REVIEW: Friday the 13th, Part II

Y'know, sometimes you have to sit back and think "Someone up there likes me...". As a bad movie fan, I sometimes get the feeling that the person who likes me works at Sky TV here in New Zealand. Specifically, the person who buys movies for Sky 1's "Friday Fright Night" slot. This month, the channel, which usually specialises in 80's re-runs, dating games and pro wrestling is holding a month-long "Friday The 13th" season. As I've already reviewed the tedious original, let's head to the franchise-launching sequel, shall we? Okay, then...

FRIDAY THE 13 PART 2

Boots of Death!: We begin in a quiet suburban street... well, it WAS quiet... now there's someone in "Bad-Ass" boots heading meancingly toward a house. And who sould live there but our former Simpering Heroine!

Annies' Back!: Yes, the Final Girl from part one is inside, having a nightmare. In fact, it turns out to be a Flashback Dream, in which you dream the highlights of the previous movie. (And dream it from a third-person perspective, too! Boy, that was lucky! Sure saved the film-makers from having to produce expensive new footage!)

Overacting rules!: Man, Annies got that "Whimpering and Thrashing Wildly" thing going on, huh? As she basically recaps the last 20 minutes of Ft13th, I noted her obvious Fashion Faux Pas... Green plaid overalls? Was there a sale at "Ugly Outfits 'R' Us"? Eventually, she does the old jolt-n-wake bit. (Without the slow-mo "Nooooo!", luckily...) She gets up and does...

Nothing, nothing, nothing... strip!: Just like in the original, Annie helps pad the plot for a while, having a poinless phone conversation with her mother. She then teases us by preparing for a shower, but emerging wearing a robe. (And as we all know, Personal Hygene=Death in slashers... bye, Annie!) We get our first False Scare scene as the camera does the slow zoom in on the shower curtain. (Yes, director Steve Miners, we're aware you've seen Psycho... and judging by the ripped-off music, so has "composer" Henry Manfredini.) Annie rips open the curtain, and is presumably surprised to find no-one there but an entire film crew.

Security Plus! (slight sarcasm): Afterwards, Annie suddenly gets all antsy, suspecting someone's in the house. So she secures the place. Now, considering this means she's left a door AND a window open and unlocked during her nap and shower, I'd consider this to be a little bit after the horse has bolted. She creeps around the house, finding an ice pick for self-defense. In America? After what she went through in the last movie, I'd have suspected her to have joined the NRA and be packing an Uzi...

Spring-loaded cat!: Man, that furrry little bugger came in with some velocity! Methinks PETA would love to talk to the grip who flung it through the window. After this False Scare, Annie puts the kettle on (Which actually boils, as opposed to the forgotten kettle in Part One.) and discovers a severed head in her fridge. (Maybe Gozer the Gozerian moved after Ghostbusters wrapped?) She freaks and screams, getting an...

Excedrin Headache #99: ...Checking out with an ice-pick in the earhole. The killer proves curteous in the extreme, removing the kettle from the heat post-impaling. (Maybe he fancied a quick cuppa before the long trip home?) Now I know a lot of Jason-ites complained that Annie was reduced to a typical slasher Designated Victim, but in all honesty, she was never that effective a heroine in the first place. (I still think she only survived Ft13th by a fluke...) Anyhoo, the credits roll after this ten-minute (In this version... some run up to FIFTEEN!) pre-massacre sequence.

Crazy, Ugly Ralph redux: Post-credits, we're back to Teeny-Tiny Town, USA. Enter two DV's... referred to in my notes as "Skinny Guy and Bra-Free Gal". They meet ralph, the doom-spouting wierdo from Part One. (Oddly, he looks less ugly than before. Perhaps because he's not pulling faces with every line this time. Well, line... he only gets one here. The usual "You're all Dooooooooooomed!" one.) Mere minutes after arriving, Skinny Guys truck is towed by a...

Super-efficiant towie!: Man, he don't muck about does he? It turns out to be a practical joke by our Annoying Comic Relief, an emaciated red-haired guy. (I later christened him "Yogi Dork" due to his laugh... it it needed was a "Hey, Boo-Boo!" and it'd be a perfect impersonation.

Minor roadblock: Off the trio head, before running into a tree-branch across the road. As they move it, an Evil POV camera spies on them. (And we get the first appearance of the "chh-chh-chh" theme... no "ha-ha-ha"s yet, but I guess they're saving that for later.) Bra-Free Girl discovers a sign by the roadside... which once pointed the way to...

Camp Bloody Stump!: Well, Camp Crystal Lake, anyway... Ooh-wee-ooh.

Enter the DV's!: At length, they arrive at their camp... along with a dozen or so Designated Victims. They're there for camp counseller training, led by Paul. (Who's chirpy motivational speeches were SO ripped off by that Tony Robbins guy!) Most of the DV's have no distinguishing characteristics, save one... Terri.

Who wears short shorts? Terri!: Good God, woman... if you show off any more butt-cheek you could rent it out as advertising space! A wise-ass DV pings her buttock with a slingshot, thus ensuring a gory exit for HIS character.

Enter Ginny, Pauls' "assistant": Read "Main Squeeze"... She arrives late in her suffering-engine-trouble car. Wonder whether THAT will come into play later in the flick? (Admittedly, it is nice to see they actually took the time to establish the soon-to-be-useless-in-a-crisis automobile, rather than the usual "Hey, it won't start!" cliche. Which is the equivalent of a doctor in a medical drama suddenly discovering his high-tech equipment has crapped out. Or a lawyer in a courtroom drama forgetting how to practise law. Or... but I digress. Wildly.) Anyhoo, they repeatedly stress that Ginny is majoring in child pyschology... Smell the Plot Point!

Misue of Spiky Things: Paul continues with his welcoming speech, taking time to point out the dangerous items that are around the camp. This is Slasher Film equivalent of the pre-flight safety check... "In the event of an emergency, hatchets are located here, here and here. Should a body drop from the trees above you, scream unconvincingly and run directly to the nearest masked pyschopath. Enjoy your flight."

Spooky stories and s'mores: That night, the legend of Jason gets trotted out around the ol' campfire. From this we learn it's been five years since Part One and Annie brought the farm just 2 months later. Which means Jase had one HELL of a growth spurt, going from drowned teen to full-grown adult in eight weeks. The stories finishes with a campfire invasion by some guy in a mask... who is, of course, a...

Red-headed Ned: Yep, it's Yogi Dork! I was left wondering one thing... where did our Irritating Comic Relief find the REAL SPEAR he's waving around? Was the camp built by Zulus? I did learn a few names here... Slingshot Boy is "Scott", Wheelchair-Bound Guy is "Mark" and Skinny-Ass Guy is "Jeff"... Bra-Less Girl is never named in mynotes at least and a girl who lusts after Mark doesn't get named uuntil after she *SPOILER* gets killed. I'll just call her the Chair Groupie. After the campfire antics, we head indoors for some Character-Defining Moments. (Wel, they would be if anyone had a character type other than "Dead Meat" stamped on their foreheads.) Mark beats the other guys at arm-wrestling, Paul loses at chess to Ginny, Jeff does some...

Dorky Dancing!: Which doesn't hold a candle to the Crispin Dance in FT13th:The Final Chapter...

Bra shot! Paul goes for snuggles. Ginny heads off to change, Paul sneaks in for a cheap False Scare and some canoodling. They're spied on by...

Pervy, Ugly Ralph: Sadly, voyuerism is a Sin, so Ralph must DIE! How, you ask?

Garotte Milk?: Yes, Ralph is offed by the worst pun I've made in years! Well, days... I LIKE bad puns! From Ralphs throttling by an "unknown" assailant, we cut to the next morning and the...

Boobie-Run!: It's a morning jog, actually... but let me tell you, packing a sports bra just didn't occur to any of the female cousellers. At one stage, they're spied on by...

Invisible Jase?: It's the return of the Evil POV Shot! I think he turned invisible here, given he should have stood out like a sore thumb in the rather sparse undergrowth. The only one to spot him however is the...

Stupid dog!: Terris' annoying little dog "Muffin" sniffs out Jason and proceeds to run to him tail a-waggin'. So much for those spooky canine senses, huh?

Tight T-Terri, also blind.: Hmm... Size 12 Terri in a size 8 t-shirt... she's a bodybag! She searches fruitlessly for Muffin as the Evil POV Camera perves at her. She stares straight at the camera at one stage... but the one scraggly branch in front of it proves to be oddly effective camoflague. Meanwhile, one of DV's uses a chainsaw... PLOT POINT!

We're off to see the wizard!: What the hell was I talking about there? Oh, right... Terri and Scott disobey Pauls instructions not to visit Camp Mutilated Teen, following the Gravelly Dirt Road while the others hit the lake and trade grade-school level dirty jokes. Ahh, those lazy, hazy, crazily padded days of summer...

Tardis-Tree/Munted Muffin: As our DV's wander along the wooded path, Jase emerges from behind a tree and begins stalking them. The tree looks WAY to small to conceal the beefy machete-wielder, but I'm guessing Jase is actually a high-level D&D thief. (And rolled 20's on both his "Hide In Shadows" and "Move Silently" checks. Yes, I WAS a geek at school.. how did you guess?) Terri and Scott quickly stumble on a mutilated animals corpse. And we get false scare #347 as they're spooked by...

Chief Beer-Gut!: Man, Crystal Lake seems to have a cottage industry in flabby law-enforcement officers. He reprimands the twosome and frogmarches them back to Paul. Paul plays the rebel, dishing out some fairly weak punishment to Scott and Terri. (Although he later bans them from leaving the camp for drinkies, which eventually leads to their demise... Karmas' a bitch, huh?)

Chase scene!: As Deputy Jelly-Belly leaves the camp, a figure darfts across the road ahead of him. This is obviously an arrestable offense in Crystal Lake, as a foot-chase results. (What's the charge, officer? Woodland Jaywalking?) The chase terminates at a real fixer-upper of a cabin. PudgyCop searches it briefly, before jason tippy-toes up on him. (The boy is surprisingly quiet for a big dude...) And for for Officer Pitstain it's....

Hammer Time!: Specifically, the claw-end of one... right into the back of the ol' noggin. Ow.

Exunt disposable extras. (Nipple shot): Back at the camp, we eliminate all the un-named DV's (Bar Bra-Less Girl) by having half the crew head out to a local bar. (Including both the Aisian girl AND the Afro-American guy. So much for "The brother always gets killed first!". Admittedly, neither had a single line in the flick, so it's probably a bad example. Yogi Ned, Paul and Ginny also go for a few brewskis. I forget whose nipples I noted, although Terri would be my first guess.

Skinny Dip coming up? (Yup!): Once the no-longer designated Victims are gone, it's time to get down to business. Terri goes for a walk along the lanke after dark... which is a pretty obvious set-up for a skinny-dipping scene. (With full backal nudity as she enters the water. Oh, don't worry skin-lovers, she does a frontal on the way out...) Meanwhile, Jeff and Bra-Less Girl head upstairs for some Sinful Fornication.

Single Entendre girl!: The Chair Groupie and Mark play video games, (Giant 80's hand-held ones, naturally...) spiced with some pretty obvious sexual banter. But hey, why are we inside when there's nudity happening down at the lake?

Bobbing for boobies!: Ahh, a naked woman bursting out of the water like a sea-lion... thank you Steve "I got subtlty falling out my ass" Miners. (Not that I have anything against boobs, mind you. I am male after all...) Terri heads back to shore, accompanied by Mr Manfredinis take on the...

Jaws theme?: You have no shame, Henry... Terri reaches shore, only to find her clothes have been stolen. By Scott, of course.

Half-naked chase scene: Terri does a quck boobie-clutching dash after Scott, who runs headlong into a rope snare. (He blames Pauls "wilderness shit" for the trap, altough I doubt he'd be setting traps around the campground. And Jason just doesn't look like he posses a lot of manual dexterity. Maybe it's a general-purpose Moron Trap? When is moron hunting season these days?) Terri bounces off to get a knife, aloowing Jason to up his frag rate for the flick.

Seeya Neck-st time, Scott!: Somebody stop me before I pun again! Jason proceeds to ventilate Scotts throat with a machete. Terri runs back, discovers the corpse and...

What the? (Cut?): Abrubtly vanishes from the flick after one scream. I suspect a massive edit in post-production, as Liz at "And You Call Yourself a Scientist" noted the same missing chunk of footage. In any event, we'll assume Terri pays for her Fashion Sins in some suitably gory manner.

Psychology 001: Out in redneck-Ville, Ginny disects Jasons personal problems, providing a half-assed explanation for his anti-social behaviour. He's just peeved because he saw Momy Dearest having her head lopped off, apparently. Which is pretty sketchy logic, seeing as how he supposedly DROWNED twenty-five odd years ago. Meanwhile, Paul and Red-Hed Ted make bad jokes and drink. (With our Comic Relief proving to have at least one Character Quirk... collecting the beer bottles he's emptied rather than letting the barmaid clean up. Oddly, I did the same thing when I first hit the pubs at a not-quite-legal nineteen.)

Nookie/Backstory/Ewww... tongues!: Back at the ranch, Jeff and Bra-Less Girl are in the throes of ecstasy. Meanwhile, we learn about why Mark is in a wheelchair and pick up on him being the clean-cut guy who doesn't do drugs or drink. (He's "In training", although it's never made clear exactly what he's training for. Even after chair Groupie asks him, he just kinda shrugs. Guess the scriptwriter ran out of ideas half-way through.) We cut back to the bedroom to watch Jeff and Bra-Lass girl share a disturbingly squishy post-coitial kiss. Bogart and Bacall in The Big Sleep that AINT!

Rent-a-Storm approaches! Bra strap=Death?: The Chair Groupie and Mark decide to finish their games night with a quick round of Hide the Salami. Chair Groupie slips out to her cabin to change.. and what do you know? There's Ominous Thunder(TM) rumbling in the distance. Knew we were missing something... She does a discreet strip, as Pervy Jason (We assume... the POV shots are so over-used by this point, it could be anyone or no-one at all.) spies on her. She goes nuts with the perfume... even spraying a shot of it down her underwear. Ummm.. ouch!

Vicky! (Bad Delivery): Mark rolls out to the porch to look for the Chair Groupie.. and calls out her name! (I have no idea where he learnt it from... I've been watching the movie for an hour and it's the first time it's been uttered.) It's not Marks' finest acting moment, though... did they film the rehearsal by mistake? EMOTE, buddy...

Splitting Headache/Sex and death: And abrubtly, Mark exits stage left with a machete in the face. (Rolling down a flight of stairs to boot.) Nice to see Jason is an Equal Opportunity Homicidal Maniac. We cut from him to our Designated Bonkers, getting ready for Round 2. Jason heads inside, collecting the aforementioned spear on the way.

Oh, spear me. (AKA, The Human Shish-kabob): And let THAT be a lesson to them. Sex is bad, mmm'kay?

Paul and Ginny head back: In doing so, they leave Red-Head Ned behind. He finds out about an after-hours bar, and departs the film. Yes, the Annoying Comic Relief SURVIVES! I want a refund! Back to The Chair Group... uhhh, Vicky. She discovers she's all alone and heads upstairs.

I posed them!: Where she finds a bed full of Jason, who's wearing a flour sack on his head. His "Sporting Equipment" fashion sense wouldn't develop until Part 3... here, with just one staring eye visible in a sea of brown hessian, he appears to be playing "Mr Potatohead Goes Insane". Vicky turns to flee and finds Jeff stapled to a wall. And proceeds to demonstrate...

Great defensive tactics! Not.: Hey, Vicky? If you just stand there and scream, Jason's probably going to kill you? Vicky? Ooh, that looked painful...

Scooby Gang! Sack-Head Jason: Paul and Ginny return about now. They find the place deserted, of course and begin a search. (Pauls' "Hero" factor slips a few notches as Ginny asks "What's going on?" only to recieve a curt "Nothing!" from Paul. That was just plain rude, dude...) In the cabin, Ginny Spidey-senses start a'tingling as she detects Jason hiding in the living room. Paul and Jase duke it out as Ginny watches on.

DO SOMETHING, Ginny!: In fact, she watches on so well, eventually there's a thump and only Jason stands up. We'll take a short break while I sing a quick chorus of "Stand By Your Man".

Okay, we're off to the races... Ginny out-sprints Jason and locks herself in another room. There's a jump scene that's so badly telegraphed (She backs toward a window, Jason pops up like a Jack-In-The-Box) the scene should have been sponsered by Western Union. Then, after all the assorted pointy things we've seen in the movie so far, Jason selcts a somewhat unexpected weapon...

Pitchfork attack!: Th' hell? Where did THAT come from? More running and hiding from Ginny, who discovers Ralphs body on the way. (In a nice moment of synchronicity, he's been stashed in the pantry... where he was hiding during the first flick.) Ginny bails for the car... and guess what?

Car trouble! (Cousin Jethro?)/Three points!: yep, the car won't start... aint it always the way? Jason finds her there and does some amatuer panelbeating. It's here that I noticed his attire... bib-overalls and a plaid shirt. (Leading me to the MST3K-esque outburst "I'm gonna bury her in the ce-ment pond, Uncle Jed!". Sadly, I was home alone at the time, but it probably would have been an amusing moment if anyone else had been present. It amused me, at any rate.) Ginny escapes from Jase by punting him between the uprights. While Jason clutches his dangly bits, she makes a break for it.

Hide-and-go-visible? Happy feet!: For about six feet... then she ducks behind the hood of a car. Which is clearly not tall enough to conceal her. Jason still manages to miss her, possibly because his twenty years in the lake has shriveled his brain to the size of a pickled onion . Ginny returns to the cabin and Practises the Art of Not Being seen beneath a bed. Jason wanders around the room while we get Doris wishman-esque shots of his shoes. All looks good for Ginny until a rat runs under the bed with her. Leading to the...

Pee-pee scene: Okay, that's a stretch... A deranged lunatic chases you with a pitchfork and you're fine. A rat runs over your hand and you evacuate your bladder? I don't think so, Tim...

Prattfall Jason!: Jason appears to leave the room, so Ginny...



And then the review skewed into an entirely different style. Why? Mainly because I misplaced my notes and left the disc I was working off at home. And so, six days after watching the movie, I now try to recall the finale off the top of my head.

I believe we were at Pratfall Jason... So, Ginny scrambles out of the bedroom with Jase in Hot Pursuit... or would be if he didn't fall on his ass in a vaugely comedic moment. (I THINK the chair he was standing on collapsed, but the ol' synapes are a tad hazy... mainly because the movie is fairly generic in the first place. And I'm sure ginny defended herself with the camp chainsaw, but I'm buggered if I can remember where.) Once more, we're off and running. After the usual chase through the woods, Ginny miraculously arrives at the same run-down cabin as Officer Abs of Donut Batter was offed in earlier on. Here she springs a surprise ambush on a filthy toilet and a clogged bathtub. (Maybe there's students living there?) In one of the best constructed shots of the entire series, we spy Jason approaching the hut through a broken window. (Although my brain is insisting the shot was far too bright to have been filmed at night. (Maybe that was a REALLY long chase through the woods?)

Ginny ducks into the huts second room, which holds a fine example of a Deranged Maniac Shrine... Several random victims lying around the severed head of Mrs Voorhees. Ginnys Child Pyshology lightbulb goes on, and she quickly throws on the Late Mrs Vorhees sweater. Jason, having the cognitive faculties of a fava bean, sees her and instantly believes Mommys come back from the dead. (Even though as disguises go, it's about on a par with Bugs Bunny putting on a dress and having Elmer Fudd instantly fall in love with him.) Ginny orders Jason to drop to his knees, which he meekly complies with. I'm now worried that the Voorhees family was a BIT closer than is strictly healthy. Whereupon she raises her machete to behead him. (You're now asking "What machete?", most probably. I THINK she stole Jasons after his pratfall, but don't quote me. I remember thinking she'd missed a great opportunity to take the next obvious step, though... ie. burying it in his head while he was down.)

As she goes to strike, however, Jason spots Moms head behind her. he proceeds to gouge a nice chunk out of Ginnys leg with the pitchfork handle. (What do you mean, I forgot to mention he broke the pitchfork? I'm sure I mentioned that... damn, I SO need my notes!) Anyhoo, things looks bleak for Ginny, when who should burst in but Paul! (Weenie-Man to the rescue!) Jason/Paul 2: The Death Match breaks out, as Ginny suddenly becomes the simpering passive spectator girl again. Just leave her to Jason, Paul... She's TRYING to get you killed. Eventually, she remembers the fact that her machete JUST MIGHT be useful, burying it it Jasons' shoulder as he goes for the deathblow on Paul. (Just like Annie before her, our Heroine seems to gain superhuman powwers just when she needs them... either that or Jasons collarbone is made of Play-Doh.)

As per-usual, our Dipshit Final couple make Slasher Movie Goof #1 as they leave. (ie. Not actually taking a second to confirm the villan is actually dead.) And so we get our final False Scare in an endlessly protraced scene. (And includes the return of Muffin, the worlds stupidist dog.) And for the second movie in a row, a stupid Shock Ending that just doesn't make much sense. Oh well, anything to kep the franchise rolling along, huh?

Skeeters Summary: Technically speaking, a massive improvement on the original. The plot (And I use that term fairly lightly) progresses at a rapid clip once the... *ahem*.. "Dead" weight departs for the local boozer. However, it's filled with generic, cardboard characters who just kind of fill time until it's their turn to be slaughtered. Plus, the obvious chainsaw-editing in post-production removes most of the gore... and a goreless Slasher Flick is pretty much an oxymoron. All in all though, there are worse ways to waste ninety minutes. I could be watching Street Wars again, for instance...

REVIEW: Night of the Demons 2

Night of the Demons... A movie I've never actually watched. Sorry, but Linnea Quigleys' "Emotional Range of a Housebrick" acting style does nothing for me. (Unlike her "other" attributes. Okay, let's be honest. I'm talking about her tits. Sue me.) But recently, I late-night channel-surfed my way to;

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2(1993)

...So let's check it out, shall we?

I stumbled onto this stunning waste of film stock around ten minutes in, but luckily was able to pick up on the "plot" pretty quickly. (I'm guessing the opening would have been a simple re-cap of the original, anyway.) As it seemed to work pretty well last time out, I'm going to use my "Verbatimly-Transcribed Notes" approach. And here we go...


10 Minutes in, Cliches already stacking up.: Yes, right off the bat, we're presented with the usual gang of Stock Characters... The Bitchy Slut, the Wussy Virgin Girl, The Oversexed Jock and the Geeky Study-Hound. Plus, since we're in a convent school (for "Problem Teens", it transpires", we get the Strict Ruler-Wielding Nun and the Priest Who's Lost His Faith. (Although here, he just comes off as overly-sarcastic about spiritual matters.)

Legends, Demonology & Perry: Perry is the aforementioned Geeky Study-Hound. He's blessed with a face so long, it appears his mother had an intimate relationship with a racehorse. He looks awfully familiar, but I didn't twig as to where I'd seen him until much later in the film. Here he debates the existance of demons with the Cyncial Priest.

"Bigger, stronger... better looking!"(??): This was Perrys assessment of why Obnoxious Jock "Kurt" and Kurts' buddy (Who's name I lazily forgot to note down) are able to order him around. I took issue with the "Better looking" line, as they were two fairly plain-looking actors. (Incidently, I'll refer to Kurts' buddy as "Ralph", due to his later Karate Kid-like antics.)

"Kingsnake" Kurt: Yes, Jock-Boy Kurt is supposedly known as "Kingsnake" to his friends. Thus allowing the oh-so-witty retort from the Slutty Badgirl "I'll call you Inchworm"... Excuse me while a barely crack a smile. (Incidently, Slutty Badgirl proves to have supciously-visible crowsfeet for a "schoolgirl"...)

Obnoxious teens grounded before school dance: Said teens are Slutty Girl and Kurt, (Crime: Canoodling on the tennis court), Ralph and the Obvious Heroine Who Looks Eerily Like Molly Ringwald ("Molly" from now on... Crime: Watching said canoodling.)

Perry decides to summon demon as an experiment: Good plan, huh? Well, if you're planning a demon-fuelled massacre, that is...

Bill and Ted's Excellent Summoning!: I'm guessing I had some exceptionally witty remark connected to this phrase, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was... I HAVE to stop writing reviews three days after watching the film...

Oversexed Chick acts like plank: And that's a KIND assessment of her screen prescence...

Necronomicon. Summoning extinguishes candles.: Perrys' Necronomicon isn't a patch on Ashs'... It's so bland it muct have been the Encylcopedia Necronomica... Although Demon Summoning does seem to be a useful way to put out those annoying "Magical Relighting Candles" people always stick on my birtdhay cake...

Mirror Demon, brief: Perrys summoned demon does a restrained burst out of a mirror, then departs. Perry is subsequently grounded by Cyincal Priest for stealing his robe. (Which ranks higher in the Cynical Preist List O' Sins thatn Gratuitous Demon-Summoning...)

Kurt fondles Plankgirl, RGBS: RGBS is of course the fabled RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! This is the first of several, naturally...

Random teens waste time discussing fashion, insult Mouse: Mouse is the Wussy Virgin Girl With A Troubled Past, in case you're curious...

Bitchy Plankgirl taking Molly Ringwald 2K, Blondie and Mouse to a party: Mouse is NOT a willing party-goer, but is too much of a wimp to back out. Ralph and Kurt are checking out the girls dorm with binoculars during this rather long and dull scene, allowing us to get a...

RANDOM GRATUITOUS BRA SCENE: Which doesn't add to the plot in any way, but does serve to pad the running time...

Intro "Rick", "C'mere, sweet-tits!" As you can tell, Plankgirls' main squeeze is QUITE the charmer... They drive to the party as we get a load of...

Perry, Amatuer Sleuth!: Admittedly, his detecive prowess is undermined somewhat as the "clue" he finds, (A map to the party location) has been left in plain sight on a bed.

Someone switches signs, sends group to Hull House: Which, I'm guessing, was probably the location for the first film. Mouse freaks when she sees the sign, anyway... But... Who switched the sign? It's a mystery!

"Someone" is a JD-Lite: No, it's not a mystery, as the perpetrator reveals himself mere seconds after the gang drive off. I refer to him as a Juvinile Deliquent Lite because he just doesn't LOOK that threatening, despite his faux-punk threads...

The Mouse that roared: Mouse freaks out even more as they arrive at Hull House. This upsets...

Macho Rick!: Who gets all Dominant Male on us...

Mouses' sis victim in first film: Oh, THERE'S an original plot twist... She decides to stay in the car while the rest head in to have pre-marital sex and get slaughtered...

Rent-a-storm: That's the kind that starts up the moment you enter a creepy house. Obvious Tell-tale signs of a Rent-a-Storm include stobe-light-type lightning, badly syncronised thunder and the fact that there was ZERO sign of a brewing storm ten seconds before it started.

Evil Dead-Cam: We get the old ankle-level shot as "something" rushes through the house, slamming doors. What a rude Evil Presence...

Predictions!: At this stage, I scrawled a list of who I thought would live out the film, and who was toast. Here's my picks;

Dead: Rick, Plankgirl, Kurt, JD-Lite, Blondie, Priest, Nun, Perry (Possibly)

Survivors: Ralph, Mouse, Molly

Final Girl: Molly or Mouse.

Molly wants to "take walk"...: Read "Shag the socks of Ralph"... I immediately downgraded Molly from "Final Girl" to possible Body Bag...

Scooby Gang split up: Everyone pairs off for some tongue-wrestling as Plankgirl invokes the forces of Darkness, foolishly painting a pentagram on a wall. She's also brought a black cat to sacrifice. Ahh, the wholesome joys of Halloween...

Mass make-out, shadow puppets, RGBS: Ooh, spooky demon-shadows on the walls! Quick, let's get Molly to flash her boobs before the audience freaks out!

Telegraphed false scare, kitty escape, Mouse menacing: Mouse is chased into the house by JD-Lite in a werewolf mask, allowing the black cat to make a hasty escape. The Evil Trio decide to sacrifice Mouse instead. As you do.

"Romantic"??, Demon Voyeurism: Molly has odd tastes, as she seems to think a mouldy, cobweb festooned four-poster bed in a cold, leaky house is a romantic spot for some illicit nookie. A Demon appears briefly to perve at them.

Unconsummated Sex=Death Excemption?: Molly and Ralph experience Screamus Interruptus, therefore possibly saving them from Death by Sin... Bonus points in their favour as Ralph is packing a condom and WAS going to use it!

Dickhead JD's fake knife: JD-Lite proves to be super-irritating, playing the role as Loony Tunes as he can. I upgrade his status to "First Person I'd Like To See Killed"... AKA The "Ned" Award... See "Friday The 13th" for the definition of a "Ned"... He "stabs" Ralph, revealling his knife to be a party trick. Man, this movie is really making us beg for something interesting to happen, huh?

Angelas back! Mouses' sister returns... in pog form! (Wait, that's ALF... Angela returns in leather-clad Demoness form...)

Tidy-Bowl Demon?: Blondie discovers a demon... in the toilet. Y'know, I could think of a million places I'd rather manifest myself than a filthy crapper if _I_ was a demon...

JD even DIES annoyingly!: (Or at least I THOUGHT he was dead...) And how does he seem to die, you ask?

Rogered to Death!: Yes, Angela slips JD-Lite some major tongue and tries to bonk the life out of him. Well, if you gotta go, that's the way to do it, huh? Everyone else bugs out, heading back to to the Convent school. There, the Nun-run dance is in full swing... at least after Perry drags off the ruler-wielding chaperone. Someone cranks some bad heavy metal and we get a display of...

Uncoordinated Frolicing!: As everyone dances like an untalented extra from a bad Elvis movie.

Where the hell did the storm go?: That was my plantative cry as I realised the "storm' had vanished completely ten seconds after leaving Hull House. I guess it's a VERY localised storm system...

Kurt & Blondie go forth and sin: Yep, those two are dead meat...

Killer Lipstick Attack!: Plankgirl has brought back a souvineer from Hull House. As she goes to use the pilfered lipstick, however, an icky-looking tendril shoots out. This leads to the even more icky...

Lipstick Rape? (With post-coitial smoking!): Yes, the tendril goes straight up Happy-Land as smoke drifts from the now-empty tube. That was a visual I'll be trying hard to forget... (Besides, it's an obvious rip-off of the "Tree Rape" scene in Evil Dead....)

RGLesbianKiss/RGHeavingBreasts: Angela appears for a quick smooch session with Plankgirl, who gets all possessed and stuff. I forget whos' breasts were heaving, although I know my stomach was from the Tendril-Rape scene...

Cannibal Corpse Music, RGBS: I'm not sure what's worse now, the inane plot or the god-awful music. The kids are still doing their uncoordinated dancing, despite the head-banging music. Guess it was dubbed in in post-production... The boobies belong to Plankgirl this time, as she flashes Rick.

Killer Breast Attack!: Okay, here's where I started to doubt my own sanity. Rick goes for a double-handful of Plankgirls dirtypillows... and they morph (badly) into hands that secrete acid onto him. Rick dies a messy death at the hands, teeth and boobs of Demonic Plankgirl. Perry and the Nun lead a quick evacuation of the room... and suddenly it hit me!

Perry was the kid in "Tremors: Making this a SEVERE comedown... from one of my favourite modern monster flicks to this piece of cinematic sewerage..

Laugh? I almost started. (Rambo): Perry and the Nun "tool up" in a ludicrous "Prepping the Holy Water-Loaded Super Soaker" scene... At this point in the flick, we suddenly started veering wildly between the typical horror cliches and jarring self-parody... Whatever the directors intent was, all it did was annoy the hell out of me, and encourage a butt-load of channel-surfing.

Fondler Demon/Head Line/RGLK: Kurt is given a "helping hand" by a Demon during some front-seat tounge-wrestling. When he discovers the third hand getting in on the action, it flips him the bird. Oh, the hilarity... Kurt is dispatched via decapitation, leading to an equally-hilarious "Want some head?" line... Blondie gets the LESBIAN KISS OF DEATH and is likewise Demonified...

BlondieDemon Attacks!: Mollys' "Final Girl" status is assured during this attack, as she becomes the first person to survive a demon attack. (With the help of Perrys' Holy Super-Soaker.)

By now, the lack of plot/scares/acting talent had driven me to distraction. And so, I'll sum up the remaining film with Andrew Borntregers's time-honored (And much copied) "Things I Learned From This Film" approach...

THINGS I LEARNED FROM "NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2"

A demons natural form resembles an easily-squishable Mutant Cockroach

Demonism is contagious, much like zombie-ism...

Priests who scoff at the existance of demons are fated to suffer an Ironic Death.

Super-Soakers can hold upwards of 4,000 gallons of Holy Water.

Nuns are trained in both Ruler-Fu and Rosary-Fu. (A scene that SO irritated me... NO-ONE steals the "I kick ass for the Lord!" bit!)

Demon Kurt has a "head" for basketball...

Demon JD-Lite dies an even more annoying death than Living JD-Lite.

The Rent-a-Storm had moved two channels over to "Warlock 3"... so, I was channel-surfing, okay?

Channel-surfing between two horror movies increases your chance of seeing a RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT by at least 75%.

Channel-surf between two horror movies and the Amanada-Donohoue-In-The-Buff "Castaway" and you feel like you're attending Boobie-Fest 2002...

Kung-fu DOES work on Demons, but has no effect on doors.

Predictability in your finale is a GOOD thing... (I called Mouses' Semi-Badass line of "My name is MELISSA!" no less than ten seconds before she delivered it. I also guessed the Amanda Demon would explode messily at the end of the flick.

Demons explode in sunlight. Messily.

Ending your film with a bad CGI effect to set up another sequel is ALSO a good thing...


Skeeters Summary: Cheap, dull and not scary. At all. I realise now I've devoted WAY too many words to a film I could have summed up by typing "CRAP!" over and over again. Besides, it looked like a British TV movie with its' washed-out, shot-on-video visuals. It's only positive note? It DID get me planning "Boobie-Fest!"... I'd LOVE to read Ken Beggs review of that festival...

REVIEW: King Kong vs. Godzilla

So here it is... the "Different Style" review that became my standard format thereafter. King Kong (or a threadbare facsimilie of) and Godzilla duking it out on MGM. If there's a better way to waste an hour and a half, I can't think of it...

King Kong vs Godzilla(1962)

First things first... allow me to point out that this may be a different style of review than normal. (As well as an interesting insight into how my mind works...And as it turned out, a new trend, as ALL my reviews are now done this way!) Why? Because I viewed the movie, taking my usual semi-coherant notes several weeks ago. Then taped over the flick by mistake. (And so: no repeat screenings...) Add the fact that I watched the film while taking heavy-duty cough syrup, and you'll understand why the notes I'll be solely working from are somewhat less than helpful. Accordingly, I'll just transcribe the notes verbatim in Bold Text and try to make some sense of them for you.

Everyone with me? Good. Let's begin...

Toho Studios: Well, that seems obvious enough.

Michael Keith, Harry Knowles, James Yagi: I'm guessing those guys are the stars. Who they actually play in the flick is anyones' guess. I'd check the IMDB, but is it really that crucial? Probably not...

Rapidly rotating Earth+Shakespeare: That was the pre-credits shot... Imagine the Universal Pictures logo model, only cheaper, spinning so fast you expect to see tiny people being flung off into space. What the Shakespeare quote they used was, I have no idea... I can't even remember if it was on-screen or spoken!

Stock Footage New York: Here's where the fun starts. As the film progresses, it seems that a great deal of the original Japanese footage was sliced out, being replaced by stock footage of NY and a dreary, monotonic announcer. Along with a sterotyped Japanese annoucer, they become a two-man Greek Chorus, narrating us through large sections of the film. (Actually, with their fashion sense, make that a "Geek Chorus".

Chile getting destroyed by quakes: While I remember Nerdy Announcer Guy stating this fact, I have no idea where it figured into the plot. Actually, I think it didn't. At all.

Thunderbird 5?: 'The hell? Oh, wait... that's right. Every so often we were given a shot of an orbiting space satellite that bore an uncanny resemblance to Thunderbird 5. As I recall the shot used was EXACTLY the same one each time, as evidenced by a spark at the bottom of the screen probably intended to be a docking spaceship. (And probably intended to be in an entirely different movie...)

Japanese fishing fleet seeing icebergs, U.N sub dispatched: Boy, the United Nations sure has a lot of time on its' hands, huh? "Iceberg, captain!"... "ATTACK!"

Scientist descovers narcotic berries (Duddddde!): The intersting slip into Surfer-ese must have come as I contemplated the ramifications of narcotic berries. It'd sure make drinking a vodka-and-cranberry a hell of a lot more interesting...

Berries used to placate a God (Bumbumbum!): Geez, even my notes are getting sarcastic early...

Dr. Makino: Hi, Doc!

Wants to do more research: And since he's a research scientist, that's probably a good idea.

Scepticsm all round: My mistake, Dr Makino must be the Scientist Who Meddles With Forces That Should Not Be Meddled With!

Pacific Pharmacuticals wants a monster to bump up TV ratings: Ahh yes, the "Put a Tiger in your Tank" comparisons. The wanted to Put a Monkey On Your Back with their drugs, I suppose...

Sakira and Fujitas' repartee: These guys were either brothers or brothers-in-law, I forget which. Oddly, my follow-up notes read either wife, steak or wive, stock... I can't dechiper my own handwriting to tell. So I'm guessing S and F were making witticisms about lisping livestock...

Cut between Stock Footage NY, Model Sub "Seahawk" and Badly-Dubbed Tokyo: 'Nuff said.

Seahawk finds glowing iceberg & oddly warm water: As evidenced by the Oddly Cheap Miniature Set.

Sub hits something, floods and burns (Sort of): I added the "sort of" as budget restraints meant that the "flooding" was a high-pressure hose spraying into the set and the "burning" was confined to a tiny area near the roof of the submarines' interior. Two seconds later, the Good Ship Seahawk goes down waith all hands.

Chopper arrives to see "GODZILLA!" breaking out of iceberg: I put "Godzilla" in capitals in my notes as that's the way the chopper pilot screamed it, seconds before Big G roasted him with the RADIOACTIVE BREATH OF DOOM! Godzilla 1, Humans 0...

Monotonic Announcer "stunned"?: This was interesting. The announcer was "stunned" about the creature in the ice, claiming it had just been named "Godzilla" by scientists... despite the Medium-Rare Pilot saying that word the moment he clapped eyes on Ol' Scaly. Ahh, continuity is soooo overrated...

G heading for Japanese Islands, Government Guy instills NO confidence: I loved the Government Spokeguy! As the film progressed, he had interviews like this..

Reporter: Is Godzilla coming?
GG: Yes... yes he is!
Reporter #2: Should we be worried?
GG: Certainly! The monster will destroy us all!

Honesty in politics.... It's a great way to create a seething mass of hysteria and panic, my friends!

Model Army Base gets trashed: Its a fairly brief sequence, but yes, Godzilla gets to stomp and burn a large variety of G.I Joe toys on an outlying island. You GO, G!

TV Footage?: So Nerdy Announcer is showing TV pictures of the base trashing? Tell me, what cameraman is going to stand forty feet away from a giant lizard hell-bent on destruction and STILL get such well-framed, rock-steady shots? This tacked-on US footage is tres' lame!

PP Guy wants a moster, STAT!: Yes, Pacific Pharmacuticals is still on the lookout for a giant monster. (Now they have the brilliant idea of putting their monster up against Godzilla in a GIANT MONSTER RUMBLE for added publicity.) I guess the loss of life and the massive property damage is worth it, so long as it sells those drugs, huh?

To island, where tie-dyed natives are doing island stuff: You know... hunting, fishing, dancing, selling plastic shell necklaces that were made in the Phillipines to overweight tourists, that kind of thing...

Sakira and Odious Comic Relief Guy get captured by natives: Which is impressive, as the two are on the island for less than a minute before this happens. OCRG is doing the time-honoured "Scared of Everything and Constantly Whines He Wants To Go Home" routine...

Racist wide-eyed bearer: It's odd to see that in 1962, Japan still had black characters that conformed to the racist stereotypes of the 20's and 30's... The whole "I'sa scared, massa!" bit. Incidently, is THAT what Lucas was aiming for when he created Jar Jar?

Transistor radio picks up high-pitched Japanese pop music: "Ha, fear our magic, primitive native as I tune in Radio Tokyo with this tiny transistor radio!" Yeah, right... horrible song, too...

Ciggies!: This was the most laughably silly bit of a fairly silly movie. We watch as Sakira and OCRG win over the natives by handing out cigarttes to all and sundry. Including a kid who's around five years of age. This us played as comedy. Gee, Sakira, what OTHER nice, civilised gifts do you have for them? A bottle of Jack Daniels and a nice case of syphilis?

Lightning, not lightning: Which would be a great album title for a prog rock group... It refers to the natives spontaneous prayer meeting after lightning begins to flash. (Accompanied by some omnious growling noises... bumbumbumBUM!)

Tokyo. Plane Crash. "Don't go to Hykaido!": This particular subplot sent Fujitas wife/sister/sister-in-law/whoever the hell she was sprinting off to Hykaido in search of him. Later on, we discover he MISSED the plane that crashed, sending HIM rushing to Hykaido to rescue her. Ahh, what tangled webs we weave, when Big G strides in from the sea....

Big Book of Dinosaurs: Nerdy Announcer interviews a scientist who calls Godzilla a "rep-til" and uses a childrens encyclopedia of dinosaurs to illustarte his point. I guess Walter Cronkite got to interview the GOOD scientists...

Faro Island: Faro must be the native word for "Big-Ass Ape", I think...

Lizard shooting=avalanche: Sakira and OCRG shoot at a giant lizard!
Well, actually it was a regular-sized lizard sitting two inches from the camera, but the result was the same. Sadly, the avalanche doesn't crush Whiny Comic Relief Guy, though...

Rascist bearer sent for berry juice: And for the life of me, I can't remember WHY they needed berry juice. Hopefully, it was to sedate the Comic Relief, who's up to 0.9 on the Kenny Scale of annoyingness.

Something slithers around... SQUIDZILLA!: Yes, a mammoth squid slithers into the village, trapping a native girl and her infant son in a hut. (If you want to get technical, it may have been a giant octopus, but I didn't actually count the tentacles, okay?

Ineffectual spear-chucking+ endless flares: Sakira, you're not really helping by throwing tiny flares at a ten-story high creature... Okay, great... fire your .22 at it, THAT'LL work!

FINALLY, Kong arrives!: Hooray!

Facefulla Squid/Squishy noises: Squidzilla makes the best vertical leap I've seen in days, attaching himself to Kongs face in one bound. The Squishy Noises occur every time he moves. (Rememeber the episode of "South Park" where they demonstrated how necrophilia sounds with a jar of mayo... same sound effects here!)

Kong drives squid off: Mainly, by tossing styrofoam boulders and banging his chest with open palms. (As his uber-cheap costume didn't have articulated hands, it seems...)

KK drinks the berry juice, close-up BAD!: This ALSO refers to the not-exactly top-notch costume, I believe.

Kong can't hold his juice: PLEASE don't let that be a wierd sexual euphamism...

Nap-time!: Oh, good... it wasn't.

Natives do Happy-Dance: This was a Looooong Interpretive dance number around the slumbering form of Kong, complete with Native percussion section.

Mr Tako claims ownership, he's dead... Tako is of course, head of PP, Inc... Interestingly, I was wrong about his Ironic Death at the hands of his Monster...

Godzillas' brain the size of an M & M: Or so the nerdy Japanese Announcer tells us in another cut-away to the Geek Chorus. I hope Big G stomps him flat for that one...

Tako arrives to check out Kong, Navy interceedes, Kongs raft boobytrapped: Kong is being transported to Japan on a huge log raft, tethered to a large ship. It's not MUCH of a way to travel, but it beats the hell out of how he is moved in the 3rd Act...

Kong ordered home, boss faints, Stock Footage Tokyo: I'm not sure why I noted the bosses faint. I think it was an annoyingly-overacted "Comedy" faint. Anyway, here's where we return to Fujita. He heads to Hokaido according to my notes, despite twice calling it HYkaido. Like I'm an expert on Japanese geography...

Godzilla heading to Hokiado: Betcha didn't see THAT plot twist coming, huh?

Army briefing, One guy with two voices.: Or so it appeared... Remember, Bad Dubbing and Cough Syrup do NOT mix, kids!

ROAR! Big G lets out his famous "Collapsing building" screech for the first time in the flick! (And it's about damn time!)

Train evac, G stomps on in, hotfoots himself, trashes train: Now THIS is what I came to see! Too bad it's another fairly brief sequence of Destruct-O-Vision, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

More stomping, same footage: Unless Godzilla backed up over the ridge and decided to take another run at the train, that is.

Omiko(wife?) flails in inch-deep water until Fujita "saves" her: Amusing scene for all the wrong reasons....

Back to Kong, umbrella bit.: What in the name of Jesse Venturas' Shiny Bald Head was the "Umbrella Bit"? And why did I think it needed to be in my review?

Boss falls on plunger, dud!: Ahh, the comedic stylings of Toho Studios... You see, as Kong revives, Mr Tako steadfastly refuses to blow up his meal-ticket. Then of course, he slips and lands on the dynamite plunger. Nothing happens. Luckily, Sakira proves to be a good shot, setting off the dynamite with his rifle.

Kong is PISSED!: Did I say "luckily"? Sadly, Kong doesn't take out his anger by squishing Overacting Mr Tako and Odious Comic Relief Guy.

Tokyo Guy exposes...: Exposes WHAT? Oh, wait, that referred to his sudden bout of Exposition-Itis, allowing us to skip ahead and get to the;

PLAIN RUMBLE!: Well, it's been a long time coming, but Big G and Double-K meet on the outskirts of Tokyo. (Here being played by a Styrofoam-rock littered soundstage.) Tokyo Guy basically plays ring announcer as they square off.

Godzilla hulks up!: I'm serious! After getting the upper hand on Kong, Godzilla does the old "double-bicep" pose of Hulk Hogan! (Although, this WAS ten years before Hogan started wrestling, so maybe Big G isn't the copycat!)

Kong gets singed, G poses(!), Kong backs off: Big G wins the first round, searing Kong with his Radioactive breath and showboats. Kong, the "Thinking" moster, according to Tokyo Guy, takes a powder. Well, that was disappointingly short-lived.

G heads to Tokyo, explosive-lined pit!: The Japanese Army once again attempt a cunning plan, digging a massive pit and filling it with explosives, poison gas and gasoline. Due to the small sets, they only spot the 90-foot high "rep-til" when he's approximately eight feet from the pit.

BOOM! Now G's pissed! Instant cut to Tokyo Guy.: David Lynch must LOVE this film...

High-tension wires, G fears them, KK feeds on them.: I garnered this info from Tokyo Guys direct-to-camera monologue. How a ninty-foot tall ape feeds on electricity is not instantly clear, though....

G gets zapped, Kong squashes homes: This annoyed me somewhat, as my notes have the words One second of Kong THIRTY SECONDS OF EVAC footage! slashed across them. I don't want to see people running from Kong, I want to see KONG, dammit! More stomping, less screaming!

High-Voltage snacking: Kong chows down on a high-tension wire in a less-than stunning special effect. This makes him more powerful, so he;

Pounds chest, sounds like 80's syth-drum: A-Ha are looking to hire him as we speak... incidently, my mind started to wander at this point, leading to notes like;

Helicopter in every monster shot, why?: I don't know then, and I'm still not sure.

Kong trashes train: "Anything you can do, I can do better! I can trash anything better than you!" Kong also kidnaps a woman, being a ladies ape... By a wacky coincidence, it's either Fujita or Sakiras sister. (I don't want to sound rascist, but everyone in this film looks the same!)

Atomic binoculars, lights on Kong BAD, uber-fake: The atomic binoculars are the type you take one glance at a tiny figure with (Getting the traditional figure-8 view) and shout "Kong has your sister!". The "lights BAD" comment is once more about the woefully-plastic Kong mask.

Worlds' Smallest Syscraper(TM): Uh, Kong, ol' buddy? If the tallest building around is four stories high... Don't climb it, okay? You just look stupid...

Fujita wants his drum (Berry juice!): I thought the 'drum" he wanted was of the "oil-drum" kind and would be filled with berry-juice. Instead we witness;

Fujita the Little Drummer-Boy: As the miltary fire rockets laden with berry-juice over Kong, Fujita pounds out the Native rythms on his bongo drums. Call me silly, but I THINK the tranquilizing effect of the berry-juice had diddly-squat to do with the drumming, Fuje...

Kong falls asleep... If K and G dont get it on so, so will I!: I was getting cranky by this point...

"Operation Kong", Balloon-Kong, Mount Fuji, "DROP HIM!": "Operation Kong... Gee, that must have taken SECONDS of thought! Kong is sent to battle Godzilla in the most undignified way possible... being transported to Mount Fuji via huge ballons attached to each limb. I swear I laughed myself off the sofa at THAT visual... The final indignity... they literally drop him from eighty feet up onto the mountain. Ow.

Kong plays hide-and-seek, Face-plant!: Kong proves to have learnt something, attacking Godzilla from ambush. Godzilla beats him down with his tail, quickly getting the upper... umm... paw? Anyway, after some energetic biffo, Kong is flattened and left for dead.

Old Sparky, force-feeding of foliage, building bashing: You know they say that lightning never strikes twice? Well, Kong gets hit by lightning five times in a minute in this film. Suitably revived, he drags Big G around by his tail and stuffs handfulls of leaves into his mouth. For the Big Finale, they stand on either side of a monastry/temple/cheap plywood model of an undefined building, smashing it to pieces.

Tumble to sea, earthquake, tidel wave: Wow, does THAT sound like a great finale or what? It's not that spectacular, sadly. In the end, Kong strides out to sea and swims home while Godzilla just vanishes without trace. (At least until the sequel, huh?)

And suddenly, we're done!


Skeeters Summary: To quote Leonard Maltins review of the film... "All talk, talk, talk until the rousing climax...". And yes, you sit through an awful lot of chatter in this flick. But hey, Godzilla and Kong do get the chance to pound the snot out of each other at the end. And who could ask for more than that from a film like this?

SPECIAL EVENT: The 2002 V Movie Marathon

The 2002 "V" Movie Marathon Report

Every year, the organisers of the "Incredible Film Fest" here in Auckland have a special treat for B-movie buffs. The "V Movie Marathon"... In 2002, it was ten hours of some of the most obscure and odd movies they could find. By 2004, it was a full 24-hour Cheese-fest, where the weak stayed home, and the geeks stayed awake. Geeks like me.

But let's start where I did. 2002, the Civic Theatre, Auckland. ...

Where to begin? Well, to sum up my first all-night movie marathon experience in a line, I turn to the mind of Mr Clive Barker.

"We have such sights to show you"-Pinhead, Hellraiser

And sights they were. In truth, my lead-up to the night was probably not ideal. After only getting four hours sleep the night before, (Due to a late-night coffee, I'm guessing.) I had visited relatives in Snells Beach with my fiancee and mother. Snells Beach lies 90 minutes drive from Auckland and my grandmother puts on food for seventeen people these days, so we spent most of the day either travelling, chatting, or eating. I arrived home too late for my scheduled Power Nap, as I don't sleep through an Auckland Warriors league match for anything.

This one I should have. They lost.

Finally, we picked up my best friend Richard around 11PM and headed to the city. My own preperations were in no way going to compete with the cooler of a certain Mr. Begg, but I had stocked the essentials. Pillow, two packs of assorted munchies, notebook, pen, bus timetable and of course, ticket. (More on THAT later.) Rick had been a late addition, deciding to come just a few days before the event. He packed nothing. Brave man. My long-suffering (And decidely neutral to B-Movies) girlfriend dropped us off, and we headed to a pre-arranged rendezous to pick up the four workmates that had convinced me they were coming. None were there, of course. (This is my "Non-Surprised" expression.) Figuring I'd find them at the Civic, we headed there instead. Milling around the foyer of the theatre were assorted marathoners. (Some resplendent in pajaymas and robes especially for the occasion. Lots of "Star Wars" pillow cases, too.) One brave man even left the just-ended screening of "Vampire Hunter D" and came straight back for the Marathon. I assume he survived. My workmates never showed, but I did bump into an ex-colleague, Conan, instead. As Rick went for double-strength coffees, I reached for my ticket. Guees what?

No Ticket.

The cardboard folder contained my ticket receipt, (Which helpfully looks EXACTLY like the ticket itself.) but apart from that, zippo. Unable to believe my stupidity, I talked to the usher. She quite reasonably thought the Ticketek staff would issue me another ticket after seeing my receipt.

The Ticketek staff, quite UNreasonably refused to do so. I was forced to utter a quick, though violent, profanity and fork out another 15 bucks for a replacement ticket. (The usher apologised when I told her... turns out she would have let me in if she'd known about Ticketnazis. I love lifes' little ironies... *sigh*) Still fuming, we grabbed some seats near the back and settled in. The turnout was good, five hundred plus at least, confortably accomodated in a theatre that seats 900 or more in its stalls. I just hoped I would now be getting at least thirty dollars worth of entertainment. As it turned out, it would have been worth it even if the tickets had been priced at fifty bucks! (Just don't tell the organiser that...)

IT BEGINS: At the stroke of midnight, our host arrived. (I actually have no idea who he is, but if he's the festival organiser, it's probably on the film fest website. I'm too lazy today to check.) [FUTURE SKEETER: He was of course Ant Timpson, the mad genius who runs the Marathon. You rock, dude!] He welcomed us and re-apologised for last years final film, "The Girl From Venus". (A horrible 70's British sex comedy, apparently.) His opening remarks mentioned that people had told him he'd "Sold Out"... too many new, arty films in the festival. Where was the sleaze? The corn? The bad, bad, movies? well, they were all right here, right now! They actually had hand-out sheets of the line-up, but I decided to be pleasantly(?) surprised. And so, we began with;

REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS

What a way to begin! From the gratuitous "Topless cheerleaders during the opening credits" to the finale, this one ROCKED! (Any film that ends with a girl jiggling her boobies at the camera for minutes on end deserves a B-Movie Oscar.) This movie should be of special interest to any "Opposible Thumb Films" readers... why? Because the films' male leads (The short, all-white basketball team) contains an Embarrased Actor.

DAVID HASSLEHOF!

I sh!t you not! Five minutes into the film, he emerges from a quickie tryst in the bathrooms with Head Slutty Cheerleader. This gained thunderous applause that drowned out the so-called "dialouge" for quite some time. It was to get better. (And worse. Much worse.) As well as the fact that Hoff plays "Boner", the following "highlights" were seen;

HOFF DANCES!
HOFF PLAYS B-BALL!
HOFF GOES FULL-FRONTAL IN THE SHOWER! (AHHHH! My EYES!)

I'd descibe the plot to you, but there ain't that much to describe. Rick got off what had to be the Riff of The Night as two cheerleaders ran into a bleach blond, safari suit-wearing hiker. Ricks repsonse... "STEVE IRWIN?" This led to many "She's a real little beauty, strewth, corker" type riffing... My own thoughts were simply that Hoff's CV would list 1975 as "Attended Drama School. No productions. Honest!"

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM

The opening song "I Feel Good"... NOT the James Brown one! I'll try to forget it, but I think it's now imprinted on my psyche.

The head cheerleaders' uneering ability to strip bare-ass naked in the least likely places. (ie the school gym during basketball practise...)

The fact that the token Black Dude had dialouge... but not ONE of the basketball team did. (I guess they were simply Stunt Dicks.)

The awe-inspiring lack of co-odination and rythm demonstrated by 90% of the "exceptional" cheerleaders. (Yes, it's a Jabootu-ish "Informed Attribute".)

The parade of urine and flatulance jokes, 30 years before the first Farrely brothers film...

Two cheerleaders holding a classroom full of hoodlums at bay with... a FIRE EXTINGUISHER?(!!)

The sudden "Plot-Exposition-By-Carphone" scene that occurs nearly half-way into the film.

The "Let's spike the meatball sauce with enough pills, weed and white powder to kill an entire small West African republic" scene.

The Foodfight. (Slightly amusing after a minute, overstaying its welcome after five minutes, and just extracting the urine at the FIFTEEN minute mark. Nothing like using 1/5 of your running time on stoned people throwing spaghetti at each other.

The homage to Scooby-Doo. (The old "Multiple doors" schtick... run in one, appear out another.)

The sponatneous Shower Bubble Orgy.

The pregnant cheerleaders response to the question "Why are you here?".... Nasal Cheerleader Monotone: "I'm between periods. Ha ha. He he."

The fact that after that unusally subtle line, the camera panned down to her stomach to explain the joke to the hard-of-thinking. (Taking the crowds' "Man, that was lame!" laugh to a new level.)

The multiple chrloforming of Hoff by the EVIL school nurse. (I've been wanting to do that to him for YEARS! )

The fact that the good-guy basketball team comeback was stymied by the actors total ineptness to shoot a basket.

The evil nurse bombing the school by sneaking in under cover of high noon. (Heavy blue filter or not, the moon does NOT cast that much of a shadow, Mr Director...)

The "Top Secret Cave" (Possibly in Bronson Canyon, but that's only a guess...) that led to the "Top Secret Shopping Mall(!!)", and finally to the "Top Secret Country Club".

The country clubs' sand trap... which was filled with quicksand(!!). (I'd like to see Tiger Woods get out of THAT one...)

The sceret bad guy bunkers automatic slide-apart doors... which triggered a wave of Star Trek jokes and made me do my world-famous(?) George Takai impression.

THE NUMBER 1 THING I'LL REMEMBER ABOUT THIS FILM: The dance scene in the diner. Hoff's solo looks like he stepped onto a medium-voltage live wire, while playing an invisible guitar. Hilarious.

THINGS I'LL TRY TO FORGET ABOUT THIS FILM

The unexpected appearance of "Mini-Hof" in the shower scene.

The warm and life-affirming "We Wanna Get Laid" cheer.

The unsanitary sex in the diners kitchen.

The dance scene in the capark. ("When The Kids From Fame Attack" was my opinion.)

The lecherous cop "frisking" two naked cheerleaders post Steve Irwin sex...

The Shaun Cassidy look-a-like basketball player. Partridge Family Sex, I did NOT need to see...

Hoff being revived from his chloroforming by being made to sniff the head cheerleaders panties.

The foot chase. Which looked like SEVERAL chase scenes edited together at random.

Skeeters Wrap-Up: Man, universities in the 70's were much more fun than today!. Sex in the quad, dope-smoking in the gym and pharmecuticals in your lunch. Sign me up!

Following directly on was what the organisers described as "A 60's home Movie". Brother, that only scratched the surface. Even the name was worth a huge laugh.

THE LEMONGROVE KIDS MEET THE GREEN GRASSHOPPER AND THE VAMPIRE LADY

Everyone got that? I'm kind of stuck here, as I should describe the plot.. but as Conan later remarked... "Plot? There was a plot?" Basically, a group of 20-somethings and a bunch of kids ("The Lemongrove Kids", natch...) are hired to clean up an old guys yard. The kids are led by a guy who has seen WAY too many Three Stooges movies, resulting in endless bonkings on assorted heads. Eve worse, was the character of Gofer. (Or possibly "Golpher") I eventually dubbed this constantly falling down, face-pulling, silly voice affecting retard "Jar Jar '65". Things heat up as a VERY small UFO arrives, courtesy of the jump-cut special effect. All the kids get abducted by a gloved hand, save one 3 year old moppet. This girl gets DOZENS of unneccesary close-ups throughout the film. I hope she's the directors daughter, or else it could be construed as verging on "disturbing". (I wondered aloud if this was a "Bert Potter' production... Kiwi joke, based on a local faux-Christian commune leader with some unsavory sexual habits.)

Arriving with the UFO is a guy in a tattered shirt, facepaint, lipstick, wings and pink gumboots. (Sorry, galoshes or wellington boots... that should cover the cultural bases.) Our hero decides he's a Grashopper. (No "Kung Fu" jokes resulted, but the night was young...) Also arriving is the zero-budget Vampira, who nibbles on the neck of the old guy. His limited acting talent means he reacts by saying "Ooh.". Sounded like he'd just rembered that he'd left the iron on. The remaining Lemongrovers decide to find a way into the house. They're standing right next to a door as they decide this. Naturally, they break in via a basement window instead. Inside, Grasshopper makes Old Guy vanish by waving the Cosmic Sunflower at him. Not-Vampira secures said Cosmic Device by placing it in an unlocked filing cabinet, where cutesy moppet finds it. Security proceedures the Pentagon would be proud of.

Finally, Leader guy (I'll call him "Spanky" as he looks like an overgrown Our Gang refugee) sends Gofer in to fight Not-Vampira. (Spankys' a bit of a prick, really...) Golfer gets a neck-muching, so he... BITES HER BACK! (a technique Buffy NEVER tried! ) Not-Vampira screams, Grasshopper Guy flees, the Moppet makes their hench-creatures vanish with the Mystic sunflower and all's right with the world. Well, except Golfer is a vampire, and bites Spanky. You GO, Golfer!

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM

Everything. It was just that type of film...

I'll especially rember the expressions on the kids faces. The expression that said "Who brought Dad a cine camera for Christmas? I'm bored!"

THE KICKER: The organisers announced afterwards "You have just survived a film by Cash Flagg... AKA Ray Dennis Steckler!" Yes, this "Home Movie" was an early effort by the man who created "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living etc, etec, etc..." How they found it, I will never know! But I'm glad they did...

INTERMISSION (2am)

A chance to stretch and get some fresh air. Outside the Civic, the usual parade of Saturday night drunks were gently meandering down Queen Street, shouting, cussing and puking. And WE were the ones getting the stange looks. We hooked up with Conan and his friends. The only topic of conversation was Hoff, of course. Oddly, even the gay guys in the group had been slightly off-put by the sight of Daves' dinky. Learning that Conans' allies had 'liberated" an entire case of the sponsers product (Energy drink "V") from the comp table, Rick and I quickly switched rows and joined them. The lights dimmed and we were off again. We had ben promised the movie that gave Tarrantino his ideas, but instead... oh, Dear Lord, THE HORROR!

LEMONGROVE KIDS II: NO TITLES SHOWN, BUT I'M SURE IT WAS PRETTY LONG.

Yes, MORE Lemongrove antics. More plot this time, involving Spanky sending Gofer into another gangs' territory to by sodas. Gofer get comedically beaten up, of course. (George Takai: "Spankys' "Hero" factor is dropping fast, Captain!") This leads to a badly shot "rumble" with the rival gangs. One Afro-American gang member had one line during this... his high-pitched delivery had Rick exclaiming "It's Mike Tyson!" A confused-looking cop arrives, and the fight quickly becomes a dance. Don't ask. Anyhoo, the cop suggests a running race to determine the best gang. As we audience members digested this, the aging print suddenly crapped out. A second of silence followed, before someone in our row yelled "Well, this is the best bit of the film so far!". I had to agree. After the break, the race was run, along with some shenangins involving mobsters, a Comedic Relief Incompetant Saboteur and of course, Gofer. SPOILER: The Lemongrove Gang wins the race. Sorry to spoil that for you. The bad guys get beaten up by a ladys' handbag. (Probably R.D Stecklers' mum... she had NO acting talent, even for this home movie.) Just as we thought it was over, Spanky remarks "Where's Gofer?"

And we cut to Gofer breaking up a fight between a gorilla and a masked wrestler.(?????????????????) He runs off, and meets up with a badly-realised mummy.(Again, ????????????????) The abrubt plot developments had the audience in stiches as Gofer ran backwards and forwards, being repeatedly menaced by the same mummy, while stock footage lightning was cut in between. Sadly, the film twice died again before we could find out if there was any reason for this. (My personal take... Ray had the extra footage lying around and just spliced it in at random to extend the running time. Hell of a ending, though...)

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM

The running race checkpoint on the beach... with a telephone plugged into the sand!

The way the cop appeared to be an actual cop who'd just strayed onto the set. The deep look of puzzlement on his face as he spoke was pricless. (I'm guessing he was Rays' dad...)

The first of the Running gags... "Y'know what this film could really use... DAVID HASSLEHOF!"

The second running gag, where whenever a pretty blonde girl appeared, someone (Usually me) asked "Excuse me, are you a cheerleader?"

After the third and final film breakage, we suddenly cut to what would become a true crowd favourite;

THE FUCCON FAMILY!

Where to begin. Imagine a Japanese soap opera, told in 3-minute episodes... peopled entirely by clothing mannequins and sex-dolls. Dad was a life-like mannequin with WAY too rosy-red lips, Mum was a wide-mouthed sx toy and Mikey, the kid was a fairly standard clothing dummy. The storyline was BEYOND warped, though. Over the course of the night we would witness.

Mannequin sex

Pre-teen voyeurism of mannequin sex.

Mannequin domestic violence.

Pyschological torture of a child

Mannequin infidelities

Mannequin threesomes (Implied)

Child abandoment

And much more. Fun for the whole family!

More running gags were introduced from this series. The endless repition of sentances. "Mum: Are you eating your breakfast Mikey?" Mikey: "I am eating my breakfast, although I feel very ill" Mum: "You are feeling ill, but you must still eat your breakfast." Dad: "Yes, you are feeling ill, but you must still eat your breakfast." Mikey: "Yes, I am eating my breakfast." etc, etc, etc. This led to much line-precognition, and I personally became skilled in pre-empting the subtitle "ha-ha-ha-ha" every time a charracter was about to laugh. Which was at LEAST three times an episode.

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS SERIES:

Japanese people are WEIRD, dude...

After two episodes of this hilarity, we moved on to;

BONNIES KIDS

Ahh, Drive-In fodder. I thought I had read abouth this one screening at B-fest, but a check of Jabootu prvoved me wrong. For those that haven't seen it, it's a 1962 explotation/revenge/crime flick... one that features two hitmen... one black, with big afro, one white, who kinda looks like a fat(er) Travolta. Draw your own conclusions there. This had a lot to like. Guns, bad-ass chicks, sleazy cops and the potential for some hot intergenerational lesbian lovin' was dangled before us. Being '62, the lesbianism was never shown. Conan was heard to refer to this flick as a "Cinematic C0cktease." More running gags emerged... with the one that lasted right to the end of the night resulting from the black hitmans' ("Digger", but I think we all refered to him as "Jules") instructions to thier patsy. "Pick up a parcel for Mr Brown. B, R, O, W, N". After that, most of us spelt out any name said thereafter. (Example: "Take the bus to El Paso"... Me: "That's E, L, P, A..." Cue laughter... although, it was nearly 3am, so anything was funny at that point.) Extra humour came from the unfortunately-named "Mr Seaman"... cue a veritable.. well... "flood" of "semen" jokes. ("Excuse me, is this the Semen Estate?") He even shared a scene with a character named "Woody" at one stage.

My only complaint was a complete lack of anyone to root for. The men were all slobbering, sex-depraved cretins and the women veered wildly between scheming b!tch and clueless bimbo... often in the same scene.

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM

Clueless Bimbo Line#1: (As a car ominously pulls up in the desert behind you.) "Maybe it's no-one?" (Obvious, really. The car drove itself there. This prompted a "Knight Rider" discussion as Hoff was still fresh in our minds.)

Clueless Bimbo Line#2: "I'm your secretary, not your priest!" Huh?

The way Jules '62's afro seemed to get bigger with each passing scene. We were afraid it was going to engulf his head by the end of the flick.

The diner scene. I was itching for Tim Roth to yell "Garcon! More coffee!", but no...

That some films aren't afraid to use wild coincidences to advance the plot.

Harry, the stableboy... or as his name was rightfully pronounced, "Hairy"... you could lose things in his chest hair.

Following the feature, we were treated to a "Coming Attraction": Roman Polanski IS "The Lodger". Huge laughs for the tagline. "He's the lodger you DON'T want in your house!" No, not if you have a young daughter, I suppose...

And onwards we went.

BOARDING HOUSE

This one opened with some VIC-20 level computer generated titles that came up o slowly Rick commented "These credits are going to run for three hours!". This was followed by computer-aided exsposition. (Large green letters that appeared with the aid of those annoying "di-di-di-di-di-dah" noises.) These were so well-received by the crowd, a huge cheer erupted each time this device was used. The final lines before the fade-out nearly got a standing ovation!

The plot: Take a pinch of haunted house movie, mix with a subplot ripped wholesale from "Carrie", stir in a Poverty Row budget and garnish with 80's fashions Don Johnson would have rejected... and serve! The REAL plot: Man buys haunted house, advertises for sexy female live-ins, gets each one to show her bazongas to the camera at least once. Yes, BREASTS! The ultimate in cheap special effects!

Admittedly, this had the crowd hooked from the "Woman sticks hand down garbage grinder" scene. I was expecting a short film, but this puppy was a full-length feature, shot on a budget of around $49.99. This budget meant every car was a Datsun, probably borrowed from a local car-yard, the "English" chicks accent drifted from North London to Southern Californian, and several actors seemed to treat the porject as a part-time affair. (Including Token Black Chick (Rick: "Mrs Brown!", Conan: "That's B, R, O, W, N.", Me: "She used to be a cheerleader...") who arrived, unpacked and VANISHED from the flick for forty-five minutes! )

THINGS I'LL REMEMBER FROM THIS FILM

Don't stick your hand down a garbage grinder

Men were drooling sleazebags in the 60's (See: Bonnies' Kids) and nothing had changed by the 80's

People named "Hawk Adler" and "Kalassu" in the credits are probably using a non-de-plume. (This led to may "Day The Earth Stood Sill" gags... "Kalassu Barrada Niktu!")

Straght men should never wear pink ties and cowboy hats.

Even David Hasslehof wouldn't be caught dead in that leopardskin Speedo, dude...

Ladies, if you're trapped in a shower with blood dripping from the walls, scream and rub your boobs against the glass door in a semi-circular motion. It won't save you, but will give the audience a huge laugh.

If a hitchhiker asks to use you phone, it's polite to let him sit next to your pool and ogle your over-sexed roomies.

Never pop off to the mens room during a horror movie. I did, and missed the best-received killing... the "Flying hairdryer into the bath" scene. DAMMIT!

If you're going to have a band play a song during your movie, let them play the whole song! The crowd was clapping along to "33 1/3"'s single en masse and were THIS close to dancing in the aisle before we cut to a boring conversation. (This rules isn't set in stone... as our next film would prove.)

There's a fine line between "Acting Drunk" and "Acting WHILE Drunk"...

When frightened, woman can run from their bedroom to an unexpected cemetary in one sudden jump-cut.

Especially when it's a dream sequence.

Psychic power involves hyperventilating and making your eyes get REALLY big. Like, Marty Feldman big...

Stunning special effects can be duplicated by having a stagehand move things from off-screen. I especially liked the eerie bit where an icepick slides out of its' sheath... with the end of the handle extending off-screen throughout the scene.

INTERMISSION TWO(6AM)

Another chance to stroll, rehydrate, return coffee and V to nature and we were back. More Fuccon Family antics followed. Good, wholesome, sick, twisted fun! Two movies to go, apparently.

I take a second here to compose myself. To prepare. To ask the question, "WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?!" Yes, get ready for this years "Girl From Venus"... this years "Hieronomous Merkin"... the "Battlefield Earth" of the 2002 Movie Marathon;

STREET WARS

The first thing that appeared on screen was not actually the movie... it was the DVD Menu screen. "Good!" thought I. "At least it'll be a nice clear picture." (After thefaded-all-to-hell Bonnies Kids and the Scratch-a-thon that turned parts of the cheerleader film into a soft-core puppet show, I was ready for a crystal clear print. Shows what I know... Pitch-Black Theatre Presents...) Someone in the projection booth pressed PLAY and the torture began. (Incidently, this is a VERY inaccurate plot analysis. Check jabootu.com for the real thing. I was more concerned with "Survival" rather than "Accuracy" at this point.)

The opening titles set the scene. The words "STREET WARS" were arranged into a staggeringly-familiar pyramid arrangement. (George Lucas is warming up his lawyers as we speak.) As this was shot on a minscule budget, there's no slow crawl up the screen for THESe credits. And, instead of a thundering Star Destroyer, a microlight aircraft flies overhead. We cut to an Air Force graduation ceremony. Our hero "Sugarpop", has graduated top of his class, getting to do the tradional microlight flypast. His instructor actually calls him "Our Top Gun!" adding to the Unoriginality Factor. The fact that Sugarpop rides a Vespa scooter is also supposed to gives us Tom Cruise flashbacks, I suppose. During this scene, such interesting credits as "Costumes by Duanne" and "Written, Produced and Directed by An Untalented Hack With Some Money He Wanted To Waste." are shown. Well, I may have imagined the second one...

He returns to his "hood", which is populated by the usual assortment of Generic "homies'. (I hope I'm not losing anyone with this street patois I learned during the film...) Sugarpops' girlfriend is the local crackhouses' (Crackhomes'?) lookout. Sugarpop demonstrates his jet-powered scooter(!!) to the brothers, before we meet his ACTUAL brother, Frank. Frank is accompanied by Humungeous(!!), who's as relatively well-built as his moniker suggests, and wears Mr T's feather earring. Sugarpop also gives us the first of many, MANY montonic voice-overs at this point. We see inside the crackhouse, where a woman pleads "C'mon, Meatloaf, just give me one hit!" Hands up who ELSE started to hum "Bat Out Of Hell"?

Meanwhile, a van has been parked in the street the entire time. It's full of rival gangbangers with large guns. They're not smart enough to get out, though, allowing Sugarpop to eyeball them. So Humungeous gets out "Mr Bigmouth". Anyone who names a shotgun "Mr Bigmouth" is just about ready for the long-sleeved white jacket, IMHO. Cue the big shoot-out! Well, what WOULD be a big shoot-out if the participants weren't firing what sounded like cap-guns. (Mr Bigmouth: POP!, AK-47: Pop-pop-pop-pop!) And, most amusingly, a rocket launcher that goes PHFUT! and tears a hole in the van. No explosion, though. Geez, if you have no budget for pyro, DON'T USE A ROCKET LAUNCHER in your film!

The Man shows to arrest people, but Sugarpop escapes on his Super-Scooter. The scooter takes no further part in the film. He meets his grandmother (Who's about 10 years older than he is...) and gets her to bail out Frank. They ride around in a limo for a while, Frank and Humungeous shoot some rivals, then go home to bone the hell out of their wives while Sugarpop plays a never-ending drum solo. No, I don't know why... By this stage,20 minutes into the film, Rick had nodded off, Conan was fading fast, and I was only kept awake because of my dedication to give the BMMB members a complete run-down of the Marathon. Plus, the world-class butt-chafing my seat was giving me helped. The Civic rocks as a theatre, but those seats are not designed for the long-haul...

I had by now cristened this movie "Dorks In The Hood", or "New Jerk City", and it was to get worse. We get to see Franks' nigthclub. (Named "Franks' Place"... Scriptwriter required, originality preferred, but not essential.) We meet his fellow drug-lords, who dress in clourful robes that make them look like the Drag Queen KKK. Their collective name... The Knights Of The Round Table! (They dance, whenever they're able! ) This got the best laugh of the film... as their boardroom table is VERY rectangular.

Eventually, (But not soon enough! ) Frank gets gunned down... in a resturant bathroom. (YES! They SO clevery twisted The Godfather scene... **CoughcoughRip-off!**) Humungeous avoids getting shot by the simple expedient of holding a table up to stop the slugs. (Must be mahogany, because that's some SOLID wood...) From this we cut... to a Gospel Dance Number! Yes, Brother Frank is dead, but we're giving him a fine send-off. In fact, the funeral is televised(!!), and representatives of Louis Farrakhan speak to our Intrepid reporter. (Well, "speak" is an overstatement. Waffle away about self-importantly is a more accurate summation.) The reporter proved to be the most laughable part of the film, too. Seemingly long-winded for TV news, she spouts such gems as "I'm here at the big, expensive, elaborate funeral of well-know crack-lord Frankie..." (Something. I never picked up on Franks last name. Brown, maybe. B, R, O, W, N.) Geez, if he was THAT well-known, why did the cops keep letting him off? HUH? Her news anchor is no better... Quote, "He ended his life like all druglords, shot down like a mad dog!" unquote. Help me, Movie hurts!

Here's where Sugarpop has to make his decison! Drugs, or not Drugs? I'm still not sure what he chose, frankly... He takes over the Knights, (Ni!) and decides to go legit. (By putting the millions of dollars of drug money into stocks and bonds) The reaction of the co-incidentally Rich Token White Guy who was In The Air Force Class With Sugarpop, when he's asked to start buying millions of dollars of stocks "with cash" is brilliant. None whatsoever. He looked like Sugarpop asked him to buy a couple of sodas... Once more, we have no-one to root for...

And so the plot went on. And on. And on. Not helped by a MUSICAL NUMBER! A rap one this time... A rap number called;

"DO THE ROOSTER!"

I'm not making that sh!t up.... Do. The. Rooster. Complete with a dozen people doing a dance like David Byrne of Talking Heads after a hard night on the joy juice. Great. They cut the 33 1/3 and give us the entire Rooster Song. Bastards!

[Future Skeeter: It's been some years since the Marathon... and I can STILL sing the chorus the "Do The Rooster" from memory... It's become a wierd running gag in my hosehold.]

Meanwhile, a rival druglords massacres Sugarpops family. So he decides to get revenge by... I can hardly believe I'm typing this....

Attaching AK-47's to a fleet of microlights to make "Our own jet fighters!"

The result? Well, the Hairbrained Reporter Lady says it best...

QUOTE OF THE MARATHON: HRL: They've created the first... Ghetto Air Force!

By this stage, with copious amounts of slo-mo, explosions reminiscent of a cheap fireworks display, and Sugarpop still droning on in his annoying monotone, the mood of the crowd was growing ugly. I attempted to start an "END, END, END!" chant in honour of B-Fest, (Which I WILL get to one year. I swear it on the blood of "Street Wars" director! ) but was unsuccesful. Finally, as Sugarpop won the day, then had a lengthy wedding scene with his blink-and-you-misssed her Token Girlfriend, I could stand it no more. Leaping to my feet, I thrust my fists skyward and screamed out my best rendition of "FREEEEEEEEE-DOMMMMM!!"

I like to think it broke the tension. It got a lot of laughs, anyway...

Finally, it was over. Rick now has a new Least Favourite Film, stating that even Moulin Rogue looks good in comparison to that one. And we were on to our final film;

MIRACLE MILE

A very different film, this one. What can I say that won't destroy it for anyone who hasn't seen it? Nothing. So I won't say a word except that it stars Anthony Edwards, was made in1988, and begins like a romantic comedy. twenty minutes later, the romatic comedy is jettisoned from the nearest tall building, and BAM! You're hooked.

It's not for everyone. you'll either love it or hate it. But I'll say this. After the 20-minute mark, no riffing, no talking, nada. As the credits rolled, applause. Thunderous, sustained applause. Unbelievable.

THE AFTERMATH

We rolled out into the streets at 9:15am. The Marathon had finished 45 minutes earlier than advertised, but after "Street Wars", it sure FELT like ten hours! The Civic floor was awash with debris, but being a commercial theatre, had cleaners already standing by to deal with it. Considering I had been awake 25 hours straight, I was still feeling pretty good. Ditto Rick, who's decided he's coming back next year. We have another B-movie convert, folks! All things considered, one hell of a ride, and one I'm glad I took. And yes, I'll be back next year... and the year after that... and so on.. and so on... and so on...

Final Note: The Recurring Themes

On reflection, I noticed three things that linked this wide variety of films together;

1) Spontaneous Dance Numbers: From the multiple cheerleader routines and moronic dances of "RoTCheerleaders", to the Rooster Dance in "Street Wars", everyone was shakin' their groove thangs! Some better than others... A short list would include the bizzare piano playing dance in the first "Lemongrove" short, the "Not-A-Twist Contest" dance in "Bonnies Kids:, the 33 1/3 dance party in "Boarding House" and the Crackhead Gospel Choir form you-know-what...

2) Bananas: Or, the Sensual eating of Such. Boarding House, Bonnies Kids and RotCheerleaders all featured a woman practically performing an indecent act on a piece of soft fruit. Not to mention the "Dude Makes a Banana Split while Getting His Butt Licked" scene in the cheerleader flick...

3) Breasts: 'Nuff said.

REVIEW: Akira:Redux

Still posting the old reviews. This one was from an Incredible Film Festival screening back in 2002. Nowdays, the IFF is part of the Auckland International Film Festival, but back then it was a month-long parade of cinematic oddities. And, cult classics like this one...

I'm going to level with you right off the bat, dear Reader. I didn't totally understand this film, and it was my second viewing of it. Blame the fact that its's a Japanese film, I guess... there's so much about that country I don't get. (Their fascination with large men slapping the buggery out of each other, for one. The way Japanese girls automatically make the Peace Sign when you point a camera at them. And the fact that to sell products, people put English on the labels... but never consult an English-speaking person first! Results: "Enjoy sparkling goodness with friend today!"... that kind of thing...)

However, despite some of the films plot zooming over my head like a jet plane, I can report that my $12 ticket was well worth the expenditure. Incredible visuals, amazing sound and a hell of a venue! Roll on the rest of the Incredible film Fest! Who needs sleep? But, for now, here's a brief-ish journal of my thoughts on;

AKIRA: REDUX

First and foremost, I was looking forward to this film as it was the first time I had seen a film in the fully restored and refurbished Civic Theatre. This picture palace had been built back in 1929 and has been a part of Auckland's central business district ever since. It was here in the 30's that dancer Frieda Stark caused major scandals (And sold tons of tickets) by dancing while wearing nothing but gold paint. She also ditched her lover to move in with a woman, causing even more tight-mouthed moralists to turn their eyes heavenward and swoon. Sex, drugs and red-hot jazz, folks! Sadly, the Civic was becoming very shabby by the 1980's. Its former nightclub, the Wintergarden had been converted into a second cinema in 1975, while the main cinema was becoming more and more run-down. A journalist doing a story actually fll through a hole in the floor of the stalls!

Enter actor Sam Neil. His loving documentary "The Mighty Civic" was screened on national television, and probably saved the Civic from destruction. It certainly helped pave to way for the Auckland City Council to classify the building as part of the Historic Trust. (And pony up the restoration money.) Two years of reconstruction wark later, the Civic and Wintergarden were re-opened, restored to their former glory. These days, it hosts plays, premieres and special events... such as the Becks Incredible Film Fest!

I was second in the door, having pre-brought a ticket last week. (No, I'm not an anime fanboy, I just hate waiting in line for tickets...) The Civic is designed to look like a Turkish places' courtyard, with towering buildings encicling you.

The stage had been moved forward since my last visit, meaning the seats I sat in as I watched "The Return Of The Jedi" for the first time are consigned to history. (Front row, right of center.) The twin lions I loved so much as a kid used to stand on either side of the stage are now positioned right next to the front row of seats. (I had a strange urge to go and touch them, but that might have seemed wierd. Maybe during the midnight marathon... geez, I'm getting all nostalgic here...)

The best part of the restoration... the screen, once a distant rectangle at the rear of the stage, was now a mammoth drop-in affair. (Literally four times larger than it had been last time I was there.) I scored a slightly right-of center seat a dozens rows back and settled in. This was the test. In eight days I would be in one of these seats for TEN hours! (My results today suggest a stretch and a walk every ninty minutes or so might save me some back and neck strain the next day. Not much head support...)

With the theatre nearly half-full (Meaning, 250+... not bad for a "cult" film... A nice cross-section, too... groups, pony-tailed sci-fi fans, old and young, even a few families!) tThe Civic showed it's flair for the dramatic, with the lights taking almost a full minute to fade out. As they did, the "stars" came out above us. Thousands of tiny lights in the ceiling slowly illuminate, giving the impression that dusk has faded into night. Loved it as a kid, love it now...

Oh, right... the movie!

Technically, the new version is incredible. The print was crystal clear, without a scratch or flicker throughout. The audio was doubly amazing, with digital surround sound that practically left you ducking in case you were tagged by a stray ricochet during the gunfights. It was also loud. Like, LOUD. Second loudest flick I've seen, after a "Hey-This-Dial-Goes-To-11" sceening of "Face/Off" in a multiplex... The voice acting is uniformly good, although a few odd lines I thought were mistranslations were still around with the new, more accurate script.

As my "blow-by-blow" reviews are done with the luxury of a rewind button and a notepad, my actual thoughts on "Akira' will be done using the badmovies.org "What I Learned From This Film" system. (With apologies to Andrew B, although I'm sure he won't mind.)

What I Learned From "Akira" (In no particular order)

Tokyo gets destroyed on a regular basis. If it aint Godzilla, it's the damn scientists!

Bike gangs of 2019 are either have sponsers, or Our Hero just really like stickers.

Neo-Tokyo: Tall buildings, neon lights, street gangs. Not much has changed, then?

Except they're importing student rioters from Korea...

Painting your face like a clown doesn't make you look like a badd-ass biker.

There's always one fashion victim in every gang. Lose the tie, man...

Never trust a kid who looks like an extra from "Day Of The Dead"

Or the Zombie-fied Paul Williams, for that matter.

Neo-Tokyo cops train in South Central LA, apparently.

Fragmentation grenades make great comic relief props.

Except the ones with 3-minute fuuses, that is...

Neo-Tokyo physical education teachers are ALSO legally entitled to beat the crap out of people.

There are no innocent bystanders in Neo-Toyko

Diving into raw sewerage will not, repeat, NOT impress a girl.

Neither will firing a chain-gun in her genral direction.

Cuddly toys can be creepy if you're hallucinating.

Occasionally, a scene set in space is rightfully shown in total silence!

In the event of a catstrophic fireball engulfing your city, seek shelter in a tunnel. (See also "Independence Day")

If a kid who can destroy walls with the power of his mind tells you to step aside, DO IT!

Final Thought: Tell me those weren't Akiras' testicles floating in that jar?