS character, fights bare-chested.) Meanwhile, I realise a fact about the attackers.
5 Ninjas! No, 7.. okay, 8. Wait... 15! They're multiplying like a hydras heads... kill one, two more show up! Even though none of them seem able to do so much as scratch our heroes, Armstrong and Jackson finally bail to the cliff tops.
Acapulco, here we come! And one quick cliff-dive later... into the boat, not the water, which seems less than logical to me... they're out of there.
Debrief 1/We've got a lead! Really? Could have fooled me, guys. I've got no idea what leas you're following, but whatever. Sgt Shouty gets his Oscar moment post-debriefing. I doubt he won... woosh, that's some wooden acting. Taylor sets up a little Armstrong-acide for the next day. Ooh, I hope it involves ninjas! Taylor invites Armstrong to the Blind Beggar, which is probably the local gay nightclub. (Look, I'm just speculating... he's still wearing those fruity shorts AND he makes the invite while practically sharing Armstrongs' bed.) Armstrong looks confused, but that's a natural Michael Dudikoff expression anyway.
Aussies at 12 o'clock! Okay, so maybe this WON'T involve ninjas... there's the big guy from the opening kidnapping. He's another contender for the Woody award for Least Emotion in a Supporting role. The resulting fight scene is brief, with the result that Armstrong has 2 unbroken arms, and the attackers only 6 between the four of them. Taylor tries to plead wussiness when confronted by Armstrong. (Who's probably going to die a Redemptive Death... or at least a Pointless Death.) The thugs re-appear and another brief fight scene takes place, which is almost as exciting as the first. Not very, that is. Taylor makes my prediction come true by stupidly standing by the window, getting a bamboo spear in the chest. Just call me Criswell. So the ninjas finally get on the scoreboard, at the cost of about 12 of their number. Great assassins, my ass.
Debrief 2/Partytime Now this is interesting. I accidentally knocked the plug out of the laptop I was using to review the flick, losing my notes for then next ten minutes of action. When I rebooted... I couldn't remember what happened! Now either my attention span has shrunk to zero, or this film's more generic than I thought. To be fair, it's ten minutes where the film just treads water, with another lengthy scene in the C.O's office. (And with a huge boom hanging visibly in shot for most of it.) The British-accented Local Inspector is present this time, blocking the Marines efforts to investigate the killings. *dramatic chord* Yeah, I'm guessing he's not a good guy... call it a hunch. And then we waste some more time at the Governors garden party, watching bad comedy and character moments for our leads. The plot meanders back into action with an unexpected Hissy Fit! Delivered by a Random Woman in the general direction of...
Hey, it's the Head Ninja!: The somewhat-Indian head ninja is hanging out with a friend of the Guv'ner. Who's hanging out with the inspector. The wafer-thin plot thickens. The Governors hired goons hustle the woman away, hotly (well, tepidly) pursued by the Heroic Duo, along with a token Marine. I braced myself for a car chase. No such luck. It's more like a leisurely drive back to the same ol' Sleazy Bar as before. The kettledrums kick in again as the Aussie Thug Squad engage Armstrong and Jackson in a...
Comedy Barfight!: Yes, despite the gratuitous, testosterone-fuelled violence, the score informs us this is meant to be played for laughs. Jackson goes wonderfully OTT here, running his mouth a mile a minute as he fights, sounding like Hudson from Aliens on crystal meth. They fake us out briefly with a Railing Dive that MISSES the traditional table full o' beers... Only to have Armstrong and a Goon take it out a few seconds later. Anyway, the upshot is that our Heroes beat up the goons, but fail to get back the girl, then run away when the Head Ninja shows up. Their car has been severely reconditioned by the local street gang, but it belongs to the Base Commander, anyway. We're only missing the "Wah-wah-wah" musical cue to Komplete the Komedy.
Leo the lion... uh, Drugdealer/Toto knows all: More stuff happens. The Head Drugdealer/Ninja Commander turns out to be Leo, although he often gets called "The Lion". Maybe Tony the Tiger is his silent partner in crime? ("Ninjas? They're grrrrrrEAT!") Armstrong gets Toto to lead him to where the girl (Whose name is later (or possibly earlier, when I wasn't paying attention) revealed as "Alisha") is hiding. There's no real explanation as to HOW Toto knows this, bar the fact he's a Streetwise Urchin With a Heart of Gold. Armstrong shows up to rescue her, only to be attacked by the...
Toughest Amway Reps EVER!: Whoa, door-to-door Ninjas! A little more low-budget streetfighting breaks out, this time in broad daylight in front of a large crowd of locals. Silent Killers of the Orient, my ass.
Slow-mo mayhem: Dawn commented on the pace of the fight scenes here, and I had to agree. Could we put a shade more "action" in our action scenes, boys? It looks like the rehearsal footage. In fact, most of the fight scenes throughout the flick are pretty lame... way too careful, and overly stagy. But I was hardly expecting Jet Li-style action.. you gets what you pays for, after all.
Keystone Ninjas/No Reaction Toto: The Ninjas self-destructive tendencies kick in again, with most of their losses suffered at the hands, feet and swords of their compatriots. (Several go out via the Traditional Ninja Art of gently running their sword blade over thir opponents stomachs. Who knew katanas were too blunt to cut clothing, let alone skin?) The good guys make a break for it in a truck. One ninja takes out the back window with his fist, which oddly doesn't get so much as a jump out of Toto. Kids cool as a freakin' cucumber frappe. (Either that or he just didn't want a faceful of sugar glass.)
Street surfing! After getting tossed from the truck, the ninja manages to hook the vehicle with a grappling hook. (Via the ancient art of Bullshit Editing... even without slow-mo, the hook is about ten feet from the truck at best.) This results in him getting dragged behind the truck for about sixty miles. Interesting strategy, dude. He manages to climb aboard, though, just in time to get...
Edited to Death!: ...As the truck drives slowly into a pile of barrels, then jump-cuts into a high-speed Flying Truck Explody. Apparently they just arrived at the St. Thomas National Jet Fuel Depository. Having divested themselves of the ninjas, Armstrong sends Toto back to the base, while he and Alisha get set to head out the Leo's base, Blackbird Island to rescue the missing Marines. (Remember them?) Or was it BlackbirdERS Island? Damn short attention span. And up yours, movie.
What the hell is that accent?: Armstrong and Alisha cit-chat a while, after a burst of make-out music that made me think we were about to see the most tacked-on sex scene ever. Wads of exposition splash across the film as Alisha finally fills us in on the plot. (Long story short: Her dad's been forced into creating genetically-modified ninjas. Same old story, huh?) Because one chunk of plot is never enough, we cut to Leo and a bunch of his Badguy Cronies as he adds his own...
Exposition... and SuperNinjas!: Okay, the shot of his Superninja Army positioned around an indoor arena was pretty cool. Nice colour co-ordination, too. But what's with the Red Ninjas? The one's on black are for attacking at night, I get that? But bright red ninja suits? Where are they heading, tricky assassinations in the Australian Outback? Leo waffles at length about his Uber-Army, leading to the expected outbreak of...
Ninjarobics: The usual display of co-ordinated kicking, punching and grunting is intercut with Armstrong beaking into the base with help from his Rambo-knife. (While beating up the occasional hapless Ninja.) Meanwhile, Head Ninja heads out into the arena for a little sparring practise with the Superninjas.
Self-Defeating Strategy: Okay, I have issues with this scene. Number one, is the best way to show off your unbeatable Superninjas by having them get their asses kicked by one well-trained swordsman? Doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in me, if I'm an International Badguy. Second, he's really killing off quite a lot of your own Superninjas, dude. Wanna tell him to stop? Any time's good. Leo?
Bullshitology: FINALLY Leo calls off Head Ninja guy. By this stage Armstrong and Alisha have infilitrated the base in their spiffy new Ninja disguises. They manage to join the badguy party, and we get more exposition as Leo runs a quick tour of the facilities. (Including his nifty Frozen Marine Pods) As you can tell by the title of this section, I had my doubts about the scientific accuracy of his project. Eventually our Heroes peel off and head for the Marine's.
Punch, kick, flashback!: Of course, theyrun into a little resistance en route. Very little resistance, really. Armstrong also has an oddly-placed Flashback to the first movie, which ends with a smoke bomb going off in front of him. In a stairwell. Don't look at me like that, I can't explain it, either.
Weenie-Marines, GO!: Back at the base, the Homoerotic Attack Force finally rouses themselves into action. (After spending hours deciding on whether to disobey orders... this after their flagrant disregard for just about every other rule in the book.) Jackson looks excited... I think he spots another opportunity to tear his shirt off. So, everything looks good for Armstrong. But as you can probably guess, once he finds and releases the Marines, the first place they direct his dumb ass into is...
The Arena! (Is THIS the Confrontation?): I sure hope it is... I'm starting to side with Head Ninja Guy... he at least LOOKS a little more badass than our Prepubscent American Ninja. Leoshows up with a convieniently-captured Alisha and The Superninjas run in for a bit of sword-fight-ery. And here we go! I quickly learned several important things.
Eventually, though, weight of numbers takes its toll, and all four of the Marines appear to be dead. Note I say "appear". Things look grim for our Dorky Ninja Hero...
Happy 4th of July: But here come the Marines! Nice to see they brought their ordinance from an unliscenced Mexican fireworks factory. I'm seriously questioning their decision NOT to change into their uniforms, too. It looks like the compound is being assaulted by the Jock Fraternity from Revenge of the Nerds. Actually, with Wild Bills goofy cowboy hat, maybe he'd fit in more with the Tri-Lams? Jackson commences with the shirt-ripping and tash-talking as Leo heads for high ground. (Leaving Alisha to her own devices. You suck as a hostage-taker, Leo.) Alisha makes the most of her new-found freedom to... well, stand around and practise her concerned looks while Armstrong FINALLY gets to go mano-e-mano with Head Ninja Guy. Bizarrely, we actually watch more of Jacksons' fight scenes than we do Armstrongs'. I guess the director finally realised who was the more interesting character. The funniest part of the flick occurs as Jackson suddenly manages to produce two HUGE Bowie knives from... well, somewhere. His ass, possibly. If so, even Goatse Man would be impressed.
Exunt Leo/G.I Bro!: Leo ends up running into Alishas' old man, who's wired up a Multi-Genetic-Marine-Slash-Ninja Self-Destruction Device in about eight seconds. Lucky he had that lying around. And with one quick kaboom, they're outta here! Let's wrap this thing up...
Shotgun!: The battle between Armstrong and Head Ninja Guy finally answers the question of why ninjas don't bother to pack heat. Head Ninja Guy produces a shotgun, possibly in an attempt to one-up Jackson. (Where the hell ARE they pulling these weapons from, anyhow?) Armstrong simply dodges the blasts. All together... "Yeaaaaah, right!". And so, we get the Final Confrontation as the two of them draw swords and spend about a week posing with them while Alisha makes a succession of ever-more amusing faces for our amusement. And three quick swordthrusts later, it's over. To avoid spoilers, I won't tell you who wins.
Fakers!/And we out.: Anyway, once Head Ninja Guy dies... oops, sorry... two of the Marines leap up, completely untouched. Nice work lying there playing dead for the last ten minutes, guys. Alisha acts at acting pleased, there's a way too long post-battle wrap-up and we're done. Yeah, I'm sick of reviewing this film... nice of you to notice.
Skeeters' Summary: Cheap, dumb 80's action flick. Not a lot for action fans, and not bad enough for stupid movie fans. Just kinda there. About what I was expecting, really. Lucky I hired a couple of other flicks this week. Mr. Pyun, do your worst. I dare you.
Onwards!
Y'know, for most action stars, their early films are the best ones. Young, thin Stephen Seagal’s films. Commando. Die Hard as oopposed to Striking Distance. But when your early film is helmed by the infamous Albert Pyun, somehow I'm thinking it's got a good chance of bucking the trend. But, let's keep an open mind as we check out...
CYBORG
Previews! Let's see, we've got John Candy in Who's Harry Crumb?, Matt Dillion in Kansas, Julian Sands (What the hell happened to him?) in Warlock and a bunch of nobodies-in-particulars in what I first took to be the awful Where the Boys Are remake from 1984. It was instead Shag. Looked like the same film, really.
Cannon Films! What, again? Man, I know how to pick them, huh? It's The Future, according to an introductionary voice-over. Usual sort of thing, war, death, misery and plague...but hey, scientists are devloping a cure. Too bad whoever was doing the voice-over considered that a bad thing.
Flea Markets... of the FUTURE! Man, they really need to un-clutter this future. We open with a couple getting persued through the debris of NYC (in slow-mo, no less) by a motley group on Badguy-Types. The chick takes off, as her male companion tries to hold off their attackers. He does a less than stellar job of it, getting the crap kicked out of him. (How embarrassing must it be to be beaten up by a guy dressed as a battery hen... lose the feathers, dude.) In a nice piece of Pyun-ish editing, one of the badguys, a huge dude with no shirt, is seen walking toward the fight, then appears to stop and back up so he can join a large group of thugs doing a Right Stuff slow-mo stride to camera.
Enter Voice-Over Guy! That'll be the rather monotonic leader of the street gang. Nice to see chainmail is back in. He wants to own the Cure, so as to make himself "a God", apparently. He ventilates the guys throat, and we fade through flames to the credits. Well, this plot would fit on a matchbook with room to spare. Hey, there's Golan and Globus! Those guys must have been produced a crapfest a week at their peak.
Chase me! Post-credits, the gang goes after the chick again, aided immensley by her flame-red jumpsuit. Maybe she's a Superninja in her spare time? There's a sudden shot of a gang member getting kick-boxed into unconciousness. Hey, it's a cameo by Jean-Claude van Dammes' leg! (Although the editing did make me wonder how the girl managed to kick the dude while running away.) Two goons manage to corner the girl in an alleyway, which Jean-Claude apparently has the ability to see into... man, he's got X-Ray Vision.. OF THE FUTURE!
Who Are You? Well, according to JCv-D's acting ability his first line displayed, it's actually Daniel Bernhardt! The girl (Who now appears to be a Cyborg, due to some computer graphics in her eyeball and a stop-motion clockwork hairdo) needs to get back to Atlanta. I guess she has a plane to catch. The gangs show up, blasting JCv-D (aka "The Slinger") through a door. Monotonic Badguy (MB until the movie tells us his name) takes possesion of the Cyborg Chick. (CC, until further notice) And we fade to that night.
Early Flashback? Okay, I'm wrong... it looked like we were about to fade into a flashback, but it was just a confusing edit between The Slinger re-hearing CC's dialogue and MB attacking a random couple's wedding. (Possibly to steal their boat, possibly just because there's been no violence on-screen for eight seconds.) MB seems to like talking like a pirate, incidently. (Sure, everone calls the thugs "Pirates", but ease on on the "Mates", Jim lad.) The Slinger shows up at the scene of the attack that night and incapactitates a random someone.
Care of Your Weapons Demonstration Gosh, this following scene where The Slinger sharpens his knife is fascinating. Fascinatingly long, that is. Wait, now we ARE in a flashback. I think. Pony-tailed Slinger is suddenly "gedding people outtada ciddy" (his words, not mine), escorting a group of kids whos parents are dead. There's some indications that MB gets involved, bringing pain to a child. Well, that''s just mean! Hopefully we'll find out what this was all about before the end of the flick. But I have my doubts.
Atlanta, the lost contintent!: Random chick wakes up, and apparently even she's heard the plot. The Slinger repeats "Atlanta" like it's some sort of futuristic Mecca. The pair chat for a second, allowing me to make a comparison between their equally-poofy 80's haircuts. (She wins, but only by a fraction.)
The Odd Couple The Slinger and the Random Chick (RC for the moment... oh, and Albert, would a couple of NAMES be too much to ask for?) hook up, presumably to rescue CC. Or something. Fuck, I have no idea, and I doubt Albert did either. A rest stop seems to send The Slinger into a coma, but it's just another brief flashback. It now appears that The Slinger is after "Fender", who I'll assume is the Monotonic Badguy. Although he might just be after a bitchin' guitar.
CNN.. of the FUTURE!: Man, no matter how munted the future is, there's always someone who can tell you exactly where Fender is and what he's doing. That's lucky, or the plot would just sputter out. We're into our third Flashback, with The Slinger giving up... uh, Slinging... to stay with the Southern chick and her siblings. We head to a...
Random Unconnected Scene And just so you know, I think I'm going to copy-and-paste that quite a bit in this review. There's an equally-pointless shot on board the boat, before we head to...
The Wasteland Which is helpfully signposted "The Wasteland". Which seems as pointless as streetsigns in the Sahara, but let's just smile and nod. Actually, the Wasteland appears to be a rather pleasant forest. Maybe the definition of Wasteland has been altered in the future. There appears to be a lively paintball game going n out in the woods, so The Slinger bails. RC stands around for a second, then a jump-cut sees her go from 0-40 in about one second. She takes refuge in an abandoned building (Where did THAT come from?) as The Slinger begins killing people randomly. The building happens to be the Unexplainable Badguys hideout, as evidenced by the ones who rappel down from the upper levels. Man, they're prepare for everything, huh? They swiftly take RC hostage, but The Slinger has magically teleported to the building, too. Commence your kickboxing! (If we're lucky, that is.)
Lucky? I should be so lucky... Yeah, there's a little kickboxing, but it a random mish-mish of confusing eidts. (Pretty much the story of the flick, really.) For those keeping score, there's more testicular abuse in the fight scene than normal, including one guy who gets them abused TWICE, plaus a knife in the back. Bad day at the office for that guy.
Random Unconnected (Nude) Scene Hang on, weren't they just in the forest? Now they're on a beach? Man, geography (Of the FUTURE) is confusing.Well, it does allow RC a quick piece of full back-al nudity as she takes a dip. She runs like a girl, by the way.
Flashback-ette Geez, don't ask him about Fender? It keeps triggering one-second flashbacks. Hey, we've shared our feeling for nine seconds. That's long enough for a Boobie Shot! Aww, he's too much of a nice guy to go for the Random Gratuitous Sex Scene. Annnnd... cue the flashbacking! So he hooked up with the Southern Chick, huh? Good, good... and for some reason, Fender showed up to perve at them... keep it going, we might actually finish the Flashbak a this rate... CRAP! Instead we see a sweaty Slinger wake up abrubtly.
Apocolypse Fender! In the morning, Fenders' riverboat cruises past. Cue a long, extraordinaryily dark shot of... something. I THINK it's Cyborg Chick below decks, but it's hard to tell. Okay, yeah it's her. And.. GOD-DAMN! Now she's flashbacking! Well, at least we learnt her name... "Pearl". (At least it was before her Cyborg-ing, that is.)
Ambush! The Slinger and RC catch up with Fenders' boat at an abandonded factory. Ahh, there's a surprise... nothing says "Dystopian Future" like an old, rusting industrial complex. Fender spots them coming, everybody splits up and it's about four seconds before RC wanders into danger. Meanwhile, The Slinger starts the game of cat-and-mouse, only to be confronted by a knife-twirling pirate. Hey, the guy brought a knife to a gunfight! So why are you putting away your gun, moron? Sheesh, some guys HAVE to do things the hard way, huh? And so a slow-mo fight scene breaks out between The Slnger and the Amazing Chicken Boy. JCv-D gets to do his famous straight-legged split kicks, but basically gets his butt kicked. He makes a break, shoots some people, spots Fender and puts on his angry face. Random pirates attack!
Hey, he beat up Animal! Never recruit Muppets for your futuristic pirate gang. They're not very effective. The distraction allows Fender to shoot The Slinger in the arm, wounding him so badly he has another flashback. Oops, looks like Southern Girls little sister grew up and joined Fenders gang. Oddly, she gets a name in the flashback, Haley, even though barely anyone else in the film has yet. The Slinger tosses a knife and runs like a rabbit, doubling back to take out Pearls two guards. (Which seems a little light, seeing as Fender appears to have about forty guys working for him.) Pearl basically emasculates The Slinger, refusing to go with him because he's "Not strong enough" to protect her. Ouch. Make up your mind, woman. So instead he takes the unconcious Random Chick and bails via the sewers. In slow-mo. This whole film feels like it's in slow-mo.
Pitch-black Persuit Several pirates follow The Slinger into the drain, resulting in a sucession of under-lit scenes. You'll be glad to know they escape, however, "I guess I should have stayed put" Random Chick says afterwards. Well, as you were captured approximatley three feet from where the Slinger left you, it probably wouldn't have changed much.
Run like the wind! (And like a girl) Man, The Slingers' running style is even MORE girly than Random Chicks! The chase is intercut with extra pirates craling out of the manhole, so apparently we're going to pad the film with an individual shot of everyone in the film. Finally though, Chicken Boy catches up with The Slinger in a swamp. (What the fuck part of the country is this? Albert Pyuns' blatant disregard for basic geography, as seen in Knights comes back to bite me in the ass again!) A knife-fight breaks out, although neither man seems to have the ability to even get their blade within five feet of each other. Meanwhile, RC is attacked by..
Her identical twin? Guess these two went to the same Hairdresser... of the FUTURE! Shrieking Harpy Chick gets taken out in the typical blaze of Random Unconnected Shots that make up an Albert Pyun action sequence. (And frankly, I'm about to take out a court order banning Al from ever using slow-mo again.) The Slinger gets the upper hand on Chicken Boy, only to be back-jumped by another pirate, who INSTANTLY carries him to... a sandy patch? In a swamp? Is this even the same fight scene? Stuff happens. Pirates run up. The Slinger gets knocked down, but doesn't get up again. There's now the remains of a beached sailing ship in the background. My brain just handed in its notice and took a vacation. Apparently he thinks I won't need him for the rest of the film. They're back on the beach now! Fender starts pummeling The Slinger. Fender punches once and they foley in two impacts. It's not even lunch time and I really need a beer. Maybe two.
Villian Rule Number 1! That's "Never just shoot the Hero"... Fender ties The Slinger to the mast of the beached ship instead. Yeah, that'll work, dude. Especially since Random Chick is presumably still alive. The Slinger shares a significant look with Haley before she runs off. Another flashback, this time to ones we've already had. They had better show us what actually happened in the end, or I'm going to be very ratty about watching the same footage repeatedly. Wait, we might be getting to the point at long last. Looks like Fender made Haley torture herself with barbed wire while trying to prevent her family and The Slinger from falling to their deaths in a well. She failed. How this led to her joining Fenders' gang, well, beats the hell out of me. Anyhoo, this is intercut with The Slinger managing to kick down the mast, just in time to be rescued by Random Chick. Yay.
Random Unconnected Scene Well, if it gets us to the end of the film, whatever.
Atlanta City Limits! Which are apparently in the woods, although the random burning cars must be some sort of border marker. Do you think the city officials pop out there every day and torch a car, or was this just the result of bad drivers in Pintos... of the FUTURE? Our first matte-painting shot of Atlanta shows that it's a ragged, blasted ruin. Kind of like modern-day Detroit, I hear. (And it has its' own Perpetual Ominous Thunderstorm, too!) Suddenly it's night, and The Slinger has somehow gotten ahead of the pirates. He gives away his location right off the bat by firing an arrow at Fenders feet. Okay, WHERE did he get the bow? He hasn't carried one around with him, and I doubt many sporting goods stores are open in a war-devestated Atlanta. Especially at this hour. He immediately ditches the bow and goes for his knife. Just shoot him, dumbfucks...
Cyborg: The Confrontation! And so another badly-edited knife-fight breaks out. Once again there's a chick to throw down with RC, this time Haley. (I think... it's kinda dark and difficult to tell.) People catch fire, things blow up, Haley (I think) is actually getting ready to fight The Slinger, staredown, staredown, staredown... Fuck, this editing is killing me here. No. it's not Haley, it's Fender about to fight The Slinger. Ahh, Haleys' just watching the rumble, with lots of closeups. I assume she'll help The Slinger win. Or at least just starting crying "Stop it!" like a petulant seven-year-old until she's nearly stabbed by Fender . Everybodys' dialogue devolves into "YAAAGH!", "NYUUUGH!", and "GAHHHHH!" as the kicking and punching continues. (Although that has been the only lines given to the minor pirates throught the flick. Screenwriting for Albert Pyun must be a breeze.)
Two Minutes of Idiocy Later... Fender finally goes down after much "AGHHHHHH"-ing, coutesy of a knife (his) in the gut. Haley simpers on The Slingers' shoulder and...
Robo-Fender ...He pops back up like Jason. Shoulda seen that coming. They duke it out in a building that's nearly pitch-black, save for the... you guessed it... light coming in through a moving industrial fan. Of the Future. The Slinger manages to re-break Fenders previously-broken arm, and either impales him on something, or Fender just winds down. ("AGGGGGGGggggggghhhhhhhh......") Anyway, the plinky-plonky score does seems to indicate he's finally dead. Haley seems to have gotten killed at some stage in the proceedings, but I'm buggered if I know how.
We're nearly there... The film's winding down, as Pearl arrives back at her base... and we finally learn The Slingers name... Gibson. Gibson vs Fender? Sheesh. (Future Skeeter: In fact, the credits list most of the cast as having names derived from guitar and amplifier brands... "Fender Tremolo", "Marshall Strat". Which would have been interesting if anyone actually, I don't know, SPOKE the names during the film.) And less than a minute later, we're done.
Skeeters' Summary: Awful fight scenes, non-existant plot and guttural vowel sounds instead of dialogue. Albert Pyun, you're off my Christmas Card list. Again. Don't bother, unless you're a Jean-Claude van Damme completist, or a schmuck like me who reviews dreck like this. And even then, I'd think twice about it.
posted by Skeeter @ 11:50 PM
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Afternoon for night?: The heavy blue filter gets a workout as Job divides his forces (All 20 of them) to attack two settlements at once. Yep, there's a plan... and so the... 
